by Diane Adams
Dear Dad,
I called Jared on Saturday. Don't worry, he gave me the whole 'you need to call your parents' speech and I promised Mom in her letter that I'll call next Saturday. I needed some advice, that's why I called him. I asked about telling you some stuff about myself, but Jared said you already know. It's not his fault that he told me. He doesn't lie and when I asked if it would be okay to write and tell you, he told me you stopped by to see him. So I guess it's okay to say it?
I'm gay.
That's the closest I've come to saying it out loud. It doesn't come up in conversation. Everyone assumes I'm straight, especially now, with the shaved head and all. I have a weird reputation for being tough and rebellious. This girl attached herself to me and is showing me the ropes. I think she wants to show me some other stuff, but so far I've managed to put her off. There's a club for gay students here, and one for straight and gay kids. They even call it The Straight Gay Alliance. I think someone watched too much Queer as Folk. They offer counseling too. I was surprised at first, but when Jared told me what was up, I realized something. You did it on purpose. You didn't just send me here for academics. You chose this school for everything it can offer me.
Jared was right again, he always is. He believed you were doing what you thought was best for me. I'm glad you met Jared. I hope you like him. I do. He makes me want to be better than I am. I want to annoy people by being right all the time, too. Ha, ha, Dad, that was a joke. I'm plenty annoying without ever being right! You know, Jared is a lot like you. One day I will be too.
I love you, Dad.
Alex
PS, there's school stuff in Mom's letter at home.
Satisfaction and pride swelling his heart, Frank returned the letter to its envelope and tucked it into the interior pocket of his sport coat. His boy was growing into a man, a damn fine one. A weight of worry evaporated from his shoulders and Frank smiled.
* * * *
A letter from Alex. Grinning, Clark shoved it into his pocket. He'd read it later. It was probably filled with Alex whining about missing Jared and how much his life sucked. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. All the guy talked about before he left was how miserable life would be without being able to see Jared. Clark was on his way to visit the poor neglected boyfriend. The idiot seemed convinced Alex would find his true love at his new school and moped around like someone had killed his best friend. He was Jared's self appointed cheerer-upper, determined to help Jared through Alex's absence.
"Honey, I'm home!" Clark yelled, waltzing uninvited through Jared's front door.
Jared looked up from the letter in his hands and glared. "That was not a knock. Didn't we talk about this?"
"Yup, I listened and everything. That makes you special, 'cause mostly when grownups talk I hear 'blahblahblahblah'." Clark sprawled on the couch. "You got a letter too, what's it say?"
Putting the letter aside, Jared shrugged. "He misses me." The muscles in Jared's jaw bunched and he took a deep breath. "I'll get you a drink."
Frowning, Clark watched Jared enter the kitchen. He was grouchier than ever. Deciding a good TV show was in order as a distraction, Clark searched for the remote, digging deep in the sides of the recliner. The letter sat silent on the table beside the chair, and tempted Clark to take a peek. Clark felt his pocket and noted his own letter was fat, quite a bit more than a single page. He didn't get it, figuring Alex would blab at least as much to Jared, what with the lovey-dovey stuff and all. Unable to resist, he unfolded Jared's letter. It was a mess. The paper fibers were rough and broken from an eraser, smudged with suspicious water marks, a silent testimony to Alex's insecurity.
Dear Jared,
I miss you.
Alex
Frowning, Clark refolded the letter and put it back where he got it. The physical evidence of his friend's pain was disturbing. Clark doubted the letter in his pocket bore marks of either water or eraser. He didn't really get what was going on with Alex, not the love or the gay. Looking was one thing, he loved how girls looked, but getting all tangled up with one was something else. Clark wasn't ready for it, covering up his insecurity with loud talk and involving himself in Alex's life. Losing Alex was like losing an arm and Clark was glad Jared was there. Missing Alex was easier shared, but for the first time Clark wondered what the separation was like for them. Understanding they missed each other was different than… he touched the letter and glanced towards the kitchen door. Jared was taking a long time. Stuffing his hands into his pockets Clark went to see what he was doing.
Jared stood at the counter, his back to the door. His white knuckled grip on the edge seeming the only thing holding him up. The sight stopped Clark in his tracks. Not realizing he'd made any noise he was surprised when Jared turned to face him. Written in Jared's eyes was the naked truth of what it cost him to let Alex go. A tear escaped his tight control, tracking down his cheek. Clark crossed the room and wrapped him in a tight hug before he realized what his own intentions were.
"He's coming back." Clark's voice broke. Jared hugged him tight before ruffling his hair and stepping away. Jared's returning smile was a shadow of its normal self, but comforting for Clark to see.
"Of course he is. He'll be back before we know it. Let's go get something to eat and catch a movie."
Clark hesitated. He wanted to go home and read his letter, but suspected Jared's composure was a thin façade so he grinned instead. "Sounds great, but we better not eat at the Greasy Dog again, my mom has been bitching about how I eat."
"No problem. We'll hit Joe's Crab Shack. Sound good to you?" Jared asked, grabbing his keys and his jacket.
"You buy dinner and I'll get the movie. Do you think I can have lobster at Joe's?" He ducked the predictable swat Jared took at the back of his head.
"You can have whatever you want. I'll eat my weight in movie popcorn and you'll be in debt for a year."
Groaning in faked dismay, Clark pretended he didn't notice the forced edge to Jared's laugh. Whistling, he followed Jared out the door. The two didn't have much in common. He didn't really like seafood and Jared's favorite kind of movies weren't the stupid comedies Clark loved, but sharing Alex was enough to forge a friendship.
"Just for that I'm gonna get the twenty pounder and drown it in butter." Clark threatened.
This time Jared's laugh was real.
* * * *
Dude,
You'd love this school. There are some really hot girls here. One even adopted me. She's showing me the ropes. She's got tits to make you drool. I swear, man, none of the girls at home have boobs like her. She keeps leaning them on me. I wonder if it's a test. I think I failed. You can ask Jared for me, is it bad if boobs on my arm make my dick hard? I don't know man, sometimes I think I'll screw a girl just so I can get laid. I know, gay, right? But the guys are just not happening. I went out a couple times. I know Jared wants me to, but I give up. They all act like you, haha.
Do good boobs make up for hard work? If not, maybe you wouldn't like it so much. They work our butts off. I've never had to think so hard in my life. Even the math is hard. I dream about it. Numbers dance around in my dreams doing obscene things to each other. They expect numbers to fit together in ways I've never thought about. I'd explain but I can see your eyes glazing from here.
It's really not bad here, Clark. If you were here it'd even be fun. We could go to the gay support group together and I'd introduce you to Boobs. Did you get laid yet? If you did, or do, you better write me right away. I can't believe we're both still virgins. It's not right.
The letter went on for two more pages and it wasn't until the end that Alex broke down and asked about Jared.
I miss him, Clark. Every single second. I knew it was going to be bad, I told you so. I didn't know it would be this bad. I'm scared when I write to him. I don't know what to say. If I say too much he'll just do that Jared thing. You know the one, where he's so old and I'm so young and we can't be a couple right now. I'm afraid if I don't say
enough he'll think I forgot about him. That I moved on or some stupid crap. It's horrible. Then I have time alone to think about him and remember and it's wonderful again. I'm so confused and it hurts so much, but there's Jared and it's worth it.
God, Clark, get laid, but whatever you do, don't fall in love.
Later dude,
Alex
Letters and Lessons
"Oooooh, Clark's got a leeettter!" a voice taunted and a hand jerked the notebook paper from Clark's grasp. Clark's face flushed red and he jumped up.
"Give it back! Give it back now!" Clark was desperate to get Alex's letter back, because Alex was in the habit of spilling his guts to Clark in those letters. The strapping jock turned to waggle his bottom at Clark.
"What's the matter, Clarkie, miss your fuck buddy? You need a new faggot to play with?"
Clark lunged after the letter but the boy held it high, out of reach. Clark guessed that was better than reading it but not as good as getting it back.
"You offering?" he smart-mouthed, but couldn't suppress a shudder at the idea of being intimate with Kasey.
"Ha-ha, you wish, pansy boy." Kasey moved back a couple steps, trying to get enough space between him and Clark to read the letter.
"Sure, I wish, if I had a couple bags, one for your head and one for my barf," Clark shot back, and Kasey turned an impressive shade of purple.
His temper was legendary. Clark wasn't a little guy, but he was smaller than the school's star linebacker. His teasing Clark and Alex dated back to grade school. Clark wasn't intimidated. He didn't play organized sports, but he liked to play rough, and when he unexpectedly hit Kasey with a full body tackle, the other boy went down hard. Clark got the letter, crammed it into his pocket. When the staff pulled them apart, he didn't explain why he was fighting, because someone would want to see the letter.
Clark didn't protest when Kasey said Clark started it. The assistant principal sent him home with two days suspension for unprovoked fighting in school. It was the third time since Alex left that he'd been in a fight. Alex being gay was an open secret among the kids. Everyone knew it, but no one talked about it. It just was. Clark didn't know why everyone accepted Alex just fine when he'd been there, but Kasey seemed intent on busting Clark's balls now that Alex was gone. Fielding so much gay bashing without anyone at his back wasn't much fun.
* * * *
Clark sat at the bar separating Jared's kitchen from his dining room, looking glum. Jared was fixing dinner for them, something he did most weekends and some nights. Clark was around a lot since making it his personal duty to keep Jared cheered up. Something he was failing miserably at that night.
"Talk about it?" Jared asked, stirring the spaghetti sauce. It was one meal Clark and he agreed on, if Jared left out the onions and mushrooms.
"God, no." Clark munched on celery he stole from the fridge, despite his claim that eating celery had to be the gayest thing ever. "All Mom did was talk, and then Dad fussed at me, and then Mom some more. They blame Alex's dad." Clark grinned around his celery.
Jared chuckled and shook his head. "What were you fighting about?" he asked, reaching for the garlic Clark had chopped for him and tossed it into the sauce.
"I don't even know. Kasey has some fixation on Alex being gay. Maybe it's suppressed attraction. I think Kasey wants me to fuck him."
Jared frowned. "Language, gutter-boy," he cautioned.
Clark rolled his eyes. "Yeah, fine, whatever. You sound more like a mom than my mom does."
He patted the pocket where Alex's letter rested, smoothed and folded, safe and sound. Alex was homesick, and he missed Clark, but missing Jared was about to undo him. Alex was coming home for Christmas and Clark was helping plan a surprise. He figured with him and Alex teamed up, Jared didn't have a chance. They had everything worked out. Jared thought Alex wouldn't be home for Christmas, the only thing left was for Clark to get Jared to throw a party Christmas Day.
"What?" Lost in thought, Clark wasn't sure he heard Jared's last statement correctly.
"I said you have too much time on your hands. You need a job."
Clark made a face. "I don't need a job, Pops has plenty." Clark pulled his wallet out, flashing some cash at Jared. He pulled out a card, "Plastic too."
Jared studied the full wallet. "Put that up, no one here is impressed. You need a job. It'll keep you out of trouble." Jared stirred the pasta and tested it, not quite finished. "We're working outside of town on some storage units. I'll pick you up after school tomorrow. Pay's ten bucks an hour and all the dirt you can carry."
Clark stared at him in disbelief. "Dirt?"
"Plenty of it," Jared assured him "Wear jeans, boots, and bring some gloves. But for now, grab a couple plates out of the dishwasher and set the table.”
Clark shuffled over to the dishwasher. "You used to be nice, and fun. Are you going to be nice again when Alex comes back to you?"
Jared strained the spaghetti. "Alex isn't 'coming back to me'. I'm sure he's got better fish to fry by now," Jared muttered.
Clark turned a level look on him. "If you believe that, you don't know Alex." He went to set the table.
New Rules
It was Clark's idea. Jared hadn't decided if he would congratulate him or choke him. Christmas hadn't been the best day for Jared. His visit with his mom was the highlight of his day and that had been hours ago. Now he was in the midst of the party Clark insisted was a good idea. Jared's work crew, grown to four full-time guys and Clark, were all single. When he took over the business, Jared had no choice but to downsize. His lack of experience and lack of credentials kept him from being able to fill his father's shoes. The experienced men had no trouble finding other work, the reputation of JD Construction created a high demand for those who previously worked there. Jared hired young men who could afford to live on what he could pay and dug in to rebuild.
"Dude, you're obligated to have a party," Clark had told Jared, "You have to give one."
"They get a bonus, that's enough." He hadn't added what was in his heart. No Alex, no party. He’d planned a nice Christmas night alone, curled up with some bad Sci-Fi movie and a lot of popcorn.
"Come on, it doesn't have to cost a lot. Have it at your house Christmas night. Everyone knows that Christmas Day is okay, but Christmas night is boring. They can bring their girls, or their beer, or whatever."
Jared had raised his brow and shoved Clark into a chair as he passed. "No beer for you, junior."
Clark had sprawled and pouted. "All the other dudes with old man friends get beer and all kinds of stuff."
Jared had laughed. "Get a new old man friend," he'd suggested. "Want some hot chocolate?"
That’d perked Clark up. "Yup. Do you have those little marshmallows? I like chocolate sprinkles." He’d followed Jared to the kitchen, taking his familiar spot on one of the bar stools. He’d watched Jared open the box and pull out an envelope. Jared had tossed it at him without looking and he'd snatched it out of the air.
"Have at it, teeny marshmallows included."
Clark had made a face at the blue Swiss Miss package but had gotten up to fetch his own cup for the microwave.
To Jared's surprise, all the guys showed up for the party. Two brought girlfriends, and two were dating each other, which was news to Jared.
"I think there's a company policy against that," he muttered to Clark, watching them slow dance, nuzzling and kissing.
"Against being gay?" Clark gasped.
Jared slapped him on the back of his head. "Against employees hooking up," he said.
Clark glanced at the dancers. "What's that called? 'The anti-employee hook up clause'? Dude, that's just stupid, look at them. I think you're jealous."
Jared shook his head and went to check snack bowls. Clark was playing, but sometimes his teasing hit too close to home. Jared leaned on the doorjamb that led into the hallway, watching the party, when a body pressed against his. A sharp chin came to rest on his shoulder and arms wrapped tight around his
waist.
"Did you miss me?"
The breath was warm against Jared’s ear, a sensation that filled his dreams, but one he'd never actually experienced. Alex slipped around in front of him and met Jared's look of shocked surprise with a grin that made Jared's knees weak.
"Alex!" Even in his moment of surprise Jared remembered his restraint. He tousled curls that had grown back into their full glory instead of pulling Alex into the full body hug he really wanted. Unable to resist touching, despite his best intentions, Jared cupped Alex's smooth cheek unable to tear his gaze away. "I didn't know you were coming home."
Alex gave a half smile. "I wanted to surprise you," he said.
Clark was there, coming between them, wrapping his arms around their shoulders. "It's a surprise birthday party," he informed Jared as he guided them to stand in the middle of the room. "Alex is sixteen today, Jared, surprise! Oh! Look! Mistletoe!" His mission complete, Clark went to flop into a chair.
Jared's gaze remained fixed on Alex. "Sixteen, huh?" He studied Alex, noting the many changes. The young man was taller and filling out. He looked more like the man he was close to becoming than the boy he had been. Jared had a hard time keeping his hands to himself. Alex moved into Jared's personal space. Knowing he should take a step back, Jared stood frozen, unable to halt the erosion of his 'no touch' rule. He wanted Alex in his arms so much it was a physical ache.