by L.H. Cosway
Trev’s eyes flickered back and forth between mine and he looked afraid. I turned around and started pressing buttons on the dryer. A second later two arms wrapped around me tight, knocking the air from my lungs. I froze as Trev hugged me like his life depended on it and my heart did a quick, hard thump in my chest. He buried his face in my hair and murmured, “I’m sorry. I’ll never do anything like that ever again. I love you.”
Almost as quick as he caught me in his hug, he let go, turned around, and left the room. I slumped back onto the dryer as it rumbled to life and blew out a long breath. Every year I mourned July. Mourned the loss of family and the hatred they felt for me. But being in Madrid, being amongst Spanish-speaking people, the language of my family, and then being cast aside again, my heart just wasn’t capable of healing so easily.
The pain burned, as if it was searing an irreparable hole in my heart. Perhaps when I agreed to take this job, I should have guessed that Madrid would be the hardest part of the trip. I never imagined the minefield it would turn out to be, nor the multitude of see-sawing emotions I’d experience along the way.
Twenty-Six.
When I returned to my room, Leanne sat on her bed talking on the phone. I went to check my own phone for any messages or missed calls, my fingers brushing a folded piece of paper in the process. It was the list of Escrima classes Karla put together for me. Unfolding the paper, I scanned down the list and saw there was a class in Madrid tonight.
With my mind made up, I threw on some yoga pants and a T-shirt and headed out. By the time the class finished I felt a million times better, and I scolded myself for not checking out that list sooner. Practicing always had a way of making me feel in control again.
The following morning the group were filming at El Retiro, a gorgeous public park in the middle of the city. It boasted a large, manmade pond where people could rent boats and go paddling. I was busy procuring two such boats, because Barry wanted to get some shots of the group in the pond to add to the episode. I watched from the sideline as Trev, Callum and Paul took one boat, while Leanne, James and Isaac took the other.
When they were done filming at the pond Barry called for a break, and I handed out soft drinks and sandwiches. When I sat down on a step to eat my own, a shadow fell over me. Glancing to the side, I saw Trev looking at me with a hesitant expression.
“Can I sit?”
I gave him a warm smile and waved a hand at the space beside me. Somehow, my feelings weren’t as raw as they were yesterday. Having the night to digest everything and mentally move forward had helped. I knew his heart had been in the right place, even if it did turn out to be a clusterfuck. And I still loved him. That hadn’t changed. “Go ahead.”
He sat and there was a moment of quiet before he spoke. “This place is pretty cool, huh?”
I swallowed a bite of my sandwich and nodded. “Yeah, I took a little look around the gardens earlier. They’re really beautiful.”
“You’re beautiful,” Trev blurted, like he couldn’t hold back the words. His expression was so full of adoration that my chest felt too tight.
I flushed and tucked some hair behind my ear. He watched the movement with rapt attention, his bright eyes translucent in the midday sun. “Thanks,” I replied, my voice a little breathy.
Trev glanced back over at the pond, where tourists rowed boats through the water. When he returned his attention to me his voice was tender. “You’ve got a gig tonight, don’t you?”
“Yes, you can come if you like,” I said, hopeful. Before I’d always been wary of him coming to see me play, but now I wanted it. I felt like after yesterday, we needed to reconnect. Maybe I could finish that song I started writing for him.
His expression was regretful. “I promised Isaac we’d go for a run, but I can cancel—”
“No, don’t do that. It was just a thought.”
Trev’s face brightened then, like he just remembered something, “I completely forgot to tell you, Karla and Lee are coming to see us when we hit up Barcelona. Alexis and King, too. Lee and King have been planning the surprise for a while.”
“Really?” I exclaimed at the news. It seriously cheered my spirits to know I was going to see my friends. I’d especially missed Karla. She was the person I always spoke my feelings to, so it made me happy to know I’d be seeing her sooner than I thought. “That’s great. I can’t wait.”
Trev’s eyes crinkled in an affectionate smile. “Yeah, I thought so. Apparently, King and Alexis have some friends performing at a circus there, so they’re killing two birds with one stone.”
I nodded. “Right, yeah. Alexis told me about that place. King’s older sister is like the ringmaster or something.”
Trev’s brows shot up at that. “No shit? Now I definitely need to tag along.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, he actually travelled with her for a couple years.”
“You learn something new every day,” said Trev, just as Barry’s assistant came to say the director needed him for the next shot. He surprised me when he pressed a soft, loving kiss to my lips then went to get back to work.
I ate a bite of my sandwich and noticed Callum standing nearby, casting me side glances as though waiting to be invited over. I smiled, wondering what he was after, and called out, “Want to join me, Cal?”
He pulled off his sunglasses and nodded, all casual. “Oh yeah, sure. Didn’t see you there.”
I shot him a funny look as he took the step just below mine. “This place is gorgeous.”
“It is. You should’ve come out on the boats with us. Paul was freaked by the water because he can’t swim.”
I was sure my expression showed surprise. “He can jump between buildings but he can’t swim? That’s crazy.”
Callum chuckled. “He kept thinking he was gonna fall into the pond.”
“And I bet you teased him relentlessly for it.”
“Hey, I’m not a complete arsehole,” he said, defending himself then winked. “I only teased a little.”
My expression sobered as I studied him. “That’s not how I think of you, you know.”
He arched a brow. “No?”
“Well, not anymore,” I allowed.
“What changed?”
I shrugged, not about to get into everything Trev had divulged. “I dunno. I guess after a while you start to see people clearer.”
Callum stared at me for a minute, then slid his sunglasses back on. He cleared his throat as he asked, “So, uh, does Leanne ever talk to you about me?”
I held back a smirk. Was he fishing for info? “Not really.”
His lips flattened in a frown. “Oh.”
“You sound disappointed.”
“Just thought you could give me some insight.”
“Into?”
“How she’s feeling about me these days,” he replied and I saw his attention wander across the park to where Leanne was being filmed with Trev and James.
“Ah, I see,” I said, shifting in place. “Well, she doesn’t really talk to me about personal stuff, so I’m not sure I can help you there.”
“I love her, you know,” he blurted, his shoulders sagging. I couldn’t read his eyes with the dark sunglasses covering them, but judging from the tight line of his jaw I guessed he hadn’t exactly meant to say that.
“No, I didn’t know,” I said softly, reaching out to touch his shoulder. He flinched ever so slightly, not expecting the contact. “Maybe if you told her…”
His scoff cut me off. “I have told her. She doesn’t believe me.”
I paused for a second, thinking that sounded about right. If I were Leanne, I probably wouldn’t believe him either. “Maybe it’s not about telling, but more about showing. If you want her to know you love her, you have to start acting differently. And you definitely have to stop flaunting random hook-ups in her face.”
“I haven’t done that since Brussels.”
I chuckled. “Brussels was only two weeks ago. You’ll have to stick it out longer than
that. Show her you’re trustworthy. Sometimes you can portray love with actions far more ways than with words.”
He looked like he was thinking about what I said. I ate the last few bites of my sandwich as we sat in silence. Callum was the one to break it when he said, “I feel awful about what happened in Paris. When I fell.”
His candidness took me off guard. I swallowed and tried to reassure him. “At least no serious harm was done.”
“Yeah well, I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry. It can’t have been easy for you seeing Trev fall.”
My throat constricted as I remembered the fear. “No, it’s wasn’t.”
“I wasn’t myself that day.”
“Like I said, no harm, no foul.”
“Cal! Come on, we need everyone for this next shot,” Trev called, looking surprised to see us both sitting together. I shot him a look that said I found it just as weird as he did. Callum wasn’t exactly the type to seek others out, and he’d never taken much of an interest in me in general.
He blew out a breath and stood, dusting off his trousers. “Well, good talk. I better get over there.”
“Sure. And think about what I said, yeah?” I replied, looking up at him with a kind expression.
He nodded and started making his way across the park. I sat in thought for a little while, wondering if things ever would work out with him and Leanne. There was certainly a lot of feelings there, on both ends, but they were that couple who seemed more inclined to self-destruct than reach an understanding.
A few minutes later my phone rang and I pulled it from my bag, thinking it was Karla calling with the good news about the upcoming trip. But when I looked at the screen I didn’t recognise the number. I answered it warily.
“Hello?”
“Reya?”
I sucked in a deep, shocked breath when I recognised the voice. “Paula?”
There was a long silence and I heard a door snick shut. Her voice was hushed when she replied, “Goodness, I’m so sorry about yesterday. You came all this way and how Mamá spoke to you . . .” She drifted off and every muscle in my body tightened. This was the first time we’d talked in years and it felt surreal.
“I didn’t come all this way just for you. I’ve been travelling and happened to be in Madrid . . .”
“Oh,” Paula breathed. “Well, again, I truly feel awful. There’s just no making her see sense sometimes.”
I scoffed at that. “Have you ever tried? I swear, Paula, you’re so scared of our parents they might as well be a pair of culebre.”
Her voice was remorseful. “You know what they’re like.”
“They’re weak,” I spat. “And you’re even weaker for letting them rule your life. When Mamá asked if you wanted to talk to me, I knew you wanted to say yes, but you just told her what she wanted to hear.”
It suddenly struck me that I was glad to be the outcast. If I could choose between my life and Paula’s, even with all the suffering I’d endured, I’d still choose my own every time. The thought was oddly liberating. I never wanted to be the kind of daughter it took to keep my parents happy. I’d rather be free and have no family, than have them and be shackled.
“That’s why I’m calling you now, to make up for it. Samuel feels awful about the whole thing, too,” Paula replied. Wow, was she finally growing a backbone? Then I remembered the sound of the door closing and mentally rolled my eyes.
“So you’re not hiding behind a closed door whispering in case anybody hears you?” I challenged.
I knew I was talking too loud when a couple crewmembers eating lunch a few yards away shot me curious looks. Paula didn’t say anything, but I could hear her anxious breathing on the other end of the line.
I decided there was no point arguing. After all, I’d wanted this for years. I wanted her to get in touch, even though I found her lack of courage, her inability to stand up for what was right, deeply abhorrent. “Look, I’m playing a gig at La Cortina tonight. If you really want to talk, come see me play.”
“I’m not sure if I—”
“Paula, either come or don’t, but this is the only chance you’re going to get.”
With that I hung up, my heart pounding wildly in my chest. I talked a good talk, but deep down I hoped like hell she came. I wanted to know my sister again, even if she was a coward when it came to our parents. Maybe I could teach her how to branch out on her own.
Across the way, I saw the group had started filming again. Isaac climbed to the top of a streetlamp then spun effortlessly to the ground. I smiled, thinking of how far he’d come in such little time. I’d eat my hat if Barry didn’t offer him a full-time part on the show next season. He was young, handsome, a skilled free runner, not to mention he had the most amazing accent. They’d be fools not to take him on. Plus, everyone in the group seemed to love him.
For the rest of the day I barely ate a thing. I couldn’t stop fretting about Paula and whether she was going to come to my gig. On stage at the small club where I was playing, I sat down at my keyboard and clumsily worked my way through each song, messing up so many times I was surprised the manager didn’t kick me out. I couldn’t take my eyes off the entrance all through my set, anxious to see Paula walk through.
But she never showed.
I’d resigned myself to the fact that she wasn’t coming when I introduced my final song of the night. I closed my eyes and played so softly, you’d swear I was trying to imitate a feather hitting the piano keys. Then something tugged at my senses. I felt someone’s attention and opened my eyes to see both Paula and my brother, Samuel, standing just inside the venue. They saw me sing and play piano on countless occasions growing up, but now they looked at me like it was the first time. In awe.
I sang louder. I closed my eyes and played better than ever. I sang like it was the last time I would. I wanted them to see that this was me. This was the sister they’d shunned, the one they’d left out in the cold, called a liar, made feel worthless. Guilty.
I opened my eyes, refusing to close them any longer. Trev was right. I closed my eyes in shame, feeling I was doing something wrong. Now? I refused to feel that way anymore. I refused to hide. I refused to let my family believe I didn’t exist.
Paula and Samuel took seats at a table just a few feet from the stage. When I finished my set, I thanked the audience and stepped down to join them. Both stood when I approached, but I gestured for them to sit back down as I took a seat on the other side of the table.
“You came,” I said, still having a hard time believing they were here, not just Paula, but Samuel, too.
“Yes, we wanted to come. Both of us,” said Paula, her hands fidgeting nervously in her lap.
“I’m so sorry about yesterday,” Samuel added. “It was a surprise for all of us when you showed up.”
I arched a brow. “I bet.”
“You sang wonderfully just now. I remember you writing your own songs growing up, but seeing you play for an audience was so different. You’re very talented,” Paula gushed, and I felt a flush of pleasure at the compliment.
“Thank you,” I replied quietly.
“Reya,” said Samuel, reaching out as though to take my hand. I stiffened and he pulled back. I was happy that they’d come, but that didn’t mean I was ready to hold hands. Clearing his throat, he continued, “We want to . . . no, we need to apologise for what you suffered at the hands of our parents. We’re ashamed that we stood by and stayed silent. We’d like a chance to make amends, but do understand if you won’t accept that. Us.”
I sat very still, hardly able to comprehend what I was hearing. For so many years I’d imagined this moment. It felt entirely too surreal that they were here, and I knew it was no small thing. Their presence meant they were taking a stand. It meant they’d finally listened to their consciences and chosen me over our parents’ iron fist. A surge of validation ran through me, even if it was eight years too late.
“What about Mamá and Papá?” I asked, needing to address the most
pertinent issue. “Do they know you’re here?”
Paula and Samuel shared a glance, then Paula answered, “After you ended our phone call today, I confronted them both. I told them I wanted to see you, and needless to say, we fought. Samuel stuck up for me and they eventually said that if we wanted to see you there was nothing they could do to stop us, but they’d never approve of it.”
That sounded like my parents all right. “And I bet they pissed their pants when you walked out the door tonight,” I said wryly.
Paula covered her mouth as she let out a surprised laugh. She was almost seven years older than me, but she still possessed certain childlike traits because my parents kept her so sheltered. Like, the fact that I just referred to them pissing their pants would be pretty scandalous to her.
Samuel’s lips twitched in a smile. “Something like that.”
I smiled at both of them. “Well, in that case, let’s start getting reacquainted, shall we? I want to see Mamá retire to her fainting couch before the week is through.”
We sat at that table for almost two hours talking. I learned that Samuel’s wife just gave birth to their third son and Paula was taking a secretarial course in the city. They offered to drive me back to the apartment, and we parted with a promise to stay in touch. Paula and I were even going to go for manicures when we got back to London.
Life was so bloody weird.
I strolled into the building on a high, smiling to myself all the while. I’d been so angry at Trev for tricking me into seeing my family, but it turned out he was right. If it weren’t for him being selfless and risking our tentative reunion, something he’d obviously yearned for, tonight never would’ve happened. I never would’ve made the first step to reconciling with my siblings.
I thought he was being careless, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. By taking that risk he might’ve lost me, but he did it anyway because he cared about me finding peace more than he did his own happiness.
Everybody was asleep when I got in and I quietly crawled into bed. Part of me was disappointed I couldn’t share my joy with Trev, but I didn’t want to wake him up.