The Weight of Destiny (Misfits #1)

by Nyrae Dawn

  It wasn’t like that with Virginia.

  I can’t figure out why that matters.

  The quiet continues on the drive to my house. The word sorry teases my tongue but I can’t make it come out. I don’t really do that—apologize. Not typically. And I also don’t know if I have something to apologize for.

  She pulls up in front of my shitty house and I sit there for a minute. This is ridiculous. I’m being lame. If I want to say something, all I need to do is open my mouth. I’ve never been like this, and it’s all kinds of screwed up. “I never got that before. The math.”

  Totally not what I expected to say.

  “Yeah?” she asks, excitement making her voice go up a notch, and suddenly I’m glad those were the words I spoke.

  “I never cared before. I don’t know if I do now, but…thanks. For not talking to me like I’m stupid, or pushing me into it. I guess thanks for not assuming homework’s not something I would do, either.”

  Her lips spread into a huge smile. It’s like she’s letting me in for the first time. She’s laughed and smiled before, but not at me. Not like this.

  “But I wouldn’t… Have done it. You should probably know that. I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn’t have done my work today if I hadn’t been with you.” She should know who she’s with. There isn’t anything about me that is like her. I don’t want to lie to her about that. Then why haven’t you told her everything? That my eyes cased her house when I walked in, thinking of all the money in it.

  “I guess it’s good that you were with me then. And maybe…” She tilts her head down. My hand suddenly has a mind of its own and slides under her chin, lifting slowly until she’s looking me in the eyes again.

  Just as I’m about to ask her, maybe what, she takes a deep breath and speaks. “Maybe you’ll have to be with me more often so we can make sure you keep it up.”

  That’s my girl. There’s fear in her eyes, fear of what she said and probably of saying it, but she did it anyway. It doesn’t surprise me. I see how strong she is. Earlier, I thought she was the kind of girl Dad would take advantage of, but I was wrong. She would never allow something like that to happen.

  “It’s my eyes, isn’t it? The colors get girls every time. Either that, or the piercings.”

  Virginia shakes her head, but I can tell she wants to grin at what I said. We both need to steer clear of the topic of fear, though. Even though I’ve never really been scared of anything in my life, I bet my eyes reflect hers. I’ve never wanted to be with someone the way I find myself wanting to be with her, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is scary as fuck.

  “See ya later, boss lady.” I let my hand run down the side of her face, and then I get out. When I make it to my front door, I turn toward her car. It’s not until then that she drives away.

  It’s not until then that I realize something else, too.

  I feel good.

  And not the way I typically do. Not because I’m high or spent the day having fun with my friends. I can’t explain it. I just feel good, in the same way I would when Dad looked at me with pride in his eyes, or when I was like eleven and Luke hung out with me all day. He took me to the park and we got ice cream bars. Neither of us had money, and I told him I’d steal them, but he told me he didn’t want that for me. It made me feel like he thought I might be good at something besides stealing, and it made me feel awesome all day.

  We made a fort in his room that night, which he was totally too old for. We stayed up late watching movies. It was like three a.m. when he pulled this book out from under the bed. It was a book about all the states and what each of them was known for. He told me all the places he wanted to go. That was the first time I realized Luke wanted to leave me. He never once mentioned me going with him. That’s when I decided I couldn’t afford to need him. He saw me just like he did Dad.

  The door sticks a little when I push it open. My forehead wrinkles when I see Mr. Perfect in the kitchen. He was supposed to be at work tonight.

  “I made homemade pizza bread. Remember when we used to do that? We’d eat them every night for like a week straight.” Luke pops one of his knuckles.

  “Huh?” We don’t sit down to dinner together. We don’t make pizza bread together anymore.

  “Funny. It’s dinner. Let’s eat.” He nods toward the table, and then goes to the fridge. “Are you home for the night?”

  “Yeah.” I head for the kitchen.

  “Want a beer?”

  “Excuse me, what? Didn’t you just give me shit the other day for drinking?”

  Luke sighs. He’s standing by the open fridge. It’s old and yellow and makes too loud a noise. “I’m trying here, Ry. Do you want a drink or not?”

  I glance at the door, half expecting a TV show to bust in and say this is all a big joke or something. When nothing happens, I nod. “Yeah. Cool. Thanks. I’ll grab the plates.”

  Luke takes two beers out of the fridge while I take two plates from the cabinet. I toss a couple pizza breads on each of them and set them on the table. He sits first, then eyes me and the chair, before I join him.

  “You need a new hoodie,” he says before taking a bite. I finish chewing what’s in my mouth before replying.

  “Yeah.”

  “We’ll get you another one.”

  Okay, what’s going on here? He’s supposed to be telling me how irresponsible I am and that he doesn’t have the money to buy stuff like that. “You don’t have to. Tanner’s closet is as big as my bedroom. He said he’ll give me one.”

  “That’s nice of him. What are they up to? Your friends? They haven’t been around much lately.” I don’t know why, but I get this light, almost floaty feeling in my chest as he speaks to me like this, all normal and shit. Like brothers.

  “Same, I guess. Tan and Cody are attached at the lips like always. Shane’s worried about his mom. He thinks she’s using again.”

  Luke curses. “Tell him to come crash on the couch. There’s always room for him.”

  The sensation in my chest expands at that. Luke doesn’t think much of my friends, but he’s cool to them, and that means a lot to me.

  “What about you and Drea?”

  I roll my eyes. “There is no me and Drea.” He’s always thought that, no matter how many times I’ve said we’re only friends. Friends who mess around sometimes, but friends all the same. “She’s doing okay, though. She hasn’t really said much.”

  Luke takes a bite of his pizza, chews and swallows, and then takes another one. We don’t talk as we both eat, and I have to admit, it’s pretty cool. Just chilling with him.

  When his food is gone, he leans back in his chair and says, “I got a call from your principal today. He said you didn’t do your homework and you skipped your last couple classes. You can’t do that anymore, Ry. You need to get serious.”

  The lightness is gone, replaced by a heavy weight in my chest. It won’t matter if I tell him I did my work. Hell, I could even show him, but I won’t. Can’t he trust me? Ask for my side before automatically giving me shit?

  That’s not what has me feeling like I want to burst out of my own skin, though. He didn’t want to hang out with me tonight. This dinner was a screwed up ploy before he opened his mouth to tell me how much of a disappointment I am. Just like that day when I was eleven, he made me think one thing just so he could drop a bomb on me. The worst part is, he took away the satisfaction I felt from my afternoon with Virginia.

  “Why does it matter? We both know I’m destined to be just like Dad anyway.”

  Luke groans. Without another word, I get up and go to my room.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  ~Virginia~

  I’ve talked to Ryder every day since we did homework at my house. It’s only been a few days, but still. I’m not sure what it means, and, honestly, it’s easier not thinking about it. That’s probably not healthy, but I decide not to think about that, either.

  It’s Friday, my sleepover with Hailey and Jamie. We used to do this
way more often than we do now. It’s strange how sometimes things like that stop or slow down and you don’t really have a reason why. They’re still my best friends, and I know I’m still theirs, but I haven’t been showing it the way I should. Tonight is about changing that. Even though they don’t know it, they’ve kept me sane when I’ve felt like falling apart.

  “Do you realize we’ve eaten pizza, popcorn and ice cream all in one night? I feel like I’m going to explode.” Hailey puts a pale hand on her stomach, her blonde hair fanning out on my bed.

  My phone buzzes. When I glance over, I see it says Mom again and I ignore it.

  “I was about to ask Lulu if she had any chips.” Jamie grins, and I know she’s probably telling the truth. She’s always been able to eat what she wants and not gain weight. She’s also the most active of us all. She’s played sports all her life, and has a toned body to show for it.

  “I hate you.” Hailey grabs a pillow and hits her with it, making us all laugh.

  I watch them for a second. Both of my friends are gorgeous—Jamie the athlete, with her perfect dark skin and gorgeous hair, and Hailey, the angel.

  Out of nowhere, I wonder what Ryder would think of them. If he would like Hailey’s platinum hair or Jamie’s exotic look. It’s never been something I’ve worried about before, but I suddenly feel very plain.

  Ugh. Stop it, Lu. You don’t care about things like that.

  “Did you turn in the proposal I gave you to the principal about installing new showerheads in the locker rooms? Fixing them over and over doesn’t seem to work.”

  “Of course.” Jamie wrinkles her nose as if to say, duh, and I realize she’s right. Neither of them has ever dropped the ball on something so important. I don’t know why I even asked.

  “That’s enough about that.” Hailey moves into a sitting position so the three of us are facing each other. “No talking about school tonight—at least not traditional school things. This is our senior year. We should be having more fun than we are. It’s not like the three of us can’t keep up our school activities and have more of a social life.”

  They look at me, and I know that the three of us really means me.

  Again, Ryder climbs into my thoughts. Go away, go away, go away.

  “Yeah, for once let’s pretend to be normal seventeen-year-old girls.” Jamie winks.

  The word normal echoes, my inner voice repeating it over and over as if I’m standing in the middle of nowhere. “Caring about showers is normal.”

  “You know what she means, Lu.” Hailey sets her hand on my leg. “So…Mike? Have you put any more thought into him? Homecoming is next month…Everyone knows the two of you will probably win king and queen anyway…”

  “Juan totally asked her!” Jamie blurts out, and Hailey slaps her arm. “I can’t help it! It just happened today.”

  Juan is Mike’s best friend. I see where she’s going with this now, and an uncomfortable twist turns my stomach. We go to all the dances because we help plan most of them. We’ve always had a rule for dances—either we all go with a date, or we all go alone. “What did you say?”

  “I told him I’d get back to him.” She glances down. Hailey wants to go with him. That much is obvious.

  “What about you?” I take in Jamie next, but she’s already shaking her head.

  “No one has asked yet.”

  “Rumor has it that Danny is asking her, though. It’s still early. I’m surprised Juan already asked me.”

  And, of course, Danny is close with Juan and Mike as well. I’m seeing a pattern here. “You guys should totally go.” I mean that. It is our senior year, and I don’t want them to miss out.

  “It’s not like Mike isn’t going to ask you. We’ll all go together.”

  The twist is back, tying my belly into knots. Ryder isn’t the kind of boy to go to a dance with me. I don’t even know if I want him to, or if I should want him to.

  I have a feeling kissing like we have isn’t a huge deal to him. I know he’s done more. He doesn’t have to tell me that for me to know it.

  In a month’s time, I’m sure he’ll be done with me—or I’ll be done with him. It’s not like either of us is looking for that high school sweetheart you see in all the books and movies.

  But the thought of going with Mike feels wrong.

  I shake my head. “He hasn’t asked. He might not.”

  “He will.” Hailey looks confused, as if this is a no-brainer.

  “You don’t want to go with him?” Jamie asks.

  I have two choices here. I can lie to them or tell them the truth. As dishonest as I’ve been lately, I’m not really a liar. I despise lying. There’s never been a time that I lied to my best friends. Not telling them about Mom isn’t a lie, really. It’s just keeping some things for myself.

  My shoulders lift and fall in a shrug. “There’s sort of this guy…”

  “Oh my God!” Jamie shouts.

  “It’s not serious!” I grab both their wrists so they don’t start dancing around and celebrating something that isn’t real. “He goes to a different school. We just sort of met, and like I said, it’s not a big deal. You guys know I’ve always said I refuse to get serious about anyone until after college. It feels weird to think about someone else, though, ya know? Honestly, there’s a possibility we won’t even be talking by the time Homecoming comes around.”

  An unpleasant shiver shakes my insides.

  “What does he look like?”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Where did you meet?” They start rapid-firing questions at me in a pace that takes my breath away, let alone allows me to answer them. “Umm…” This should not feel as totally weird as it does. We’ve never really done this before, though. Yeah, we’ve dated, but none of us have ever really been crazy about boys. “One of his eyes is blue and the other is part blue and part brown. And Ryder.”

  “Ride her?” Jamie giggles. “What does that mean? I mean, besides the obvious.”

  “What!” This time it’s my turn to hit her with the pillow. “Not ride her. His name. It’s Ryder.”

  “What school does he go to? What about college? I bet he’s going to Stanford next year, too, and you, the one of us who is the most anti-boy, will fall in love and go off to college with your boyfriend at the end of the year.” Hailey looks like she’s floating and I wonder why I didn’t realize there’s a closet romantic in her.

  Once the thought settles in, something else hits me. Does Ryder want to go to college? Does he know where he’s going? What does he want to do with his life? I don’t really know much about him at all…so why does it feel like I do? Maybe more importantly, why am I not losing it over that?

  “That isn’t even close to a possibility.” I shrug. “And I wouldn’t want it to be, either.” I don’t even know if Ryder wants to go to college. He’s not the type of boy who would be what Hailey just described, though, and I’m not that girl, either. “Let’s go get some chips and dip now.”

  Jamie and Hailey share a look I don’t understand. Thankfully, they drop the subject. We go downstairs and pig out again. Dad teases us, and Jamie asks him what kind of cases he’s working on.

  Afterward, we head back upstairs, watch a movie and then talk and laugh some more. Every time they toss more Ryder questions at me, I deflect them.

  A couple hours later, my friends are asleep on an air mattress on my floor.

  My eyes haven’t closed except to blink. My stomach is heavy. My whole body is.

  Without letting myself think, I grab my phone and listen to the voicemail from earlier.

  Virginia… It’s Mom. I guess you know that, right? You can’t keep doing this, kiddo. You can’t keep ignoring me, and…and you can’t keep hating me. I know it wasn’t always easy on you. I also know all of that isn’t something I can blame on my Dissociative Identity Disorder. I know I’ve never really been the kind of mom you need, but I do love you. I’ve always loved you.

  “I love you, too,” I whisper
.

  With tears in my eyes, I delete the message.

  There once was a girl named Guilt…

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  ~Ryder~

  “Can you drop me off in Cliffton again?” I ask Shane.

  It’s Saturday afternoon and we were going out to get food. Virginia texted me to see if I want to go over and do homework. Home-fucking-work. On a Saturday. Who does that? And more importantly, why do I want to go?

  “You got gas money, Romeo?” he replies.

  “Funny.”

  “Do you want my car? It’s not like I ever drive it.” Tanner leans forward from the backseat.

  “You’re so screwed up.” I glance back at him. “Who the hell gets a brand new Beamer and doesn’t drive it?” I get it though. His parents want him to be someone he’s not. They want him to be the kind of guy who wants to go to the private schools they like. Taking the car means he’s willing to be that person.

  “Take him to Cliffton. I have cash.” Tanner leans back again.

  “No. You’re not paying for my shit. I have a few bucks. We’re good.” I toss a handful of crumpled-up bills at Shane. Luke doesn’t let me have much money. Not that he has very much. But he’s scared of what I’ll spend it on. I’m surprised he even left me that. Probably a peace offering after the other day. We haven’t talked since.

  Drea’s quiet, playing with the bracelet on her wrist as we drive. I’ve never seen it before, and briefly, I wonder where she got it.

  I give Shane directions to Virginia’s house. Her dad is apparently off meeting with a client. I don’t know what he does, and I’m not sure I want to.

  When we pull up out front, all of my friends are silent.

  “Holy shit. You’re screwing someone who lives in that house?” Shane sounds in awe.

  “I’m not having sex with her.” I reach around Drea and shove him. “And shut up. Don’t bring it up again.”