by L. J. Woods
I’m pulled back to that night. The loft as dark as this church is right now. This place is bigger but my heart feels the same. Like it’s booming out of my chest. “Gabe?” I whisper against the wood, afraid of what’s sitting behind that door.
Nix comes through the front. “Liles? You find him?”
Pushing the door open, my heart falls to my stomach, my knees wobbly. “Gabe?” My voice shows off the fear inside. Quiet and shaky. “No …” I’ve found him alright. Sprawled on the floor, face to the ceiling and now I’m frozen in horror.
He looks pale, a knee underneath him, his arms splayed to the side. There’s no movement, his mouth open. My body shakes as I brace the door, staring at a motionless god.
Just like Elijah.
Just like Sammy.
Gone. And there was nothing I could do about it.
Something hard comes to my chest, breaking my shock.
The NoCan.
With it in my hand, I rush down the aisle to Gabe, his body lying in front of the altar. It’s hard not to imagine Elijah on the floor of his loft but I need to push through this.
Dropping to my knees, I’m muttering to myself, pushing the nozzle up his nose. A tear drops on his face while I’m holding my breath for what seems like forever. The longest few seconds of my life.
Sitting in this big church in absolute silence, my heart thuds against my chest. A glance at the cross has me cursing at the Jesus they promise will save me when he didn’t save Elijah. Or Sammy. And I’m not sure if he’ll save Gabe either.
Staring at his lifeless eyes, my chest aches, my stomach crunching. He’s still not responsive. I’m trying to steady my breaths as I count, ready to give him another dose, but it’s shaky as fuck. Nix is quiet while I’m pleading to anything that will hear me, eyes squeezed shut. “Please.”
Three …
Two …
“Ugh. ”A groan makes me lift my brows. “What the fuck, Delilah?” Gabe’s eyes open and a heaviness lifts off my chest, a dam bursting tears down my face.
I let out the breath I couldn’t before. “Gabe.”
Nix falls to his ass from the crouch he was in, wiping invisible sweat off his brow. “Jesus. Fucking …”
“Christ,” I finish, staring at the life coming back to Gabe’s eyes. Pulling the sweater off my head, I put it over his chest, my sports bra underneath.
“What’re you guys doing?” Gabe asks, his voice a rolling croak. The colour starts to come back to his face as my hand lands on his soft, smooth cheek. His brows furrow, blinking before those dark eyes widen. “Wait. Nix?!”
Then he takes a swing.
Thirty-Four
Gabriel
The last thing I remember is sweet fucking bliss.
Complete happiness.
Complete silence.
Peace.
And now this fucker hovers over me, a hand on Dee.
My high gone, a heat bursts through me, one that makes my fist go for his face.
“Woah!” Nix catches my fist making me realize I’m not as strong as I usually am. He keeps my arm against my chest, my side on the church floor. “Slow down there, my dude. We’re not here to hurt you.”
A sniffling comes from Delilah and when I look at her, she’s wet with tears, something in her hand that … Ooh fuuuck.
“You’re gonna be the death of me, Godfrey,” she whispers, my body filled with a chilly heat. Her hands shake when they come to my head. “Don’t fucking leave me.”
I don’t say anything else. Can’t even find the words. Her words sound angry but she doesn’t look it. She sounds sad. Heartbroken.
And now I know what I did.
With one hand outstretched, I take hers. Having Delilah by my side makes that feeling I had moments ago come flooding back. Warm. Home. “Okay,” I promise.
I’m waiting for the anger and judgment to come but it doesn’t. Delilah just stays by my side, her head on my shoulder while Nix goes out to get water and food. I say we should go but she’s worried and wants me to stay here in case I pass out.
While I’m not keen on my folks coming in here and seeing a scene straight out of a PSA, it’s hard not to smile at her. Bringing her head to my chest, she finally asks the question I know is on her mind, her voice a whisper. “The fuck did you do?”
I take a second before I admit it, “Heroin.” My hand comes to her back, keeping her there, her heart beating with mine.
“Okay.” Her brows knit. “Why?”
This scene isn’t pretty but it’s not what you think. I didn’t shoot up in the aisle of my father’s church with some Nirvana in the background. After looking it up online, you can snort the thing. Nothing different than anything I’m used to. But the high? Fucking magical.
Fucking lethal too.
“I wanted everything to be quiet.” Giving her hand a squeeze, my voice croaks. “I wanted peace, but now I have that again.” Her eyes search mine like she’s looking for confirmation before Nix comes back with some water.
Delilah keeps me half-awake until the sunlight starts to stream through stained glass windows. Nix offers to drive us back to the city, but Delilah instructs him to take us to her grandma’s. “It’s close,” she says. “And I can keep an eye on Cobain over here.”
“You’re staying?” I ask.
She nods. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Despite all I’ve done, despite everything, Delilah still wants to stay by my side. In my shittiest state. At my darkest moment.
I almost gave that all up.
At her grandma’s, Nix helps her put me in Elijah’s bed. She doesn’t seem as afraid as she did the first time she came in here. No, she seems in charge. She says goodbye to Nix and I watch them at the door of Elijah’s room through squinted eyes, still on my side as per Dee’s safety measures. She’s like a nurse but Nurse Kelly has nothing on her. I’m way too toasty for their goodbye hug to give me that punch to my chest. It’s pretty fucking platonic. Not like the kiss I saw at the festival.
After shutting the door, she climbs under the sheets in nothing but one of Elijah’s old tees. I don’t take my eyes off hers when she runs her hand through my hair. Her touch feels magical. Soothing. And her smell … that’s the only medication I need.
“Did you want to end up like him?” she asks, her voice quiet. There’s no judgment in her tone, but there’s a choke in her voice. “Like Elijah?”
“No.”
“Did you do this because of me?”
“No.” Not exactly. Squeezing her hand I reassure her, but she pulls away, slapping me on my shoulder.
“Then what the fuck were you thinking? Heroin? Who do you think you are? Fucking … Rick James?”
That gets a small chuckle. One that hurts. She’s back. “That’s cocaine.”
When I bring my gaze to hers, there’s a blur in her eye. “I thought I lost you too.”
I never want to see that look on Delilah’s face again and if I can stop it from happening, I will. She’s here for me, and I’m going to be there for her. Inching closer, I press my lips to hers, a chill spreading through me. It only makes me feel like an idiot for chasing that high last night. When it’s always been right here.
“Fucking idiot,” she whispers like she’s reading my mind. Sinking my teeth into her soft lip, I get her to sigh before she’s wrapping her arms around me, pulling me in for more.
My cock is hard when she straddles me, lifting my hips so I can feel the warmth of her pussy teasing my shaft.
“Is this okay?” she asks.
I’m a little sore but this soothes everything inside me. “Fucking perfect.”
Pressing her hand to my chest, she brings her finger to her lip, the way I always do when she needs to be quiet. “I’m gonna take care of you, Godfrey.”
“Don’t you mean God—damn…” When she lifts her shirt over her head, it distracts me from what I’m saying, distracts me from the heaviness in my chest.
She leans over, her hair graz
ing my skin, her kisses sending flutters to my abs. She pulls down my boxers, staring into my eyes. It makes my heart pump like the blood in my cock. Hard.
“So, is it true?” She flicks at the band of my boxers. “You were there when he died?”
Leaning up on my arms, I wince, looking down at her. “You’re asking that an inch away from my cock?”
She nods before she licks the tip, my abs tightening. “I wanna know. And your cock is comforting.”
“It is, huh?”
My cock springs out when she peels my boxers down my legs, bringing her tongue right to the tip. “Were you?”
With a breath I let my back drop to the mattress, expecting all this to end. “Yeah.” I wait for her hand to fly, or her foot to go to my nuts, but nothing happens.
When I look down, her eyes bore into mine. “If I ride you like my board will you tell me more?” She wraps her lips around my cock and fire pumps through my body. I’d tell her more anyway. I want her to know. But who am I to turn down that offer? I call her bluff. “You’re gon—fuck.” She straddles me, guiding herself on my cock and this is what heroin feels like. “Dee,” I grunt, everything inside me coming alive again.
Death by heroin is stupid. But this? This is how I wanna die.
Her hand comes to my face, her ass slapping against the skin of my thighs. “Tell me.”
She’s insane. “Dee, I can’t—”
SLAP!
Delilah moves her hips quicker, her head falling back. “Tell me”
My cock pulses inside her and fuck, why is this hot?
I try to find my words. “When you were—fuuuck.” Her pace slows, giving me a chance to collect myself but it’s hard with her naked body bouncing on my cock. “When you were in New York, I didn’t have anything. So that night, I asked him if he knew where to get some stuff.”
I can’t get the story straight looking at her like this. So with the energy I do have, an arm around her back, I flip her around until I’m on top of her, taking back control even though she kinda has me by the balls. Biting her neck, I tell her more, my hips thrusting up into her and if this isn’t any sign of how fucked up we are, I don’t know what is.
“He said he’d ask around and a couple of hours later…” She moans, my teeth in her skin, my cock deep in her soaking hole, helping to fight the pain. “He found a guy. Got some blow.” The night appears in my mind, clear as day. It’s always been. The memory never fades. With Delilah underneath me, her body responding to every thrust, it somehow makes it easier. “Did a couple of lines. Went out to grab a bottle. Came back and he was … ” My thrusts slow, Delilah putting her heel on my ass, staring into me like she wants more. More of everything. Pushing her messy hair out of her eye, I take a breath, finishing the story. “He was laying there. Shaking and foaming.”
She doesn’t push me to continue, my cock still throbbing inside her with a world of emotions inside me. “I froze.” My head falls to her chest. “I didn’t know what to do. Then like a fucking idiot, I called my folks. They told me to get out of there and they’d handle it. Call an ambulance, clean it all up.” Fire flows through me. This time it’s different. Rage. Anger. And my pace picks up again, plowing into her center like I’m trying to fuck it all away.
She grips the sheets, her leg tightening around me. “Gabe!”
“This is what you wanted.” I don’t let up. No, I give her more, her body shaking underneath me, back arching against the mattress and I know she’s there. “You wanted it this way.”
Her pussy tightens around my cock, squeezing my release but I get it all out. “Gabe,” her words fall between her pants. “We can—”
My hand over her mouth, it’s too late to stop. “They sent me straight to rehab. Dangled my career in front of me.” Fucking assholes. “Didn’t talk to anyone for months.” Drilling into her like a well-oiled rig, my balls smack against her. It joins the sound of the bed slapping against the floor and I’m glad Grandma doesn’t have good hearing.
Her nails dig into my skin until I’m ramming into her, giving her my all until everything around me goes dark. And it’s just Delilah and me. My release comes over me like an erupting volcano. Hard. Loud. My teeth in her neck quiet my grunts and it’s only when I’ve stopped pumping my load that I realize I’ve left a hell of a mark.
Silence fills the room, my heart, our breaths the only thing I can hear.
“You could’ve told me,” she says after a moment. At least with my weight on her she can’t go anywhere. “When you came back. You could’ve told me.”
Kissing the mark on her neck, she still makes no effort to leave. “Didn’t give me a chance before I thought you were a threat.” Pulling out, I roll to the side, bringing her on hers so we can settle this face-to-face.
“I thought you forgot about me.” Her eyes roam my face, her skin glowing and flushed. “So I was fucking pissed.”
“And now?”
“Grieving. Finally.”
Laying there next to her feels better than the warmth that flooded my body on that first snort. I would’ve missed this moment if she didn’t show up. I’d never feel her body on me again if I’d died that night.
Living with that is hard but with her, I can.
Her eyes close, her body going limp and the long breath that comes from her mouth tells me she’s dozing off. I let her, watching as she finally gets some rest.
Delilah saved me. And if I was a better person, I could’ve saved Elijah too. But I didn’t. Like my parents requested, I ran and now I don’t have a best friend, and Delilah doesn’t have a brother. Or a family. Her mother might as well be dead with how she treats her.
If there’s anything I owe Delilah, it’s that.
A family.
But I can’t work on us if I don’t work on myself.
I’m a fucking idiot.
For not having Delilah’s back.
For snorting fucking heroin.
The craving to have that coursing through my bloodstream again is no joke, but Delilah makes it all the easier. She’s by my side the entire time. Every day. Even when I want to lay in bed with her, she lets me, and she doesn’t leave.
Grandma Daniels still goes to every church meeting while she keeps me hidden in her house like a refugee. In a way, I am seeking refuge. Hiding out from my own demons and monsters. The church. My parents. Drugs. I’m learning to cope with my shit. Opening up to Delilah is scary, but not scarier than leaving this earth. Or leaving her behind in it. Delilah’s at my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting, willing to hold my hand the entire way. We go to one outside of town. My parents don’t know what happened. Won’t know this time. I’m healing bit by bit. Better than I ever would with them or on my own. And I have Delilah to thank for that.
“Do you think Elijah will care that we … you know …” Delilah turns her head to me. We’re laying in Elijah’s bed, her leg over mine. “Hooked up? In his bed?” Laying here like this fills me with something that feels like I’m ten again. Filled with a thrive for life. Who knew being sober was its own drug?
“That was more than hooking up, Daniels.” Pulling her close, I rest my chin on her head. “But he’ll like to know someone’s taking care of you.” Her amber eyes hit mine, and all she has to do is smile to make my abs twitch.
“Delilah!” Grandma Daniels calls from downstairs. “Gabriel!”
She sits up. “Dinner already?”
Being at Grandma Daniels’ house is better than rehab. I get fed, Delilah tucks me in and whenever I wake up craving that hit, she’s right there to calm me down. “Go on,” I say as she gets up, zipping up my hoodie. It’s the only thing she’s wearing. Rising, I smack her ass along the way, watching the movement of the jiggles. “I’ll be down in a minute.”
“Gabe!” Grandma Daniels calls again. “Delilah!”
“Coming!” she calls as I fall back against the mattress. She’s only gone for a second before her voice comes from the bottom of the stairs again. “Penny …”
Fuck. My eyes shoot open.
“Where’s Gabriel?” That familiar voice sends a shiver right through me.
Mom.
Thirty-Five
Gabriel
“Hammer!”
Mom’s voice bellows through the home.
While I want to jump through this window, I’m not letting Delilah handle these assholes on her own. I’m already off the team. Homeless. Ignored by my friends.
I died.
So what the fuck else do I have to lose? Delilah? Not happening.
Pulling my hood over my head, a long lock of uncut hair falls in front of my face. I’m tired of keeping up appearances. Delilah’s trying to send her away, telling her that she needs to go and I commend her courage. But this one’s all on me.
“I don’t need to listen to you, Delilah,” Mom says. “You’re a seductress. An evil possessed snake who needs many good prayers and a baptism. You’re ruining his life.”
“That’s enough,” I say, landing my last step on the staircase with a loud, thunderous, stomp.
“There you are!” Mom snaps her fingers at me like I’m a dog. “Come on. We’re going. You need a haircut.”
“Apologize to Delilah.” My fists hide in the pockets of my joggers.
Her thin brows furrow before she turns to Delilah. “I’m sorry that you need Jesus.” Delilah’s head straightens, as if she can’t believe what she’s hearing, but I can. Getting a sincere word out from my mom is like taking a piss on opioids. Damn near impossible. “Come on, Gabriel. Now.”
Knowing that Dee won’t leave my side gives me the confidence to put her in her place. “You can’t apologize to my girlfriend but you expect me to listen to you?” I cock a brow to show her I’m not joking and she throws her same tired line.
“Are you using again?” she asks.
“Not at all,” I reply. “Pretty sober and you’re still a fucking bitch.”
My mom brings her fingers to her temple before she emits a long, tired sigh. “I knew I should’ve sent your dad.”