Hurt shows on her face.
“I think we both need to take a little time to think it over. You don’t want to bring me into your son’s life only to decide that you don’t want to be with me after all, right?”
She nods.
“I know how I feel about you,” I say. “But I want you to think about how you feel about me with everything going on in your life. Make sure you want the life we’re heading towards. Then, we’ll talk about this again.” I kiss the top of her hand and then stand up, walking toward the door.
It would’ve been easy for me to tell her how much she means to me, to promise to always be there, and to raise her kid as if he was my own. But I don’t want to do that to her. I want her to decide if she wants me there. If she’ll trust me to keep them safe, to love them, to take care of them. This isn’t something to take lightly. This is about more than just me and her. This is about Bryce and her ex-husband. I can’t have her ready to run away every time he gets close. I need her to trust that if he’s her problem, he’s my problem too.
I head to the truck and start unloading the wood. Most of it goes over to the barn, but the rest goes to the backyard for the treehouse. As I start to measure and cut the wood, I think about my future. I think about how it will be without her, I think about going home every day to the same empty house. I think about having my meals alone, going to bed at the same time every night, and waking up to nothing but an empty house the next morning. Then I think about my future with her in it. I see big family meals every night. I see laughter and smiles as we all sit on the couch and watch TV before bed. I feel her against my chest as I hold her while we sleep. I can see myself getting woken up in the middle of the night because Bryce had a bad dream. I’ve never in my life felt more alone. Suddenly, it all becomes too clear. I do want that life. I want a family. I want love. I want children. I want purpose.
Sure, I could run to her right now and tell her all of this, but I want to give her the time she needs to figure out exactly what she wants for herself and her child. I won’t bring it up until she’s made up her mind and given it all the thought she needs.
Nineteen
Autumn
I know he’s right, but a little part of me feels let down. I was hoping he would profess his undying love for me, ask for my hand in marriage, and tell me how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and any children we have. Instead, he wants us to both think about it. I know his decision to wait and think things through is the right one, but right now, I don’t know if I can trust myself to make a right decision. I’m pregnant with his child. Knowing that will make me want to move forward with him without fully thinking things through. But then if I think about how Glenn is still out there, trying to track me down again, I only want to run so he doesn’t find us.
I shake my head, wanting it cleared of all thoughts. I take a sip of tea and take a deep breath. Standing, I move toward the stairs, wanting to take a long, hot shower. That’s when I always do my best thinking. I fill the tub full of hot, bubbly water and sink deeply into the old clawfoot bathtub. I lean my head against the back and close my eyes. Without trying to force anything, a vision of my future plays out before me. I can see myself in the kitchen, stomach round and swollen with a growing baby. Bryce is sitting at the table, eating his breakfast, and Clay is standing behind me as I wash dishes, his hands holding my stomach as he presses kisses to my neck. In this make-believe future, no worry of Glenn is present, Clay is a happy family man, and I’m glowing with happiness and love. I want Clay in my life. However, he may feel differently. He may want to keep his life simple. He may decide that I’m not worth uprooting his life for.
I place my hand over my belly button and look down. It’s still flat, my secret hidden away for now. But soon, this little baby will make itself known. I won’t use this child as a way to get Clay to do as I want. If he chooses us, it’s going to be out of love and freedom, not guilt and obligation.
After I climb out of the tub and get dressed, I head back downstairs. I hear the soft sounds of hammering off in the distance, and I peek out the back door. Clay is out working on the tree house for Bryce. A smile stretches across my face. He will be such a good daddy. I know it deep in my heart. I say a silent prayer that everything will work out in the end. I don’t know what I’ll do if I have to raise two children all on my own.
I busy myself with chores to keep my hands busy and my mind off my problems until it’s time to pick up Bryce. He’s happy to see me but sad to leave his friends behind. When we pull back up into the drive, Clay is walking around the house with a big smile on his face and his hands in his pockets.
Bryce hops out of the van and takes off toward him. I see Clay bend down and say something to him. Bryce yells and jumps up and down before sprinting off to the backyard. Clay gives me a wave and a smile before turning and following after him. Instead of chasing after them both, I head inside to start dinner.
An hour later, dinner is done, and I stick my head out of the back door and call them both inside. Bryce runs in first.
“Go wash your hands, Mister,” I tell him as Clay steps into the kitchen.
Bryce runs to the bathroom and Clay leans against the island.
“Guess I’m going to take off,” he says, but his voice is full of stress.
“Why don’t you stay for dinner? I made plenty.”
“Is that what you want?” he asks, and I feel like the question isn’t about dinner.
I offer a smile and nod.
“Okay.” He moves to the sink to wash his hands.
The three of us sit down at the table and begin eating. Bryce and Clay talk over dinner, about the treehouse and maybe one day having a sleepover out there. I listen to them talk so easily and wish that the two of us could talk that way right now, the way we used to. Now, there’s this secret between us, and even though he doesn’t know what it is, he still senses it’s there. Deep down, I know I should tell him as soon as possible. He has the right to know, but first, I need my other question answered. If he decides to let things go between us, I’ll have to accept it. But either way he decides, I’ll still tell him the truth. Only, if he decides to live without us, I won’t let him change his mind when I tell him about the baby. I won’t use this baby as a glue to hold us together.
Clay offers to clean up while I help Bryce with his bath and getting him into bed. When I come back down the stairs, I find the kitchen all cleaned up and Clay sitting at the table with a glass of tea. I take the seat next to him.
“I’ve been thinking about us all day,” I confess.
“I have too,” he admits.
“I have something to tell you, but first, I want to know if you’ve had any new thoughts about us.”
His blue eyes lock on mine and he picks up my hand, lightly squeezing it. “Autumn,” he breathes out my name. “I know I told you that I never wanted the family life, and at the time, I meant it. But I’ve changed. You changed me. Now, when I look at my future, I don’t know where I’ll be, but I know that you’ll be beside me. If you want to take things a step further, I want that too. But if you want to keep things casual, I’ll do that as well. I’ll do anything you want as long as I can keep you. I love you, and I don’t ever want to live a day without you next to me.”
I smile, tears stinging my eyes. “You love me?”
He smiles and nods. “It snuck up on me. I wasn’t meaning to. In fact, I was trying not to since that day at the diner. But I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with you.” He tugs my hand, and I move from my chair to his lap.
“You want this? Me, Bryce, being a husband, and a father and all the responsibilities that come with it?”
“I can’t say that I won’t ever mess up or make a mistake. This is all new to me. But I know that I won’t ever give up on trying to do what’s best for you and Bryce. You two, you’re my family now, and that’s all I’ll ever need.” He presses his mouth to mine, and I can’t help but to kis
s him back. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer, relieved by his words. I finally feel like I can breathe again. The ache in my stomach is fading away. There’s only one thing left to tell him.
I pull back slightly and look into his blue eyes that now seem to be burning. His jaw is cocked, and his lips are plump and glistening.
“Clay, there’s one other thing that I need to say. It may alter your decision and if it does, I want you to know that I’m okay with it.”
He doesn’t say anything, but I see him grow more curious. His eyes darken with intensity.
“I’m pregnant,” I confess.
His face changes to a blank stare as he takes in this information. “You’re…you’re pregnant?”
I nod.
“Is it—mine?”
I guess some women would be insulted by this question, but I’m not. I’m sure he’s wondering if this baby is his or if it could belong to Glenn.
I nod. “I went to the doctor this morning. I’m only five weeks pregnant. This baby, it’s yours, but please, don’t let that sway your decision. If you don’t want this life, I can do this on my own. I’ve done it before. Please understand, I wasn’t trying to trap you. I just…I lost track of the days with all the running and moving, and then working on the house. I didn’t realize that I missed my shot.” I’m so worried that the tears filling my eyes finally fall over.
“You’re pregnant? We’re going to have a baby?” he asks, a smile slowly spreading across his face.
I giggle and nod my head. “You’re going to be a daddy.”
Without warning, his mouth moves to mine and his tongue dances with my own. I pull him closer, filled with love and relief and passion. In this moment, I can’t help but to think about when I told Glenn I was pregnant. His response was nothing like this. Clay is happy. Over the moon, even. I bet yesterday he didn’t even know he wanted a kid. Now, he’s acting like he’s been waiting for one his whole life.
He picks me up against him and begins carrying me up the stairs toward the bedroom, never breaking our kiss. After he softly kicks the bedroom door closed behind us, we fall onto the bed. I let out a yelp from the sudden feeling of losing my footing, but his hands remain tightly on me. His hips press against mine as he kisses his way down my body: my jaw, neck, collarbone, and then lower.
“I should have told you that I loved you sooner,” he whispers as he peppers my skin with more kisses. “I should’ve known sooner.” His hands begin pushing up my dress. “You’re so perfect. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He tugs at my panties and they rip at the seams.
The sound of his clanking belt fills my ears, and goosebumps prickle my skin.
“I swear, Autumn, I will be a good husband and a good father,” he promises, sliding into me, filling me and making me suck in a loud breath. His hips still and he lets out a sexy moan. “I’ll protect you.” He pulls out and thrusts back in. His hands begin pulling at my thin, cotton dress. “I’ll love Bryce as if he’s my own.” The dress rips down the center, allowing my breasts to spill free. He sucks a nipple into his mouth and rocks his hips, making my release draw closer. “This baby will only ever know love.” He grinds against me again. My nails bite into his back and I hold on, waiting for my orgasm to wash over me. “I’m never going to let you go. Any of you.” With those words, my climax peaks and shatters, raining down on me hot and heavy. Every muscle in my body tightens and hardens. A wave of tingles washes over me, my toes curl, my lungs freeze. I can’t do anything but hang on, listen to his words, and enjoy the way he loves me, adores me, needs me.
When my cries have quieted, he rolls us so that I’m on top. He smirks as his eyes take me in. “Show me how much you need me.”
With my hands on his chest, I rise up slowly and let myself fall. I grind my hips against him, causing that familiar tingle to form in my lower abdomen again. I lean over and press my lips to his. His hands find my hips and as we kiss, he moves me up and down his length, pushing us both closer to the edge of the earth.
It doesn’t take long until we’re both coming undone.
He picks me up and lays me down at his side. His right hand moves up to cup my cheek, and his eyes find mine. “I love you, Autumn.”
I smile from hearing his words. “I love you too, Clay,” I reply. His mouth closes in on mine again, but this time, it’s a soft, slow kiss, the kind that lets you know that this isn’t about sex. It’s about love. It’s raw emotion, something neither of us can control.
When he pulls away, he just lays his head down on the pillow next to mine. We don’t talk as we just lay next to one another, touching, memorizing, loving. I drift in and out of sleep, but every time I wake up, he’s kissing my shoulder, rubbing my back, or brushing my hair with his fingers. With his every touch, I feel the love he has for me, for Bryce, for this baby that isn’t even born yet. I know he’ll be a great father to this baby. He’ll be the father that Bryce never had. He’ll be the husband I always deserved. Slowly but surely, I feel like everything that had once been broken in my life is finally being repaired. I was once lost and alone, but Clay found me and gave me everything I needed and more. I know now that everything will be okay. We just have to take it one day at a time.
Twenty
Clay
I don’t want to sleep. All I want to do is lay awake and watch her, touch her, feel her, kiss her. I can’t wait to meet this baby she’s carrying inside of her. I can’t believe that I’m going to be a father. I’ve never considered having children. The thought always frightened me beyond belief. But now, I’m not scared. Everything feels right. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m right where I need to be.
I lay awake and watch her sleep for as long as I possibly can. Eventually, my eyelids get too heavy and they drift closed. Warmth consumes me and heats me from the inside out. I thought the warmth I felt was her, but now I know that it’s the love I feel for her.
When I wake in the morning, the bed is empty. I sit up and rub the sleep from my eyes. I pull on my clothes, and I head down the stairs to find her standing at the stove in a pair of pajama shorts and tank top, barefoot. She’s flipping bacon, and the smell is heavenly as I reach over and steal a piece that’s already cooked. The bacon is hot, and I quickly swallow it down as she laughs.
“Serves you right,” she says, bumping her hip into mine.
“You could’ve warned me,” I say, leaning in for a kiss.
“Ew,” Bryce says, walking into the kitchen.
I quickly pull away, and Autumn looks like she’s just seen a ghost. Neither of us have told Bryce that we’re together yet. I guess now is as good a time as any. I look at Autumn questionably and she returns the look. I shrug and she nods her head.
“Bryce, your mom and I want to talk to you about something,” I say, turning to face him.
He opens the refrigerator and grabs the orange juice. “Is it about how you and my mom are together now?” he asks, seemingly unfazed by the news.
“Yeah,” I say, suddenly losing all train of thought.
He shrugs as he pours his juice. “I kind of figured.”
“Is there anything you want to talk about? Do you have any questions? I know this must be confusing for you,” Autumn says, taking out the last piece of bacon and turning off the burner.
He takes a long drink of juice. “Does this make you my daddy now?” he asks, brows pulled together.
“No,” I say, sitting at the island across from him. “Your dad will always be your dad, that’s something that can never change.”
“What if you and Mommy get married?”
I glance at Autumn and then back to him. “If that happens, then I will be your stepfather.”
“Okay. So you’re living here now?”
I laugh. “No. Your mom and I are just dating. We might decide to live together one day, we might even get married one day, but it will be in the future. Nothing is changing today.”
Autumn places a plate with a pancak
e and a piece of bacon in front of him and he starts to eat. “I actually have one more thing to tell you,” she says.
He takes a bite of bacon and looks up at her.
“I’m going to have a baby,” she says around a big smile.
His eyes double in size. “I’m going to have a baby brother?”
She laughs. “Or sister. It’s too soon to tell.”
He looks at me. “And you’re the baby’s dad?”
I nod.
“But you’re not my dad?”
Again, I nod.
“But the baby will be my brother or sister?”
I laugh, rub my temples and nod. “It’s kind of confusing, isn’t it?”
He nods and takes another bite of bacon.
“It’ll all be okay,” I assure him, “I’ll be just like a dad. We can go fish, have a sleepover in the tree house. I’ll teach you things like how to change the oil in a car and how to mow the grass.”
He frowns. “My dad never did any of those things.”
Sadness washes over me. “Well, I will. Sound good?”
He smiles wide and nods. I sit back and Autumn sits on my lap. She takes a bite of bacon and then holds it out for me to bite. Instead of only taking a bite, I take the whole thing, and we both laugh. Sitting here with them, laughing, and talking, it all feels right, perfect. They’re my family now, and I’ll die before I let anything happen to them.
I haven’t seen my brothers since that day they told me about this maybe half-brother that’s out there, but with the event of Autumn’s pregnancy, I head over to Drake’s to tell him the good news. When I pull into the drive, I find Drake, Celeste, Colton, and Brennan out in the side yard setting up hay bales.
I climb out of the truck and head over. “What’s going on here?”
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