by Alla Kar
***
My nightmares have stopped—or so I thought. But something about this is different. The guilt looming over my head every time I take a step isn’t there. I feel—freer than I’ve felt since my brother passed away. Before all of the deaths and destruction. It feels right.
But as soon as I focus all my hope on forgetting, it slaps me in the face. The plane is wrecked when I open my eyes. Dread settles in when I see the water rising and lapping at my knees.
No one is in the plane but me and the leftover ruble. The lifeless bodies that haunt my dreams aren’t here, but I feel like I’m being watched. Someone has to be here. But where?
“Beau,” I hear and I know it’s Jordan before I turn. I don’t know what I expect but he doesn’t look like he did when I found his body. The normal happy-go-lucky Jordan is standing in front of me.
Both hands are shoved in his jeans and his cap is turned around backwards on his head. “Jordan.” I hesitate before taking a step because the last dream I had with Jordan in it—let’s just say my wellbeing was the last thing on Jordan’s mind. But I’ll never know if my dreams are made up from the guilt I’ve let build inside of me or because that’s what Jordan is really trying to tell me. I’m hoping it’s not the latter.
“You been working out?” he asks, giving me his best smart ass grin.
Trudging closer to him through the water of the plane, I carefully examine him. Even though I know it’s a dream—I have to make sure he’s really here.
“You missed the best party at Cody’s the other night,” I say, because during that time of sitting and waiting for Bella to show, I had missed my best-friend. No party was ever boring. Those wild stories he would tell in class were true. He was the craziest person I’d ever meet. Jordan didn’t back down from bets.
He lifts his brow and smiles. “Cody sure does know how to throw a party, doesn’t he?”
“That he does.”
The smile on his face falls, slowly turning into a frown. “Did you know that Bella never fought like that with me?”
Looking at the muddy water below me, to buy time, I finally look up at him. “Fight like what?”
A sad smile curls on his jaw. “Like she did with you at Maddie’s. She loves you, Beau. I always thought there was something about the way she looked at you but I chose to ignore it.” He takes a step toward me and tilts his head upward slightly. “You should have told me not to ask Bella out. I wouldn’t have if I knew you cared for her the way you did.”
I run my hand over my hair and blink back the tears of talking to Jordan. I’ve been dying to talk to him for six months. To tell him this—and I don’t even know if what’s happening now is real.
It’s a dream, right?
“She looked happy, and I didn’t want to try and wreck it. She’s important.”
Jordan watches me with a close stare and reaches out to bring me into a hug. It feels so real that I have to keep telling myself it’s a dream over and over again in my head.
“If there is anyone in this world that deserves her, it’s you, Beau.” He pulls back and slaps my back. “I don’t even have to tell you to treat her right because I know you will. And I know how much you care, and I’ve seen the connection. It was there before and you can’t help that it’s here now. But you have to love her right. And wait for her. She’s hurting.”
Pain builds in my throat, causing a heavy ache in the back of my throat. Jordan pulls back and looks over his shoulder like someone is calling his name but I see no one. “Keep her safe, Beau.”
I promise I will as he smiles and disappears from my view. The plane slowly disappears from under me and I’m falling into a vortex so black that everything has a blue hue to it. I open my eyes when I feel the wind slow around me and my body settles from the fall.
My vision is blurry until I rub my fists against my eyes and pull backwards. Bella is sitting in a desk chair, her back to me but I see the small tattoo on her upper shoulder as the wind blows her hair.
Flowers are surrounding us as far as I can see both ways. Bella bends forward and begins to write on what I assume is paper but I can’t tell from here. Slowly, keeping my distance, I walk a circle around her until I can see her face.
Her wrist moves fiercely against the notebook and I suddenly know where this vision is from. The first day I saw her, minus the classroom and throw in some flowers. Dreams are so weird.
Her eyes stay glued to the paper as I walk closer, inching slowly toward her like a lion on its prey. When I get there I watch what she writes on the paper, over and over again.
The reason is you …
The reason is you …
The reason is you …
Suddenly her face lifts and her eyes slowly take me in until she’s looking at my face. “The reason is you,” she whispers.
I nod slowly, reaching out to grab the sheet of paper but it isn’t there when I do. I snatch my hand back and watch as a dove flutters around on her desk. She’s smiling when I meet her gaze again and tears are streaming down her perfectly unblemished face.
Carefully, I lean forward and swoop her into my arms. “The reason is you, Dove.”
Then I mold my mouth to hers.
Chapter Eighteen
Bella
Sissy’s name is on the top of my blank e-mail but I can’t think of anything to say. I haven’t spoken to her since the funeral.
I’ve hardly spoken to anyone since the funeral. Sissy is a couple years younger than us—a senior this year—and always looked up to Emily. I can remember her begging to come in her room to hear what we were talking about when we would go to her childhood home for the weekend. Or asking Emily to lie for her when she wanted to sneak out and meet a boy.
And now she has no one. I’ve known that I’m not the only person that was hurt with their deaths but I’ve acted like it. I can’t imagine Sissy’s heartache to walk into Emily’s childhood room and seeing the empty spot where she used to lay. The same way I feel when I look into Ashley’s room and see all of Emily’s things gone. Hollow.
My fingers float from the keyboard to Emily’s IPod I’m listening to. I thought I had lost it but just when I had lost hope, Beau brings it out of his jeans like a knight to save the day. I run my fingers over the smooth surface and smile as Barbie Girl starts to play through the headphones. Emily would replay it over and over, prancing around the house like she owned the world.
And before I know it my fingers are flying across the keyboard and I’m spilling out all of my heartache for her—for me—for their family. And the guilt that’s been assailing me for months.
Sissy,
There is no other way to start this e-mail with other than I’m sorry. Because we both know I’ve been avoiding having this first conversation for six months. The conversation where we tip-toe around things we say or avoid anything that Emily would say or do. I’ve been avoiding a lot of the important things in my life recently and I’ve ruined my chances for happiness in many ways.
But I’ve had such a realization these last few days that I know I can’t go on living like this. I can’t ignore you or your parents. Or Jordan’s parents anymore because it won’t help us in any way.
I’ve missed Emily every day since that plane wrecked me. I see her face a thousand times a day and wonder what she would say if she saw how I was now? I know she wouldn’t want this for me. And she doesn’t want it for you.
I hope you accept my apology. I’m ready to see you again! I miss your craziness and loud laugh. You remind me so much of Emily and a friend is someone both of us needs right now.
I love you, Sissy. And hope to see you soon.
I move the mouse and click the send button before I lose my nerve. Relief. The heavy weight weighing me down lifts and I sit back against my chair and stare at my laptop screen.
The song changes in my ear and I stand to get ready. I don’t know what you wear when you go see a therapist but I slip into some jeans and a long sleeved T-shirt. It’s starti
ng to get cooler, the wind starting to nip at you the later it gets in the day.
A small rap of knuckles hit my door. My heart race picks up slamming against my ribcage. Beau’s right on time. Just thinking his name makes my stomach tighten. I wasn’t sure if I was going to go to the party but I’m so glad I did.
It was like we just met. Dancing until sweat coats your skin and touching like it’s your first time. Hands on hips. Mouth hovering just above your skin so close that you can taste the salt of them on your tongue. A slow torturous goodnight kiss that had me panting against the door for ten minutes after he left.
Starting over. It always seems like a waste of time to rebuild what you’ve already built. But patience is a virtue I was told.
I slip into some flats before opening the door and letting him in. His woodsy scent is instantly on me, showing me why the closeness of him drives me so crazy. “Hi,” he says, wrapping his palm around the edge of the opened door.
“Hi,” I say, gesturing for him to come inside. He closes the door and waits patiently as I try to find my keys and shove them into my purse. “You ready to go?”
He gives me an easy smile. “Ready when you are.”
Beau settles into his Jeep and leans backwards against his seat. “I got a text from Bethany today.”
What? I whip my head around to stare at him. My skin should be smoking because my blood is boiling. “What did she want?” And after I told her he’d slept with that many girls.
What a skank.
He runs his fingers through his chocolate hair and then scratches the side of his jaw. It looks like he’s trying not to laugh and I want in on the joke now. “There is a rumor at work that I’ve slept with sixty or seventy girls and she wants to know if it’s true.”
Oh, God. I screw my lips together and pretend that the buildings we pass are interesting. “What did you say?”
His low chuckle settles in my core. “I asked who told her and she told me a little birdie told her.” He shrugs his shoulders and gives me a look that makes me want to launch myself across the console and onto his lap. “And since you’re the only dove I know, I figured it was you.”
I laugh, my shame washing away. “I basically told her you were a man whore and to stay away,” I whisper.
Another smile. “Like I said—you were jealous.”
I hold up my finger to mimic an inch and he settles back against the seat, one hand loosely holding the steering wheel. “Don’t worry, Dove. I’m not going anywhere.”
And I believe him.
We don’t talk much on the rest of the way to the session. I can feel the nerves radiating off of him. The once loose hand that was wrapped round the steering wheel is so tight his knuckles are white. Then his leg starts to bounce in a quick jerking motion.
Ashley’s aunt has an office on a small shopping strip close to the university. The waiting room is quiet, only a few people sitting around reading magazines when Beau goes to sign us in.
Nervously, I take a seat and grip the sides of the small metal chair. Beau takes a seat beside me. “You nervous?”
I don’t even try to lie. “Yes.”
“Me too. But I’m sure it’ll be fine.” He pats my hand, holding my gaze until the wooden door in front of us opens.
“Beau Richards and Annabelle Jacobs. You two ready?” A younger lady with bright teeth and an enthusiastic smile is standing at the door with a clipboard in her hand.
Beau gestures for me to go first, so I slip through the doorway and into the long stretch of a hallway. “Dr. Johns will be with you in a moment. Go ahead and take a seat. There are drinks in the mini-fridge that you can help yourself to.”
The room is a soft cream color with dark blue leather seats and dark mahogany wood. I take a seat in one of the chairs and examine all the family pictures hanging in her office. Ashley is in a few of them on her desk in nice picture frames.
Beau’s fingers trail against my hand that’s resting on the armrest. “If you get uncomfortable, tell me, and we’ll leave. We do not have to do this if you start to feel panicked or scared. Go it?”
“I need to do this,” I say, grasping his hand that’s petting my own. “I need to talk about it.”
A soft touch trails over my knuckles. “Me too.”
The door opens, and then clicks when it closes, my nerves start to flip-flop as I see the chestnut woman in the pictures come to life. “Sorry I’m late, I had to scarf down my lunch really fast, I had a session run long.”
Her long strides bring her to Beau first, who stands and takes her hand in his own. “You must be Beau. It’s nice to meet you.”
She turns and I see the resemblance between her and Ashley immediately. Her wide eyes are framed by long lashes and her slender body matches Ashley’s to a T. “And you’re Bella. Nice to meet you Bella.”
“You too.”
She settles into her desk and pulls out a pen that she holds in her hand before turning to face us. “So, who wants to start?”
***
An hour later my face is so tear streaked that most of my makeup is gone. My nose is sore to the touch from the constant blowing and sniffling. The ache in my heart is open and bleeding for Beau and Dr. Johns to see.
But I don’t care.
Dr. John reaches across the table and hands me—yet another—tissue for my nose. I blow into it, not caring that the tissue is bare of any makeup meaning it’s all gone or that my nose has started to bleed from blowing so much. “You’re a strong person, Bella. And you need to let yourself understand that it’s okay to move forward with your life.” She gestures toward Beau whose hand is wrapped tightly around my own, his fingers making soothing circles against my skin.
“Beau is here for you. He’s going through this and you both can help each other get better. Both help each other heal.”
His fingers tighten and those normally hard blue eyes soften. “I’m here, Dove,” he whispers.
“I know.”
Dr. Johns stands at her door when we get up to walk away. The other patients stare at us as we walk out of the office and towards the parking lot. The hammering of my heart is slowly decreasing, giving me a chance to catch my breath.
Beau helps me into his Jeep, then rushes around to climb in the driver’s seat. When he starts the vehicle I settle back against my seat and rest my throbbing head. Beau has a smile on his face when I turn to look at him.
When he meets my gaze, he slowly slips his hands into his pocket and pulls out a small slip of paper. My fingers curl around the folded paper as I cradle it in my hand.
Everything around me feels like a hazy—good dream. The radio thumps quietly from the speakers, Beau’s smile is pinning me to my place—I couldn’t leave if I wanted to.
The cracked window sends wind inside to whip at my loose hair and send chills down to my toes.
Slowly I unfold the paper and pull it tight between both of my hands.
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
And even though a small piece of my heart hurts so much—I look at the most beautiful and strong man I know sitting next to me and I know that there is hope.
And sometimes that’s all you need.
PART THREE
The Happily-Ever-After
And the reason is you …
And the reason is you …
And the reason is you …
-Hoobastank
Chapter Nineteen
One Year Later
Bella
“Two minutes,” I whisper gently into Beau’s ear. He stirs and drags his big arm over his face to hide the sunlight shining in from a crack in our blinds.
He groans. “Umm.”
I smile, swing my leg over him and straddle his waist. His morning wood presses into my spread legs, making my determination to get Beau up slowly seem unimportant.
“Does umm mean you’re getting up or t
hat you’re going to ignore me?” I ask, dipping my mouth to kiss his bare chest.
“One minute, woman. I don’t think I have any more strength left after last night.”
I hold in my laugh and trail my fingernails down his chest and then back up. He moans, moving his hips so that I bounce on him.
I laugh and he peaks one eye open. Those too-blue eyes—hooded—watch me as I bite my lip and dare him to make a move.
I’m pinned to the bed below him, as I squeal like a maniac, before I can give him my sexy come and get me look. “You’re fucking beautiful in the mornings. Have I told you that yet?”
I arch my back as he nuzzles his nose into my neck and trails his fingers up the side of my oversized T-shirt. “Not today. And feel free to tell me as many times as you see fit. I don’t mind.”
The corner of his mouth moves up before he dips his head to nip my jaw. “And why is it again you were waking me up this early in the morning for?”
Shit! I sit up and bring him with me. “We have a Skype call with Taborie and Kat in—,” I look over at the wall clock—“two minutes ago. Come on.” I grab his wrist and drag him toward his desk in the corner of the room.
I moved in three months ago. Since his apartment was bigger, we decided it would be good for me to move in with him. Ashley begged me not to leave her but how could I resist? It was time.
Beau pulls out his chair, leans back and pats his upper thigh for me to take a seat. I do, settling on his rock hard thighs as he pulls up the laptop. My fingers tap anxiously against the wooden desk as he clicks the blue Skype icon and it pulls up.
Beau’s hands settle on my upper thighs and he kisses all over the back of my neck and bites on my shoulders. “You smell like sex,” he whispers, and the word sends flares off in my lower stomach.
“I wonder why?” I ask, turning to give him a seductive look.