Stunned, Ian stood in silence as he watched Aidan insert his private key and step into the elevator. Lexi was already long gone, no doubt waiting in the sleek limo. As he closed the door, Patrick grabbed tightly onto his hair and pulled until Ian gently disentangled his fingers.
“Yeah, I get it little man. You’re hungry. And Daddy’s an idiot. Come on. At least I know how to fix one of those things. You might have to help me with the rest, though.”
With a smack of his little hand against Ian’s jaw and little gurgle of agreement, they headed for the kitchen.
* * *
“Alright, Alexis. You may get dressed now.” Dr. Elena McKenzie put her hand lightly on Lexi’s shoulder, the slight crackling of the paper gown as loud as an Alaskan avalanche in the quiet space.
Lexi sat up, holding the gown in place, which seemed kind of silly, really. The doctor had just performed a thorough exam; there was nothing she hadn’t already seen. It made about as much sense as folding her underwear and hiding it between the other articles of clothing when she undressed, yet she always felt a strange, prudish compulsion to do so.
She dressed quietly behind the silk paneled screen, hand-painted with a landscape scene while recessed lighting radiated a light, warm glow. All around her, the walls were a brushed hue of – well, it was hard to describe, really. Something between orange and pink, Lexi guessed, a solid attempt to recreate the hue of a perfect sunset, she supposed. Soft classical music played in the background. Water flowed gently over plates of colored glass in one of those zen-based sculptures, no doubt designed to instill a sense of calm and tranquility, just like every other feature of the room. No sterile white walls and hard-on-your-butt exam tables here; it was first class all the way. Considering that each office visit sucked a nice four digits out of Lexi’s bank account, it should be.
“Well?” Lexi tried not to fidget, but it was difficult. The doc had her head bent down over some device that looked like what an iPad wanted to be when it grew up. As the specialist other specialists deferred to, Lexi had come to expect nothing but the best from Doc McKenzie – in everything.
Dr. McKenzie looked up. It was a slight glance – her head didn’t move, only her eyes – but Lexi suddenly felt like a child about to be scolded. After an eternity, the rest of the doc’s head followed. The flat digital screen was placed on the carved mahogany desktop.
“I’m sorry,” Lexi said, the words coming out in a rush. “I just – well, I –“.
If the doctor had a surprised look, Lexi knew she was witnessing it right then, though beyond the very slight rise of an eyebrow, there was little to distinguish it from any other. This woman was the epitome of professionalism, her implacable face rarely giving anything away. Lexi felt herself redden under her gaze, feeling more like an impatient child than ever.
“This is not like you, Alexis,” the woman said, her voice as smooth as the glass in her tranquility fountain, an unusual accent slightly coloring the enunciation, “to be so impatient. Something has changed in your situation, has it not?”
Hell, yes. “My - ”, she started, then faltered. How exactly should she refer to Ian? What reference would be appropriate here? Boyfriend sounded so juvenile in this distinguished space, and he really didn’t fit that mold anyway. Husband was an even further stretch. Every word she came up with seemed just as inadequate. Friend? Um, no. Acquaintance? Uh-uh. Love of my life? Soul mate? Accurate, but probably not appropriate.
“Patrick’s father is in town,” she blurted out finally. Yeah, that would work. The small sentence got a full quarter-inch tilt from the eyebrow. Big-time stuff.
“Ah, I am beginning to comprehend. He knew not of the little prince until recently.” Lexi nodded, feeling a brief, momentary vibe of disapproval from the doctor before the atmosphere leveled out again. “And now? How does he perceive the situation?”
Such an odd way of asking, Lexi thought, wondering for the hundredth time exactly from where the enigmatic Elena McKenzie had come. Her manner of speaking, the slightest hint of an unidentifiable accent – it all gave Lexi the impression that the doctor was originally from somewhere in Eastern Europe, but she’d been unable to pin it down to one specific region.
At least she could answer the doctor’s question pretty easily. “He is the world’s proudest father,” she said with a smile. “He and Patrick – they’re inseparable. Ian feeds him, bathes him, talks to him. And Patrick – he just adores his father.” The words tumbled out in a rush, but they were all true. Ian was an incredible father.
Dr. McKenzie’s head bobbed just slightly, a single nod of comprehension. “And what about you, Alexis? How does the prince’s father perceive you?”
Well, that was the million dollar question, wasn’t it? One that wasn’t quite so easy to answer. “I think he’s... afraid.” It felt like a betrayal of sorts to suggest that her hard, strong ex-SEAL was scared, but even as the words left her mouth she felt the truth of them.
Green eyes studied her with more than just clinical interest. Lexi could practically sense the doctor’s brain processing the situation behind them, connecting the dots at inhuman speed. Lexi was used to that. But what weirded her out a little was the very subtle emergence of a woman from behind the impeccable clinical façade. The sharp edges softened, just a little.
“He should be,” Dr. McKenzie said softly, her words a carefully metered cadence. “As any male of worth should be. His dalliance nearly killed you.”
A surge of irrational anger rose up within Lexi quickly, rolling over her like a wave. “It was no dalliance!” she said defensively, surprised at her own vehemence. The mere thought that what she and Ian had shared was anything less than the realization of a life’s dream for her was completely unacceptable. “Ian is the most honorable, loving, good man I’ve ever known. I’m the one that left him, Doctor.”
“And yet one must wonder, if he is as good a man as you profess, why you would do such a thing.”
They were way beyond the typical doctor-patient conversation here, but Lexi didn’t care. She needed to talk to someone, and she was a little skinny on the BFF’s at the moment.
“Because I love him more than anything,” Lexi admitted. “Because I did not want him to live in fear of what might happen every time he touched me.” Like he is doing right now. “He is a strong, virile man, Dr. McKenzie. Tying him to someone like me would be like trying to domesticate a wild tiger. It would be... cruel.”
But would she ever have the strength not to? She would never keep Patrick from him, so how could she handle seeing him on a regular basis?
“You are not so fragile, Alexis. I am confident that with proper care and preparation, no door is closed to you.”
“More meds,” Lexi said, shaking her head, knowing what the recommendations would be: more toxic chemicals with side effects as bad as or worse than the disease itself. She’d refused everything because she wanted to breast feed her son. Dr. McKenzie knew this.
“We’ve discussed this. I will give my son every advantage I can. No drugs.”
“It puts you at great risk.”
Lexi sat up a little straighter and lifted her chin. “So be it.”
The doctor tented her fingers, an oddly masculine move for a woman who never wore slacks and was always coiffed to perfection. “Have you considered a compromise, Alexis?”
“A compromise?”
“Nurse your young one for six months. Begin mixing easily digestible cereals into your breast milk at four months – from what you tell me, the boy is strong and soon your milk will not be enough to sustain him adequately. Store and freeze as much as you can to extend the benefits of mother’s milk beyond that. You do pump regularly, do you not?” Lexi nodded.
“Excellent. I am quite optimistic of a new treatment plan, one that is based upon purely natural, non-chemical substances.”
Lexi looked at her skeptically, hardly daring to hope. A natural solution? No more pumping her body full of industrial-grade poison?
/> “Yes, Alexis. It was your own unique heritage that spawned the idea, a joining of two different but ancient and powerful cultures that may yet hold the answers we seek. It was the doctor who tended to you in Pine Ridge who developed the idea. However, I do not think it is wise to change anything at the present time for fear of disrupting the boy’s routine. From what you tell me, he is flourishing.”
Again, Lexi nodded in confirmation. “He is. His pediatrician says he is beyond where he should be.”
“That is good,” the doctor said approvingly. “A further indication of good genes, and the strength of his parents. And the timeframe, it is reasonable, is it not?”
Lexi inclined her head. “Yes, it is. But in all honesty, Doc, I don’t know if I can wait that long.” Because he’s slipping away from me a little more every day, and I feel like I’m dying inside. Not to mention that Ian’s presence called to her on such a base, primal level. Her feelings for him went way beyond anything she could logically understand. She craved him. Ian Callaghan was as necessary to her survival as food and water and air. These last few weeks – as difficult as they had been – had been like the first warm day of spring up north, when everyone opened their windows, letting the clean fresh air breathe new life into stale, closed spaces.
“I see no reason why you cannot resume a physical relationship, although I would strongly recommend that it be of a gentle nature until we can begin a viable treatment plan.”
Gentle? Lexi had lots of ideas running through her head, and gentle wasn’t on the program. The doctor paused, as if deciding whether or not to continue. “There are a lot of options for pleasuring one another that would not place you in danger. Will your man be accepting of this?”
My man. Boy, Lexi liked the sound of that. And she realized with a jolt that he really was hers, wasn’t he? The possessive instinct was nearly as strong as her mother’s instinct. But asking Ian to be gentle? Yes, I’d like the chocolate silk pie, please, but only one bite. Damn.
It would be worth it, though. One bite of Ian was better than a whole truckload of goodies with anyone else. And, if she handled this right, she should be able to convince him that she would not shatter into a thousand pieces.
The thought had the corners of her mouth curving. There were a lot of things she read about, actually, that sounded wonderful. Things she had dreamed of Ian doing to her, things she would never have the courage to ask for. But now, well now she was just desperate enough to do it.
“I think he might,” she said cautiously, but inside her core muscles were doing the wave.
Chapter Twenty-Six
By the time Lexi got back to her suite that night, she was nearly a basket case. It was the first time she’d been away from Patrick for more than a few hours, for one thing. She wasn’t worried about his safety; there was no place safer for the child than with his father.
But what if he’d reached for her and she wasn’t there? What if he needed the comfort of his mother’s arms while she was off selfishly taking care of herself instead of her baby? Or, sweet Mary, what if, in his infant mind, he believed she had abandoned him?
Yet, despite the racking guilt, the afternoon had been therapeutic and long overdue. After leaving Dr. McKenzie’s office, she sent Aidan away and visited the spa and salon. Now she was waxed, exfoliated, plucked, and moisturized. Her hair was trimmed and styled; her nails buffed, shaped, and polished. She certainly felt more womanly than she had in quite a while, and she was going to need all the help she could get if she was to pull off her plan.
The foyer was illuminated only by the soft recessed lights, and she had to give her eyes a moment to adjust from the brighter lights of the outer entrance. The penthouse was divided into two suites, both accessible by the key-driven elevator and secured private stairway. Aidan’s was to the left; Lexi’s, to the right.
Lexi slid her digital key into the lock, not quite sure what she would find on the other side. It was just around dinner time, and she was hoping to persuade Ian to order in tonight while she fed, bathed, and got Patrick settled in his bed. Then, with any luck, she would feed, bathe, and unsettle Ian in her bed afterward.
The spacious apartment was quiet. Too quiet. Like the foyer, the lights were dimmed. The sound of her footsteps was practically nonexistent, absorbed by the plush carpet and double-padded underlay as she worked her way through the living area. The soft, muted sounds of the flat screen in her room settled her nerves. Ian was probably in there with Patrick sprawled out on his chest, two men bonding over ESPN SportsCenter.
Kicking off her shoes, she stopped first at the kitchen to unload the bottles of milk she’d pumped throughout the day. One thing about having such a ravenous child – her body was on full-scale dairy mode. She’d learned quickly that her body was going to answer the call every two hours whether she was home or not, and ignoring it was the quickest way to aching boobs and drenched shirts. Thankfully, there had been private areas at both of the places she’d visited, allowing her to keep herself on schedule and her dignity intact.
“I hope you haven’t eaten yet.” Ian’s deep, velvety voice startled her.
“I - I thought you were in the bedroom with Patrick.”
“I was. He’s sound asleep. You smell wonderful.” Ian dipped his head down toward her neck and inhaled deeply. Lexi fought the urge to bury her hands in his hair and hold him there. A second later, he stepped back, as if he had realized what he had just done and regretted it. “Have a good day?”
“Um...” she said, trying to focus on the question. But Ian’s intimate little sniff had railroaded her thought processes, and left her freshly-waxed, sensitive womanly parts tingling intensely. “I’m sorry. What?”
That sexy half-smile of his – the one that devastated her every time – made her knees weak.
“Did you have a good day?” He took the miniature cooler from her and stacked the little bottles neatly on the shelf.
“Yes,” she answered, regaining some of her poise, but not enough. The sight of Ian’s delectable backside as he bent into the fridge was a major distraction. Thinking about sex all day had definitely put her on edge. Discreetly, she pressed her thighs together as she reached for a glass and held it under the drinking tap. “I saw Dr. McKenzie today.”
“I thought that appointment wasn’t for another two weeks,” he said carefully. “Are you having problems?” Ian’s voice was too level, too neutral. Undoubtedly, he already knew about the appointment. Aidan. Since when had he become Ian’s little narc?
“No, everything’s fine,” she assured him, but he probably already knew more about the results of her exam than she did. She wondered if anything she and the doc had spoken about afterward was transcripted into her records anywhere. “In fact, everything’s better than fine.”
“Is it now?” Hunger warred with doubt in his eyes.
“Mmm-hmm,” she answered, working hard to keep up her courage, but it was hard. Ian moved back, putting several feet between them, his body language guarded and closed. She put her arms around herself, feeling a sudden chill. “I thought maybe we could order dinner in tonight. I could tell you what she said. If you’re interested.”
“I’m interested,” he said, but his tone was not what she wanted to hear. I’m interested, it said, but it’s not going to change anything. Lexi’s chest started to ache a little.
“Okay then. If you don’t mind ordering, I’ll just go start getting Patrick’s bath ready...”
“He’s already had his bath.”
“Oh. Well, I guess I could feed him, then. It’s still a little early, but –“
“He just finished a bottle about fifteen minutes ago. He’s good for a couple of hours.”
“Oh.” Lexi was torn between feeling grateful for all that Ian had done and feeling a little disappointed that they had managed so well without her.
“He really missed you, though,” Ian said a little too quickly, no doubt spotting the moisture quickly accumulating in her eyes. “He was a v
ery unhappy camper there for a while, and completely skipped his afternoon nap.”
She nodded, biting her lip. That probably shouldn’t have made her feel as good as it did. Still, if Patrick was all taken care of, then there was really no reason to delay. If she could just get Ian interested...
Lexi stepped up behind him as he pulled the take-out menus from the neat little magnetized clip that hung on the side of the fridge. She slipped her arms around him, laying her cheek against his back. God, he felt so good. So strong, so warm, so -
“What would you like?” Ian asked, picking up the phone, as she felt his entire body tense beneath her. “Chinese, Indian, Italian, - ”
The shutdown was cold, complete. Like someone had just flipped a switch. Suddenly, Lexi wasn’t feeling quite so brave anymore. She couldn’t do it. Without Ian’s willing cooperation, this was not going to work.
“Never mind,” Lexi said, dropping her arms and pulling away. She wouldn’t be able to eat anything now anyway with the way her stomach was doing flips. The intense swing of emotions – from pulsing lust and hunger and need to humiliation and regret and despair – was brutal, and once again she cursed her hormones and her totally messed-up body chemistry.
She started shutting down, her natural defenses assuming control. It was strange, really, how the numbness mixed in with the pain, a necessary dilution to keep her functioning. Visions of how Ian had once looked at her shattered in her own mind, like pictures someone had thrown against the wall. Oh, when she thought of the things he had done to her, the places he had taken her... But that felt like an entirely different lifetime, and in a way, it was. That was when Ian still thought of her as a healthy, vibrant, passionate woman.
She wondered what he saw her as now, then decided it would probably hurt too much to know. The bottom line: Ian wasn’t interested. He kept his distance. Cringed when she got near him. How could she tell him what the doctor said now? How could she ask him to do any of those things when he couldn’t even stand her touch?
First and Only: Callaghan Brothers, Book 2 Page 22