by Alla Kar
Her shoulders shake gently every time she breathes out and I know she’s trying not to cry. The gentle wave of the river laps at the bank and soaks my already wet feet. I don’t care to move. Emptiness is slowly eating me away. I don’t feel like I’m even alive.
The tangles start to come loose and I slowly run my hands over her drying hair. “Do you want to wear it down?”
She sinks further into the sand but doesn’t answer. The sickly taste in my mouth is only getting worse with every thought. Her entire family is gone. I shut my eyes and a few tears fall down my cheeks. Just a few hours ago I had my best-friend and boyfriend and now they’re gone. The airport lobby seems like lifetimes away already.
All the poor people that didn’t make it. The river washed most of them down with the current. All the memories of my morning replay in my head but I know that won’t make them come back. “Would you like me to braid your hair?” I whisper.
I remember her mother braiding her hair in the terminal. A sad sob breaks from her lips and it settles an ache deep down in my gut. “Yes,” she mumbles.
Slowly I begin a French braid down the middle of her hair. An orange glow cast over the mountain as the sun begins to set. I feel all the safety I felt evaporate. I don’t know much about the mountains, only what I learned in Spanish class but I know it has wildlife. And it’s going to get cold at night.
A loud grunt draws my attention from the setting sun to Beau and Taborie. They’re dragging cane, limbs and leaves into a large shelter they’ve built under the safety of the closest trees. Sweat drips down Beau’s back and soaks his head. I bite my lip but remember that it’s chapped and pull it out.
The shelter is coming along and I pray it withstands any weather. Thunder rumbles up ahead and Taborie turns his head slightly to give Beau a worried look. He isn’t the only one that’s worried.
Beau scratches the back of his neck and sighs. A definite worried sign for Beau but he hides it well. The corners of his lips turn down and he glances back at me. I turn before he catches me staring. I can’t look into those blue eyes right now. I’d probably slump to the ground and start crying—again. I can’t look at him without feeling something I shouldn’t. And that makes me think of Jordan. And Emily. This isn’t how this week was supposed to go.
The sun sets behind the mountains and a dim darkness is starting to take over. The fire we have behind us is enough to keep our camp spot lit. And also enough light to attract animals. I swallow the growing lump at the same time I tie the ponytail holder around Kat’s braid. “I’m finished. Does it feel okay?”
Her small hand reaches up and trails along the braid. When she turns I almost gasp. Tears are streaming down her cheeks and her bottom lip is trembling. I brace my arms around her and she falls into me sobbing. Her small cries tear my heart to shreds over and over. The shaking of her body makes me hold her closer against me. I can’t imagine if I was eight or nine—I wouldn’t make it.
My eyes drift shut for a few minutes while she cries into my chest. The cool wind whips hardly against us and I bring her closer. This has to get better. I’m sure the airline is sending emergency helicopters to us right this minute. Only a day—or two. We can do this.
When I open my eyes I let myself look back at Beau. A dry shirt is hanging in his right hand and he’s staring dead at me. The torment on that hard face it difficult to bear. Beau was just now back to normal from his brother’s death. God—that was the worst funeral I’d ever been to. But now that same torment is back. He’s hurting. I’m hurting. Everyone is hurting.
He swallows and his Adam’s apple bobs in his thick throat. I don’t even try to hide that I’m watching him. He turns away after a few minutes and starts tearing leaves off of a branch and tosses them into our shelter.
“Is anyone else getting hungry?” Taborie asks. I sit up straight and run my fingers over Kat’s hair.
“You think you can eat something? It will make you feel better.”
She nods without looking at me, stands up and walks slowly over toward the boys. Her clothes hang off of her but she’ll be thankful tonight in the shelter. I stand up on my wobbly legs and drag my heavy feet through the wet sand. Most of the food we found is junk food.
It’s lying across a torn pair of jeans that we found in the river. Beau throws a pack of small-sized Oreos from his pocket onto the pile of junk food.
His blue eyes lift to mine and hold. Oreos are my favorite cookie but that’s not what shocks me. It’s that Beau hates them. The only reason he’d have them would be for me. His lower jaw clenches but he claps his hands once and breaks my gaze. “We need to portion our meals because we don’t know how long we’ll be here. Taborie and I are going to try and catch some fish tomorrow but,” a small grin slides up the left side of his mouth, “no promises. I’m not a fisherman.”
Taborie laughs and tosses Kat a pack of Cheez-Its and a few cheese sticks. “Anything else?”
She shakes her head, grabs her food and takes a seat beside the crackling fire. The wind blows my hair off my shoulders and goose bumps climb up my arms. “You cold?” Beau asks from behind me. His breath is warm on the back of my neck and I want to lean into it but I don’t.
I slightly turn my head enough to see exactly how close Beau is standing behind me. “I’m freezing. Do we have any more clothes?”
He nods. “I’ll get you some.”
He disappears before I can respond and I’m left colder than before. I stare at the muddy ground and listen as the night air swooshes through the trees. Taborie clears his throat and I turn toward him. He gives me an easy smile and gestures toward the food in front of us. “Ladies first.”
I give him the best smile I can muster and grab two cheese sticks, and a mini bag of Cheez-Its. The fire helps me warm up when I sit beside Kat. She’s finished eating and staring at the growing blaze of the fire.
I don’t know what to say to her, so I don’t say anything. I’m not sure saying anything would even help her since I can’t even make myself grasp what’s going on.
Beau sets the clothes down beside me and then takes a seat on the opposite side of the fire. I don’t look but I know he’s looking at me. I can see his bright blue eyes shimmering off the blaze of the fire. If I were in a normal state I would admire the way his thick neck muscles slump down to huge shoulders. Or the fact that even after all of this—he still looks amazing.
Beau tears the package of his food with his teeth and all but inhales his food. I nonchalantly dig my finger into the sand below while trying to avoid eye contact with Beau. “Come here.”
I glance up and see Beau staring at Kat and curling his finger in a summoning way. “Hurry before it disappears.” Kat gets up and takes a seat beside Beau. I watch as he points upward at a shooting star. Kat’s eyes grow wide and for a few seconds I see a smile. It’s small but it’s more than I got out of her.
The star disappears behind the mountain quickly. “Shooting stars are symbols of love,” Beau says.
I furrow my brow. I’m almost one hundred percent sure that it’s not true but I listen anyway. Kat’s gaze focuses on Beau. “How so?”
Beau pops a Cheez-It into his mouth and gives Kat an easy smile. “Native Indians claimed shooting stars cross when lovers were together.”
Kat’s brows pull down and she glances across everyone sitting around the fire. Her cheeks burn bright red. “Did you make that up?”
Beau lifts his gaze to me and I see the slight smile in his eyes. “Of course not,” he says.
Kat bites back a yawn and lets her head rest against Beau’s shoulder. Taborie chuckles from beside me, and I give him a quick glance. He has a pocket knife in his hands, cradling it between his fingers like it may mean more to him than we realize
Kat gives into her yawn and Beau wraps his arm around her small shoulder and he tucks her in gently against him. It’s oddly normal for him.
“It looks like someone couldn’t keep her eyes open,” Taborie says.
Beau
gently strokes her hair. “I’m going to put little bit to bed.” His eyes catch mine as he lifts Kat up and into his strong arms but he quickly looks away. I don’t bother watching him walk away. I keep my eyes settled on the fire before me.
“You and Beau know each other?”
I glance up at Taborie and he’s staring at me. For such a hugely muscular guy he looks oddly graceful. One elbow is resting on his left knee and the other is twirling a stick into the sand. I press my chapped lips together. “Yes, he is my—was my—boyfriend’s best friend.”
Taborie’s almond shaped eyes soften and he gives me a gentle smile. “I’m sorry your friends didn’t make it.”
“Did you lose anyone?”
He runs his hand over his face and slowly shakes his head. “No. My wife was supposed to make this trip with me but got sick. I’ve never been more thankful for the flu in my damn life.”
I bet. Before I can go into the what-ifs a blast of cool air blows up my hair and the back of my shirt. “Shit,” I grit through my teeth. “It’s freezing.”
Taborie stands. “We better get into the hut before it gets any colder.”
Grabbing my clothes, I follow behind Taborie until I’m a few feet outside of the shelter and quickly change clothes.
Beau is sitting against the back of the hut with Kat asleep at his side. Kat looks content underneath the blankets. My body itches to crawl underneath and get warmed.
When I take a step I suddenly stop. Beau’s gaze pins me to my spot at the entrance. I’m going to have to sleep beside him. Taborie is already sliding in next to Kat on the left side. I’m not ready for this yet.
A clack of thunder and the gentle start of rainfall hit and I jump. Beau clears his throat. “You’re going to have to lie down, Dove. Or you’re going to get soaked.”
I know I need to slide in next to him. It’s not that I don’t want to—I do. That’s the problem. If the incident before this hadn’t have happened I would be crying myself to sleep in Beau’s arms right now. But it did happen. I got carried away with my boyfriend’s best friend and now I have to sleep with him.
“Don’t,” Beau’s harsh whisper makes my toes curl. I watch his teeth grind together. It’s the same pissed off look I got at lunch. The same pissed off look from the terminal. “Sit down.” It isn’t a question.
As badly as I want to say something—anything—I don’t. I slide in beside him as droplets of rain make it through our shelter. I listen to the thunder roll and see the lighting strike over the hills in front of us.
I listen to the noises around us until I hear the soft sound of Taborie snoring across the shelter. How can he possibly fall asleep this quickly? My toes are freezing and my pathetic attempt to bring them closer to me isn’t working. The scratchy blanket that’s covering us is soaking with rain and heavy against my body but I guess it’s better than nothing. “Put your toes between my legs.”
“What?” I harshly whisper.
Beau sighs. I feel him sit up and shiver as the cool wind whips at his back. The covers pull from my legs and before I can cry out at the freezing wind, he pulls me closer and manually places my toes between his legs and then closes them. “If your feet get cold it can make you feel cooler than you actually are,” his whisper is hot against the back of my neck. “Better?”
God—is it. The warmth of his legs is slowly crawling up my legs. “Thank you.”
He doesn’t answer. I’m too aware of his body touching mine in random places. Each blazing with heat. He’s my own personal heater. “Do you think they’re on their way yet?”
The thick silence feels like hours but in reality it’s only minutes before he answers. “Most likely.”
I gnaw at my lip. I can’t imagine how my parents must feel right now. Jordan’s parents. Emily’s. They might think we’re all dead. Or what if they think we’re all alive? The Cheez-Its from earlier try and force their way up but I harshly swallow them down.
And there is no way to warn them about their kids. No way to let them know that they won’t be here when help arrives. Their bodies are somewhere Beau left them. Hopefully the rain doesn’t make them worse. Hot tears break my face and drown my cheeks in sorrow.
“Shh,” Beau whispers from behind me. His gentle hand leaves a soothing touch behind as he gently strokes my arm. “We’re safe. We’re going to get home, Dove. I promise.”
My guard crumbles and I have no way of making myself not believe him. We have to be okay. We can’t all die. Not today. Not now. Without moving my upper arm I place the ear buds of Emily’s IPod into my ear and click play. Happy begins to play loudly in my ears. And I’m so happy to hear her favorite song that I block out the tears streaming down my face.
The hammering of the rain against the top of the shelter must have weakened to a sprinkle because only a few drops of rain are dripping now. A dreamy gaze covers my eyes and I slowly drift off into a much needed sleep.
***
The IPod I’m holding is dangling from my grasp by the headphone cords. It slowly drops to the plane floor and I snap awake.
My vision is blurry and a heavy pain pounds against the inside of my skull. I close my eyes and try to focus on what’s happening around me. Something is wrong. Something doesn’t feel right. Once the pounding in my skull is bearable, I glance up and see that I’m all alone.
It isn’t until I try to stand up that I realize the plane is nose-diving. I fly forward, luggage and items flying toward me before my back hits the opposite wall with a crack. Stars dance at the outskirts of my vision as I hit the floor and curl into a ball. The impact shoots pain through my lower back but I’m so numb I can hardly tell.
The wind drowns out the sound of the failing engine and seems to suck any chance of screaming right from my throat. The back of the plane seems like three miles away as I stare down at the empty seats facing me.
What is happening? Where is everyone?
Then I see her—then him—standing at the opposite end of the plane. Both are pale as ghosts. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. “Annabelle?” Emily says first. She takes a step at the same time the plane crumbles in the middle.
She screams and reaches for me but Jordan holds her back. “She can’t help us. She won’t,” he whispers. Even though his mouth is barely moving, I feel the sting of his words like they’re being screamed at my face.
“She’s a liar. She can’t even tell me that she loves me.” His big brown eyes are full of hate. The exact face I dreaded to see. The face I never wanted to see. The face I’ll never see again. “Just let go, Emily. She won’t help us now.”
“No!” My voice breaks from my throat and it feels like sandpaper against my chest. “Wait! I promise I’ll help! Hold on!”
But he’s shaking his head. With shaking feet, I use the plane to help me stand up while we continue to nosedive toward the earth. Emily’s outstretched hand is jerked backwards as the plane cracks down the center again.
Jordan grabs the nearest wall and holds Emily to him for safety. His eyes are watching me as I make my way down the aisle, hanging on to the seats as I pathetically try to make it toward them.
But the backend detaches before I can get halfway. Emily’s scream echoes through me and rips my already bleeding heart in two. They cling to one another as the backend breaks off and they’re sucked out of the plane.
“No!”
***
The night air is crisp and cool when I suck in a lung full to scream. The blackness around me only makes my body tremble more. It’s the dead of night.
“What the—,” Taborie shouts, but I can’t see to look at him. There is only blackness everywhere.
I don’t hear Beau say anything to Taborie but I do hear Taborie roll over and go back to sleep. Then I feel four gentle fingers rub up my back and gently guide me back down to the ground.
“You’re okay. It was a nightmare, Dove,” Beau’s hoarse voice whispers. It’s the only sound in the darkness besides the waves of the river.
But it soothes me more than anything I’ve ever heard.
Even though I’ve yearned for him for two entire weeks, I let myself relax as he rubs his fingers up and down my forearm. He doesn’t ask me to tell him about it and I’m glad. How would I even begin to tell him the guilt I feel inside?
But I don’t need to because he’s feeling it too. He doesn’t have to say it. I see it. That happy-go-lucky smile he normally wears hasn’t been there in weeks. Not since the incident.
His harsh breathing beside me hasn’t slowed so I know he’s awake. The debate going on in my head right now makes my nightmare look like child’s play. There are so many things I want to say to him. I need to talk about it. To talk about him, me, us. I need to tell him that I can’t keep feeling this guilt because it’s slowly choking me to death.
But when the thunder bangs against the sky in the distance, I bite my lip and close my eyes. Not tonight. Tonight I’ll fall asleep with his arm wrapped around me. Suddenly the feeling of overwhelming discomfort lifts and I let myself enjoy being held.
Because I don’t know when I’ll be held again. Jordan’s gone. Emily’s gone. And we survived. I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to live with myself. I never got to tell him the truth he deserved. And I never got to say I love you back to Emily.
So many things were left unsaid. How could this have happened? Fifty- two million to one. And we’re the ones that survived the crash.
“Rest, Bella,” Beau whispers lightly against my ear. “Don’t think. Just close your eyes and rest.”
I do as he says because he’s hurting just like I am. One night in the warmth of Beau’s arms is normal. We’re both grieving and in need of each other. But once this is over—it’ll stop. It has to stop.
Chapter Four
Beau
A distant scream wakes me. My normally heavy morning eyes snap wide and I sit up in our makeshift shelter. Kat stirs next to me, her gentle whine getting louder as she stretches. Taborie groans and mumbles something incoherently before pushing himself upward.