by Unknown
Dawson got up from the bed and moved to the window. He moved the curtain aside and looked out into the darkness. He wasn't looking at anything. He was seeing the past, the horror in Barrie's eyes, the pain that he'd caused.
Barrie sat up. She noticed his lean hand clenching the curtains. It had gone white. He looked beaten, exhausted.
She swallowed hard. Her hands went to her pale cheeks and smoothed over them and then pushed back the tangled dark hair that fell over her breasts. She was wearing a long cotton gown that completely covered her except for her arms and a little of her slender neck. She never slept just in her briefs these days, not even in summer.
"I didn't realize that you still had nightmares about it," he said after a minute. His voice was dull and without expression.
"Not very often," she said. She couldn't tell him that most of them ended with her losing the baby, crying out for Dawson. That hadn't happened tonight, thank God. She couldn't bear for him to know it all.
He turned away from the window and moved back to the side of the bed, but not close. His hands closed in the pockets of his robe.
"It wouldn't be that way a second time," he said stiffly. Her eyes widened in fear, as if he'd suggested seducing her all over again. The realization infuriated him, but he controlled the surge of anger. "Not.. .with me." He bit off the words, averting his face. "I didn't mean that."
She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. The sound of the fabric sliding against her skin was abnormally loud. She glanced up at him and the memories began to recede. If she was hurting, so was he. He couldn't fake the sort of pain she saw in his drawn face.
"Haven't you even been curious since then, for God's sake?" he asked. "You're a woman. You must have friends, people you could ask. Surely someone told you that first times are notoriously bad."
She smoothed one hand over the other. Her body slumped with a long sigh. "I can't talk to anyone about it," she said finally. "I only have one best friend. And how could I possibly ask Antonia, when she's known us both for years? She wouldn't need two guesses to figure out why I was asking."
He nodded. "You were a virgin. You needed time to be properly aroused, especially with me, and I lost control much too soon," he added. His eyes searched her face grimly. "That was a first for me. Until you came along, there had never been a woman who could throw me offbalance in bed."
Her face lowered. It was an accomplishment of sorts, she supposed.
"I damaged both of us that night," he said gently. "Until I had you, I genuinely thought you were experienced, Barrie, that you were only teasing on the beach when you had to be coaxed into removing your top."
That brought her eyes up to his, shocked. "But I would never have done such a thing!" she protested.
"I had to find that out the hard way," he replied. "Maybe I used it as an excuse, too. I wanted you and I convinced myself that you'd surely had men at your age, that it had all been playacting on your part, all that coy shyness. But it didn't take me long to realize why you'd given in without a struggle. You loved me," he said huskily.
Her eyes closed. She couldn't bear to hear him say it again. He'd taunted her with her feelings after that disastrous night.
She felt the bed depress as he sat down slowly beside her. His hand tipped her head back toward his, making her look at him. "Guilt will drive a man to violence, Barrie," he said, his voice deep and soft in the silence of her room. "Especially when he's done something unforgivable and knows he'll never find forgiveness for it. I taunted you because I couldn't live with what I'd done to you. It doesn't make much sense, now. But at the time, blaming you was the only thing that kept me from putting a gun to my head."
She hadn't said a word. Her big eyes were locked into his as she struggled to understand him.
"I couldn't stop." He took an unsteady breath. "God, Barrie, I tried. I tried. But I couldn't... stop." He leaned forward, his head down bent, defeated. "For months after it happened, I could hear your voice in my nightmares. I knew I was hurting you, but I couldn't draw back."
She didn't understand desire of that sort, pleasure too blind to feel pity. She'd never felt it, although the way he'd kissed her in the ocean had made her hungry for something. "I wanted you, too."
He lifted his head and looked down at her. "You don't understand, do you?" he asked gently. "You've never felt desire that overwhelming. Your only knowledge of real intimacy is forever embedded in pain."
"I didn't know you had nightmares," she said slowly.
"I still have them," he said on a cold laugh. "Just like you."
Her gaze went over his face like searching hands. "Why did you come to my room that night?" she asked softly.
He moved, one long arm going across her body to support him as he leaned closer, so that his face filled her entire line of vision. "Because I wanted you so much that I would have died to have you," he said through his teeth.
The subdued violence in the flat statement surprised her. Perhaps she'd known on some unspoken level how desperately hungry he'd been for her, but he'd never actually said the words before.
"I wanted you so much that I was almost sick with it. I came to you because I couldn't stop myself. And it does no good whatsoever five years after the fact to tell you that I'm sorry."
"Are you sorry?" she asked sadly.
He nodded, without blinking an eye. "Sorry. Bitter. Hurt. All the things you were. But there was more to it than just physical pain on your part.'' He didn't move. He didn't seem to breathe. He took a slow, deliberate breath. "You never told me that I gave you a baby that night. Or that, several weeks later, you lost it. Did you think I wouldn't find out, someday?" he concluded heavily, the pain lying dark and dull in his eyes as he saw the shock register on her face.
Her heart skipped and ran away. "I...how did you find out?" she faltered. "I never even told Antonia!"
"Do you remember the intern who attended to you in the emergency room?"
"Yes. Richard Dean," she recalled. "He'd been a student in your graduating class. But you never saw him, he even said that you didn't mix socially. Besides, he was a doctor, he took an oath never to talk about his patients...!"
"We met at a class reunion a few weeks ago," he confided. "He thought I knew. You're my stepsister, after all, he reminded me. He assumed that you'd told me."
She gnawed her lower lip, staring up at him worriedly.
His lean hand came to touch her mouth, disturbing the grip of her teeth. "Don't," he said softly.
"I forget sometimes," she murmured.
His thumb traced over her mouth gently. He searched her eyes. "He said... that you were utterly devastated," he whispered. "That you cried until he had to sedate you." His face drew up with bitterness. "He said you wanted the baby desperately, Barrie."
She dragged her eyes down to his chest. "It was a long time ago." Her voice sounded stiff.
He let out a heavy breath. "Yes, and you've done your grieving. But I've only just started. I didn't know until Richard told me. It's been a little rough, losing a child I didn't even know I'd helped create."
His face was averted, but she could see the pain on it. It was the first time they'd really shared grief, except when his father had died. But that had only been a few words, because she couldn't stand to be near him so soon after the Riviera.
"Would you have told me?" he asked, staring at the wall.
"I'm not sure. It seemed senseless, after so long a time. You didn't know about the baby. I wasn't sure you'd want to know."
He caught her slender hand in his and linked his fingers with it. "I got drunk and stayed drunk for three days after I got back from my class reunion," he said after a minute. Then he added, expressionlessly, "Richard said that you asked a nurse to call me from the emergency room."
She stared at the big hand holding hers so closely. "Yes, in a moment of madness."
"I didn't know she was a nurse. She mentioned your name and before she could say why she was calling, I hung u
p on her."
His fingers had tightened painfully. "Yes," she said.
He drew her hand to his lips and kissed it hungrily.
His head was bent over her hand, but she saw the faint wetness at the corner of his eye and she gasped, horrified.
As if his pride wouldn't take that sort of blow, letting her see the wetness in his eyes, he let go of her fingers and got up, going back to stand at the darkened window. He didn't speak for a full minute, his hand gripping the curtain tightly. "Richard said it was a boy."
She rested her forehead against her knees. "Please," she whispered gruffly. "I can't talk about it."
He moved from the window, back to the bed. He tore the covers away and scooped her up into his arms, sitting down to hold her tight, tight, across his legs, with his face against her soft throat.
"I've got you," he whispered roughly. "You're safe. Nothing will ever hurt you again. Cry for him. God knows I have!"
The tender gruffness in his deep voice broke the dam behind which her tears had hidden. She gave way to them, for the first time since the miscarriage. She wept for the son she'd lost. She wept for her pain, and for his. She wept for all the lost, lonely years.
A long time later, she felt him dabbing at her eyes with a corner of the sheet. She took it from him and finished the job. And still he held her, gently, without passion. Her cheek felt the regular, hard beat of his heart under the soft fabric of the robe. She opened her hot, stinging eyes and stared across at the dark window, all the fire and pain wept out of her in salty tears.
"It's late," he said finally. "Mrs. Holton arrives first thing in the morning. You need to get some sleep."
She stretched, boneless from exhaustion, and looked up into his quiet, watchful eyes. Involuntarily his own gaze went down to the soft thrust of her breasts under the cotton gown. He remembered the beauty of her body, years after his last glimpse of it.
She watched him staring at her, but she didn't move or flinch.
"Don't you want to run?" he taunted.
She shook her head. Her eyes looked straight up into his. She slid her fingers over the lean, strong hand that was lying across her waist. She tugged at it until it lifted. She smoothed it up her side, over her rib cage, and then gently settled it directly over one soft breast.
His intake of breath was audible, and his body seemed to jump.
"No," he said curtly, jerking his hand down to her waist. "Don't be stupid."
She felt less confident than she had before, but there was a faint film of sweat over his upper lip. He was more shaken than he looked.
"Don't make me ashamed. It's hard for me, to even think of this, much less...do it," she said. "I only wanted to know if I could let you touch me," she finished with a rueful smile.
The cold hauteur left him. "I can't take the risk, even if you're willing to." He started to move her aside, but she clung.
"What risk?" she asked.
"Don't you know? You don't need to find out the hard way that I can still want you." He laughed coldly. "I'm not sure I want to know, either."
While she was working that one out, he lifted her and placed her gently onto the pillows. He got up and moved back from the bed. "Go to sleep."
"What if you could... want me?" she persisted, levering up on her elbows.
He looked unutterably weary. "Barrie, we both know that you'd scream the minute I touched you with intent," he said. "You couldn't help it. And even if I could feel anything with you, it might be just the way it was before. I might lose my head again, hurt you again."
"I'm not a virgin anymore," she said without thinking.
His face was quiet, expressionless as he looked down at her. "It's a moot point. My body is dead, as far as sex is concerned. For both our sakes, let well enough alone. It's too soon for experimenting."
Before she could speak, he'd gone out the door, closing it behind him with a firm snap. Barrie lay back, turning what he'd said over in her mind.
He knew, finally, about the baby they'd lost. She didn't know if she was sorry or glad, but it had been cathartic to have it all out in the open. He grieved for their child, at least, as she did. But he had nothing to give her, and she still loved him. It was a problem that had no easy resolution, and in the morning a new complication was due to present itself. She wondered how she was going to react to the widow Holton. It would be an interesting introduction, at the very least.
* * *
Leslie Holton blew in the next morning like a redheaded tornado, driving a brand-new shiny black Jaguar. Peering through the lacy curtains in the living room when she drove up, Barrie couldn't help thinking that the car suited her. Mrs. Holton was sleek and dangerous-looking, a powerhouse no less than the car she drove. She was wearing a black-and-white suit. Its starkness made her pale skin even paler and presented a backdrop for her fiery hair. Wickedly Barrie wondered how much of it came out of a bottle, because the widow was obviously
over twenty-one. Way over.
She went out into the hall and met up with Dawson who had just come out of his study. There were dark circles under his eyes. He appeared worn, as if he hadn't slept. He looked across at Barrie, and she realized that he hadn't slept at all.
She moved toward him. Last night had calmed some old terrors, the way they'd talked had changed things in some subtle way. She stopped in front of him and looked up.
"You haven't had any sleep," she said gently. His face hardened. "Don't push your luck." Her eyebrows lifted. ''Am I?"
"Looking at me like that is chancy."
She smiled. "What will you do?" she chided. Something equally reckless flared in his pale eyes.
"Want to see?"
He moved forward with an economy of motion to scoop her up against his chest. He held her there, searching her eyes at point-blank range.
Her arms tightened around his strong neck and she looked back at him curiously. He'd wanted the baby, too. That knowledge had changed the way she envisioned him. Even though there was some residual fear of him in her, the memory of the grief she'd seen in his face last night tempered it.
"Doesn't anybody hear the doorbell ringing?" Corlie muttered as she came out of the kitchen and suddenly spotted Dawson holding Barrie off the floor in his arms. "Well, excuse me." She chuckled, sparing them a wicked glance as she went toward the front door.
Barrie started to speak but Dawson shook his head. "Don't disillusion her," he whispered. "Let her hope."
Something in the way he said it made her look at him curiously. His pale eyes fell to her mouth and he hesitated.
"If you wanted to kiss me, you could," she said boldly. "I mean, I wouldn't scream or anything."
"Cheeky brat," he muttered, but he was still looking at her mouth.
"I can always tell when you've been on a trip to the station in Australia," she whispered.
"Can you?" His head bent closer, his mouth threatening her soft lips. His arms contracted a little. Somewhere in the distance, a stringent voice was demanding that Corlie have someone get luggage out of the Jaguar.
"Yes," she whispered at his lips. "You always come back using Aussie slang."
He chuckled softly.
Barrie felt the vibration of his laughter all the way to her toes. It was the old magic, without the fear. She loved him. His arms were warm and strong and safe, and her hands clasped together behind his neck. She lifted herself closer to that hard, beautiful mouth and parted her lips.
"No self-preservation left, Barrie?" he whispered huskily. His own lips parted and moved down slowly. "Baby," he breathed into her mouth. "Baby, baby...!"
The pressure became slow and soft and insistent. It began to deepen and she caught her breath, anticipating the hunger that she could already taste...
"Dawson!"
Their faces jerked apart. Dawson stared at the newcomer just for a moment with eyes that didn't quite focus. "Leslie," he said then. "Welcome to White Ridge." He lowered Barrie gently to her feet and, keeping a possessive arm around
her, held his hand out to Leslie.
Mrs. Holton made an indignant sound. "Hello, Dawson," she said impatiently. "My goodness, isn't that your stepsister?"
"She was," Dawson replied coolly. "Yesterday, she became my fiancee. We're engaged."
Mrs. Holton was clearly surprised. "But isn't that against the law?"
"Barrie and I aren't blood-related in any way," he said. "My father married her mother."
"Oh." Leslie stared at Barrie, who grinned at her. "I'm glad to meet you, Miss Rutherford."
"Bell," Barrie corrected her, extending a hand. She was quivering inside, all raw nerves and excitement. "Barrie Bell."
"I didn't expect this," Mrs. Holton said. She eyed Dawson carefully. "Of course, it's very sudden, isn't it?" She smiled with feline calculation. "In fact, I seem to remember hearing that the two of you didn't even speak. When did that change?"
"Yesterday," Dawson said, unperturbed. He looked down at Barrie. "It was sudden, all right. Like a bolt of lightning." His eyes fell to her soft mouth as he said it, and she caught her breath at the surge of feeling the stare provoked.
Leslie Holton wasn't blind, but she was determined. "You do, uh, still want to discuss my tract of land near Bighorn?" she asked with a calculating smile.
"Of course," Dawson replied, and he smiled back. "That was the purpose of your visit, wasn't it?"
She shrugged a thin shoulder. "Well, yes, among other things. I do hope you're going to show me around the ranch while I'm here. I'm very interested in livestock."
"Barrie and I will be delighted, wont we, baby?" he added with a glance at Barrie that made her toes curl.
She pressed close to his side, shocked at her surge of hunger to be near him. It was equally shocking to hear his faint breath and feel his arm tighten around her shoulders.
"Certainly," she said. She smiled at Mrs. Holton, but she sounded, and felt, breathless.
"Corlie will show you to your room, and Rodge will bring your bags right up," Dawson said. "I'll be right back." He let go of Barrie with a smile and went to call Rodge on the intercom.