by Alla Kar
“It’s just going to be Cody and you, right?” I ask, searching my vanity drawer for my new mascara.
Ashley huffs and I hear her trying to get her hairspray bottle open. “Yes, Bella. Beau won’t be there, Geesh.”
His name makes my sex clench, and my fingers tighten around my vanity mirror. I ignore Ashley’s narrowed gaze in my mirror, and pretend to have my composure. “Does this have anything to do with the dinner you’re having with Jordan’s parents?”
God, I wasn’t even thinking about that! I bite my lip and huff. “It didn’t, thanks for bringing it up. I still have a couple of days.”
“It’s going to be fine, Bella. You always worry about nothing!”
If she only knew. “Turn the radio on,” I say, keeping my eyes glued to my face in the mirror. Anything to not talk about Jordan’s parents. Mrs. Finch sent me an e-mail two weeks ago inviting me to come have dinner with them. Since I haven’t seen them since the funeral, my nerves are all over the place. It’s heartbreaking to sit there knowing the one thing that brought us together is dead.
Ash turns toward me but reluctantly turns the radio on. The music drowns any chance of us having a normal conversation and I’m glad.
It’s been six months since our plane crashed over the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Six months since I lost Emily and Jordan.
Six months since I’ve talked to Beau. The funerals for Jordan and Emily were held together and it was the last time I saw him. He was stiff, motionless, his eyes locked on the caskets like he didn’t know either of the two bodies lying inside. It looked like he was looking right through it.
I tried to get the nerve to speak to him but as soon as I saw Jordan’s family I was too guilty to even look his way. I watched from the shade of the burial as he stormed out of the service, hopped into his Jeep and bolted.
I haven’t seen him since. They tell me he stayed in my room at night when I was in the hospital for my ribs but he was never there in the morning.
Ashley and Cody tell me that he’s still in school but I never see him around campus. Maybe my lack of sociability or effort has something to do with it. The old Bella isn’t here—or she’s doing a damn good job of hiding.
“You’re not getting cold feet, are you?” Ashley screams over the music.
I meet her gaze in the mirror and frown. I know she’s just trying to help me. Some scheme to get my life back to the way it was. But it’s not going to happen or work. Because I don’t want that life back. I was an unhappy person with a mountain of guilt built at the base of each word I uttered. And now add the death of my boyfriend and best-friend to the mix and you’ve got one fucked up girl.
Now, I’m just alone. The guilt is still there but you take solace in knowing you’ll never have to see their face and feel the ultimate guilt of telling him, again.
I shake my head and look at myself again in the mirror. “No, I’m not,” I say, even though I wish I were.
Ashley stands and adjusts her skirt. “Stand up so I can look at you,” she says.
I do as she says. She takes me in from head to toe with her finger tapping her chin. Ashley was Emily’s ‘little sister’ in their sorority. I didn’t meet her until last year, and she’s definitely no Emily but I’m glad she’s here.
If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know how I would have coped living in this apartment without Emily. I see her wherever I go. Her smile. Her laugh. I miss so much about her. When her parents came to get her things, I cried in her mother’s arms like a baby. Sobbing for hours.
Ashley moved in the next day, telling me she wasn’t trying to take her place but thought it would help us cope. And I’m so glad she did. I just—in the last week—started feeling…semi normal. The first few months I cried at night. My nightmares have come less and less but I have at least three a week.
“You look hot, Bella!” she says, tossing her arms around me. Her skinny grip squeezes me and she pulls back with a smile. “I’m so glad you’re coming out with me tonight. We’re going to have so much fun!”
“Just Cody though, right?” I ask again, just to be safe. Ashley huffs, grabs our coats and tosses me mine.
“Yes, Bella. Now come on before I combust. I need some alcohol in my system.”
I slip into my jacket and follow her out of our front door.
Ashley’s family is loaded which is why she drives a candy white BMW. I don’t complain, because I always get the passenger’s seat. I see that the windows of the frat house have been darkened out with spray paint, giving it a real classy look when we pull up.
I snort and shake my head. “Ashley, this better not be a Q-Dog party or I’m going to kill you.”
She smiles. “It’s not. Come on. Let’s go!”
Ashley links her arm with mine and pulls me along the walkway. A few guys are littering the front lawn, and letting out wolf whistles as we walk to the front door. Ashley eats it up, swinging her hips and pushing her hair from her shoulder.
When the front door opens the music pulses over me. I’m surprised—and relived—that they’re playing rock music and not rap. Ashley immediately closes the door and pushes me through the living room to the kitchen.
Cody is the first person I see because he’s hard to miss. He’s about six-four, blonde hair and spends everyday surfing. He’s on the swim team and was one of Jordan’s other best-friends.
My hopes are that Ashley and he will realize that they’re perfect for one another and go at it. But they’re kind of air-headed. When he turns and sees us, he stomps through the crowded entrance, grabs my arm and hauls us toward the kitchen table.
“Annabella, you’re here! Ashley got you to come. It’s good to see you, bro,” he says, shoving my shoulder before ruffling my hair.
Ashley swats at his arm. “Stop messing up her hair, asshole.”
He gives her a big goofy grin and tosses his big tree trunk of an arm around her shoulder. “Don’t be jealous, baby. You know you’re my main woman.” If he isn’t drunk, he’s getting there.
She pretends to push at him and they have a pretend ‘get off of me’ session. My eyes flutter over the party. Most of the people are lying on the couch, stoned out of their minds and the other ‘non-weed smokers’ are drunk on the floor grinding against one another.
My fingers clench around the edge of the chair I’m standing in front of. I couldn’t feel more out of place. The low-cut dress I’m wearing that’s plastered to my ass might as well be a bonnet covered in bows that matches an over-sized Little Bo Beep dress.
“Beau! You’re freaking here! I thought you wouldn’t come?”
Beau. I swing around to face Cody and instead my eyes zero in on Beau. He’s already staring at me—gawking at me—like I can’t see him. Ashley, who is hiding behind Cody, is peeking around him to look at me. She gives me a small wave and gestures me over.
Is she kidding?! I am not going over there and she can’t make me. She promised he wouldn’t be here. My throat is so dry I can’t breathe. Sweat forms on the inside of my palms, so I slide them down the short length of my dress.
And suddenly I’m glad I’m wearing this and not the bonnet. The party flicks back to live when someone crashes into a glass table in the living room. The base of the music is loud in the back of my skull, causing every beat to hammer into my head.
Beau’s blue eyes are watching me, making my entire body heavy with want. A thin amount of hair is covering his strong jaw that’s clenched so tight I can see the veins move in his thick neck.
His hurt and anger is etched onto his strong face. I can’t do this. How dare they lie to me! My head spins as I turn and race toward the bathroom door. A girl is about to grab the knob and when she sees me she lets me go. I must look as bad as I feel.
I turn the light on and hurl myself over the toilet. There go the remains of my lunch. Someone is beating on the door by the time I get myself cleaned off. Ashley storms in.
“What in the hell is wrong with you, Bella?” She tosses her hands i
n the air like she’s fed up. “Are you going to tell me what happened out there?” Tears threaten her eyes. “You can talk to me, Bells. I’m your friend. Why are you so dead-set on ignoring Beau?”
I bite my lip and cross my arms over my chest. “Why did you lie to me? You should have told me he’d be here. Don’t turn this around on me. You’re the liar here.”
She stomps her foot and lets out a yelp. “Dammit, Bella! We’re trying to get you back. We want you back. I miss you so much. Just for one night—dance! Have fun. Drink. Cody and I are here to take care of you!” She drops her arms and steps toward me. “Just don’t think about Beau if you don’t want to. Ignore him. But just try to have fun.”
I let out an exasperated sigh. “Just for a little bit.”
Thirty minutes later, my hands are lifted above my head, the three Bacardi Silver’s and three Jell-O shots I tossed back are starting to help sway me to the music.
I have no idea who is dancing behind me, or who is squished at my side but I don’t care. All my worries slip away, pulling a drunken veil in its place. The song turns slower, causing the mystery man behind me to pull me closer to him. I let my head fall back against his shoulder, catching a glimpse of his long brown hair and blue eyes.
But not as blue as Beau’s. My stomach tightens; a sick feeling starts to consume me. His hands are pulling at my hip, grinding me back against his erection. No, it’s not right. It doesn’t feel right.
Panic sets in and I pull forward, swinging around to the see the guy I’ve been dancing with. His eyes are hooded, red rings around the outside of his pupils. He’s higher than a fucking kite. When he reaches for me, I take a step back. “Where you going baby?” he whispers, an easy smile on his face.
I try to take another step but he grabs my waist and hauls me up against his side. “We were having a good time; you don’t have to go so soon.”
“I—I have to go, my friend is waiting for me,” I lie, my mouth dry. I need to get out of here. What in the hell was I thinking? I’m not ready to do this.
He lifts a brow, his happy-go-lucky smile is replaced with a scowl. “You think you’re too good to dance with me? You wanted to give me this,” he grabs my hand and forces it down onto the top of his pants. “You get me all worked up and then run? Who the hell do you think you are?”
He’s drawing attention from the people around us. My heartbeat is racing inside my head. Everyone is looking. “Let me go,” I say, trying to pull my wrist from his grasp but he holds on tighter.
“Dance with me,” he demands, quickly running his hand underneath his nose in a feverish way. Fear starts to strangle me. Pot smokers don’t do that. He’s on something else.
I jerk again but he pulls me to him, hovering over me and swaying us to the beat.
I try pushing him but only get pulled tighter. No one is trying to help me. I’m screwing my eyes shut and pleading with him to let me go, when I feel a firm hand on my upper arm, and then I’m being pulled backwards.
I lose my footing, falling backwards into some girl who tries her best to steady me but we end up on our asses. A loud eruption of cheers and screams fill the room, and then I’m being pulled up to my feet.
“Are you alright?” Cody asks, screaming into my ear.
I search my body and give him a nod. “What’s going on?” I ask. But Cody ignores me, trying to get to the middle.
Aggravated, I push through the crowd—back into the lion’s den—and fumble into the scene.
The guy I was dancing with is on the floor with someone straddling him, laying hit after hit into his jaw. No one is even trying to stop them. The guy looks like a madman.
It isn’t until Cody runs to the middle and hauls the attacker to his feet that I see its Beau. Cody loops his arms through Beau’s and pulls his arms tightly behind his back. “Christ, Beau,” he hisses.
I watch his chest heave, while his eyes like ice cut me deep. Blood is spattered all over his hands and wrists.
The breath I was about to take catches in my throat. The guy on the floor scurries to his feet, doesn’t make eye contact and darts from the room with what looks like a broken jaw.
Are you kidding me?
I clench my fists and match Beau’s heated glance for two seconds before heading for the door.
The thump, thump, thump of Beau’s fists hitting that guy makes my stomach churn. He was so primal and hard. Beau wasn’t like that. At least, he didn’t used to be.
No one comes after me as I run outside. The streetlights flicker as I walk my way toward the square two blocks up. Goosebumps form on my arms and I rub them away. So many things are happening in my head. I can’t believe I saw him.
When I reach the curb, I easily flag down a cab, hop in and head back to my apartment. I was right. I’m not ready for this.
Chapter Eleven
Beau
Someone is going to fucking die today.
A lazy groan slips from underneath my covers, and then they move as the girl from last night sits up and stretches. She’s topless, showing me why I chose to bring her home last night. Definitely worth the looming hangover.
Then I hear the three loud thumps against my door and remember why I’m not past out right now. “Shit,” I mumble, rubbing my eyes with the palm of my hand. When I pull the cover off of me, I see the dried blood on my hands.
Right. The fight.
Goddammit.
“Who is that?” the blonde whines, searching the covers for her clothes.
I groan, rub my head and march toward the door. I check the kitchen clock. Seven thirty in the morning. Yep, someone is going to die today.
I swing my apartment door open and I’m looking at a too happy Cody. He shoves his way through and takes camp on my couch. “So, what the hell happened last night, man? I thought I was going to have to tackle your ass.”
I run my fingers down my face. “Is there a reason why you’re here this early in the morning, Cody?”
He grabs my TV remote and shrugs. “Because I knew you’d have a hottie traipsing out of your bedroom that I could ogle before class.”
“Well, you’re wrong, so you can leave now. Some of us don’t have early classes for a reason.”
He flips through the channels and props his flip-flops on my table. “Three … Two … One …”
“Beau do you know where my panties are?”
He gives me two thumbs up and waggles his brows. “Now go show that sexy lady where her underwear are so she can leave and you can tell me what the fuck happened last night.”
Growling, I walk into my room, pick up her panties and escort her to the door. I hear her gasp on the other side when I shut it without saying anything first.
Cody is shaking his head when I come back. “Why are you shaking your head? You don’t have that right. This is my apartment.”
He tosses his hands up and stands up slowly. “Beau, what the fuck is up, bro? I—I don’t know what happened on the mountain but you can talk to me. I’m here for you.”
Yeah, I’m sure. I can’t risk talking about it because I feel like my throat is constricting when I do. Seeing Bella last night was the fucking hardest thing I’ve done in six months. Even harder than not seeing her. She looked at me like I was some kind of thing. A thing she didn’t want to be around.
And to think I love her. Want her. She won’t even come out with our friends anymore. “Beau? Hey!” Cody claps his hands. “Earth to Beau.”
I groan. “Nothing happened, Cody. For the final time. We wrecked. We survived. Now we’re back. That’s it. Nothing else.”
Cody stares blankly at me for a few minutes. “Okay, so can we talk about the way you’re treating women? Like trash? You just tossed a beautiful girl out of your apartment and into the breezeway.” He frowns. “That wasn’t very nice.”
I roll my eyes. God, I need a cigarette. “I’m not asking for your advice, Cody. I didn’t even ask you to come inside. You barged in.”
“I’m just trying to chec
k on you. You’re not yourself anymore. You’re acting like a fucking douchebag.”
“Fuck you, Cody,” I yell, hitting the empty plate sitting on my dining room table, it skids across the floor. “You don’t know what I’m going through. It’s no one’s business what happened and if I don’t ever tell a goddamn soul it wouldn’t matter! It doesn’t matter!”
Cody swallows and rubs the back of his neck. “Clearly you’re hurting, Beau. I know I wasn’t your best friend back then—but I want to be your friend now. I can help you. When you’re ready.”
I watch as he grabs his keys and leaves.
I crawl back into my bed and kick all of my sheets off my bed. They smell like the girl I just kicked out and it makes my stomach sick. Even though I know I’m being a dick, I can’t get close. I don’t want them. I want her.
I force my eyes closed and drift to sleep shortly after.
***
I’m thick with sweat. Something is dripping close by my head but I’m too dizzy to tell right now. I move and water splashes up at me, licking the sides of my shirt. I blink—a few times—and finally focus my vision.
I’m all too aware of the guy floating face down next to me. Jordan. I quickly turn him over and sink backwards at his face. He’s purple, face swollen at the cheeks. Fear grabs me and begins to cloud my vision. We’ve crashed. The seatbelt comes out easily as I pull it out from under the armrest.
I pull from my seat and instantly push back bile in my throat. The first few rows of people are dead. The plane caved inward, cutting some of them into pieces. Blood is swirled in with the muggy water rising at my calves.
My eyes find her first, because it’s almost impossible not to. Bella is lying with her head against the seat in front of her. I panic when I see she isn’t moving and drop down to my knees, water lapping at my chest, to sit her upright in the seat next to mine. Her chest is rising and falling, it looks like she is just knocked out.