Dad and Aunt Morgan looked startled for a moment, then thoughtful. And then their eyes filled with tears.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“No. That’s okay.” Aunt Morgan reached across the table and put her hand on mine. “I think we’ve all been wondering that.”
I nodded. “I mean, this isn’t like saying good-bye to someone at the airport. Someone you know you’ll see again in two weeks. Or even in two years. This is…”
“Forever,” Dad finished for me.
“You know,” Aunt Morgan said kindly, “I’m not sure we can plan or prepare for something like that. I think, when the time comes, the right words will come as well. They’ll just come.” She paused. “And by ‘right’ I don’t mean there are right or wrong words. I mean that you’ll find the way to say what you want to say to your mom. I truly believe that.”
I wanted to believe that too. I didn’t like the idea of planning a speech for Mom. I knew it would come out sounding stiff and formal. I relaxed a little.
1:50 P.M.
Rebecca left a few minutes ago. She was crying. I didn’t know what to say to her. Luckily, Dad walked outside with her. Now I feel all uncomfortable. This is what I’m thinking: After Mom dies everyone is going to be upset. Upset people are going to drop by the house. Upset people are going to phone us. And upset people are going to be at the funeral. How am I going to deal with them?
1:54 P.M.
I guess I AM the most self-centered, selfish person on the entire planet. Can I think of no one but myself?
2:10 P.M.
I sat with Mom again for awhile. She’s just sort of…drifting.
2:35 P.M.
I’ve set myself up in Mom’s room. I dragged an armchair in here. I jammed it between the doorway and the foot of the bed. Dad said it was okay. I know he meant it was okay because it won’t be for very long, but he didn’t say that. Anyway, I moved a table next to the chair and put some pens and a cup of tea on it. I can leave my journal there when I need to put it down. I think I’ll just stay here for awhile.
Dad and Aunt Morgan are in the room too. The nurse is just outside.
The phone is being answered by Carol. The doorbell rang not long after Rebecca left, and there was Carol. She had left work early and she turned up here, saying she was going to do for us whatever needed doing. She didn’t ask us if we wanted her to come over. She just arrived, ready to help.
Carol is wonderful.
Very quietly she took over the lists we’d been keeping. And now she’s in the kitchen, straightening up the mess we let pile up since yesterday—the food people keep bringing by. I think Carol is going to reorganize the refrigerator.
Mom is sleeping now. She looks kind of peaceful.
2:49 P.M.
It’s funny. Now I’m sleepy myself. I think I’ll take a little nap here in the chair.
3:39 P.M.
Well. I did have a nap. What a good sleep. It was very deep. Not too long, but I feel so much better.
Carol just whispered to me that Dawn is going to come over in a few minutes.
4:45 P.M.
It was awful. Horrible. I have never seen Dawn cry in quite the way she was crying after she came out of Mom’s room.
Dawn talked to Mom for about ten minutes, I guess. Carol stayed busy in the kitchen, and Dad and Aunt Morgan and I sat in the living room. When Dawn came out of Mom’s room she went to the kitchen and I could hear her sobbing with Carol. I didn’t know whether to go into the kitchen or what. Aunt Morgan must have realized what I was wondering about because she said, “Let her talk to Carol for a bit, honey. Then maybe you and Dawn can go to your room.”
I nodded.
But when Dawn finally came out of the kitchen with Carol, she looked at me and burst into tears all over again. Somehow it just didn’t seem appropriate to say, “Do you want to go to my room?” So I did what felt right. I held out my arms to Dawn and we hugged each other for a minute or two.
Then Dawn blew her nose and said, “I better go, Sunny. I’ll see you …” She trailed off.
We were both thinking the same thing: that we probably won’t see each other again until after Mom has died.
8:19 P.M.
The rest of the afternoon was much busier than I had thought it would be. I figured I was just going to cozy up in that armchair with my journal and watch over Mom. But then a few people came by on their way home from work. The deliveryman from the Flower Basket came by three times with bouquets. Another deliveryman showed up with a complete dinner that the people at the bookstore had arranged to be sent over for Dad and Aunt Morgan and me. We felt terrible because there wasn’t room for it anywhere (Carol’s carefully reorganized fridge was bursting at the seams) and we simply weren’t hungry. So Dad suggested that Carol take it home so the Schafers could have it for their dinner. Dawn’s father arrived then, and Carol packed it and some other food into two shopping bags. As they were finishing, Carol realized that before they left it would be their turn to say good-bye to Mom. She burst into tears even before they went into Mom’s room. And when they came out she looked nearly as bad as Dawn had. Then, wordlessly, she and Mr. Schafer hugged first Dad, then me, and headed next door.
I sat in Mom’s room again and was about to open my journal when I noticed Mom watching me from her bed. I thought that surely she would have gone back to sleep, exhausted, after Carol’s visit, but in fact she looked pretty alert.
“Hi, sweetie,” she said.
“Hi, Mom.”
“What time is it? I get so foggy.”
“A little before six,” I told her.
“Morning or evening?”
“Evening.”
“Oh. Are you going to eat dinner now?”
“We already ate,” I replied, which wasn’t exactly a lie, since while Carol was with Mom, Dad and Aunt Morgan and I picked at a fruit basket that had been delivered.
Mom nodded. Then she frowned and tried to sit up a little.
I hurried to her side and put another pillow behind her back.
“Thanks, honey. Sunny?”
“Yes?”
“There’s something I want to tell you. Can you get your father, please?”
My heart dropped. I actually thought I could feel it drop down through my chest cavity toward the ground.
Was this it? Was Mom going to say her final words? I felt warm all over and knew my face was flushed.
“Dad? Dad?” I said, rushing from the room.
“Sunny? What is it?” Dad leaped to his feet and we ran back to Mom.
“Mom wants you for something,” I said.
Dad and I hovered over Mom’s bed and she looked up at Dad.
“I want to give Sunny the diaries now,” she whispered.
“Oh,” said Dad, and as he said the word he let out a little breath. I could see relief wash over him. “Yes. Just a minute.”
Dad left the room. When he returned he was carrying a stack of spiral-bound notebooks. He handed them to me.
I glanced down at them. There were twenty or so. Some of them looked pretty old and worn. Well thumbed through.
“What are they?” I asked Mom.
“My diaries,” she whispered. “I started keeping them a long time ago. When I was around your age. I didn’t write in them as much or as often as you write in yours, but I kept them off and on until just a few months ago. I want you to have them.”
“You do?” And then I asked a question that seemed silly to me, but I had to ask it. “Do you want me to read them?”
“Of course.”
“But journals are private.”
“Yes, I know. But I do want you to read them, Sunny. I’m not going to be around to answer all the questions you’re going to want to ask me. Questions about getting married and having babies — if that’s what you want to do. Or questions about how I felt on my first day at college or how my mother and I got along or what the day of my high school graduation was like. At least you can read about those thi
ngs in the diaries.”
I was speechless. For a long time I didn’t know what to say. Finally I just said, “Thank you.”
Mom reached for my hand and held it for a moment. She smiled. Then the smile faded and she grimaced. Dad called for the nurse. And I sat in my chair with the stack of diaries in my lap.
8:58 P.M.
I feel like this is my mantra — I say it so often. But…I am so tired.
Dad and Aunt Morgan and I are in Mom’s room again. After Mom gave me the diaries she had a horrible bout with pain. One of the worst ever. She was actually screaming. She screamed so loudly that the Schafers heard her next door and Carol called to see if we needed any help. Then the nurse just gave Mom something that made her fall asleep.
So Mom is simply sleeping.
9:15 P.M.
Dad and Aunt Morgan and I have decided to sleep in Mom’s room tonight. We’ll sleep in the chairs. It seems like the right thing to do.
9:22 P.M.
Of course, tired as I am, I’m nowhere near able to fall asleep at this hour, sitting up in a chair while my mother is dying nearby. Dad and Aunt Morgan aren’t asleep either. Aunt Morgan is reading the Bible, and Dad is looking through those lists and some other papers.
I think I will start a list of my own: things I want to remember to say to Mom when the time comes.
1. I love you. (I guess that goes without saying, but it’s always nice to hear.)
2. I think you’re beautiful. (You always tell me I’m beautiful. I don’t know whether you mean it, but I like to hear you, of all people, say it.)
3. I always loved the clothes you made for me, even the ones that were kind of dorky-looking. I loved them because you took the time to make them. Not all moms do those kinds of things for their kids.
4. I love that you love animals. Not in the pet kind of way but in the wild-animal kind of way. We have never had pets and I understand that you don’t like the idea of “owning” an animal. And that you especially don’t like animals in cages.
5. I loved the school lunches you used to pack for me. I loved that you took the time to make special things (not just toss packages of food in the box) and that sometimes you would hide a note or a surprise in the box.
6. I know I have been difficult and frustrating lately, but I also always knew that no matter how impossible I was being you still loved me. You have taught me what unconditional love is.
7. I am sorry that I have been difficult and frustrating.
8. I can’t promise that I will never be difficult or frustrating again.
9. If Dad ever remarries I will try to be nice to his new wife. I know that Dawn hasn’t always gotten along with Carol, but I will try hard.
10. I will make sure Dad finds someone who will be good to him.
11. What should I do if Dad finds someone I think is not good for him? You won’t be here to help me with things like that.
12. Mom, I don’t understand why you have to leave me now. Couldn’t we have been allowed a little more time together? Maybe just until I graduate from high school?
13. I know it isn’t your fault, but I am mad at you for leaving me. Parents aren’t supposed to leave their kids, not until the kids are adults.
14. I’m sure I won’t be able to remember to say all these things to you, so I really wish you could read this journal. You gave me your diaries, and I wish I could give you mine.
9:51 P.M.
Just had to take a breather. My eyes are all teary. Partly from crying, partly from the dim light in here.
15. There are lots of things I’d like to give you. I wish I could give you a cure for cancer. I wish I could give you something that would really take away the pain, not just mask it like those injections do. I wish I could somehow give you a glimpse of the adult I am going to become. I wish I could find a way to tell you if you will be a grandmother one day. I wish I could give you a big, huge diamond-and-sapphire necklace. It’s not the kind of thing you’ve ever wanted, but I’d like to give you something truly fabulous. I also wish I could give you a trip to Greece and Spain and Italy.
16. Mom, I would like to see those countries with you. I wish we could stand side by side and see the Mediterranean Sea together for the first time.
17. I wish I could crawl back in time and know you when you were a little girl. I wonder if we would have been friends.
18. How can I hate you for dying?
11:06 P.M.
I stopped the list a while ago. Dad and Aunt Morgan are making a valiant effort to sleep in here. I have tried but just can’t do it. Maybe later. I am writing this by penlight. (I can just barely see.)
Mom is asleep, but she doesn’t seem comfortable. She rustles around and lets out little moans and whimpers.
Dad is stretched out in his chair with his feet resting on the end of Mom’s bed. He looks like he’s asleep, but I don’t see how he possibly could be. Aunt Morgan is trying to sleep with her feet curled up underneath her. I KNOW she’s not asleep. She’s Ruminating. (That’s what she told me.) She said ruminating sometimes helps her fall asleep.
Friday 3/19
2:32 A.M.
I did fall asleep. Not sure how it happened. And what just woke me up? Oh, Mom’s awake (I think).
2:35 A.M.
That was weird. I thought Mom was asleep, but she was lying in bed with her eyes open. In the middle of the night.
“Mom?” I said.
She didn’t answer.
Of course I thought she had died. So I called her name again. Very softly because I didn’t want to wake Dad and Aunt Morgan, who had fallen asleep after all. After a couple of seconds Mom said, “Sunny? Is that you?”
Couldn’t she see me? I wondered. Well, the room was pretty dark.
“Yes, it’s me.”
“Oh. Okay.”
And she fell asleep again.
My heart is beating really hard and my palms are sweating.
2:41 A.M.
Should I be writing all these things down? I don’t know. I am chronicling my mother’s death. It doesn’t seem right.
2:53 A.M.
But I can’t be as terrible a person as I sometimes think I am, can I? I mean, I guess I could, but now I’m thinking about the things I wrote down for Mom. And I’m thinking about what a great mother she’s been. If she’s been such a great mother, she couldn’t have raised a horrible daughter, could she have?
These thoughts are so confusing.
I wish I could ask Mom about them.
5:24 A.M.
I have been dozing since the last entry. Everyone is sort of dozing now. We sleep, then wake up, then sleep a bit more. Dad seems more awake than asleep now.
I just realized something. It’s another day. Mom made it through yesterday, and her doctor had thought she wouldn’t. Can it be that she’ll make it through today and tomorrow as well? I’m thinking of the k.d. lang song, the one about yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Three days. In the song the three days are unbearable. But they’re all I wish for Mom. I wonder. Will she have her three days after all?
6:55 A.M.
Oh god. Mom started barfing a little while ago. She has nothing at all in her stomach. How can she barf? It hurts her so much. It’s like when she was getting the chemo. It’s making her cry.
I don’t know if I should wish for those three days for her. Maybe that isn’t fair. Maybe it really would be better if she died.
6:57 A.M.
I can’t believe I wrote that.
7:30 A.M.
Carol just called to see how we’re doing and to find out how Mom is feeling. Then she said she has decided not to go into work today. She’s going to come over again and take care of things for us.
I remember that she has already said good-bye to Mom.
8:10 A.M.
Carol is here. She’s fielding phone calls and the doorbell. Dad and Aunt Morgan and I are camped out in Mom’s room again. Mom fell asleep about an hour ago and seems to be in less pain. The doctor will be h
ere soon.
9:05 A.M.
The doctor just left. He said Mom doesn’t have much time left. Of course, yesterday he said he didn’t think she’d live until the end of the day and she’s still here.
I don’t know what to think.
10:24 A.M.
I’ve just had an idea. Maybe Mom can’t read my diary, but I could read it to her. I could read my list of things I want to tell her, so that I don’t forget any of them. Why not?
10:30 A.M.
Now I know why not. I asked Mom if I could read something to her.
“Of course, honey,” she whispered.
So I opened the journal to the list. I read items 1 and 2, looked up, and saw that mom was asleep. I don’t know if she heard anything at all.
1:10 P.M.
Boy, this day is just dragging by. I feel like I’m sitting in a chair with a collar around my neck and someone has fastened a leash to the collar and is pulling and pulling at me and I’m not moving.
Events of the morning:
— Mom sleeping
— Dad and Aunt Morgan sitting
— Carol answering phone calls
— Two more deliveries from the florist
— Fruit basket from the fruit market
— Surprise visit from Liz, Mom’s best friend from childhood, I gather, although I haven’t seen Liz since I was five. Mom couldn’t even wake up when Liz said her good-byes. Liz left Mom’s room sobbing; Carol comforted her.
Diary Three Page 10