by L.H. Cosway
“Did . . . did that really just happen?”
“Yep.”
He brought his hands to his cheeks. “Oh, my goodness.”
Trev stood from his place on the couch and strode over to us. “It’s your time to shine, grasshopper. Don’t let me down.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
Trev flashed a handsome smile. “You don’t have to say anything. Just impress the tits off Barry and thank me later.”
“You ever wonder what our babies would look like?” Trev asked casually, like it was the most normal question in the world.
I was instant-messaging with Marlene, the girl I met after my Paris gig. She worked as a social media specialist and was trying to convince me to create more of an online presence; set up a website, record my songs to sell on iTunes, stuff like that. I wasn’t entirely convinced, but I was open to her ideas. We’d been chatting a lot since she emailed me photos of my gig.
I pulled my attention away from my laptop to look at Trev. He lay stretched out on the couch, eating an apple and watching TV. Since he was still supposed to be resting, he hadn’t gone with the group to film. I offered to stay behind in case he needed anything, which I regretted now. His blue eyes glittered with mischief, like they often did when he asked uncomfortable questions. He relished making people squirm, or maybe he just relished making me squirm.
I sucked in a breath and answered calmly, “No, I can’t say it’s ever crossed my mind.”
He swallowed a bite of apple. “I do, sometimes.”
“That’s nice.” I returned my focus to my laptop.
“They’d be little beauties with blue eyes and a tan.”
I scoffed a laugh. “You’re insane.”
His mouth curved in a smirk as he pointed the remote at me. “You’ve thought about it. I can see it in your eyes.”
Now I laughed louder. “I have not, and I will not. Just consider my mind a blank canvas.”
“Oh, come on, admit it, Reya. You’d love to have my kids,” he prodded playfully.
“You’re being so bloody weird, quit it,” I said and lifted a pillow to throw at his head. He chuckled when it hit him in the face. I cleared my throat, typing a reply to Marlene as I continued under my breath, “Besides, they’re more likely to be pale with brown eyes.”
I chanced a glance at him and he was smiling so wide my heart gave a quick, hard thump.
“Either way, they’d be fucking adorable.”
I shook my head. “I just can’t with you sometimes.”
We fell into companionable silence after that, but something weighed heavy on my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about how things ended between us two years ago and how maybe I could’ve done things differently.
“Trev, can I ask a question?”
He glanced away from the TV to look at me. “Ask me anything.”
“It’s sort of a heavy subject.”
“I’m good with heavy.”
I rubbed my hands on my leggings, my throat tightening as I met his gaze. “I was just thinking about that last call we had when I broke things off, you know, before.”
His expression darkened and he sat up straight, his shoulders tense. “What about it?”
“Well,” I started, “you don’t know this, but I smashed my phone after we hung up and had to take to get fixed.”
A loaded silence fell. Trev didn’t breathe a word, and somehow, his normally bright eyes looked cloudy. He was remembering that time, which was probably why his voice held such an edge. “I don’t entirely get where you’re going with this, Reya.”
I cleared my throat, needing to get the words out. “It took a few days to be repaired, so when you called and left all those messages, I didn’t see them until long after.”
Another lengthy, deafening silence fell between us. Trev’s face showed a whole range of emotions, from regret to anger to frustration and then the tiniest hint of resignation. My chest tightened to see how the truth affected him. Eventually, he broke the silence.
“C’mere.”
His simple command surprised me. I expected him to be angry, but when I slid my computer off my lap and approached him, Trev held his arms out and I sank into his embrace. His face was in my hair and he inhaled deeply before he murmured, “Why did you feel the need to tell me that?”
“I’m not sure. I think I dreamt about it last night. It’s been weighing on my mind all day. I guess I just wanted you to know that I didn’t intentionally ignore your calls. By the time I saw them, you’d resigned yourself to the fact that we were over. I thought it would be easier on both of us not to drag things out.”
“If you’d said that two years ago, I would’ve fought you on it tooth and nail.”
“I know,” I whispered.
“But then I probably would’ve let you down again.”
“I know that, too.”
“So, although I hate the time we lost, I know it was a necessary evil. If I never lost you, I probably never would’ve sought treatment. Things might’ve ended worse than they did. I might’ve lost you forever.”
I shifted to look at him, and my expression must’ve shown my surprise because his voice held a hint of humour. “Not what you expected me to say?”
“I thought you’d hate me for not calling you when I finally got those messages. It’s literally been eating me up inside.”
He stroked my hair and levelled me with a sincere look. “Reya, I could never, ever hate you. Not in a million years. It pains me to think of how careless I was with you back then. If I hadn’t been so messed up I swear I would’ve treated you like a princess. You had every right to break things off.”
Emotion pricked at me hearing his tenderly spoken words and I snuggled closer. He continued stroking my hair, his hand dropping down to intermittently rub my back. My hands wandered across his shoulders and down to rest at the base of his spine. I thought I felt him shudder but I couldn’t be certain. We stayed like that for what seemed like forever and it was nice to just be held. Touched.
“Have you been writing any new songs lately?” Trev asked, his uninjured hand twisting through my wavy hair.
“One or two.”
“Can I hear something?”
My pulse quickened, because the only song I’d halfway finished writing since I came on this trip was about him. Still, there was something about the moment we shared that made me want to open up.
“I’ll need to set up my keyboard,” I said, shifting out of his hold.
He smiled, the sexy dimples in his cheeks deepening. “I’m not going anywhere.”
A few minutes later we were in Leanne’s and my bedroom. I sat by my keyboard while Trev arranged my pillows to his liking. Once he was comfortable, I played a little tune, but it wasn’t the song I intended. I was stalling, for obvious reasons.
“This song isn’t finished yet. It still needs a few more verses, but it’s, um, well, it’s actually about you.”
“What’s it called?” he asked, slightly hoarse.
I worried my lip and answered, “Hearts on Air.”
His expression showed the tiniest hint of surprise as he leaned back into the pillows, his posture relaxing. It really wasn’t fair how pretty he was. “Sing it for me.”
I shut my eyes, took a deep breath, and played the opening chords. I was so nervous I messed them up and had to start over again. I could imagine Trev’s encouraging, tender smile, which only made me more flustered. Finally, I pulled myself together and sang.
If the violin is a voice
Then the drums are a heart
And the piano is my body and soul
If the air is a street
Then the clouds are a path
And your feet so easily close the distance
You walk on air like it’s concrete
My heart’s on air like it’s incomplete
Then you leap and it’s like I have no breath
I made the mistake of opening my eyes just as I finished the first
chorus. Trev sat upright, his attention rapt, his gaze relentless and full of heat. My breath caught and my heart thrummed. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to fall into his arms and taste his skin, run my hands along every inch of him. I. Wanted. Him. The desire was so strong it was jarring. I stopped playing abruptly and stood, almost knocking over the keyboard stand in the process. My hands shook as I ran them through my hair.
“Trev, I . . . ” I saw hope in his expression, which only confused me further. My heart’s on air like it’s incomplete. Was it foolish to sing those words to him? Was I foolish to think something permanent could happen between us when we hadn’t survived the first time?
I thought that was what was holding me back. But with him in my room, our privacy assured, I didn’t trust myself to not fall into his arms and beg him to keep me there. That wasn’t fair to me or to him. We both deserved more than that.
“Reya,” Trev climbed off the bed and grabbed my wrist. “What’s wrong?”
“Do you mind if I go for a walk for a while?” I asked, not meeting his eyes, not really needing permission either. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Trev. I just . . . need to get out for a bit.”
Otherwise I won’t be able to keep my hands off you.
He blew out a breath, his expression understanding. “No, sure. Go ahead.”
Finally, I looked up. He must’ve seen something in my face because he dropped my hand. I didn’t wait for him to say anything else as I left. I hoped he would understand I wasn’t running, but was processing. Thinking. Daring to hope.
I walked for hours. The city was beautiful and I could’ve explored forever if it weren’t for my stupid feet getting blisters. My heart pounded like I’d just climbed a mountain, but it wasn’t from the walking, it was from the conflicting thoughts running wild inside my head.
I wanted to be with Trev.
I wanted him so bad my skin felt too tight for my body and my lungs constantly ached.
How had I so willingly let myself sink back to square one? I couldn’t even say I had blinders on, because I’d been through it all with Trev so many times before and I knew exactly what I was getting into. The fall with him was always so pleasurable, so exhilarating, that it was almost impossible to resist. You didn’t care about all the precious veins you were destroying as you stuck the needle in your arm, because the high was too good, the stakes too great. He was aware now, though. “If I hadn’t been so messed up I swear I would’ve treated you like a princess.” He understood he’d been careless, and from listening to his Skype call with his doctor the other day, he was determined to not fall into the same habits. He was maturing, growing.
While I sang for him, between one chord and the next, I saw with dawning horror all the same mistakes I was making. At the same time, I didn’t care. I wanted to believe in this new world we inhabited, where he orbited around me rather than the other way around. I held all the power now. With just one crook of my finger I could have him, I knew I could, and yet, I was terrified to take the leap.
I was terrified because maybe, possibly, conceivably I could be happy. And happiness was a stranger, but misery was a dear old friend.
Twenty-Three.
For the next few days, between playing gigs at night and working with Neil during the day, I didn’t get much alone time with Trev. It was a relief in a small way, because it allowed me time to think everything through. Pulling the brakes on the intensity was what both of us needed. We were establishing a newfound friendship and trust, but it was tentative. If we rushed things, we’d crash into the same old wall again—something we were both aware of.
Since Trev couldn’t do much with his injured wrist, he immersed himself in training our young South African friend instead. Every evening they went running together and it warmed my heart to see their budding friendship develop.
On the afternoon of our train to Madrid, I was feeling a little unstable. Not because of Trev, but because of the trip down memory lane I was about to embark on. I was going to visit a city fraught with childhood memories and I wasn’t sure I was ready.
“Sit next to me,” said Trev as I lugged my suitcase on board the train. His hand came to the small of my back as he led me down the first-class carriage.
“It’s an eleven-hour journey. Are you sure you want me next to you all that time? I snore pretty loudly when I fall asleep on public transport,” I joked and saw his expression warm.
“I don’t care if you drool on my shoulder, just sit with me. We’ve hardly talked in days.”
Before I could respond he ushered me to a window seat. Trev lifted my suitcase with one arm, which was pretty impressive, and deposited it in the overhead bin. Then he slid into the seat beside me and grinned.
“See, that wasn’t so hard.”
I arched a brow. “Did I have a choice?”
His grin widened. “Nope.”
Callum and Paul took the two seats opposite ours, while James, Leanne and Isaac sat just across the aisle. I stuck my headphones in and listened to music as the train left the station. A few minutes into the journey, Trev nudged me with his shoulder and held out his injured wrist.
“I’m making everyone write something on here. Want to go first?”
I smiled wide as I glanced at his cast and placed a hand to my heart. “Why, Trevor, I’d be honoured to break you in.”
His expression turned playful as he handed me a blue Sharpie. I uncapped it and took a moment to think about what to write, then a funny thought struck me. I held his hand at an angle so he couldn’t see, scribbled something down, then handed the Sharpie back to him. His eyes gleamed with pleasure when he saw what I wrote, his mouth curving in a slow smile as he read aloud.
“This happened to your right hand because God’s been watching you in the shower. Let it be a lesson.”
Everyone laughed while I shot Trev a challenging smirk. “It was a toss-up between that and ‘Too glam to give a damn’.”
He narrowed his gaze, his mouth twitching as he tried not to smile. “Of course, it was.” A pause as he looked at his cast again, then effected an offended expression. “God’s a pervert.”
“Oh yeah, total voyeur,” said Paul. “The religion part’s just a front.”
“This is the reason why I’m glad to be sharing a bathroom with only Reya for the rest of the trip,” Leanne put in. “I know exactly what you lot get up to in the shower.”
“I thought we agreed never to speak of that,” Paul added humorously.
Leanne chuckled. “Right, my bad.”
“The shower is the most hygienic place to do it though,” James reasoned with a demure smirk.
Leanne held out a hand. “Spare me the details.”
“You’re the one who brought it up.”
“Actually, I was,” I admitted. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s not like it’s only a guy thing,” said Cal, peering at Leanne in challenge. “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t ‘enjoy’ the massage feature on your shower head back home.”
Her shoulders straightened as she levelled him with a provocative look. “Why would I bother when I have plenty of vibrators to do the job?”
James barked a laugh. “She got you good with that one, Cal.”
Callum’s green eyes glinted as he looked to Leanne again. “You do realise you just confessed to everyone you’ve got a dildo collection, right?”
Leanne’s smile was cutting. “Only because I stole it from you. I never thought you’d be into the whole ‘bend-over-boyfriend’ thing. I guess people are full of surprises.”
Callum laughed loudly and threw his hands up. “Okay, you win. I have nothing.”
“Hold up a second, people steal dildo collections?” Paul asked with a theatrical shudder. “Now that’s unhygienic.”
“Give him a slap for me, will you, Reya?” Leanne asked. “I can’t reach from here.”
Paul chuckled. “You’re the one who said you stole Callum’s dildos. I’m only commenting on your own adm
ission.”
“Can we please change the subject from sex-toy theft?” James begged, glancing over his shoulder to make sure our neighbours weren’t listening.
“Why?” Paul asked. “Does it make you uncomfortable?”
“Uh, yes,” James answered immediately and I huffed a laugh. Watching this lot interact was hilarious. Isaac’s amused features said the same. When I glanced at Trev I found him staring at me, his expression fond.
“He doesn’t like talking about stealing,” Callum put in, joining forces with Paul. “Because it reminds him of the time he nicked a quid from his granny’s purse to buy a bag of apple bonbons. He still has some residual guilt.”
James rolled his eyes. “You’re hilarious, Cal.”
“And you’re a saint. We need to dirty you up. I bet you’ve never even made a prank phone call.”
“Hey, that’s a serious crime,” Trev put in jokingly.
“You’re one to talk,” said Callum. “We’d be able to fill an encyclopaedia with all the laws you’ve broken.”
Trev flipped him off.
“You’re just jealous because Trev’s the real deal, and you’re a fake-arse bad boy. The tattoos fool no one,” said James, arching a brow.
Callum shot him a narrow-eyed look and pulled a packet of chewing gum from his pocket.
“Just out of curiosity,” said Leanne, her attention on Trev, “exactly what laws have you broken? James and Cal know all about your past, but you lot keep Paul and me in the dark.”
“Aw, don’t have hurt feelings. I have to maintain my air of mystery somehow,” said Trev.
I studied him, surprised Leanne and Paul didn’t know. He’d never been the secretive type, far from it. Trev was more inclined to tell you every shameful thought in his head for the simple pleasure of seeing the shock on your face.
“Bullshit. Come on, tell us. We’re on TV together. If that doesn’t qualify us for entry into your circle of trust then I don’t know what does,” said Paul.