by Diane Adams
"Cut it out," he muttered, ducking his head, "so did Al tell you the news?" Clark changed the subject and Alex looked horrified.
"Clark, shut up!" he exclaimed, shoving the fry basket in front of him. "Eat or something." Clark looked between Jared and Alex, his expression smug.
"You haven't told him!" exclaimed Clark, with nothing short of glee. "Ow!" He almost hit his head on the table as he grabbed his leg. "You don't have to kick me."
"Punching isn't polite." Alex glared.
Clark chuckled into his pilfered food, not looking at all sorry.
"Told me what?" Jared asked. Every so often, it was obvious his new friends were fifteen, or less, like maybe two. Alex stared at the stained laminate tabletop.
Clark glanced at him and shrugged. "Not that big a deal," he said. His shoulder bumped Alex's. "Dude says he's not sure if he's gay. Crazy talk, he's the biggest faggot I know. Almost." His eyes met Jared's eyes, sparkling with mischief and waiting to see if Jared would take the bait. Jared ignored him. Alex shook his head, hunching his shoulders in a failed effort at hiding.
"Let's go," Jared said. The boys stared at him.
"Where?" Clark asked around the fries he was stuffing in his mouth, alarmed he might not get to finish.
"For a walk," Jared said, reaching to rough Alex's hair, "no big deal."
Clark scooped the remaining fries in one hand, grabbing the shake with his other. He followed Jared. Alex joined them, lagging behind and looking unhappy. Once out of the noisy chaos of the bowling alley, Jared led them to his truck.
"That'll be riding," Clark pointed out, washing the final fries down with the last slurp of the shake.
"Clark, just shut up," Alex begged, looking less upset than before. He aimed a kick at Clark's ankle. Ready for the much-played game, Clark sidestepped, while pretending not to notice Alex's attempt at violence. Jared retrieved a Frisbee from under the seat.
"Walking," he assured Clark, leading them towards the park.
It was a fifteen-minute walk, and the younger guys cut up all the way, bouncing off each other and tormenting Jared. The park spread out in front of them with jogging trails cut through the lush green grass and strategically placed groups of trees. The centerpiece of the park was the small lake inhabited by ducks, frogs, and fish. Toddlers fished for minnows. Joggers ignored the world, and small clusters of people walked and talked together. The young outnumbered the old, two to one. The population of the college kept the town alive, the young people its lifeblood. Clark took off, cutting across grass and jogging paths.
"Hit me!" he yelled, turning to run backwards, hands up for the Frisbee.
"I wish," muttered Alex.
Jared laughed, throwing the blue disk in Clark's direction. The teen jumped as it passed just over his fingers.
"That sucked," he called over his shoulder, running after the disk. Jared shrugged.
"Never said I was good," he yelled back. Alex fell into step beside Jared. Their shoulders brushed and Alex tensed but Jared didn't move away. The Frisbee sailed back at them, and Jared let Alex chase it. He wondered what Clark meant by his little comment about Alex. He hadn't sensed any hesitation in Alex over his sexual identity. Jared thought the boy had more confidence than Jared had at that age. Jared was thankful for the supportive parents who'd seen him through crisis after crisis as he tried to figure out who he was. He didn't think Alex was struggling that way, but maybe he was wrong. They had almost closed the distance to Clark. Jared snagged the Frisbee out of the air, and sent it flying. Clark took off after it, throwing a glance back at Jared that said he knew what was up. His full out run slowed to a trot and then a walk.
Jared led Alex to a nearby bench. The same one Clark and Alex had sat on the morning he accidently eavesdropped on them. Jared put a hand in his pocket, separating the smooth stone from his change and rubbing it. He didn't want to disappoint Alex. Somehow, he let the boy set him on a pedestal so high he had trouble keeping his balance.
"Want to talk about it?" he asked. Alex leaned forward, staring at the ground. He gave a half shrug.
"Not really, stupid dreams about Clark. And…" Alex shifted uncomfortably and Jared waited patiently beside him. Clark ran up with the Frisbee, dropping it at Jared's feet.
"I'm gonna get some duck food, I'll be back," Clark announced to the air in general and disappeared. Jared shook his head. For an oblivious buffoon, Clark could pick up on a clue when he felt like it.
"He's a good friend," Alex muttered, staring after Clark, watching him run towards the vendor's cart where a guy sold everything from peanuts to duck chow.
"He is, so why don't you take this chance to tell me what else you've been dreaming about," Jared encouraged. Alex sank back onto the bench with a sigh.
"Girls," he confessed. "I keep dreaming about Clark and girls. I'm afraid to go to sleep. Clark's bad enough, but girls? That part happens when I'm awake too. It's just, I don't get it. Maybe I'm not gay."
Jared ran a hand through his hair. It was the stereotypical pitfall of boys, both gay and straight. See a guy, get turned on, and it's, "Oh my God, I'm gay." See a girl, get turned on, and it's, "Oh my God, I'm straight."
"It's not that easy, you know," Jared said, settling back on the bench, "You can't really determine your sexuality by who you have sex with."
Alex looked at him, mouth opening in protest.
Jared held up a hand, forestalling what he was going to say. "Yeah, yeah, or who you think you want to do it with. Truth is, if a guy lets his little head take charge, he'll screw anything, especially when he's fifteen."
Alex rubbed his palms along his thighs. "I don't get it, I thought guy on guy sex was being gay," he said.
Jared thought for a minute. "Ok, take those idiots online, posting videos. Not that you've ever seen them, being so innocent and all. But there are guys screwing watermelons, to name a tame item. So what does that say about their sexual orientation?"
"That they are some kinda losers." Clark dropped beside Jared on the bench, edging him closer to Alex. Clark sprawled beside them, digging into his bag of duck chow. "I told him he's still gay, but he's confused. Don't know why. The only person he really wants to fuck is…"
Alex leaned past Jared and punched Clark hard in the leg.
"How many times do I have to tell you to shut it?" Alex flopped back against the bench, and Clark shut it, tossing a handful of feed to the ducks.
"Well, Clark's right, they probably are losers, but useful at the moment because they prove my point. Little head is so eager to do his thing that he messes with big head. Guys do stupid stuff, like drill holes in watermelons, or screw the stuffing in a turkey." He had more to say, but Clark stared at him in horror.
"Dude, did he eat it?" Clark sounded so aghast that Jared had to laugh.
"Served it to guests, I believe." Jared teased. Clark gagged, and Alex looked a bit pale around the gills.
"That is sort of nasty," Alex said. "Why would a guy wake up and say, "I think I'll screw the turkey today?"
"Ah, yeah, that's my point, I doubt he got up and said that. I think it's more like, 'Dude, that turkey is warm and that stuffing is soft. I wonder how it'd feel if I… ahhhhh'." Jared tried to say it with a straight face, but with teenage boys groaning, howling, and falling off the edge of the bench, it proved impossible. The ducks were very interested in Clark rolling around, losing duck chow everywhere, and when he finally came to a stop one perched on his butt. He lay on his stomach staring up at Jared.
"We did not need a blow by blow description," he said.
"Blow!" Alex yelled, and they both lost it again.
Jared sat on the bench, looking over the pond while they rolled around his feet.
"So what's wrong with me?" Alex sat up, crossing his legs Indian style.
"Where to start," Jared muttered, and Alex glared. Clark barked another laugh. "Alex, you have to stop judging yourself by the standards of society. Try pretending being gay is the same as being straight. Because
it is, you know. Only society makes a difference between them, but you have to learn to accept yourself. Stop worrying about 'what' you are. Straight guys never think about it. You have to believe that being gay is normal. Really believe it, and you'll be fine." Jared met Alex's eyes, trying not to get lost in the incredible rich color. He couldn't afford that. "Society says if you have intercourse with men, and you are a man, then you're gay. That's flawed logic. If guys can screw watermelons and turkeys, then gay guys can do girls and straight ones can make it with guys. It's what's going on in your head that defines your orientation." Jared leaned forward. "Where do you see yourself in ten years, Alex? When you fantasize about your future, who are you with? Those things, more than anything else, reveal your orientation."
Alex looked at Jared, his eyes thoughtful. Clark grabbed for the Frisbee and jumped up, shedding duck chow and ducks. Alex got to his feet, dusting off his jeans.
"In ten years, I'll be a graduate of MIT. I'll have my degree in architecture, and I'll be partners with the best contractor in the business." His eyes glinted with mischief, and something more, something a little darker and a whole lot more dangerous. He held Jared's gaze. "And I'll wake up every morning next to you."
Clark winked. "Told you he was still gay." They took off across the grass.
Clark wouldn't throw the Frisbee, so Alex tackled him. Jared stared after them, but his attention fixed on Alex. Jared indulged himself, watching Alex play, the movement of his body, the flash of the sun on his dark curls, and his smile that lit the world. After a few minutes, he laughed, bringing his flighty thoughts back to reality. Alex was fifteen. His dreams would change a hundred times before realizing one. When he was grown and ready for a lover, Jared would be a thing of his past.
"Jared, come on!" Alex yelled, and even though the books needed balancing before Monday, Jared played Frisbee with the boys.
Wisdom
"I saw you at the ice cream shop the other day."
Jared met his mother's eyes across the table. They ate lunch together several times a week, a habit Jared enjoyed.
"And you didn't offer to buy me a cone?" he teased, flashing his smile.
They were at her favorite restaurant, a small English pub that served wonderful food in an intimate atmosphere. Even at midday, the lighting subdued, a single lamp cast an island of light around their table.
"You weren't alone," she said, concern evident in her eyes and her tone. But she didn't pry. His mother never did.
"Alex," Jared said, wondering exactly what he revealed in how he said the name. It was too familiar on his tongue. He tried to keep a grip on his feelings for Alex but was sinking a little deeper every day, his heart more entangled with each meeting. "It's nothing, Mom, just a kid I met a few weeks ago. I hang out with him and his friend sometimes. I wouldn't let it be anything else."
She didn't comment. Her eyes, the same blue as his, said it all. Jared took a bite of his baked potato, but it tasted like sawdust in his mouth. He didn't want to lie to his mother, silence was safer. She reached across the table to lay her hand on his arm, her touch as gentle and reassuring as when he was a boy.
"I know that, Jared. You are too good a man to do…" She stopped short, but it hung unspoken between them, 'to do what David did to you.'
It was something Jared tried to erase from his memory. The older man had taken him under his wing when Jared was sixteen, and under the guise of mentoring him, David encouraged Jared's budding sexuality. He said everything Alex wanted to hear from Jared. Words of love and promises he didn't mean. After the sacrificing of Jared's innocence, David disappeared.
"It's okay, Mom, I've dealt with it." Jared covered her hand with his, aware how rough his touch must feel on her soft skin. Construction wasn't a gentle way to earn a living. She smiled, staring at his hand.
"You have your father's hands," she said, "and his heart. Jared, I'm not worried that you'll do anything inappropriate or hurt that boy. I'm worried that you don't guard yourself as carefully as you do others. You are in love with him. Maybe no one else sees it, but I do. What will you do when he grows up?"
Holding her gaze, Jared gave her the only answer he could. The truth.
"I'll let him go."
The Inevitable
"Jared!"
The door to Jared's office flew open, banging against the wall behind it. Jared's head jerked up. His office was in his garage, open to the public, but it was rare for anyone to show up there. He did the lion's share of his business over the phone. Alex burst into the room, his eyes wide with panic. Alarmed, Jared rushed to meet him. The distressed teenager threw himself into Jared's arms, clinging to him.
"Don't let him, Jared. You have to tell him he can't do it. You have to help me!" He was crying and out of breath, making it impossible for Jared to make heads or tails of what he was trying to say.
"Here, Alex, sit down and calm down. No one is going to hurt you. I'll get you some water." When Jared returned with the bottle of water, Alex was calmer. He took a long drink and dashed the tears from his eyes.
"I knew you'd help me," he said with a little hiccup. His eyes were red rimmed from crying, but Jared couldn't see any sign of an injury.
He leaned back on the edge of his desk, close to Alex. "Help you? What's wrong?" Jared asked. "Did someone hurt you?"
"It's my dad." Tears threatened again, and Alex scrubbed at his eyes furiously.
"Your dad hurt you?" Jared leaned over Alex and cupped his chin, lifting the boy's face to look again for signs of abuse.
"No," Alex pulled away, shifting in his chair. "Yes. I mean, he didn't hit me, or anything. It's just, he's sending me away. He can't do it! I won't go! I won't. You have to stop him, Jared. I can't leave. I can't."
Jared stared at Alex, overwhelmed by the flood of mixed emotions brought on by his words. Sharp tearing pain at the thought of Alex leaving, warred with the relief that he wouldn't have to keep fighting his baser instincts. Jared didn't have time to indulge his inner turmoil, Alex needed him. He grabbed his desk chair and pulled it around to sit in front of Alex.
"Alex, you have to calm down. Tell me what happened." Jared's calm had the desired effect on the boy. Alex took another drink of water and a deep breath.
"I want to go to MIT," Alex said, "Dad says that my school here isn't preparing me for the demands of a college like that. He found some high school he wants me to go to, to get me ready for it."
"A prep school," Jared said, and Alex nodded.
"Yeah, that's what he called it. A prep school. He said if I go, college won't be such a struggle for me. He tried to make it sound all about school, but I think he knows about us." Alex's breathing quickened. He looked close to another panic attack. Jared wasn't about to let him run.
"We're just friends, Alex, it's not a secret," Jared reminded him.
It was a partial truth. They didn't hide their meetings. Jared made sure when he was with the boys, they weren't alone. However, he'd never tried to meet Alex's parents. He thought Alex would introduce them when he was ready. He never had.
"It doesn't matter, he knows. He said I need time away to get my head straight and figure out my life." Alex's hands fisted. "I know what I want. I don't need time."
Agitated, Jared ran a hand through his hair. "Of course you need time, you're fifteen. You aren't living your adult life, you're just on the edge of it."
Anger darkened Alex's eyes. "You sound like him."
Jared didn't back down. "That's because he makes sense, and if his motives aren't pure, well, whose are?" Jared was harsher than he meant to be, his love for Alex a guilty weight in his heart. He wanted to be there for him, to help him find his place in life, but it wasn't selfless motivation. He loved Alex, wanted him. Those things made him an undue influence in the boy's life. Getting him away was the best thing, and doing it without mention of the Alex's sexuality was compassionate and brilliant. Jared was impressed.
Alex was not. "You want me to leave! You're tired of me, and
you want me to go away!" He jumped up, but Jared pushed him back into the chair with a firm hand on his shoulder.
"Listen to yourself, Alex. You sound like a ten year old. I don't want you to leave, and if I live to be a hundred and twenty, I couldn't get tired of you. The thing is, we can rant and rail all we want, but it comes down to one thing. You can't stop it, and neither can I. He's your father. He can send you to prep school if that's his decision. You can't choose to go or stay, that's out of your hands, but you do have a choice. You can choose how you'll go. Are you going to leave screaming, yelling, and throwing tantrums like a two year old, or are you going to accept your fate with quiet dignity like a man? This is a huge opportunity. You can waste it with childishness, or you can make the most of it."
"You make it sound easy," Alex grumbled, sinking into his chair. The tantrum was over and he was listening.
"It's not easy. Stuff like this never is. A year and a half ago, I was in college. One day, they came, got me out of class, and took me to a counselor's office. My mom was on the phone when I got there. My father had a heart attack and he died. It was hard. I lost my best friend that day. It took a little longer for me to realize the rest." He gave Alex a steady look. "I lost my life. College was over. I had to come home and take over the business. The contracting company was my mother's sole support, and it was putting me through college. Dad wanted me to graduate and come back as a full partner. Instead, my father was gone, and I was the sole owner at nineteen. I had to make a choice and I did. I accepted the change in my plans and I've made the most of it. It's not easy, but it was the right thing to do." Silence fell between them.
"Telling me about your dad dying isn't playing fair," Alex muttered. "And you always do the right thing. It's pretty annoying, really."
Jared huffed out a laugh. "I'm evil that way. Look, Alex, I'm not suggesting that what's happening to you is the same as me losing my dad, but leaving is going to affect your life just as drastically. I don't always do the right thing, but I try. I know you've heard that saying about how women have to be twice as good as a man before they are accepted as an equal. That's true about us too. People have odd ideas about gay men. We're the only ones who can teach them better. I told you before, we have to be twice as strong, twice as brave, just to get half the credit. It's even worse for you because you're still so young. Your parents see a boy, show them the man."