Nina turned to face her sister. ‘Oh my God! Do I?’
Tiggy studied her face. ‘A little bit, yes.’
‘I really hate you,’ Nina whispered.
‘I really hate you too,’ Tiggy replied, and took a deep drag.
‘Go on then, give me one.’
‘What?’
‘A cigarette!’
‘For real?’ Tiggy laughed.
Placing the cigarette between her lips, Nina bent forward for Tiggy to light it. Taking a deep drag, Nina blew the smoke out between pursed lips, fighting the desire to cough.
Today was a big day for Nina: June the twenty-sixth. Connor’s sixteenth birthday. The first birthday they had celebrated without Finn. Nina woke to the sound of the alarm clock, and lay back on the pillow with her hand on her stomach, thinking about the day her first child had been born. She pictured Finn standing in the maternity ward, crying with his hands in his hair, ‘I’m a dad! I’m a dad! To a boy! I got a boy! A son! I can’t believe it!’ Nina had watched from her bed as the nurses patted his back, chuckled to each other and offered him tissues. She had the newborn Connor in her arms and, despite the deep ache to her bones, she wondered if she would ever be able to wipe the smile of joy from her face.
Oh, Finn. She sighed before she rose, then washed her face, and fastened her unruly hair with a headband. She heated a croissant, a special treat purchased in secret, and poured glasses of orange juice, trying not to think of the previous year when she had piled the breakfast table with lavishly wrapped gifts. Connor had peeled the paper with little enthusiasm. She and his dad had teased him about getting old, whilst sipping espresso from their fancy built-in machine and recalling how Finn had run around the ward fifteen years ago, crying like he had won the jackpot . . . This was the Finn she wanted to remember, the wonderful dad.
Connor came into the sitting room dressed for school.
‘Happy birthday, darling.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’
He opened his card from Tiggy and found a crisp ten-pound note. He beamed.
Nina had deliberated long and hard over his birthday gift. For the first time, she wasn’t able to buy an array of presents and simply hope that he liked one. And in fact, the thought that she did this in the past left her feeling a little sickened. The solution came to her one evening as she cleaned her bedroom, going through her things.
Nina now placed the small black box in Connor’s palm. He looked at her quizzically, before carefully, slowly, lifting the lid of the box. She watched him tuck in his lips and bite down as his eyes misted at the sight of his dad’s signet ring.
‘He would want you to have this, Connor, and he would want me to tell you happy birthday from your dad, and that he loves you and is so very proud of you. As am I. You have been through far more than I would ever have wished for you at this age, and you are coming through the other side as a wonderful man. A wonderful man.’
She watched the tremble of his mouth as tears escaped down his flushed cheeks. He walked forward and placed his arms around her and she held her son to her while he cried, feeling closer to him than any time in recent memory.
Connor stepped back and pulled his father’s ring from the box. Finn had told them all many a time of how he had bought the thick, crested band with some of his first profits. He explained how the rich boys he mixed with sported college rings that screamed of an education he could only dream of. This little chunk of gold represented success to him, and he wore it every day of his life, with pride. She had planned on pawning it last, letting it stay in her possession for as long as possible. And now with a job and an income, she felt able to give it to Connor. A reminder of all his dad had achieved.
Connor placed it on his little finger, before splaying his hand and admiring the gold that glinted in the light. It looked strange on his long fingers, shining in the dimness of their run-down flat, but the look on Connor’s face told her it gave him a connection to his dad that was more precious than the item itself.
‘It fits me,’ he said with measured pride, as if having the same-sized finger as the man he worshipped was a thing of note. ‘I shall look after it, Mum.’
‘I know you will.’
‘I won’t wear it to school, only for special occasions.’
‘I hope one day you wear it every day and get pleasure from it like your dad did.’
Connor nodded.
‘Sixteen, eh?’ She smiled. ‘Where did those years go?’
Declan walked in and handed his brother a card. ‘When I’m sixteen, I am going to fly a glider. Arek told me that you only have to be sixteen do to that.’ Declan peered through his glasses.
‘Well you’ve got that to look forward to,’ Nina said with a smile. She turned back to Connor. ‘You could invite some of your friends over this evening if you’d like.’
‘Actually, Mum, if it’s okay with you . . .’ He hesitated. ‘I made plans to go out with Anna. She’s . . . she’s in my class.’
Nina noted the bloom to his cheek when he spoke her name. Connor had been a little less antsy of late, as keen as ever to engage with his phone when he thought he could get away with it. She watched him of an evening from the end of the sofa, noting the smile of relief flood his face when there was a text waiting for him. He was like a different boy from the one she lived with at The Tynings; gone was the exasperation, the tension, that bookended her every encounter with him, and although she was uncertain if he would admit it or had even fully realised it, he was happy at Cottrell’s. What’s more, she very much liked the person he was becoming. This situation, which she would never have chosen, was shaping him in a positive way. Hardship eroded his sense of entitlement and in its place a nicer, humbler boy was emerging.
‘Oooh, Connor’s got a girlfriend!’ Declan called out and ran in a circle, trying to avoid his brother’s grip. ‘Connor and Anna sitting in a tree . . .’ Declan ran down the hall as Connor tumbled after him, laughing.
After a long day at work with the now familiar ache in her back and her calves from being on her feet all day, Nina was keen to get home and see her boy on his special day. As soon as she walked in the door she could hear Declan splashing about in the bath. It was always a relief that the boys had in fact come home from school safe and sound. She knocked on the bathroom door. ‘Hey, darling, I’m home!’
‘Hi, Mum!’ he called, before continuing to splash.
‘Try to keep the water in the bath, okay?’ She pictured water pooling on the dodgy floorboards and gave thanks that they were on the ground floor.
Connor was in the bedroom, rifling through his clothes.
‘Hey, birthday boy!’
‘Hi. I’m wearing my ring tonight.’ He lifted his hand to show her. She had to say, it suited him well.
‘Perfect.’
While Declan languished in his bath and Connor got dressed, she heated up some leftover pasta and tomato sauce and sat down to eat.
‘Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?’ she asked Connor as he wafted into the room in a cloud of sweet-smelling body spray.
‘I’m sure. We are going to Sprinkles to get a milkshake.’
‘You look lovely.’ She winked at him.
Nina reached into her handbag, unzipped her wallet, and pulled out three pound coins. ‘Here. For your milkshake.’ She didn’t want him breaking into his birthday ten-pound note. It choked her to recall the bundles of cash that used to lie dormant around the house, and others she would remove from Finn’s pockets when laundering his clothes. She would peel off notes and fling them in her son’s direction every time he stepped out of the front door.
‘Are you sure?’ He looked from the coins in her palm to her face.
‘Yes! I want you to have fun.’
‘Thank you, Mum.’ The real thanks was the way he looked at her.
When the buzzer rang, Declan ran out of the bathroom and raced down the hall half dressed. ‘I’ll get it!’
‘No you won’t!’ Connor practi
cally grabbed his little brother and tossed him into the sitting room. All that rugby training was clearly paying off. Nina rushed over to Declan and whispered, ‘We have to be on our best behaviour. This is important to Con, okay?’
‘’Kay.’ Declan sulked on the sofa with his chin on his chest.
Nina heard nervous laughter from the hallway and was surprised to find she, too, was nervous.
Connor stood by the door and held out his arm, encouraging Anna to walk in. Anna looked at Connor admiringly, and Nina knew that she was right to feel the flip of nerves; from the way the two of them looked at each other, this relationship seemed already more than an insignificant crush. ‘Mum, this is Anna.’
Nina stood up and smiled at the slight girl, whose thick, dark hair hung about her shoulders in a delicate wave. She was wearing a close-fitting navy dress that had an uneven hem and was of a shiny material that squeaked a little when she moved. Her heeled shoes were a little too big for her, borrowed, Nina suspected, for the occasion. She wore little make-up; the natural prettiness of her heart-shaped face was obvious. Nina remembered the clusters of girls that hung in packs in and around Kings Norton College, the glossy, blonde, tanned girls with designer togs, expensive watches, tiny sporty cars of their own and heads full of their next and last adventures abroad. Anna was different. She carried an air of poverty that Nina recognised and in truth loved her all the more for it. She pictured herself at sixteen, remembering how hard it was to look and smell nice without money; the way she watched other girls, wishing she too could wander into the high street shops and walk out with bags fit to bursting with the latest trends, convinced that if she could, then she would feel less self-conscious. Only a year later, and life with Finn had meant she could do just that, and yet still her lack of confidence persisted, despite trying so hard.
‘Hello, Anna,’ she offered warmly, giving a small wave, thinking a handshake might be too formal and a hug the exact opposite.
‘Hi.’ Anna smiled to reveal slightly crooked teeth.
‘I’m Declan,’ he called from the sofa, without standing or lifting his eyes from his phone.
‘I’ve heard all about you, Declan.’ At this, Declan looked up and broke into a wide grin, obviously pleased his big brother had spoken about him.
‘We’d better . . .’ Connor indicated with a nod towards the door.
‘Yep.’ Nina smiled, wishing for more of an exchange, but knowing the right thing to do was wish them a nice time and not embarrass her son.
‘Have a lovely evening! And don’t forget, be back by 10.30,’ she managed. Anna gave a wave as Connor placed his hand on her lower back, in a gesture that was so grown-up, so confident, Nina knew it would stay in her memory.
As the door closed, she sat next to Declan. ‘Well, Anna seems nice, doesn’t she?’
Declan shrugged before turning his attention back to his game.
Nina had often imagined Connor going to prom. She pictured him walking down the wide staircase of their house in a tuxedo, holding a delicate fresh corsage in a box for a lovely girl. She would have taken great joy in ferrying him and his date in Finn’s flash car to their grand dance . . . Now she didn’t even have a car to go and fetch groceries in, and barely the money to pay for them.
‘It’s a funny old world,’ she said.
‘Why is it?’ Declan looked up from his game.
She pulled him closer to her. ‘I was just thinking about our old life. What do you miss most, Declan, about living at The Tynings, about going to Kings Norton? Is there one thing you would like more than any other? Is it a car?’
‘You mean apart from Daddy?’
Her heart swelled at his sweet response. ‘Yes, my darling, apart from Daddy.’
Declan sighed and looked towards the window where the neon sign blinked through the blinds. ‘I miss my bed.’
‘Your bed?’ This was unexpected.
‘Yep.’ He nodded. ‘I loved my big bed. I used to be able to spread out and I liked to sleep with my feet hanging off the end, but I can’t do that here. The bunk beds are much smaller and they have that board at the bottom that stops me dangling my feet.’
‘Oh, Dec!’ she put her arm around him and cuddled him to her. ‘How can we fix this?’
‘Get bigger beds?’ he asked hopefully.
Connor arrived home at 10.30 on the dot, as if not to waste a second.
‘Did you have a nice evening?’ Nina asked from the sofa.
He smiled and nodded, as if he had a happy secret. She hoped so. ‘Well, it goes without saying that you can bring anyone here whenever you want to.’
‘Thanks.’ He nodded, no longer rebuffing the idea as stupid or embarrassing.
He opened his palm and let the three pound coins clatter onto the work surface. ‘We didn’t go for a milkshake after all. Just hung out, walked around.’
His sweet gesture, not pocketing the money for himself as he so easily could have done, made her want to howl with love for him.
‘I’m off to bed,’ he said with a yawn.
‘Happy birthday, my darling,’ she called after him.
FIFTEEN
Nina felt a little unsteady with hunger by the time lunch arrived. She relished the tuna sandwich and fruit salad that had been laid out for her.
‘Did Connor have a nice birthday?’ Gilly asked as she poured hot water into a mug.
‘I think he did. I’m relieved, really. I didn’t know what the first one without his dad was going to be like, but it was okay.’
‘Well, that can only be a good thing.’
‘Yup.’ Nina nodded.
‘Have you got your tickets for the rugby end-of-season dinner? I’ve assumed you will be at our table?’
‘I don’t know anything about it.’
Gilly looked a little shocked. ‘Girl, it’s the event of the year! After the last game, we have a swanky dinner in the school hall with dancing and awards for the players. It’s lovely. The boys all go for free and our ticket price covers the cost of the evening.’
‘Oh yes, count me in!’ She wondered immediately about the cost.
‘Does Tiggy want to come?’ Gilly asked. ‘It would be good to meet her. You speak so highly of her.’
‘I’ll ask her!’ Nina felt the spread of excitement along her limbs. She loved the idea of connecting the people in her life.
After lunch she had found Harry and Eliza sitting side by side in the atrium sweetly holding hands; he nodded in silence while she rattled out her interior monologue. ‘I’ve got him! Don’t you worry!’ Eliza yelled in her inimitable way.
As she walked home after work, Nina tried to remember what lurked in the freezer box for supper. She looked forward to an hour to herself, of blissful silence. Declan had asked to go over to Arek’s for tea and Connor had plans with friends. She put the key in the door and pushed it open.
‘Oh!’ Nina yelled.
‘Agh!’ Anna screamed, and Connor scooted so far away from the girl that Nina thought he might fall through the French windows.
‘I didn’t realise anyone was in. You guys scared me.’ She made her way over to the fridge and opened the freezer compartment, hoping to hide her shock.
‘How are you, Anna?’ She spoke into the freezer, giving the girl a chance for her blush to subside and her own pulse to settle.
‘Good, thank you. In fact I’m just going, I have a lot of homework to do,’ she said hurriedly.
‘Okay, love, you know you are more than welcome to stay for supper. We are having . . .’ Nina looked down at the packets in her hands. ‘We are having ice cubes and frozen peas, apparently!’ She held up the packet, and all three of them laughed. ‘I’m sorry, kids.’ She chuckled. ‘We need a bigger house.’
‘Or we could just tie a bell around your neck like a cat, then we’d hear you coming in,’ Connor said.
‘I shall make more noise in future.’ She smiled at them.
‘Actually, I think I will stay for supper, Mrs McCarrick. I can’t resi
st – ice cubes and frozen peas is one of my favourites.’
‘Call me Nina, and I am glad you are staying.’ She beamed at the girl with the lovely sense of humour. The three eventually enjoyed a meal of pasta with a rich tomato sauce, mopped up with fresh bread. Nina loved watching the two interact; it felt like a privilege to have a part in this budding relationship.
Later on, Connor walked Anna home and returned just as Nina was finishing off the dishes. ‘Expert timing!’ she noted as she reached up to put the last of the plates in the cupboard.
‘Where’s Dec?’
‘In the bath.’
‘So, what do you think of Anna?’ he asked with a wide smile.
She loved that he cared about her opinion.
‘I think she seems lovely.’ She paused with the dishcloth in her hand. ‘But you know, Con, I have no choice but to leave you alone sometimes. But you guys are very young and it’s important that you don’t ever take advantage of those circumstances, or of her.’ She hoped her look was stern enough.
‘I know that, Mum, and you don’t have to worry. We won’t do anything stupid.’
‘I’m happy to hear that. You like her, don’t you?’
‘What’s not to like?’ He avoided her gaze.
‘I mean, you really like her.’
‘I do.’ He looked up at her now, meeting her eyes.
‘And she feels the same way?’
Connor nodded. ‘Yes, she loves me too.’
And there it was. Her boy was in love.
‘You are just starting out, and half of me wants to tell you not to get too involved, to go out there and live! Because you never know what’s around the corner. And the other half of me wants to tell you to enjoy your loving commitment, because you never know what’s around the corner. So I guess that’s not very useful.’ She put the dishcloth in the sink and put her hands on her waist. ‘I always thought Dad would be by my side to have this chat, to give good advice, but I know that he would say to you: go slow, and remember she is someone’s precious daughter.’ She hoped this was enough.
‘I know that, Mum!’ He rolled his eyes in a gesture that had been missing of late. ‘Anna is so smart. She won’t let anything get in the way of her plan. She’s a maths wizard. That’s what she wants to do at uni.’
The Art of Hiding Page 26