“Tell me about your family,” Ethan said.
My heart dropped the second the words were out of his mouth. I’d managed to forget about things for a while there, but now, the grief threatened to consume me again.
“Happy things,” he added. “Tell me about happy things. It sounds like you loved them a lot. I like hearing about normal people, if that makes any sense.”
“I’m far from normal,” I said. “But my parents . . . they were pretty much perfect, as far as parents go.” I stared straight ahead, willing the tears away before they even came to my eyes. There. Maybe I could do this, after all.
“They adopted me when I was four. Most couples want to adopt a newborn, or maybe even a toddler, but a four-year-old? Even as a kid, I didn’t get my hopes up. I knew my chances.” Despite the ache filling my heart, I smiled at the memory of the day my mother told me I should call her “Mom” instead of “Mrs. Monroe.” “They found out Mom was pregnant with my sister before the ink was even dry on the adoption papers, but they treated us exactly the same once she was born. I was their daughter. I never questioned their love for me at all.”
I glanced up at Ethan to see him nodding along with my story, with his lips pressed into a thin line. He looked deep in thought. “They sound like good people,” he finally said.
“They were. The best I’ve ever known.” After a moment, I added, “But honestly? Maybe this was for the best. At least they don’t have to go through this.”
“Go through what, exactly?”
“Not knowing if you’ll be alive an hour from now. Or five minutes from now, for that matter.” My gaze lifted to the sky, where the clouds were still black as coal. My heart pounded. “Not knowing? I think that’s worse than death itself. And now, they’re in a better place than this.”
“You really believe that?” he asked.
My lips curved up into a small smile, and I shrugged a shoulder. “I have to.”
Chapter 7
We’d walked miles, and miles, and miles, and there was still no sign of life anywhere. Reality was settling in: the scope of all this was even bigger than I could have imagined. Maybe the doctor was right. Maybe this was the end of the world.
I had no clue where we were. All I knew was that my feet and calves were tight and on fire, my head was pounding, and I felt like I couldn’t walk another inch. Even after Ethan forced me to share a bag of crumbled chips with him and take a gulp of water, my stomach cramped, making it painful to so much as move. And while the temperature was steadily dropping degree by freezing degree, sweat was soaking through my long-sleeved shirt by the time we came upon what Dr. Fowler deemed an acceptable campsite for the night.
The six of us stopped in front of a tiny run-down shack in the middle of the sparsely wooded area he’d led us to. It looked more like a storage shed made of Popsicle sticks than a building capable of housing all of us.
“All the houses and buildings we’ve seen destroyed today, and this thing made it through the storm?” Ethan asked.
He’d been my saving grace during our trek throughout the day, allowing me to lean on him when I was weak, and even carrying me on his back at one point when I became light-headed. He and I stood side-by-side in front of the shack in what seemed to be his favorite position, with his arm resting across my shoulders. I wasn’t complaining.
“Are we sure no one lives here?” I asked, hardly recognizing my own voice. The lack of water and food was taking its toll on me—on all of us, actually. I had no idea how we were supposed to make it through another day of this. I wasn’t sure we could.
“Does it look like anyone lives here?” Danny asked.
I rolled my eyes. “Well, no, but someone could still be using it for shelter. I mean, that’s what we’re doing.”
Danny started ahead of us, walking toward the shack. “If someone was using this place for shelter, they would have left some sort of trace behind. Only one way to find out.”
He jogged up the three steps leading to the doorway of the shack. Well, it used to be the doorway. Without an actual door, it was just an opening in the wall. Danny peered inside the tiny space, then stepped in.
“See?” he called out, his voice echoing off the walls. “Empty. Excuse me while I plop my tired ass on this floor and sleep for five days.”
“More like five hours,” Dr. Fowler said. “This is only for the night. We’re heading back out first thing in the morning.”
Danny groaned from inside the cabin. “You serious, Doc?”
“We’ll get a fire going out here,” the doctor continued. “Warm ourselves a bit before you all get some shut-eye.” He hesitated, eyeing each of us before speaking again. “I’d prefer to have at least one of you stay out here with me, even if it’s done in shifts.”
“What for?” I asked.
His gaze lifted to the ever-present clouds still blanketing the sky. “You really want to risk sleeping through what that may have to offer?” he asked. My silence seemed to answer his question, as he stepped around me and made his way to a clearing next to the shack.
“Are you even supposed to make a fire in the middle of the woods?” Nate asked. “Isn’t that kind of dangerous?”
Dr. Fowler blew out a heavy breath, and it was obvious he was as exhausted and irritated as I was. Who could blame him? “And what would you have us do?” he asked. “Freeze tonight? Because that’s exactly what’ll happen if we don’t have some source of heat, even for the time being.” He stormed across the short distance between us and grabbed Nate’s hand. He pushed up the sleeve of his hoodie, then pinched his arm. “Did you feel that?”
With his lips pressed together tightly, Nate shook his head. Dr. Fowler dropped his arm.
“Precisely. Your skin is ice-cold to the touch, boy. Our bodies can withstand more than what we’d imagine, but it can only go through so much before shutting itself down. Take care of it at any given opportunity. We’re fighting a battle far beyond the scope of your imagination. You’d do well to listen if you want to survive.” When Nate remained silent, the doctor backed away. “There’s a small clearing here. It’ll have to do for now. We’re going to need some old wood.”
“How are we sleeping?” Haven asked. “We only have three blankets.”
“Cuddle party!” Danny said, appearing in the doorway and waving me over. “Come on over here with me, Pretty. I’ll share a blanket with you.”
My cheeks heated, and Ethan stiffened. My gaze flickered from him to Danny. “I think I’m going to help collect wood, actually. You going?” I asked Ethan, who nodded in response. He narrowed his eyes at Danny before starting for the trees without saying a word. What was that all about?
Danny shrugged, as if answering my unspoken question, and I hurried along to catch up with Ethan. The two of us walked in silence, each picking up scraps of wood here and there. Once our arms were full, we headed back in the direction of the shack.
“It’s freezing out here,” I said in an attempt to diffuse the tension still lingering.
The corner of his lips turned up into a half-smile. Finally. I’d missed seeing that smile. For some reason, as long as Ethan felt okay about things, so did I.
“Well, it’s December in Pennsylvania,” he said. “Kind of comes with the territory.” I bit back a smile of my own, and he spared me a glance for the first time in what felt like ages. “Seriously, though. You okay?”
“I’m starting to think we should copyright that question. It seems to be our go-to.”
He chuckled. “You have a point.”
We arrived back at the campsite, and the doctor showed us where to pile the wood. Danny had finally ventured out of the shack, though judging from his hooded eyelids, he was already half-asleep. I felt his pain. Never would I have imagined that walking would tire me out so much. Of course, we had been walking the better part of twelve hours. Danny helped Dr. Fowler get the fire started up while the rest of us plopped down in a circle around them. A tiny flame crackled to life, and it
only took a few seconds for it to grow.
“Finally.” Danny dusted off his hands and sat in the dirt between Ethan and Nate. “I was turning into a damn ice pop.”
“Mmm, ice pops,” Haven said. “You know, I haven’t had one of those since I was like, six. My parents banned all the good stuff once my episodes got out of control. Said there were links between junk food and my condition.”
I glanced over just as she rolled her eyes with a small smile, which quickly faded. The fire cast an orange glow on her usually pale face, and though I’d become used to her stoic expression, pain was now etched in her features as she stared at the flames.
After clearing my throat, I ventured to ask, “Episodes?”
“Bipolar,” she said in little more than a whisper, not meeting my eyes. “My moods used to shift faster than you can blink, but they’ve been on the low side for the past few years. You know parents, though—always looking for a magic cure or explanation. First, it was the sugar and dyes in our food. Then, it was the chemicals in the cleaning stuff Mom used.” She scoffed. “Ten years later, they still didn’t seem to understand that maybe, just maybe, it was my brain that was screwed up. The only reason they threw me in Sunrise was because the ER doctor told them I needed professional help.”
“ER doctor?”
She held up an arm and tugged on her sleeve, and I made out the still-fresh scars before she shoved the sleeve back down. She blinked rapidly, as if trying to fight tears, while focusing back on the fire.
Silence fell over the group, and though Ethan scooted closer and wrapped an arm around my waist, I couldn’t stop staring at the girl who was now even more identical to my sister. The night that everything changed flashed through my head, when I woke up to Mom’s screaming after finding Bethany in our bathroom at midnight. A weird sob-like gurgle rose in my throat, and I clapped a hand over my mouth to conceal the noise. I couldn’t cry here. Not right now.
“You okay?” Ethan whispered.
I sniffled and nodded, leaning my head against his shoulder. The fire’s flames danced in front of us, sharp reds and oranges against the night. “My sister has scars just like that.” I inhaled deeply. “Had. She had scars like that.”
He remained silent, but tightened his hold on me. “Mom found her in a pool of blood with Dad’s razor beside her,” I continued. “The night we rushed her to the hospital is the same night my visions became worse. I freaked out right there in the waiting room. She was just so… so young, Ethan, and I snapped. I had to be admitted that night, too.”
I squeezed my eyes closed. No crying. This wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about my issues, or about my family’s. There were people in the circle who’d had just as hard a life as me, if not worse. And even though my heart ached, everyone else had scarred hearts, too. Instinctively, my fingers traced the empty spot on my wrist. Ethan’s hand closed over my fingers, stroking my wrist with his thumb. When my eyes popped open, he raised a questioning brow.
“Mom gave me a bracelet the next morning,” I whispered. “She gave one to both of us, as a reminder that no matter how isolated we felt, we were never alone. Not in spirit, anyway. It wasn’t much—just a little black stringy-thing with a cross attached to it. But it meant the world to me because it meant that she finally got it. She finally knew just how alone, how trapped, my sister and I both felt in our heads.”
As he held my gaze, Ethan slid his hand down my wrist until his fingers linked through mine. If I thought my heart raced while running from a tornado, it was nothing compared to now. Forget the campfire, just his touch set every inch of my skin ablaze. There was so much concern in his eyes, but there was something else—something I couldn’t quite place.
“Where is it now?”
“Hmm?” I asked, blinking rapidly.
The corner of his lips turned up into a sad smile. “The bracelet.”
“Couldn’t bring it,” I said. “Center rules, ya know?”
He was so close—so close—that I could feel his breath against my lips. Never had I screamed at someone to kiss me, but I was getting to the point of making an exception. That’s when his face faded away, taking with it the crackling of the fire and the voices surrounding us.
The heat radiated from the flames, making me jump back in terror.
“No,” I whispered. Not now. Ethan’s face came back into view for a split second, his eyes wide with confusion. I tried to focus on those eyes. Maybe they could keep me grounded. Maybe they could keep me in reality.
No luck.
The brilliant glow of orange grew by the second until it consumed the entire forest, and all I could do was gaze in shocked wonder. It was a strange sort of beautiful. And then, it came right toward me.
I opened my mouth to scream, but no sound came. I struggled to run, but my feet were planted firmly in the dirt. I’d been here before. I’d survived this before. So why couldn’t I survive it now?
I was brought back to the present by the sound of my own screams.
My breaths came in heavy pants as Ethan’s face slowly came into focus once again. Moments ago, his expression was one of concern. Now, it was one of panic.
“Again?” he asked.
I tried to answer, but no words came; only a sob broke free. I hunched over to hide my face, partly because of shame, partly because I just couldn’t take the stares anymore. I was tired of being the freak. Poor, crazy Kerrigan.
Hands squeezed my shoulders from behind. “Come on, girl,” Danny said from behind me. “Let’s go get you set up with a blanket.”
I attempted to stand, but my knees buckled the second I put weight on them. Danny caught me under my arms, thankfully keeping me on my feet. The visions had never been this strong before. I’d never felt this weak, this helpless, afterward. I had no idea what that was supposed to mean, and frankly, it scared the crap out of me.
Once I was somewhat balanced, Danny guided me away from the group and toward the shack. Unable to stop myself, I cast one final glance over my shoulder, and immediately wished I hadn’t. I’d never forget the look on Ethan’s face: fear. He was scared of me.
I couldn’t blame him. I was scared of me, too.
Chapter 8
Throughout my life, I’d spent days at a time in the hospital. It was just as Haven said—parents are always trying to find some kind of magic cure. I was used to being treated like a freak of nature. But as I lay in the fetal position on the cold, wooden floor of that tiny shack, I felt crazier than I ever had in my life.
“I really am a freak,” I whispered when Danny placed a thin blanket on top of me.
The floor creaked as he walked around my body, which was now trembling from the cold, and he sat on the floor in front of me. He looked fuzzy, as my vision was blurred with both fatigue and unshed tears, but there was no missing the empathy on his face.
“We’re all freaks,” Danny said. He reached out and pulled the blanket further up my shoulder, until the top rested at my neck. It didn’t provide much warmth, but at that point, every little bit helped ease the chill. “Talk to me, girl. What’s goin’ on in that head of yours?”
Nothing, I wanted to say, because that’s how it felt. My brain was exhausted from this crap. Why was I such a mental case? Why couldn’t I just be like other teenagers my age? Why did it have to be me?
I licked my lips, momentarily soothing the chapped skin there. “Sometimes, I feel normal,” I began, blinking away the tears. “At least, what I think normal should be. And then things like this happen. I have another vision, or a nightmare, and I spaz out.”
“Normal is so overrated,” he said. “Nobody should try to be normal—it’s like, this unattainable goal. Just be you. You seem like a cool chick. We all think so.”
My eyes tried to flutter closed, but I fought the urge to fall asleep on the spot. “Yeah?” I asked through a yawn. “You must not have high standards. And Nate doesn’t seem too sold on me.”
“Nate isn’t sold on any of this,” he said with a glan
ce to the doorway. “Nate’s here because he didn’t want to risk dying in that cellar. There’s no loyalty there.”
As much as I hated to admit it, he was probably right. I yawned again and shifted in an attempt to get comfortable, which was a joke. Danny shivered, and I felt like a jerk for hogging the blanket, thin as it was. I propped up on my elbow and looked around the room.
“Why don’t you grab another blanket?” I asked.
He shrugged and nodded toward the opposite side of the room. “Haven needed one more than I did.” I glanced over and, sure enough, Haven was curled into a tiny ball in the far corner. I hadn’t even noticed her slip into the shack. “I gave the other one to Ethan and the doc, since they’re on lookout duty. Nate wanted nothing to do with it. He’d rather freeze to death than admit he needs help.”
“Well . . . here.” I lifted the edge of my blanket. “Lie down. There’s no need for you to freeze, too.”
He eyed me for a minute before taking me up on the offer. Facing me, he rested on his side, only an inch or so away. It felt strange, considering I hardly knew him, but there really was no need to waste the blanket when he was obviously freezing. We weren’t exactly dressed for the elements.
He tossed an arm around my waist, making my cheeks flush. There was nothing romantic there—at all—but I couldn’t help it. He was a guy whose body was right against mine.
“You know,” he said, “Ethan would probably try and slaughter me in my sleep if he saw me right now.”
That woke me up. “Huh?”
Danny snorted. “Kidding. Mostly. You haven’t noticed?”
“Noticed what?”
“Pretty, he’s been staring at you like a lovesick puppy since you rolled into the cellar yesterday. I think it was love at first sight for that kid. That’s why I’m not trying to get in your pants right now. He’s a good buddy—has been since I got to that center.”
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