“I know he will,” she snapped, crossing her arms across her chest.
“So why can’t you be happy about it? I thought you’d be thrilled,” he said, putting his hand on her knee.
She dashed it away and tried unsuccessfully to hide a sob that tore through her out of nowhere. “I don’t want to be separated. Robbie and I have always been a team. I can’t imagine being on the other side of the Atlantic from him.”
With the poise of a masterful tactician, Nate leaned towards her, so their faces were almost touching. “I had thought you would come with him, Missy.”
Missy sucked in a deep gulp of air. “Oh,” she breathed. She shook her head. “But... the babies...”
“You, the babies, your brother. You could all come to New York and live with me. Well, not your brother; I’ll buy him an apartment nearby.” He saw her face growing more and more panicked and he raised his hands to forestall her objections. “Listen to me, doc. I’ll hire a permanent live-in nurse for him, just to keep an eye on his health and well-being. You’ll be there. Better yet, he’ll be far from the people he associates with his gambling. I’m telling you, Missy, this is the best solution for everybody.”
If she hadn’t been sitting in the back of the car, she would have stomped her foot. “Nate, you are the most insufferably over-bearing control freak.”
He looked at her, blankly.
“I don’t want to leave the UK,” she spelled it out for him. “I have a great job that I want to return to one day. My credentials aren’t something I can just transfer to a new country. I’d have to re-train. I’ve only ever known the UK. This is my life.”
He cursed himself for not thinking about that. But as her words took hold, he felt himself getting angry. “What did you expect was going to happen then, Missy? With our kids?”
She chewed on her lower lip and admitted quietly, “I didn’t give it much thought. I guess I thought you’d see them whenever you were in town; that they could visit you on holidays when they were older.”
He shook his head. “That’s not good enough for me. I am going to be a very hands-on dad. I don’t want to be some guy they see every few months. No. No way.”
The violence of his protest shocked her. “Well, what do you suggest then?”
He was quiet for a moment, his face averted from her while he weighed up the situation. “I’ll move here,” he said, finally.
Missy gulped. “You’d move here?”
“Yes. Of course I would. I’ll move to Australia for all I care, if that’s where you want to be. I don’t want to miss a day of the babies’ lives.”
Missy had to tamp down the hurt in her heart. She would have to get used to him making decisions based on their children. Decisions which had nothing to do with her. Of course he wouldn’t move to the UK for her alone. Theirs had always been a going-nowhere situation. They’d both acknowledged it from the start. Were it not for her very unplanned pregnancy, he probably would have already lost interest.
“What about your work,” she pointed out logically. “You can’t leave that.”
“I can transfer things here. Travel back as needs be.” He spread his hands wide in a frustrated gesture. “I know it’s not a perfect solution but you’re right. It shouldn’t all come down to you to move. This is a big enough change in your life. I should do whatever I can to make it easier.”
He was being so reasonable, so absolutely fair that Missy felt goosebumps on her arms. “Thank you.” She said quietly.
And then, another thought occurred to her. “But what about Robbie’s job?”
Nate paused. “That’s more complicated. The financial department is big, and entrenched in the states. I’m afraid that if he wants it, he’ll need to move over.” He saw the look on her face and reached out to take her hand. “I’ll set up a nurse, remember, to make sure he’s okay, and you can fly over as often as you want. He can come back. It’s only a five hour flight, and the jet would be at your disposal.”
Missy shook her head. She wasn’t sure if it was just the lengths Nate was prepared to go to but she felt her reservations ebbing away, until all that was left was acceptance. And a sort of excitement, too. “No. Let’s move to New York.”
He stared at her.
“I mean it. It makes sense. Everything is set up over there. And with Robbie in the states, all of the twins’ family will live there, and not here. It would be silly to stay for a job that I might not even want to return to for at least a year.”
He shook his head, feeling some unfamiliar emotion at her very reasonable about-turn. “Let’s try it,” he compromised. “But if you’re not satisfied, we will make it work. Whatever, however, you want.”
I want you, she thought, and thought it so fervently that she almost worried she had said it. For it was true. He made her feel safe, and he made her feel happy, and she wanted him. In the truest, happily ever after sense, she wanted him.
Nate was the master of detail, and with a proverbial click of his fingers, he had someone look into all the logistics of the move. They decided it would be best for them to remain in the UK until the babies were born, giving them sufficient time to arrange a visa for Missy.
Nate had to return to New York for a fortnight to set the wheels in motion for Robbie’s job, and also to attend to business he’d been delaying while living in London. He was due to return a week before Christmas.
The days he was gone stretched endlessly before Missy. She found herself seeing Susanna almost daily. She would pop up to the hotel suite after her shifts, bringing a snack from the restaurant and the day’s news and gossip. Missy also saw Robbie as often as possible, trying to ignore the fact that she felt like a lovelorn teenager.
Nate was frequently in contact, but Missy was certain it was just to check on the pregnancy. One rainy afternoon when Susanna had called up to have some tea and delicious delicacies from nearby Fortnum & Masons, Missy was flicking absentmindedly through the latest OK! Magazine. Her fingers almost ripped the page from the glossy magazine when she saw a pair of very, very, heart-stoppingly familiar black eyes smiling out at her. The woman standing with him, her hand possessively in the nook of his arm, was named as Lady Cressida Douglas and Missy got a pang of jealousy, hot and sharp, right beneath her ribcage. She couldn’t see when it was taken. Her eyes blurred.
Susanna saw the picture and frowned. “I’m sure they’re just friends,” she said, unconvinced.
Missy shook her head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter. Correct me if I’m wrong, Missy, but you are pregnant with his babies. Hasn’t he made a commitment of any kind to you?”
Missy had laughed. “This isn’t the Victorian times, Susanna. For goodness sake, we’re having these babies but we’re not serious. Besides, he did offer to marry me.”
“And you said no? Are you crazy?”
“I told you, we’re not serious. If it weren’t for the pregnancy, we’d probably be over by now.”
“This all seems a bit backwards to me. Don’t you love him?”
Missy shook her head, “It doesn’t matter. He’s always been very honest with me. I’ve known from the beginning that a serious relationship wasn’t on the cards.”
Susanna snorted. “You deserve better than that, Missy.”
She shrugged sadly. “Maybe, but you can’t help who you love. We’re determined to find a way to make this work.”
“Sounds like torture to me,” Susanna said accurately. “Especially if you have to put up with him running around with other women.” She frowned. “I’m the last person to judge, but I don’t want you to get hurt.”
Missy’s laugh was flat. “Why is everyone worried about me getting hurt? Even Nate’s ex-wife warned me off because she thought I seemed too nice for him.”
“Sounds like she knew what she was talking about.”
“No, you’re wrong. Nate is kind, and thoughtful. I wouldn’t love a jerk. He just doesn’t have the monogamy gene.”
S
usanna shook her head in disbelief. “That’s a pretty big flaw.”
She left a few minutes later, feeling deep loathing for any man who could make her beautiful friend look so miserable.
A day before Nate was due to return, bored out of her brain, and emotionally exhausted, Missy went for a long walk. It was one of those beautiful winter days, freezing cold but with clear blue skies, a pale sun, and squirrels had commandeered all of the paths in the park. Missy picked up a sandwich from a nearby Pret a Manger and took up residence on a park bench, isolated and comfortingly silent. She sat there for hours, relishing the total peace and quiet, rugged up against the elements so that only her face suffered for the chill.
As the sun dipped down, in the early afternoon, she reluctantly packed up and walked in the direction of the hotel. She was hesitant to return though. The suite felt so lonely without Nate. His presence was so overwhelming that without it, Missy was somewhat adrift. She rubbed a hand over her stomach, now protruding quite visibly. On an impulse, she ducked into a little Italian restaurant two streets from the hotel. It was reminiscent of the restaurant they’d been to in Venice and Missy smiled at those happy memories.
That had been a simpler time, when Nate hadn’t known about the babies, before she’d known about the investigator, and all they’d had to contend with was this overwhelming lust.
Missy ordered a vegetable broth and watched the rugged up passers-by stream past the window.
Since discovering she was pregnant, Nate seemed to have lost all interest in Missy, sexually. It was as if he had put her firmly in the maternal box and that was decidedly unsexy to him. She missed him like hell, but it was probably for the best. Sooner or later she would have to learn to live without him, to accept that he was going to be with other women.
Just the notion made her feel nauseous. She determinedly ate the full bowl of soup, paid her bill and made her way back to the hotel.
She was still feeling a bit sorry for herself when she slipped the card through the hotel door and let herself into the luxurious suite.
“Where the hell have you been?” Nate demanded, stalking across the room and taking her arms into his hands. He stared down into her face, as if checking her for damage or injury, and Missy could only stare at him blankly.
“I... What are you doing here?” She asked, surprised.
He waved a hand through the air. “A meeting got cancelled, I returned a day early. I emailed you about it.”
Missy coloured. “I don’t really check my emails often,” she said. “You know that.”
He didn’t. He found it hard to fathom anyone who could get by without the constant communication. Then again, Missy wasn’t running a global conglomerate, he criticised himself wryly. She was entitled to her down time.
“I was worried about you.” He said darkly, and then, as if realising what he was doing, he let go of her arms and walked to the other end of the kitchen.
Missy shook her head to clear the surprise-web that was there. She put her bag down, and stripped off her scarf, gloves and jacket, remaining in just her jeans and a black jumper.
“Look at that tummy!” Nate’s mood changed on a dime; an enormous smile lit his handsome face.
Missy looked down with a smile. “Yep. There’s two babies in there all right,” she ran a palm across the ball-like protrusion.
His voice thick with emotion, Nate approached her. “May I?” He held a hand out, his meaning clear.
Missy nodded. “Of course.”
He put his hand gently on her stomach and was surprised by the hardness of it. He rubbed it wondrously. His touch sent a frisson of need through her but she determinedly ignored it. She had to be strong. That part of their relationship was over. It had to be. For her own health and sanity, she couldn’t look to him for something that just wasn’t there.
He’d never lied to her. His expectations had been obvious from the beginning. He’d gone out of his way to spell it out for her, in fact. He had engaged her as a companion because he wanted to avoid emotional entanglements. He was just divorced, for goodness sake. Missy had been a fool indeed to let herself fall so far in love with him.
She watched his dark head, tipped towards her stomach, feeling it with delight, and her heart flipped over. He was going to be a great father.
He stood up and looked at her. “Have you been well?” His voice held a strained note, and Missy was struck with the urge to rub her hands over his powerful shoulders and massage away that tension.
She didn’t though. It was going to be a constant battle, but she had to remain firm. Eventually, denying herself might even become habit. She might one day not even think about what she was missing. She threw him a small, uncomfortable smile and padded away from him, towards her bedroom.
“Well, yes. But tired. I might get an early night,” she said quietly.
He followed her, on auto-pilot. “Have you eaten?”
She nodded, not meeting his eyes, too scared to stare into his beautiful soul lest she fall even more in love.
“It’s only six o’clock,” he pointed out.
She tried for humour, “I’m growing two people inside me. That takes a lot of energy. I’m exhausted.”
“At least let me run you a bath.”
She could see he was worried about her. About the babies, she corrected forcefully. She must stop thinking of herself as being relevant to him in any way. “I’ve been here, on my own, for almost two weeks, Nate. I coped fine.”
A muscle clicked in his jaw, but he said nothing. Missy, too tired to be polite, shut the door in his face.
CHAPTER NINE
The next morning, Nate was up and dressed for work bright and early. Missy awoke to the sound of him in the living area. She stretched in bed, feeling a funny strain in her stomach. Pregnancy had been full of aches and pains, and she was getting sick of the different sensations. Despite her medical training, each and every one left her feeling scared. Eventually, the very expensive obstetrician Nate had retained had reassured Missy that pregnancy was riddled with odd sensations; that if something was ever wrong, she would know it.
Nonetheless, Missy thought all first time mums must panic constantly. It was such a very bizarre experience, and so totally out of your hands. She dressed carefully. Clothes were fitting less and less well and she was faced with the reality that she would very soon need a new wardrobe altogether.
She opted for a stretchy black dress. It didn’t hide her burgeoning bump. In fact, it accentuated it, but in a way that Missy felt oddly pleasing. She wrapped a bright, blood red scarf around her neck.
Red. Christmas. She wondered what she and Robert would do for Christmas. He should be released by then- a daunting thought. Reality began to intrude on Missy’s thoughts. She couldn’t stay living here indefinitely. It would torture her nerves; more worryingly, it would rob her of her resolve. She could move out, and Robert and she could live together until he moved to the states.
She chewed on her lower lip. She would need to make some more definite plans. Soon. It all exhausted her pregnancy-addled mind.
Missy had expected Nate to be gone when she pressed open her bedroom door.
He wasn’t.
He sat, stony-faced at the dining table. His expression didn’t change when she entered the room. “Missy, we need to talk.”
“I was just thinking the same thing.”
He indicated the chair opposite him and she took it, nervously. He poured her a cup of steaming hot tea from a pot that he’d prepared. She clasped her hands around it to still them.
“You first.”
Her beautiful face was sallow; there were grey bags under her eyes. He hated to think of her worried. Stressed. Not sleeping. Especially if there was some way he could alleviate those worries.
“I was just thinking I should move out.”
She had surprised him, she saw. He spilled his coffee on his jeans as he startled, midway from lifting the mug to his lips. He replaced it on the table.
>
“Why?” he demanded, his eyes smarting in his good looking face.
She looked away from him; examined in minute detail the wood grain of the table.
“This isn’t going to work.” Her voice was cracked with despair and she made an effort to control it. “I thought I could handle it. But I don’t want front row seats to my replacement,” she said with a quiet dignity.
“What are you talking about?”
“Angelique. Cressida. It doesn’t matter who it is. Someone will warm your bed after me, probably many someones, and it’s not conducive to a healthy relationship if I have to see that.”
She stood, ignoring the twinge low down in her abdomen. “I’ve made up my mind, Nate. I’ll start looking at places today.”
He shook his head, rubbing his eyes blearily. She walked towards the front door and scooped up her handbag. “What did you want to talk to me about?” She asked as an afterthought.
He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
She shrugged. “Suit yourself. See you later.” She left the apartment, caught the lift downstairs, and started crying before it had even hit the lobby.
Her eyes blurred with tears, and she weaved through the groups of tourists in the busy foyer. A voice calling her name had her spinning out and she was relieved to see Susanna waving gaily at her.
“Missy!” Susanna exclaimed, wrapping an arm around her wrist. “My goodness, what on earth’s the matter?”
Missy shook her head, not wanting to break down there. Public scenes weren’t her style. She took Susanna’s hand and pulled her towards the members’ bar. She’d been there a few times with Nate and so the doorman recognised her. It was early morning, and they were serving coffee and pastries, but Missy wasn’t hungry. She led them to a table near the darkly tinted windows.
“I’ve told Nate I have to move out. You were right. It is torture to love someone so much and never know when it’s going to end, and who else they’re with.” She shook her head sadly. “I never thought we’d end up happily ever after, but I had no concept when I began this affair of just how much loving someone hurts, when it isn’t returned.”
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