“Jesus, Susie. I thought I’d lost you.” It was Nick, holding her, cradling her head in his palms. Whispering words of comfort. She held him tight, filled with relief. She had almost died in there. Would have died if they hadn’t rescued her. She was so happy to see him, so happy to have his hands stroking her hair.
“Did she hurt you?” he asked.
Rocket came over and licked her hand. Fresh tears flooded her eyes and she reminded herself murder was Nick’s job. She was a crime victim. It didn’t mean he loved her.
Blood trickled from his nose but he didn’t seem to notice. He watched her with panic-stricken eyes, the harsh angles of his face backlit with flames from the burning cottage. Her home. Dammit. She struggled to sit up, glancing across at Emily, who was fighting with Lily and Rafael. Rafael held on tight with an apprehensive glance at Nick.
“She deserved to die! She was nothing but a cheap slut,” Emily raged.
Susie flinched. Sweet Jesus.
“No one else cared about justice for Christina. I wanted that murdering bastard to rot in jail, but no one ever did anything. No one ever cared.” Emily started sobbing.
“Wait here. I’ll be back in a minute.” Nick started to get up but Susie grabbed his wrist.
“My dive cylinders are in there,” Susie warned Nick as he pulled away.
“Can’t you hear her?” Emily screamed, still struggling against Rafael’s grip. “Can’t you hear her calling?”
Suddenly Emily smacked Rafael in the balls and shoved Lily to her knees. Then she dashed back into the inferno.
“Bloody hell.” The look Nick sent Susie was as ancient as death. “I’ve got to go after her.”
He started jogging toward the blaze, silhouetted against orange and red.
She grabbed Rocket’s collar to stop him following his master. “No! Nick, please no.”
The front windows shattered, but Nick never flinched, never slowed. Rafael stumbled toward her, dragging a hysterical Lily by the waist, urging them all farther away from the intense heat. Nick braced himself at the doorway.
A heavyset Grim Reaper shot past them, racing toward the cottage. The Reaper tackled Nick to the ground, covering his body with his own just as the house exploded, cylinders shooting through the roof like grenades, landing on the beach like spent bombs.
Ewan held Nick around the chest, pinning his arms, struggling in a low crouch away from the flames. Lily stared at the blaze, tears streaming down her cheeks. Fire trucks shrieked in the distance. Ewan wiped his brow on the edge of his robe, smudging his face paint as he shoved Nick toward Susie.
“Are you hurt?” she asked. An ugly burn seared Nick’s cheekbone. Her voice sounded awful and she hacked, trying to get a clean breath. She took a step toward him before she remembered they weren’t lovers anymore. Beyond him, her home was a bonfire, reminiscent of an oversized jack-o’-lantern.
She didn’t know how to begin to grieve for Emily or her home.
“I’m fine.” Nick grabbed Ewan by his robe. “I should bloody thump you.” His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed. Then he hugged the other man hard. “You interfering bastard.”
They laughed and Susie started crying.
Nick turned to her. “What about you? Are you hurt?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really know what happened.” Susie wiped her cheeks. Then she started to sway. At least if she passed out she could avoid the embarrassment of being in love with the wrong guy. Memories drizzled back. “We had a drink and I fainted.” She frowned. “She must have drugged me.”
Nick took a step toward her, but she backed away with a funky little dance.
“Do you think she killed Tracy?” Susie asked.
“I think so.” Nick nodded, looking at Rafael who rocked Lily in his arms even though she fought and struggled like a wildcat.
Susie looked at what was left of her home. There was no way Emily survived that, nothing could survive that.
“To frame Jake Sizemore because I’d convinced her he’d killed Chrissie.” Nick reached out to touch a strand of her hair. “If I hadn’t been so blind, I might have seen it sooner.”
The first fire truck arrived and men began rolling out hoses.
“Nobody could have predicted that, Nick. She seemed so normal.” She tried to swallow but her throat felt raw and her mouth tasted like the inside of a barbeque. “She seemed to think Christina was still alive and that I was trying to steal you from her.”
Nick nodded. No emotion. No grief. “Hardly worth it, am I?” He looked away as if to save her from disagreeing.
He had no clue that the few days and nights she’d spent with him were some of the best of her life. He’d taught her that her sins weren’t as bad as she’d always believed and instilled in her some badly needed self-esteem.
Hoses started to spray water at her house but it was too late. It was completely gutted.
Tremors started in the back of Susie’s knees and worked their way up each muscle block. Nick rubbed his palms on his thighs, looking as if he’d rather be on the moon.
“It’s okay, Nick. You don’t have to stick around and play nursemaid.” She shot Ewan a grateful smile as he wrapped a beefy arm around her shoulders, holding her up. She could love this man, the man who’d saved Nick from sacrificing himself on the altar of his dead wife. But she’d never love Ewan the way she loved Nick Archer. Holding back annoying tears, she smiled up at Ewan.
“I need to get checked out by a doc, but I know you have work to do. Maybe Rafael can drive me and Lily to the hospital?” Susie glanced at Lily, who had finally quieted in Rafael’s arms. Poor, poor girl.
A line of police cars and more fire trucks raced toward them, blue and red lights flashing over fields. “Or we could wait at the other cottage.” Susie tilted her chin carefully toward Lily.
Nick looked uncertainly between the oncoming squad cars and Susie. She kept her smile bright even though it hurt, knowing he was torn between duty and guilt. Guilt seemed to be Nick Archer’s middle name.
“Just send the ambulance over…” She ruined perfect logic by fainting in Ewan’s arms.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Susie woke and saw Leanne asleep in a chair beside her. She eased onto her elbows and reached over to take a sip of water from the glass on the bedside table. A large hand took the glass, cupped the back of her head and held the straw to her lips. Startled, she looked up and found Nick leaning over her. He wore clean jeans and a fresh rugby jersey, his face clean-shaven, green eyes grim but relieved.
The bed sagged as he sat down beside her, his hip brushing hers. He smiled, just a slight crinkling of the lines around his eyes. Probably because she was such a complete and utter mess.
“Emily?” she mouthed. He shook his head and sadness flashed through her. Grief had twisted Emily’s mind, and though the experience had terrified her, Susie understood the power of that mother-child bond.
But what about Lily? Why hadn’t Emily been able to overcome her grief for the good of her living daughter?
“Have another drink of water.”
Leanne started to snore, looking extremely uncomfortable on the square-backed hospital chair.
Susie obeyed. The cold liquid helped to drown the smoky taste from her mouth. She reached out to touch him, but there was an IV in her right hand. Ouch.
“How’s the head?” Nick whispered. “Can you talk or are you punishing me with silence for being such a stupid prick?” His breath caressed her cheek and his lips were only an inch from hers.
She knew she was staring when he leaned back, still holding the glass, and stroked her cheek. Her head didn’t hurt at all. Her brain felt entirely disconnected from her body so she figured drugs were taking care of everything except the heartache.
“It’s never going to work out between us, you know.” Nick put the cup on the side and leaned close once more.
Tears welled up in her eyes. She nodded.
He smelled fantastic, she smelled l
ike a chimney stack.
“You’re a liability. Two near-death experiences in six months? I’ll need danger money just to hang around you.”
Her heart squeezed because he was talking in present tense, a difference in vernacular that branded her heart with pain all over again. He held her hands. “Susie, I can’t get married again. Ever.” He looked away quickly. She closed her eyes, squeezed them shut because surely she was imagining him here, hurting her all over again. “If that doesn’t bother you, maybe we could…you know…date.” He rose and paced the floor, the sun glistening in his hair like frosted gold. “See how things go.”
“If that’s your idea of a proposal, you suck.” Leanne wasn’t asleep anymore. She was wide awake and had a protective glint in her eye that strongly hinted at mama bear. “You should be begging Susie to live with you and bear your children.”
Susie opened her mouth to speak.
“Why the fuck would she want me?”
The f-bomb sounded just a little too loud in the quiet of the hospital and even Nick glanced at the door with a wince. Leanne rolled her eyes and stretched out her arms in a catlike movement that made Susie feel as stiff as a brick.
“Don’t be pathetic. Susie doesn’t need pathetic. She’s had enough of those losers. She needs a real man.” Leanne shot her a look to tell her to keep her mouth shut and Susie complied. “Why can’t you get married again? Just because it didn’t work out with your first wife, more than a decade ago, doesn’t mean it won’t work out with Susie. Susie,” she said with enough conviction to drill a hole in the wall, “deserves the full package. The whole enchilada, baby. A man big enough to deal with his mistakes and give her the family she’s always craved. It’s not her fault your first wife screwed around on you—and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t your fault either.” Leanne’s voice dropped. “But Susie would never do that. Think about it.” She headed for the door. “I’m gonna see if she’s here yet.”
Nick watched her leave, but when he turned back to face Susie there was fear in his eyes.
He was terrified of her.
A horrified laugh escaped. Just what she needed, to be another chain of responsibility around his neck. She held up her left hand. “You don’t have to do this, Nick. I know you feel guilty about what happened with Emily, but it wasn’t your fault.”
“It was my fault, but that isn’t why I’m here.” The smile on his face was gentle and full of something that looked startlingly like love. It pierced her with tentative hope and she looked away.
She played with the bedcovers, too nervous to hold his gaze, too unsure of herself to trust her instincts. “Why are you here, then? For forgiveness? I forgive you, now leave me alone.” Her voice dropped to a wretched whisper. “Please.”
He crossed to the window, then back to the bed, running his hands through his hair until it stuck up in all directions.
“I’m damaged, Susie. I’m damaged and I’m scared. I held on to the anger and guilt of losing Chrissie for so long, I don’t even know who I am anymore.” He pressed his fingers to his temples. “When I fell in love with her, I was a kid who didn’t have a clue about what he was doing.” The fact he was talking about his feelings for his dead wife held her rapt. “She was the first person who ever loved me back. That’s why I fell so hard. That’s why I never got over it. That’s why I’m so scared right now I feel like I’m having a stroke.” He stepped closer and cupped her cheek. “You scare the hell out of me, Susie Cooper. Relationships scare the hell out of me because I always end up back where I started, with nothing.”
Emotion crowded Susie’s throat. He stroked her hair and she tried not to cry. She gripped his wrist with strong fingers because no matter what she said, she didn’t want him to leave.
“I told you I don’t do long term, Susie.” His eyes focused on her and she wanted to look away but was caught by the intensity in those green depths. “But for the first time since I met Chrissie, I want to give it a shot. No secrets, no lies, nothing between us but the truth. I love you.”
He kissed her, his lips moving over hers gently at first, deepening until she could taste the truth. Everything he felt was in that kiss. Hope. Fear. Desire. And love. He loved her. He did.
Joy burst through Susie like the birth of a new star.
“I can’t imagine life without you, and if you want me, I’ll do my best to be the man you want me to be.”
Tears dripped down her cheeks and onto their joined hands. Man, she had to get control of herself. “I love you, Nick.” The words were so often used casually, but had the power to heal and destroy in equal measure. “You’re already the man I want you to be.” He dipped his head to kiss her again but reality hit Susie square in the face and she drew back. “There is something that might make you change your mind, though.”
“The fact your mother is running for president?”
She shook her head, although that would put off most people. “Something else.” She squeezed his fingers, knowing he’d want to bolt. “I already told you I wanted a family. I don’t care about a ring. But I do care about a baby and if you can’t give me that, or don’t want to be involved, I’m going to a sperm bank to take care of it on my own.”
“What?” Nick’s eyes widened in surprise. She didn’t think she’d ever seen him taken aback before. “A sperm bank? You?”
She didn’t need a man to have a baby, but she wanted one. She wanted Nick Archer. “I want to give us a chance, but I’m going to try for a baby. Either with you—” her voice broke, “—or through artificial insemination, or maybe adoption. I’m not sure yet.”
He pulled away. Stood up to go stare out the window.
She forced back the compromise that wanted to squeeze out of her throat. Words that would bind him to her side in the short term but destroy her in the long term. “I could pretend for a little while that having a child wasn’t important to me.” She cleared her throat. “But after a few months it would eat me up.”
He looked petrified and she understood because this was a huge step for anyone, let alone someone as isolated and independent as Nick Archer. But nearly dying—again—had reinforced her clarity about what she wanted, and why she shouldn’t hesitate or pretend. She had one life and she intended to live it.
“I love you. I really love you, but—” Everything she’d been through in the last few days hit her with the force of a bullet and a sob ripped out. She sank her face against her drawn-up knees. She was pushing him for something he didn’t want to give, and she was going to lose him all over again.
She didn’t hear him approach but she felt the mattress give when he took his place at her side.
His hand rubbed her back, warm against the bare skin where her hospital gown gaped. “What if it all goes wrong? What if we have a kid and then we can’t stand the sight of each other?”
Her heart hurt and pity welled because that was what had happened to him. She raised her head. “I’ll love him or her anyway, Nick. I’ll give them all I can and hope it’s enough. And despite what you think, you’d do exactly the same thing.”
He held her hand, playing with her fingers, not looking at her. The lines around his eyes were cut deep with exhaustion. She didn’t even know what day it was. “I only know what not to do with a kid—”
“That’s a start.” She squeezed his hand hard. He seemed to be withdrawing into himself, his eyes losing focus and she didn’t know how to reach him.
“You said I was a good person, on the beach, do you remember?” She waited for his curt nod. “You said I needed to forgive myself for giving up my baby.” She took a quick breath. “Well, you’re a good person too, Nick, and you need to forgive yourself for all the mistakes you’ve made in your past.”
Hope warred with insecurity in the depths of his eyes. “You’d risk it? With me? I almost got you killed once and there are plenty of things in my past—”
“I’d risk it.” She bumped his shoulder with her own. “I don’t intend to waste another minute s
earching for something I’ve already found.” She waited for him to either run away or kiss her. They had the opportunity to try and build something together, but would he take the chance?
They stared at each other for long seconds, both searching for answers.
His Adam’s apple bobbed rapidly. Then his eyes suddenly sparked with some inner light, as if he’d finally let himself believe he had a right to happiness. “Our daughter would be beautiful, just like you.” He touched the end of her hair.
“Maybe she’d have her daddy’s green eyes…” Emotion clogged her chest.
There was a knock on the door and Susie adjusted the shoulders of her hospital gown as Rafael and Lily came into the room, holding hands. Nick rose to his feet. No one said anything for a moment, the weight of grief palpable across the narrow confines of the room. Then Nick held open his arms for Lily.
For a half second she remained frozen and then she gave a wretched cry and threw herself into Nick’s embrace.
Tears threatened again. Susie didn’t know how she was going to cope with the overload of emotion that kept bombarding her today.
When Lily stopped crying she wiped her cheeks on Nick’s shirt. She moved closer to the bed, her head bowed. “I am so sorry about what my mother tried to do to you, Dr. Cooper. I had no idea…” The raw anguish in Lily’s voice, coupled with the vulnerability of her gaunt face, was enough for Susie to hold out her hand. It took a moment for Lily to respond, her fingers deathly cold to the touch.
“Your mother was sick, Lily—”
“But I should have known—”
“Let it go, Lily,” Nick said firmly. “We’re not responsible for what your mother did and thankfully Susie survived.” And as he met her gaze, she realized he finally believed it. “It’s time to move on from the past.” Lily’s gaze shot between them, reading the implication behind the words. Her smile was sad. “I’ll find a new supervisor.”
“You don’t have to.” Susie hadn’t even thought about her students since this whole ordeal began. “In fact, I forbid it.” Although Lily must know she could do no such thing. She bit her lip. “Unless you can’t stand being reminded of what happened.”
Sea of Suspicion Page 26