by Sunil Wagh
Doctors and Kidney
In the operation theater two doctors are discussing over a seemingly unconscious patient...
Doctor1: This looks good place to cut. The meat is soft and tender here.
Doctor2: Cut it a little higher please, he will then stay longer in hospital and be under our care.
Doctor1: Yes you are right doctor; you have the business thing inside you. Shortest path is for engineers we have the longest path algorithm to solve the problem. No wonder engineers get paid so less.
Doctor2: My dad wanted me to become a business man and I wanted to become a doctor. So we had a deal and hence on becoming a doctor, so I opened this hospital.
Doctor1: Wow! I mean wow!!
Patient: Excuse me!!
Doctor1: What! You are awake?
Doctor2: Count till 10 and you will fall sleep. You can even count sheep , we won't tell anyone. Anesthesia will work.
Patient: They have not injected me yet.
Doctor1: Oh OK!! Let me call the anesthetic
Doctor2: Sir, you are great , you are going to donate your kidney today.
Patient: What? No. I have come to remove appendix.
Doctor1: Oh Ok! Nice joke. You got me. Appendix!! He He!! (Quietly looks at the report). Yes appendix. Lie down.
(Doctor1 takes the other doctor to a corner)
Doctor1: He came for appendix and we were going to remove his kidney
Doctor2: Oh! I thought it is bone marrow donation.
Doctor1: What? You missed it by a distance. At least kidney is near.
Doctor2: Now what should we do. We both don't know how to remove appendix.
Doctor1: He will sue us if we don't remove his appendix.
Doctor2: OK we will try.
Doctor1: You know what it looks like.
Doctor2: Lets Google. You meanwhile put him to sleep.
Doctor1: How, by singing a lullaby? The Anesthetic is on leave.
Doctor2: I think he looking for jobs. We have not paid him like forever.
Doctor1: He expects to get paid as if he is a real one.
Doctor2: Ok I will put him to sleep by popping sleeping pills.
(They both start to operate)
Doctor1: What about the other person whom we promised a kidney?
Doctor2: Oh! Yes! he will screw us!!
Doctor1: Let us remove this guy's kidney also. I don't think he will notice.
Doctor2: Yes he looks healthy. Doesn't drink or smoke so I think he would be fine.
Doctor1: Yes. I also think so.
Doctor2: So kidney it is!!
Doctor1: Yes and also the appendix.
Doctor2: I almost forgot!!
(They operate and on the day of discharge)
Patient: Thank you.
Doctor1: We should say thank you to you.
Patient: Why?
Doctor2: Oh! you were so calm , sleeping like an angel while we operating.
Doctor1: Yes
Patient: Thanks for the free breakfast every day.
Doctor2: Oh!! Don't mention it. We owe you something.
Patient: What?
Doctor1: Oh!! Doctor is kidding again. Of course! The payment for your stay, Sir.
Patient: Oh!! Yes!! Doctor I feel lighter for some reason.
Doctor2: Of course we have removed your appendix.
Patient: But I feel much lighter than that.
Doctor1: You will much lighter when you pay our charge.
Patient: Ha Ha! You people are so funny, I was so scared when you talked about removing my kidney that day.
Doctor2: Oh!! We were just joking. You really thought that we will take your kidney and give it to the person in the next room.
Patient: You know the other patient was also playing a prank on me, saying we are 'Kidney brothers'. I turned the joke on him by accepting that it is my kidney that he has. What a fool?
Doctor1: OK! Nice meeting you. Nurse, take him out please. Next!!
Insurance Agent
Somewhere in the future where space travel has become common and we have realized that humans are not alone in the universe an Insurance Agent meets an alien on an unknown and uncharted planet.
Alien: What are you?
Insurance Agent: I am a member of the most intelligent species on Earth.
Alien: Really!! Are you a rat? You don't look like one though.
Insurance Agent: I am not a rat. Humans are the most intelligent species and not rats.
Alien: Really!! Our encyclopedia says that humans are colonized by rats. Humans build houses for rates and grow food for rats. Whenever rats get pissed off with human they straighten them out with plague.
Insurance Agent: Well I never thought like that. You people have a great perspective. Actually they must talk about the sub species of humans called 'Poor People'. You see all humans are not equal and we have many sub species like Lawyers. Doctors, Politicians, Insurance Agents and poor people. There are many more but I can't recollect all of them. I am an Insurance Agent.
Alien: Wow!! We didn't know that! What is an Insurance Agent? Never heard of that one before.
Insurance Agent: It is completely normal an insurance agent always reaches the place where no insurance agent has been before. So it is not at all startling that you have not heard of me before. Your planet is beautiful!!
Alien: Yes it is.
Insurance Agent: Is that your son? The one with 4 legs and a beautiful hunch and has that green mucous coming out of it. What a handsome son? What a great palace you have?
Alien: Oh! You are very courteous. We heard the people of your species are rude.
Insurance Agent: Not the insurance agents.
Alien: How did you land here?
Insurance Agent: I like took two small asteroids and glued them on my ears. Then I stood on the intergalactic highway sobbing and waved hand to passing spaceships. One of them stopped and I told them that my only child is on your planet and is ill and this suitcase contains the medicine by which I can review her. That great person brought me here.
Alien: Where is he?
Insurance Agent: Oh!! He died of exertion due to the journey. We had very little food left and he gave me his share. I buried him and came here. What a great man?
Alien: You are kind too.
Insurance Agent: Yes but fate is not kind to him. You know if he could have just signed on one paper we would paid a million space dollars to his family.
Alien: Just like that! Free!
Insurance Agent: Yes, it is absolutely free.
Alien: Wow!! You people are so kind.
Insurance Agent: Look you have this palace, these children and so much property and say one day due to a mishap you are no longer there then who will take care of your sons and daughter. Or say you fall ill or say there is a meteor shower and only your house is destroyed then you need money to rebuild everything.
Alien: Yes I do.
Insurance Agent: My Company offers you all the money. It takes care of you under all circumstances. We call the money as Coverage.
Alien: Oh!! Wait so you are on the kind Gods for whom Earthlings keep on fighting with each other.
Insurance Agent: Something like that, you are right. God is the greatest insurance agent ever. It is just that most of times he sends the coverage money to the wrong beneficiary. We keep the money for ourselves if we don't find the right person but we don't allow your neighbor to make fun of you by giving it to someone else.
Alien: So if I sign the paper that you say I am protected.
Insurance Agent: Yes.
Alien: Wow!! Show me the paper.
Insurance Agent: Just one small thing.
Alien: What?
Insurance Agent: There is something know as premium. Benevolent people like us have given so much money to the poor and needy that we are not having enough so we ask each person pay a small amo
unt to us per month.
Alien: Sure.
Insurance Agent: The money you pay is obviously proportional to the money you would expect.
Alien: Wow so fair!!
Insurance Agent: Yes.
Alien: So who decides the premium?
Insurance Agent: Actually, first insurance was free and no one was required to pay any premium but then ‘The Big Bang’ happened and we are still paying to all the people who got affected. So now to shoulder the responsibility of that debt we are requesting for premium. We decide it because we know the logistics of this entire operation.
Alien: What happens if we stop paying?
Insurance Agent: Then just like a loving father denies food to his mischievous son, we don't pay you anything if something happens.
Alien: OK. Why can't the premium be voluntary?
Insurance Agent: Then it would be fair to make coverage voluntary also.
Alien: Oh yes!!
Insurance Agent: So what do you want to insure?
Alien: My house
Insurance Agent: How much is it?
Alien: A million space dollars.
Insurance (Calculates): For about a 1000 space dollars a month we will pay every penny if your house is destroyed due to any natural disaster.
Alien: But our government also would give us a new house if something happens.
Insurance Agent: What if there is no government?
Alien: Well we always have the government which pays our children's school, our health and much more.
Insurance Agent: How does your government afford that?
Alien: We invade and colonize other planets. It is simple.
Insurance Agent: Wow you have a real nice government.
Alien: So I don't need this.
Insurance Agent: Yes but if the government is not there and something happens then you want to be the only man smiling around. Don't you?
Alien: No it is too costly.
Insurance Agent: Well, allow me to sell you our Umbrella Policy, if anything happens to any one of you any time ,we cover you.
Alien: Wow!! That looks good. Is it for the same money?
Insurance Agent: For half of it but only on one condition. You help me find 10 more people like you and if you find more I will make you an agent yourself on this planet. I can assure you that there is not a single person alive who has issues with Insurance.
Alien: So how much do you make?
Insurance Agent: Nothing much I just owe a few miles of land in New York.
Alien: OK!! That is the most backward city in the universe.
Insurance Agent: Yes. But still I like to help people, so I do it.
Alien: Wow!! You are great man!! How do you plan to go back though?
Insurance Agent: I haven't thought of it. I always raise a family on whichever planet I come and stay there for a few years. Then I insure the whole planet and leave it. Coming to think of it you people closely resemble to some animals on our planet.
Alien: Yes, we are related to the roaches on your planet. As we age we become smaller in size, the size of a roach on your planet and so we send all the aged people to earth and other planets to live their life.
Insurance Agent: That's why the population of roaches keeps on increasing.
Alien: How do you treat them?
Insurance Agent: Well we treat people like roaches so you can guess how well we would be treating roaches.