Manifesting Shadow, #1

  My eyes met hers. She searched for several moments, hoping to catch a glimpse of something she yearned for.

  “Where did you go? I need you to come back to me, Danielle. You look at me and your eyes are empty,” she said, placing her hand on my chest, “Danielle, what happened to you?”

  I put my hands on her arms and then immediately pulled them away. I felt it, what I thought I saw in her eyes. She was different. I could sense something growing inside her.

  “Why else are you here?” I asked curiously. She drew back from me.

  “I’m leaving, Danielle.”

  My heart beat once, loud and hard as, though it had been struck by lightning.

  “I’m moving with my mom. Apparently, she has another place apart from my dad a couple of hours from here. Danielle, there’s something I really need to tell you,” she said looking to the sky so her eyes might swallow the tears that persisted, “The only people that know are my parents and Abel. I knew that you were the only one I could tell who wouldn’t freak out. I told Abel, and he wanted to break up, just like that. I know it’s a lot for someone his age with his whole life ahead of him . . . I just didn’t expect . . . I don’t know what I expected . . .”

  “Stop,” I said, raising my hand and becoming more sick with every word she spoke. “I don’t want to hear how you were stupid, and went ahead and fucked your boyfriend, and wound up getting yourself knocked up by that douche bag!”

  “Excuse me? Are you fucking kidding me? You pushed me to him, Danielle! You—“

  “And you come here telling me all this bullshit about how you miss me, and there’s some big hole in your life when you couldn’t keep your fuckin legs closed ─ ”

  As I spoke, my dad exited the church.

  “Fuck you, Dani,” Peyton said as she shoved me, and turned away “Fuck you.”

  “You’re just like everyone else,” I said, turning toward her, “Selfish and stupid.”

  She looked back at me, disgusted, shook her head and walked away.

  * * *

  “That was the last time I saw her. She messaged me some, but I just ignored them. I didn’t know how . . . to undo what I said. I wanted to take it back right away, but I knew it was something that words could never undo,” I said.

  “What made you react the way you did? I’m not saying I’m surprised. I just want to hear it from your perspective.“

  “I felt disappointed. It’s so selfish and I know it is, but I wanted to think that if she couldn’t be with me, then she wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, no matter what. I figured she would date other people and try to find someone. I just thought there was no way she would be able to find anything even close to what we had, that she would always be disappointed, as I know I will always be.”

  “Explain that to me, because it is possible to be with someone in a sexual way without that kind of bond. You’ve proven that with the situation with your uncle’s girlfriend.”

  I grew defensive once more.

  “That was different.”

  “How? How is it different? Because it’s you and not her?”

  Unable to come up with a legitimate argument, I opted to end our session at that point.

  Chapter Fourteen: Empty Except for Anger

  The night after the funeral I made my way back home and tried to keep to myself as much as possible. When my dad called me down for dinner, I dreaded every step I took down the stairs. I just didn’t want to be around anyone. Everywhere I went I felt I didn’t belong, and I didn’t fit in. I didn’t feel what anyone else was feeling, and I didn’t know how to pretend that I did. It made every moment awkward.

  I descended the stairs quietly and looked around the corner to see my brother and dad already seated at the table. They seemed awkward sitting there alone. Two empty seats. They had set out food that had obviously been prepared by someone else. It had been heated up in tinfoil makeshift dishes, and paper plates were set out on the table: four plates.

  I walked over quickly, and snatched up the extra plate, holding it in the air.

  “Are we expecting someone?” I said harshly.

  “Uh . . . no,” my dad said in confusion. “Just habit, I guess . . .”

  I sat down and tried to consume my food as quickly as possible.

  “Should we pray first?” my dad suggested.

  My brother looked around curiously.

  “I’d rather not,” I said, “It’s not like we ever have before, or have anything to be thankful for.”

  “Right . . .” my dad replied and began to eat his food with his head bowed.

  “Peyton called . . .” my dad said, moving his food around his plate.

  “Okay.”

  “She really wants to talk to you, maybe you should give her a call. Seemed you guys didn’t end things so well the last time you talked.”

  “I don’t have anything to say.”

  “Dani, I’m worried about you, you are seriously scaring me. Now, I’m not an expert on grieving, but your approach seems to be extremely uncharacteristic.”

  “I don’t know what to tell you. I’m just doing what I feel. Is that not okay?”

  “Listen, I know this has been a hard day for all of us, me, you, Nathan, Christian, and everyone. What you said during the service crossed the line. That’s Christian’s sister, he’s torn apart over this. I just don’t know what he did to upset you.” My brother shot me a glance.

  “Fuck Christian,” I said under my breath.

  “What was that?” my dad said, raising an eyebrow, clearly angered.

  “I said, fuck Christian. He deserves way worse than that─ “

  “Oh, my God, Danielle!” He ran his hands through his hair while trying to maintain a calm, constructive composure, “You don’t mean that.”

  He directed his words at my brother as if to reassure him that I did not mean what I said.

  “Of course I mean that! Fuck him! I’m glad I said what I did! I wish he was dead!”

  “I know you’re upset about your mom, but you can’t say things like tha . . . “

  “I’m not upset, I don’t care. I don’t give a shit. She did that! She let those things happen to Nathan, and she couldn’t own up to the fact that it was her fault! I don’t feel bad for her! She killed herself, she did the most selfish thing you can do, and the people who care about her are the ones left to pick up the pieces. No, no way!”

  My dad had the most bewildered expression on his face. In a somber voice, he asked:

  “Let what happen to Nathan?”

  I paused. I hadn’t even stopped to think that my dad had not yet been told about how everything had transpired in his absence. He was the one not only picking up the pieces but still trying to put them together.

  “What?” I asked.

  “What are you talking about, Danielle?”

  My brother shook his head frantically at me while my dad’s eyes were on me.

  “Nothing,” I said, getting up from my seat.

  I passed them on my way out of the room. My dad reached out and clutched my arm. I immediately felt a hot energy rush to where his hand was. I quickly took his hand and removed it from my arm. As I gripped his wrist, I felt the flesh searing in my grasp.

  “Don’t ever do that,” I said, pushing his hand away.

  He pulled his arm to his chest quickly and began examining the damage, looking back and forth at me and then his hand, completely dumbfounded.

  “I gotta get out of here,” I said, walking out the door.

  I left the house and began walking. I knew where I was going, and I was scared of what I would do when I got there. I could only feel anger, rage, and hatred pulsing through my body and trying to escape. I had a good idea what would happen when it did escape.

  When I arrived at my destination, I rang the doorbell.

  “Hey, Dani!” said Cain as he opened the door, obviously a little tipsy, but still smiling, “I wasn’t expecting you, but so glad you could make it.

 
; “Hey,” I said, realizing I had walked in on one of Cain and Abel’s house parties.

  “Come in,” he said, hugging me, “Hey, from the bottom of my heart I just want you to know I am so sorry about what happened with your mom. I can’t imagine.”

  “Yeah . . . thanks” I said. Cain didn’t have a bad bone in his body. I tried to be appreciative of his kind words.

  “You want a drink?” he asked.

  “Uh, yeah,” I said in an attempt to get some space between us.

  “Hey, baby, can I get a drink too? Hey, Dani!” said Trish from behind him, as she walked up and grabbed Cain around the waist.

  “Hey, Trish,” I said.

  “Of course, my love,” said Cain with a smile, and gave Trish a kiss on the forehead.

  Some infinitesimal piece of me was actually happy knowing they had found each other finally.

  “Oh, my gosh, I know that you and Peyton haven’t really talked lately, but can you believe she’s leaving today? Like, she wouldn’t even say why. Aw, I’m so sad,” she said with an exaggerated sad face.

  “Yeah, it’s crazy,” I said, not wanting to talk about Peyton.

  “Can I ask you a personal question?” Trish said, in a hushed tone.

  “Uh . . . sure, why not?”

  “Was there like something going on between you two?” she asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I won’t tell,” she raised one hand as if to swear, “There was just something about you when it came to her. I mean, we weren’t close like you two. I don’t think anyone was that close to her, but when you guys stopped talking she just like . . . shut down. She just cried all the time.”

  “I’m sure Abel fixed that,” I said, wanting to escape the topic quickly.

  “Ha ha. Please, that was the biggest joke ever, I mean no one is surprised they broke up,” Trish said laughing.

  “Who broke up?” Abel said, appearing behind Trish.

  “You and Peyton,” I said, plainly.

  “Oh, heh, yeah, whatever,” Abel said, shrugging his shoulders.

  “Why is that Abel?” I asked.

  “Why what?” he asked.

  “Why did you break things off with Peyton?” I asked.

  “Abel, you said she broke up with you,” Trish said, squinting her eyes questioningly.

  “Not what she told me,” I said, staring Abel down.

  “Yeah, if you’re going to lie shouldn’t it be the other way around?” Trish asked, confused.

  “That’s what she told you?” Abel asked in a tone acknowledging that it was the truth. He ran his hand through his hair, obviously wondering how to approach the topic.

  “Why did you break up with her?” I asked again.

  He put his arm around me to lead me away from any listening ears and drew me to one side.

  “Listen, I feel like shit about how things went down between me and Peyton, but she agreed with me that it was for the best. I don’t mean to be an asshole but, no offense, she paid about as much attention to me as you pay to my brother. I feel terrible about the circumstances, but I don’t think me being around would really help the situation.”

  “You’re joking, right?” I said in disgust.

  “Dani, I’m eighteen years old, I have my whole life ahead of me. I just . . . I can’t be there for her the way she needs,” he said sincerely, “Either way, she was leaving. What was I supposed to do?”

  “You could have made her stay.”

  “No,” he pointed toward me with his beer as he walked away, “you could have.”

  His last words echoed in my mind as I found a seat in the living room. People surrounded me, but the noise did not penetrate, did not distract me. I sat there, my eyes fixed on Abel. How dare he try to make her leaving my fault? Every second I looked at him fed the flame of rage smoldering inside me. I watched him laugh, and drink, and have a good time with his friends. What was Peyton doing right now? I wondered how alone she felt right now. The room began to blur slightly. My heart raced under my ribs, making the room appear to be trembling. I felt my hands gripping so tight to the arms of the chair they began to go numb.

  This sick, poisonous rage grew uncontrollably inside me. It wanted out, and never in my life did I feel more ready to release that pure hatred upon the world. This hatred was the closest feeling to love, and it fed my appetite for more.

  Every smirk on his face, every laugh, every second I looked at Abel, the frenzy inside me grew.

  I watched Abel walk up to Trish and put his hand on her waist.

  “Hey, Trish, care to see what the better half is like,” Abel said, leaning into her.

  Trish put up her hand and pushed him away, “Abel, I think you’re a little drunk.”

  “Oh, wait, you already have,” he said more loudly, “Well, why not again, my brother’s used to coming in second, so it’s okay.”

  “What are you talking about?” Cain made his presence in the room known to his brother.

  “Cain! There you are! I was just remembering a while back when I slept with your girl, ya know, right before y’all got together," he laughed, drunkenly, “Is that weird to you?”

  “That’s not funny, Abel,” Cain said, appearing embarrassed, taking Trish’s hand to lead her away from Abel.

  “No, but it’s true,” Abel said, smirking at Cain. He grasped Trish’s other hand, and pulled her harder than he probably intended back in his direction, “Wait, where are you going?”

  “Dude!” Cain said and shoved Abel back into the counter.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down, baby bro. Why don’t you let the lady choose?” said Abel, laughing.

  “Abel, I’m serious,” Cain warned in a lower but obviously frustrated tone, “fuckin’ stop.”

  Cain turned his back to walk away. Abel shoved him hard in the back, and Cain’s knee slammed into one of the end tables.

  “What the hell’s your problem?” Cain shouted at Abel.

  “I’m just saying, why not let her choose? Oh, why? cause you know that there’s no way in this world or any other that someone would choose you over me?” he mocked.

  The room grew ominously quiet. People began whipping out their phones, knowing something was about to happen.

  “Is that what you think?” Cain said, turning toward Abel in disgust.

  “No,” Abel said, taking a sip of his beer, “I know it.”

  “Yeah, well . . . Peyton didn’t choose you.”

  Abel swung his fist at Cain and hit him hard in the face. Cain was taken off guard. Blood dripped off his bottom lip as he tried to regain his balance. He steadied himself quickly and swung at Abel, missing him as Abel sidestepped his punch, and pushed Cain to the ground.

  Abel laughed hard, “Yeah, well, she was a dumb bitch.” He kicked Cain in the stomach as he attempted to get up. Watching Abel laughing, I stood up. Immediately, red washed over the room and everywhere became a slow blur of noise and inaudible voices. I turned around and looked back to where I was sitting. My body was still there. I had embodied my shadow.

  Time slowed. I approached Abel, unnoticed by the growing crowd in the room, and glanced down at Cain, barely getting to his feet again. I could feel the adrenaline pumping in their veins. As it coursed between the two of them. I felt it pass through me as well. Every instance of pain and suffering I had ever experience in my life felt like it had been burrowed up to the surface and permeated every part of my soul.

  Cain stood, facing Abel. I positioned myself behind Abel. Out of the waves of inaudibility, I heard Cain:

  “I hate you!” as he spoke, he swung his fist.

  I could see Abel’s shadow moving just underneath his skin, omitting a hazy white light as an aura. I positioned myself in front of Abel between the two of them. All my anger and hatred coalesced at that moment. I reached out and dug my fist into his chest and gripped his essence, wrapping my fingers around it tightly, and pulled back with all my strength.

  I felt his soul rip from his body, it was
like tearing a sheet of ice from him. As I pulled back, I watched his shadow fall to the ground. His shadow put his hand out to reach for his physical body, which stood lifeless in its absence. Abel’s shadow looked at me in complete innocence and confusion.

  In a second I was sitting back in my chair, watching from afar. Cain swung his fist and just as it was about to collide with Abel’s left temple, Abel’s expression went blank.

  Smack! Cain’s fist connected with Abel’s head, he fell backward and collapsed onto the ground, his head smacking the tile on the kitchen floor.

  Everyone cheered, impressed that Cain could manage such a feat. Cain looked around, surprised by his own achievement.

  “Should have seen that coming,” Cain said, kicking the side of Abel’s leg with his foot, “All right someone get him an ice pack for when he comes to.”

  Cain reached down to grab Abel’s hand and immediately let go.

  “What the hell?”

  “What is it?” Trish asked.

  “He’s ice cold,” he said, looking up at Trish.

  “You fuckin’ killed him, Cain!” someone shouted from the background. Some cheered, unsure of what exactly the situation was.

  “Hey, shut the fuck up!” Cain said, sliding around to Abel’s side. He put his head down on Abel’s chest, “Holy shit. Someone . . . Someone Call 911!”

  Shouting consumed the room immediately. People began screaming, whipping out their phones, trying to dial those three simple digits, suggesting resuscitation. Others left the party as fast as they could.

  I watched as Cain immediately began to try to perform CPR on Abel; he looked more worried with every thrust to Abel’s chest.

  “Oh, my God. What the fuck?”

  Standing next to Cain pacing back and forth was Abel’s shadow. He walked with his arms crossed, looking down at Cain’s fruitless efforts to revive him. He shook his head and looked at me, disappointed. He knelt down next to Cain and put one hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. He stood up once more, glanced at me, then he took a step back and was gone.

  “He’s gone,” I heard myself say out loud.

  Everyone in the room fell quiet.