by George Ade
CHAPTER VI
WHAT ONE MAN PICKED UP IN LONDON AND SENT BACK TO HIS BROTHER
A man is always justly proud of the information which has just come tohand. He enjoys a new piece of knowledge just as a child enjoys a newChristmas toy. It seems impossible for him to keep his hands off ofit. He wants to carry it around and show it to his friends, just as achild wants to race through the neighbourhood and display his new toy.
Within a week the toy may be thrown aside, having become too familiarand commonplace, and by the same rule of human weakness the man willtoss his proud bit of information into the archives of memory and neverhaul it out again except in response to a special demand.
These turgid thoughts are suggested by the behaviour of an Americanstopping at our hotel. He is here for the first time, and he has foundundiluted joy in getting the British names of everything he saw. Afterforty-eight hours in London he was gifted with a new vocabulary, and hecould not withstand the temptation to let his brother at home know allabout it. The letter which he wrote was more British than anyEnglishman could have made it.
In order to add the sting of insult to his vainglorious display ofBritish terms he inserted parenthetical explanations at differentplaces in his letter. It was just as if he had said, "Of course, I'llhave to tell you what these things mean, because you never have beenout of America, and you could not be expected to have the broad andcomprehensive knowledge of a traveller."
This is the letter which he read to us last evening:
"DEAR BROTHER: I send you this letter by the first post (mail) back toAmerica to let you know that I arrived safely. In company with severalpleasant chaps with whom I had struck up an acquaintance during ourride across the pond (ocean) I reached the landing stage (dock) atSouthampton at 6 o'clock Saturday. It required but a short time forthe examination of my box (trunk) and my two bags (valises), and then Ibooked (bought a ticket) for London. My luggage (baggage) was put intothe van (baggage car) and registered (checked) for London. I paid theporter a bob (a shilling, equal to 24 cents in your money), and thenshowed my ticket to the guard (conductor), who showed me into acomfortable first-class carriage (one of the small compartments in thepassenger coach), where I settled back to read a London paper, forwhich I had paid tuppence (4 cents in your money). Directly(immediately after) we started I looked out of the window, and wasdeeply interested in this first view of the shops (small retailestablishments) and the frequent public houses (saloons). Also wepassed through the railway yards, where I saw many drivers (engineers)and stokers (firemen) sitting in the locomotives, which did not seem tobe as large as those to which you are accustomed in America.
"Our ride to London was uneventful. When we arrived at London I gavemy hand luggage into the keeping of a porter and claimed the box whichhad been in the van. This was safely loaded on top of a four-wheeledhackney carriage (four-wheeled cab), and I was driven to my hotel,which happened to be in (on) the same street, and not far from the top(the end) of the thoroughfare. Arrived at the hotel, I paid the cabby(the driver) a half-crown (about 60 cents in your money), and went into engage an apartment. I paid seven shillings (about $1.75) a day,this to include service (lights and attendance), which was put in atabout 18 pence a day. The lift (elevator) on which I rode to myapartment was very slow. I found that I had a comfortable room, with agrate, in which I could have a fire of coals (coal). As I was somewhatseedy (untidy) from travel, I went to the hair-dresser's (the barber),and was shaved. As it was somewhat late I did not go to any theatre,but walked down the Strand and had a bite in a cook-shop (restaurant).The street was crowded. Every few steps you would meet a Tommy Atkins(soldier) with his 'doner' (best girl). I stopped and inquired of abobby (policeman) the distance to St. Paul's (the cathedral), anddecided not to visit it until the next morning.
"Yesterday I put in a busy day visiting the abbey (Westminster) andriding around on the 'buses (omnibuses) and tram cars (street cars).In the afternoon I went up to Marble Arch (the entrance to Hyde Park),and saw many fashionables; also I looked at the Row (Rotten Row, adrive and equestrian path in Hyde Park). There were a great many womenin smart gowns (stylish dresses), and nearly all the men wore frockcoats (Prince Alberts), and top hats (silk hats). There are manystriking residential mansions (apartment houses) facing the park, andthe district is one of the most exclusive up west (in the west end ofLondon). Sunday evening is very dull, and I looked around thesmoking-room of the hotel. Nearly every man in the room had a 'B andS' (brandy and soda) in front of him, although some of them preferred'polly' (apollinaris) to the soda. A few of them drank fizz(champagne); but, so far as I have observed, most of the Englishmendrink spirits (whiskey), although they very seldom take it neat(straight), as you do at home. I went to bed early and had a goodsleep. This morning when I awoke I found that my boots (shoes), whichI had placed outside the door the night before, had been neatlyvarnished (polished). The tub (bath) which I had bespoken (ordered)the night before was ready, and I had a jolly good splash."
We paused in our admiring study of the letter and remarked to theauthor that "jolly good splash" was very good for one who had beenashore only two days.
"Rahther," he said.
"I beg pardon?"
"Rahther, I say. But you understand, of course, that I'm giving him abit of spoof."
"A bit of what?"
"Spoof--spoof. Is it possible that you have been here since Saturdaywithout learning what 'spoof' means? It means to chaff, to joke. Inthe States the slang equivalent would be 'to string' someone."
"How did you learn it?"
"A cabby told me about it. I started to have some fun with him, and hetold me to 'give over on the spoof.' But go ahead with the letter. Ithink there are several things there that you'll like."
So we resumed.
"For breakfast I had a bowl of porridge (oatmeal) and a couple of eggs,with a few crumpets (rolls). Nearly all day I have been looking in theshop windows marvelling at the cheap prices. Over here you can get agood lounge suit (sack suit) for about three guineas (a guinea istwenty-one shillings); and I saw a beautiful poncho (light ulster) forfour sovereigns (a sovereign is a pound, or twenty shillings). A fancywaistcoat (vest) costs only twelve to twenty shillings ($3 to $5), andyou can get a very good morning coat (cutaway) and waistcoat for threeand ten (three pounds and ten shillings). I am going to order severalsuits before I take passage (sail) for home. Thus far I have boughtnothing except a pot hat (a derby), for which I paid a half-guinea (tenshillings and sixpence). This noon I ate a snack (light luncheon) inthe establishment of a licensed victualer (caterer), who is also aspirit merchant (liquor dealer). I saw a great many business men andclarks (clerks) eating their meat pies (a meat pie is a sort of afrigid dumpling with a shred of meat concealed somewhere within, thetrick being to find the meat), and drinking bitter (ale) or else stout(porter). Some of them would eat only a few biscuit (crackers) fortheir lunch. Others would order as much as a cut of beef, or, as wesay over here, a 'lunch from the joint.' This afternoon I havewandered about the busy thoroughfares. All the street vehicles travelrapidly in London, and you are chivied (hurried) at every corner."
"You have learned altogether too much," said Mr. Peasley. Where didyou pick up that word 'chivy'?"
"I got that before I had been ashore a half hour. Didn't I hear one ofthose railroad men down at Southampton tell another one to 'chivy' thecrowd out of the custom house and get it on the train? I suppose that'chivy' means to rush or to hurry. Anyway, he won't know thedifference, and it sounds about as English as anything I have heardover here."
The letter continued:
"One of the common sights in London is the coster's (costermonger's)little cart, drawn by a diminutive moke (donkey); but you do not seemany of them west of the City (the original London confined within theboundaries of the ancient wall, but now comprising only a small part ofthe geographical area of the metropolis). I saw so many novel thingsthat I would like to tell about the
m, but I will reserve my furtherexperiences for another letter."
"I don't want to write again until I have got a new stock of words,"the author explained.
He read as follows in conclusion:
"This evening I am going to the theatre, having made a reservation(that is, having purchased) two orchestra stalls (parquet chairs) atthe Lyceum. You may gather from this letter that I am having a ripping(very good) time, and in no hurry to terminate my stay in town (inLondon). I am your awfully devoted brother,
"ALEXANDER."
IN PARIS