Chapter 15
“They have a pet donkey,”
“Who?”
“The ones in the pink house. I think it’s the Metcalf’s,”
“I’ve never seen a donkey over there. How do you know?”
“I saw it one day. It kept running into their cactus. They had to bring it in the house. What? You don’t believe me?”
“Sure, dad I believe you,”.
I woke up wheezing. I couldn’t draw in the surrounding oxygen fast enough. It was bad enough having vivid dreams but when the conversations with my dad hung in the dark, in the place in between sleep and awake, it felt like the world was crashing in on me. It was a sort of torture that I didn’t deserve. The dreams had gone away for a short time, but they always returned. It seemed whenever I was the least sure about life was exactly the moment my brain would dredge up the moments that were purposely pushed down deep to survive the day.
**
Driving at night in Manere meant no streetlights and the only thing you could see was either illuminated by the moon and stars or the restricting headlights. I drove down the familiar path of an empty desert. I didn’t have to worry as much about where the soft sand and dips were since the route had become routine. I wasn’t eager to go deep into the desert for another night at the dry lakebed, but I had promised at least a dozen peers and friends that I would do it at least one more time before leaving in the fall.
I was already getting grief from those same people spreading ideas about me claiming I was better than them because I was leaving Manere. I don’t remember speaking or acting in a way that would make them believe that, but I knew it was the widespread belief. Once I found a few cars lined up, and a feebly constructed fire surrounded by a crowd, it was about time to get out and start socializing even if I wasn’t ready for it. There were few things that I could count on in my life but one of them was that I would instantly regret being there. There were far too many things going on in my head which was precisely why I needed the dry lakebed, I needed to clear my mind completely. I parked, took in a deep breath and exited my car which emitted a creek from the heavy door. Lucy was the first to see me. She barreled toward me as she always did when she had a few drinks in her. “My very best friend is here. Thank the heavens above” she looked up to the sky, put her arms around me and gave me a sloppy kiss that landed halfway on my lips and my cheek. My face had successfully broken her fall.
“How is my gorgeous, sexy bestest friend?” she slurred.
“I’m here.”
“Yep. You are. Now we must get you a drink to make your day so much better”. Shannen walked toward us and handed me a red cup full of a mystery mix that she would no doubt make me drunk.
“Here, have a drink. You need to catch up. Not to Lucy though. That girl is gone.” Shannen said sounding perfectly sober with only an occasional stilted word that would give her away if she kept talking. Lucy was fixed on something I couldn’t see and began to wander off.
“Where’s Ellie?” I asked.
“That bitch is at home being a bitch,” Shannen said.
“Uh oh. What’s going on with you two?” I asked.
“Nothing. I don’t want to get into it. What have you been doing? We haven’t seen you that much since school let out,”
“I’ve just been busy. Working, summer school,”
“Oh right. You’re such a freak that you’re taking summer school classes. Like you didn’t get enough school for the last, what? twelve years or something?”
“Thirteen, with kindergarten, but who’s counting?”
“There you go. That’s a fuck ton of school. You’re at Hoagie’s, right? I was going to stop by and get their cheesy torpedo thing,”
“I actually just got fired from there. I need to get something else quick if I want to work before school starts,”
“Dude, what happened?” she asked while looking around for someone else to talk to.
“Long story,” I said.
“Tell me later. I got to go mess with some people” she said as she gulped down her drink and walked away with the slightest stumble.
I walked deeper into the crowd. Faces lit only by the harsh light of the campfire and a few streaming headlights from cars turned accessories for light and music. Would those cars start-up in the morning or would the battery be drained? It wouldn’t matter. It was only a temporary setback and worth it for those who took the chance. There were so many people who I recognized but not enough I considered my friends. I saw Maxine Leisler and tapped her on her shoulder. She swung around quickly as if trying to catch the person touching her before they ran away.
“Oh, hey Angela. What do you want?” she asked.
She always talked to people like she wanted to be polite, but her rude nature would needle its way through before she could.
“Have you seen Lucy? I just saw her, but she wandered off. She’s pretty drunk,”
“Sounds like she’s having a good time. How come you’re not having a good time?” she asked.
“I am” I put my head down for a moment cursing myself for revealing such an evident sign of lying.
“Well, you’re not drunk. That’s part of the problem and don’t tell me you aren’t going to drink,”
I lifted my red cup to show her my intentions and took a sip. I didn’t have a drink of alcohol until I was seventeen which was almost considered a late bloomer in Manere. There weren’t many things to do in Manere and if you were a social teenager, drinking was on the list of the less hazardous offenses. I didn’t like the idea of losing control, in fact, the thought of losing control gave me enough to set off a panic attack resulting in a complete loss of power, anyway. After a year of getting drunk with my friends a few times, I realized it was only greasing the wheel of everyone’s aggression. After the argument with Milo in front of half our graduating class and the multiple tiffs that would result in tears between Ellie and Shannen, or Lucy and Derek, or Derek and Shannen, or Derek and Ellie, it was clear that one of us needed to stay sober. I also knew that if I was going to stay sober, I was going to have to do it covertly.
“Lucy’s over there” Maxine pointed across the fire. Lucy had her arms around Michael Cantwell and was giving him similarly sloppy kisses, she already covered my face in. I thought it was best to remind her that Michael was a complete waste of space on this earth and that she was the one who noted that fact first, and often. “Lucy, you want to go for a walk?” I asked with only a glossy-eyed response.
“I’m just feeling kind of dizzy from the alcohol. Will you walk with me? I don’t want to get lost in the desert and die like the Buffer,”
“Okay,” she smiled and pushed away Michael.
I knew I could get Lucy away from Michael if I brought up The Buffer. The Buffer was a girl we knew in school who graduated a year before us. She was always desperate for friends and would show up anywhere she thought there would be a chance for this to make some. The problem with her was she never had a rational understanding of how people interacted. If a guy and a girl were sitting on a couch together having a cozy conversation, The Buffer would squeeze between the two because, for some reason, that seemed like the best spot in the house. She did this when she thought the two were not getting along too which was even more maddening because no one wants a girl who had nothing to do with the situation to demand her place in the conversation.
The Buffer was perpetually on the lookout for love. Her portly frame wasn’t even the worst thing about her, but she complained it was the only reason boys didn’t like her. Her desperation was a far bigger turn off than her jiggly thighs and round tummy. One night a bunch of us decided to camp out at the dry lakebed with actual tents with the intention of spending the night rather than falling asleep in cars, on top of cars and the bed of trucks. The Buffer made her way inside the tent of the popular people. It was Preston Smith, Mark Barringer and Farrah Newman already hanging out cozily in a two-person tent when the overweight Buffer made her way in too. Minut
es later, she shrieked and sobbed as she ran out of the tent. The other three came out of the tent with looks of irritation and bewilderment.
“What the fuck? What was that thing doing on me?” the less than gentle Mark asked.
“Where did she go? What just happened?” Preston asked.
“That crazy bitch just ran out into the desert. Maybe a rattlesnake will find her dumb ass and be done with it already,” Farrah said.
When relaying the story, the three claimed The Buffer walked into the tent asking if she could hang out. When the three of them pointed out that it was already too tight of a fit and that she should probably go find somewhere else to crash, she just sat on top of Preston and said that she liked it with them. Preston let out a sound of pain to which Mark pointed out that was the sound people made when cows stepped on them. Farrah let out a cackle or at least that’s what those who were close to the tent said. Farrah also told her that she needed to get out because there was only enough oxygen in the tent for three people. “I’ll try not to breathe too much,” The Buffer said. To which Farrah responded, “like you don’t eat that much?” There were a few more insults about her weight that varied in creativity, but nothing seemed to get her to move out of the tent.
“I’m going to get some air,” Preston told the other three.
When he got up to leave, The Buffer pressed her weight into him, chest first and tried to kiss him. He squirmed, so she put her hand on his stomach and tried to force her hand down his pants. Preston gasped in fear and the other two pulled her off. “You are disgusting,” the usually low-key Preston said. Preston had refrained from hurling insults at The Buffer no matter how much his friends did or how much he probably wanted to, but she had pushed him too far. “What are you doing? Are you trying to touch me? Leave me alone. Don’t touch me,” The Buffer cried.
She forced her way out of the tent with a grunt and made her way into the desert. The people surrounding the tent didn’t think much of her dramatic exit but the stunned three who privy to the up-close encounter with The Buffer were angry and dumbfounded by the entire experience. Jason Baxter, Manere High’s resident asshole got in his lifted truck. “Let’s go pig hunting,” he put on his high beams and a few people jumped in the truck too.
As the truck tore into the desert with sand springing from its wheels, spectators continued making jokes at The Buffer’s expense. It was best that she wasn’t within earshot, some comments were especially cruel. Jason’s truck swerved and drifted in the desert. We couldn’t tell if he was doing donuts or if he had located The Buffer and was circling her. When he returned, he told the crowd that the mission failed. They had no idea where she was. “Maybe we should all go look for her. She couldn’t have gotten that far” someone had said. “There’s no way that fatty would have gotten too far. She’s too lazy to make to the road” someone else said. The night continued and while some assumed that she would come back once she got tired of hiding, or hungry or thirsty, most forgot about her entirely.
The next morning Lucy drove me home. When I looked out the window, I saw The Buffer walking on the shoulder of the highway not too far from where the dirt path to the dry lakebed met the road. “See, she’s fine. Took her long enough. She’s so slow and pathetic” Lucy said. It was a heartless thing to say, but I wasn’t any better. I didn’t suggest we give her a ride home. I just watched as her dehydrated, blistered face became a blur in the rearview mirror.
**
“What did you want to talk about?” Lucy asked as we made our way away from the crowd. “Nothing really. I just miss you. It feels like we haven’t had that much time together since school ended,”
“I know. Shannen was saying the same thing about you.”
“She said the same thing to me. I don’t know why. I guess there’s just a lot to get done this summer,” I said.
“You and Ellie are practically already gone. I get it. It’s exciting for you. I don’t really have anything going on. Neither does Shannen,”
“Shannen’s going to college too. Shouldn’t she be doing things to get ready?”
“If she actually goes,” Lucy winked
“What does that mean? She got in, she did all the paperwork. Isn’t it definite?” I asked.
“Don’t tell her I told you this, but I think she’s thinking about ditching the whole idea all together now.”
“The whole thing about college? Is she going to move out of Manere and get a job or something?”
“No. I think she’s just going to stay here. Maybe get a job here. Probably not even go to MMC. You know Shannen’s not into school. She only went along with the college thing because Ellie’s into it.”
“Ellie’s going though, right?”
“Of course, but she doesn’t want to room with Shannen and she’s planning to join all these clubs and take these classes that are totally not Shannen’s thing. Shannen thinks Ellie’s doing all this to cut Shannen out of her life.”
“I just don’t get this.” I took a few too many sips from the red cup and though I planned to not even get a buzz, I began to loosen my lips and speak candidly “Why is it so hard to just go? If you have the chance to move away from this hell, why would you choose to stay? Only an idiot would decide that this is it. This is the best they can do,” I said forgetting who I was speaking to. “Sorry, we pathetic Manere people aren’t living up to your potential Angela,”
“I didn’t mean you,”
“You did. I’m in the exact situation as Shannen and every other idiot that doesn’t leave this town. I know it must be so hard to be surrounded by a bunch of dumb people who are perfectly happy living their lives in the only town they’ve ever known.”
“But you could have so much more,”
“Just because you feel like you are missing something in your life doesn’t mean that’s what everyone feels like. Look around Angela, you’re the only one here who isn’t having any fun. You are always the only one in the room who is looking into the future instead of living in the present. It’s like you’re convinced that all you need to do is to move away and suddenly you’ll be happy. I have a secret for you. It’s not going to make you happy. You’ll still be miserable; you’ll just be miserable in a place with more trees and frostbite.”
“At least I’m trying. How am I supposed to know whether any of that is true? Lucy, you talk a big game but you never do anything. You used to say you wanted out of this place before I did. You used to rag on it more than me. Suddenly when it’s time to do something about it, when we finally have the chance, you wimp out and run the other way. Back to Burger Barn and a life of mediocrity”
“We were kids when I complained. We were anti-everything, that’s what you do when you’re in junior high, you shit on everything”
“Maybe. But at least you made sense. Sure, it was juvenile to think everything was lame or, whatever the current lingo was, to think we were better than everything. One thing was always true; Manere is a place you aspire to get out of, not a place that you make a life for yourself because it’s somewhere that keeps you from growing”
“I’m scared” Lucy shouted.
“There’s nothing to be scared of”
“There is. We don’t know what life is like outside of Manere. Me, Shannen, all those drunk morons over there” she points, and I see a few guys peeing into the fire, while some girl is vomiting on the ground from the bed of a truck.
“We are scared shitless that we aren’t going to make it out there. We won’t be smart enough. We’ll look like those mountain mutants and they’ll just laugh at us. And we can’t come back. We won’t be able to cut it outside of Manere and if we don’t have Manere to go back to, what are we? What happens next?”
She was right. There were too many risks for most of them. For some, they had families, friends, and even jobs ready to take on immediately. They were prepared to move on to the next stage in their lives. It would no longer be about what they plan to do once they could leave Manere. They would work,
get married, have children, go to the weekend barbecues with friends they’ve known since they were five. It was fine. It wasn’t perfect, but it was fine. For them. “Angie, let me ask you this: How do you know that anywhere outside of Manere is any better? You don’t know. You have no idea that any place you go will be better.” I lowered my head and fought back tears, “It has to be. Anything must be better than this”
Lucy placed her hand on my shoulder for a squeeze. She took a sip of her drink and surveyed the crowd over my shoulder. She was tired of being sympathetic. She had been there for me in times of emotional turmoil and it was beginning to look like I was just bellyaching.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for Angie. I’m not sure what it is, and I’m not sure if you know what it is, but maybe you will find it far away from here.” Lucy made her way around me and returned to the party. There was no hug, no promise we would hang out before I left, just an empty feeling that had no guarantee of being filled by anyone or anything.
I gulped down the last of my drink. After the cup was empty, I instantly regretted it. I needed to leave. I needed to be far away from the people that were only temporarily dealing with me. These people were not my friends, they were just the people I happened to be stuck with, and they were stuck with me. Being born the same year in a town with a small population did not guarantee a friendship or a bond, it was a fluke.
I walked back to where the crowd remained and filled my cup again. After each gulp, I went back and forth over whether I wanted to leave or just keep drinking. I spotted in the distance, Milo sitting on the hood of his car and decided it was time to stop worrying about what he thought about me. We had spoken a few times without screaming at each other but they're still something strained between us, and I was done with it.
“Look who came,” I said
“Great. Angie, please don’t tell me this is just going to be a repeat of the last time I came here” Milo said.
All That Remains (Manere Book 1) Page 10