by Ann Hite
Darien never felt so much like home. We held Mama’s memorial service. Harold was a wonderful speaker. He captured Mama’s spirit. Iona, pale and quiet, stood close to me as I sprinkled Mama’s ashes into the ocean. She never wanted to be buried by Daddy. We took the ferry to Sapelo Island. The wind blew as I let the dust out of the urn. Mama’s remains. Peace filled my heart.
The next day Iona came down the steps with her bags.
“What are you doing?” I was cooking her favorite breakfast, oatmeal with brown sugar.
“I’m going back to school. I’m recovered.”
Harold closed his newspaper. “I think you’re right, Iona. Get back on that horse.”
“I thought we decided to talk about your future.” I held the spoon in midair.
“I’m grown, Mama. I have to make a life for myself.” Her calmness echoed in the room.
“You could stay a couple more weeks.”
“Mama …”
“Annie, let her be for now.”
This wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out.
“I’ll take you to the bus station.” I untied my apron.
“Anthony is picking me up.”
“You can’t leave, Iona. You’ve been through too much. So much is still going on.” I willed her to look me in the eyes.
“I’m not planning on trapping him into a loveless marriage, Mama. He’s giving me a ride to school. I’ve got to get out of here.” Her face remained smooth.
I wanted to take her by the shoulders and shake her. “We need to talk.”
“We’ve talked and talked. Now I’ve got to decide what I’m going to do. Not you.”
And there it was. Her life rolled into two sentences.
“I’ll be fine. I won’t give up my music. What else can happen to me? It only gets better from here.”
“A lot, young lady.” The words came out harsher than I intended. She was being stupid. I knew if I let her walk out that door something bad was going to happen.
“Annie, let Iona go back to school. The holidays will be here in a couple of weeks. We can talk future then.”
Harold’s face was thinner. All this had taken a toll on him. I pulled out a chair and sank into it.
Iona kissed the top of her father’s head. She made no move to come close to me. This had all become my fault. Wasn’t that the first truth to surface in a long time?
In less than an hour, Iona was gone. If I had been on Black Mountain, I would have seen Merlin Hocket. I knew that in the bottom of my heart. Only doom could be on the horizon, no matter what Iona chose.
With my little girl gone, it was easy to push all the pressing thoughts to the back of my mind. There was no plan to save her. I was exhausted. I wondered if this was how Mama felt when I left with Hobbs. What had she done to cause me to run up that hill with him to waiting doom? Nothing. Mamas can’t protect their daughters. Not really. They’re helpless to watch and wait.
Harold was busy at the church. We ate quiet suppers together. A couple of times I almost told him the whole story, all of it. One night I served his favorite pot roast. I pulled the chair close to him and sat down. He only opened the newspaper and began to read. He didn’t want to know my past. A part of me would always love Harold in a special way, but not like I should, not like a decent wife loves her husband. What was love anyway? Maybe people got tired of searching for it and settled for someone, settled into a way of life, and made it work. But that wasn’t love.
Two nights later, I sat up straight in my bed. Harold was sleeping in the den. Neither one of us had brought this arrangement up for discussion. Mama stood in the corner of the room. At first I thought I might be sleeping, but I wasn’t. She was there, beautiful like when I was a child before I met Hobbs, before Daddy died. Her hair was swept up on her head like she was going to a party and I couldn’t help but think of the story she told of her own mama visiting her after death.
“Nellie.”
What a beautiful sound my name made. “Mama,” I whispered, trying not to break the spell.
“You’ve been through so much in your life. Much of it you brought on yourself. Your daughter has made a terrible choice. She needs you now. Go now, Nellie. I’m not sure she’ll live through this.” She looked so sad. “Go now, tonight. Drive. Don’t wait. Go like I should have chased you.”
My feet hit the floor without thinking. For once in my life I would listen to Mama. I thought of waking Harold but I knew he would talk me out of going. I didn’t have time to explain a dream to him.
The sun was sitting on top of the trees when I pulled into the parking lot of the school. I knocked on the big door several times before a woman wrapped in a pink robe answered.
“Can I help you?” She spit the words at me.
I must have looked a sight. “I’m Iona Harbor’s mother. There’s an emergency.”
The woman pushed the door open. “She’s on the second floor, room three.”
“I know.” I took the stairs two at a time. When I reached room three, I gave the door a hard push and the lock gave. The twin bed was covered with blood. Iona was crumpled in a heap between the bed and the wall.
“Call the ambulance now!” I pulled Iona closer to me.
She looked at me with glassy eyes. “Mama?”
“Iona, what have you done?”
“What’s going on in here?” The woman stood in the door.
“Call an ambulance. Now. My daughter is going to die if you don’t.”
The woman ran away.
“I got rid of it, Mama. I did it on my own. Now I want to die.”
“Don’t you dare die, Iona! You can’t do that to me. You don’t know the whole story. You don’t know and I have to tell you. I never told you the real story.”
She looked at me and nodded. “Okay.”
She was as limp as a washcloth. “Iona, you keep talking to me.”
She looked at me. “Mama?”
“Why, Iona? What were you thinking?”
“I want to go to Lonnie.”
“You can’t until you hear the whole story. Then you’ll understand.” I cried.
Her breath was heavy.
“You stay with me, Iona! I mean it! I can’t lose you now.”
Then the ambulance drivers were there, pushing me away. I rode in the ambulance with her, holding her hand. “I need you.”
A nurse motioned me back through the double doors. “Doctor Morgan would like to speak with you.” Her face was stern, and I thought of the other hospital, only weeks before. Not today either, Lord. Please not today. God, I’m so sorry I ever said anything. Forgive me for all I have done. Please!
The doctor was young enough to be my son. He held a clipboard and I couldn’t tell from his face whether bad news was headed my way or not. “Mrs. Harbor?”
“Yes. I’m Iona’s mother.”
“Are you aware of her situation?”
“I found her. I rode in the ambulance with her.”
He nodded. “Had you not found her when you did, she wouldn’t be alive. She’s lost a lot of blood. Are you aware of what she was trying to accomplish?”
“I have a good idea.” I didn’t say I’d put the idea in her mind.
He touched my arm. “I know this is tough. Your daughter is still pregnant. Of course we’ll have to do a procedure. The baby doesn’t have a chance of survival now. Iona will survive, but there’s a good chance she will never have children.”
I looked at him. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say.”
He nodded. His eyes reflected pity. He put all the blame on Iona, but the blame should have been placed on me.
“When can I see my daughter?”
“I need you to sign a consent form for the procedure, then you can go back for a minute. I doubt she’ll be awake.”
The form required my signature. In the loopy letters of my name, or my assumed name, I signed away a life. What made me any different than Hobbs Pritchard? When did I ever think I had
the right to play God?
Doctor Morgan tugged on the clipboard that I held. “Go through those doors and to the right. She’s going to be okay, but you might want to consider finding her someone to talk to, a doctor.”
I nodded and pushed away from him through the doors. Iona was pale, her eyes closed, as if she might not wake back up. “Sweetie, I’m here. Oh Iona, I didn’t mean for you to take things into your hands. I would have done anything to help you. This is my fault. Do you understand? All of this is my fault. It started so long ago. I caused this. I was wrong, Iona.” She never moved. I stood holding her hand until the nurse came to get her.
“She’ll be in the operating room about forty-five minutes.” The nurse pulled on the bed. “Doctor Morgan will see you after it’s over.”
I called Harold.
“Hello.” He sounded sleepy, and I was sure he had no idea I had left the house.
“Harold.”
“What?” Now I had his attention. “Where are you?”
“I’m here at the hospital with Iona. I had a terrible dream during the night. I woke up and knew I was supposed to come here. If I had awakened you, you would have talked me out of it.”
“What’s happened, Annie?”
“I’m not sure,” I lied. “But I think Iona has lost a baby. I think she’s in bad condition, Harold. Can you borrow a car?”
“What hospital are you at?”
“I’m not sure. It’s close to the school. I rode in the ambulance. She was almost gone when I got there. No one would have believed me, Harold.”
“Annie, you should have told me. We could have gotten someone to go check on her. Got her help sooner.”
“You wouldn’t have believed me, Harold,” but I was talking to a dial tone.
By the time Harold reached the hospital, I was sitting in Iona’s room waiting on her to regain consciousness. When he entered the room, I could see he was not the man I married. I had destroyed him too.
“She was pregnant. She tried to get rid of the baby on her own. She almost bled to death. If I hadn’t gotten there when I did, she would have died. She’ll be okay, but the baby is lost.” My tone was flat. His judgment was written in his eyes.
“Did you know about this?”
I only looked at him.
“What can we do for her?” He stood close to the bed, to his only child, who was not his child, but was his child in every way.
“Help her want to live. Love her.” I stroked her hand. The scars from the car wreck weren’t so angry, but her skin was tinged orange from her own blood. I rubbed at the places with a warm washcloth. “The stains won’t go away, Harold.” In that moment I cried. I sobbed and sobbed. Harold touched my shoulder.
“She’ll live a good life. I’ll make sure.” I looked at him as fear and hatred blended into one. “I’d give my whole life for her. I have given my whole life for her. Do you understand what I have, what we have?”
“I know you don’t know me. I know that scares the hell out of you. There’s no reason in this world for you to hang on with me, none, but Iona needs us both. I’m willing to give that to her. How about you, Harold? Can you live with me? Can you mend our daughter?”
The anger in his eyes flashed. “I won’t give up on her, Annie. She’s my child too. I have more to give than you know. Why would you ask such a question? We’re a family for better or worse. This is the worst, Annie.”
Iona, pale as death, was the glue that stuck us together. He was my husband. I would remain with him until death did part us.
Sixty-one
A good marriage can withstand many things, but my marriage wasn’t good. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t the kind books are written about. Harold was a preacher, and the church had a say in our lives whether either of us wanted to admit this or not. Harold wouldn’t leave me, and I wouldn’t leave him. Both of us had our reasons. Harold would lose his job. No church in those days wanted a preacher who left his wife. I owed him too much to hurt him that way. Iona needed both of us as her solid rock, even if we were truly sand beneath her feet. Maybe if I had told Harold the truth, spilled my guts, he would have understood, warmed to me again. But in my heart, I knew he wasn’t this kind of man. Not many men could be.
Often in those days after Iona came home, I thought of Jack. It made no sense whatsoever. I knew I’d never see him again, but part of me knew he was the only person I could ever talk to about my past.
Iona stayed home a year. She was quiet, withdrawn. Anthony came around. We had to give him credit for not giving up on our daughter. It was in the summer when I noticed a change in her. She came from upstairs one morning and told me she was going back to school. This was the best news I’d heard.
“I’m not going back to Chapel Hill. I’m going to the University of Georgia. Anthony goes there, and they have a good music department.”
“That sounds wonderful.”
Her shoulders relaxed, and she uncurled her fingers. “I think you mean that.”
“I do.”
She smiled a smile, the first I’d seen in ages. “I need you to help me with one thing.” The words were testing words.
“What?”
“I want to go back to Black Mountain one more time.” My face must have revealed my true feelings. “Mama, don’t be afraid. I want to say good-bye to Lonnie, proper. I talked to Anthony and he thinks it’s a good idea. He offered to take me and wanted to be there, but I didn’t think it would be good for us as a couple, you know.”
My face must have shown amazement because Iona laughed.
“It wasn’t easy, but I told him everything, all of it, Mama. He knows I might never have children. He knows I might never play music professionally. On both counts he thinks I’m wrong.” She took my hand. “He believes in me, Mama.”
Tears rolled down my face. I’m not sure if they were for me or her, probably both. “I will go with you.” I could make one more trip up that mountain.
“Good. I’ll tell Anthony.”
“I’ll tell your father.”
Iona looked surprised.
“He won’t like it, but he’ll live with it.”
* * *
Harold was hard at work in his office at the church. I stood in the door and watched how the light showed the bare spots on his scalp. Part of me wanted to run and kiss that tender part of his head, but we were past those kinds of feelings.
He glanced up and a frown formed on his forehead. “Is something wrong?”
I came in the door. “I don’t think it’s wrong, but I wanted to tell you Iona’s plans.”
He folded his hands in front of him. “So you two have been planning without me again.”
“You could say she planned this one all on her own. She’s much better at this than me. I could learn a lesson from her.”
He smiled. “So what is her plan?”
“She’s going back to school.”
He flinched.
“Not to Chapel Hill, but in Athens, where Anthony goes.”
“He’s a good young man.”
“I have to agree. You don’t run into men like him often.”
He searched my face. “I hope I’m one of those men, Annie.”
I laughed. “Of course you are, Harold. You’re a saint.”
He smiled. “No I’m not.”
“This is the part you won’t care for. She wants to go back to Black Mountain to give Lonnie a ‘proper good-bye.’ It seems she’s told Anthony the whole story, and I mean the whole story. He agrees with her plan. She’s asked me to go with her.”
“What did you say?” He watched me carefully.
“I said yes of course.”
He folded his fingers together on his desk. I had become a member of his congregation. “You seemed so against the place before.”
“I suppose I did.”
“Why the change of heart?”
I shrugged. “My daughter has found the guts to tell her whole story to this man. I have to help her put the past
behind her.”
He nodded. “It will be very cleansing for her.”
“Yes. I’m proud of her. She has a lot of guts.”
“A lot like her mother.”
I looked away. “I’m nowhere near as brave as her, Harold.”
“You are. You just don’t know it.”
We set out for Black Mountain the next Monday. I no longer feared what would happen to me if someone recognized me. It was hot and sunny when we pulled into the parking lot of the church. Iona was driving. Aunt Ida’s house had been torn down and replaced by two new houses made to look old. So many people were looking for that kind of thing. I thought of Hobbs’s sister. Did anyone ever find her? Where were Jack and Rose? Did they leave? So many questions were left unanswered. When we got out of the car, Iona smiled at me.
“You don’t have to go up there, Mama.”
“I’m going.”
The graves were on a hill that was completely green, dotted here and there with granite stones. I knew him before he even turned around. His shoulders weren’t as straight, and he leaned forward more, but it was him.
“Mama, I think that’s—”
“Yes, it’s Lonnie’s dad.”
“Or stepdad.”
I touched her arm. “He was more a father than his real father could ever have been.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She looked around. “Maybe I should wait.”
“He won’t mind.” I didn’t look at her. I couldn’t let her know my feelings.
“Come with me.”
“You know I will.” We climbed that hill together.
He turned and watched us, straightening his shoulders. There was a fresh grave. My stomach ached.
“Iona.” He held out his hand. “I’m so glad to see you.”
“I wanted to visit Lonnie’s grave one more time.” She held a small book in her hand. “I have something I want to leave.”
Jack nodded. “Good.” Then he looked at me. “It’s good to see you again, Mrs. Harbor.”
I looked away with a lump in my throat. “I think I’ll give you some time alone, Iona.”
Iona looked over at me. “Who died?”
“My wife passed away a month ago today.”
“Oh no.” Iona fought tears, and I wondered how good all this truth stuff was for her.