by Drew Sera
“Anthony! Stop for one damn minute!”
They didn’t get it and that was my fault. I never shared anything in my past with them because I wanted to keep it my past. But now, my past was creating a horrible problem for me. Again. Sydney deserved better than me and what I could give. I couldn’t give her what she needed, despite what Matt and Colin think.
I started my car as I approached it and unlocked it. My body was hurting and I didn’t need Matt adding to it.
“Anthony, stop!”
I opened my door and looked over the roof of my car at him. I held my hands up in defense letting him know I wasn’t going to argue.
“You can still fix this, man. Don’t fuck it up.”
I ran my hands through my hair. I couldn’t hear this. Hearing Colin’s words tore holes in me. Colin and Matt were my only family and they felt confident that I could be Sydney’s Dom and love her. I hated arguing with Matt or Colin. Both had me on their death list right now though.
“I can’t Matt. Please, I’m asking you as my friend. Please just leave it and trust me when I say that I can’t.”
He seemed to be thinking about what I was saying to him. He put his hands up on the roof of my car and looked at me.
“And I’m telling you, as a brother. You are what she needs and she loves you. Do you hear me? That girl loves you.”
I slapped my hand on the top of my car and rubbed on my face.
“Stop saying that shit, Matt! I can’t! I’m telling you this. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s had enough of that.”
“Walking out on her tonight, will have hurt her far more than whatever shortcomings you think that you have.”
He backed away from my car and I jumped in. It was cold when I slid down into the seat but I deserved cold. I backed out of the driveway and left Matt standing there. I drove with urgency to get away from the house. I didn’t want to allow myself to talk me into going back. I couldn’t. I’d only hurt her and I couldn’t do that. I drove towards my high-rise condo with the windows down. I hoped the cold air from the outside would clear my head some.
I was ice cold and wanted to be back under the blanket with Sydney in our paradise. I left her on a night that was so important to her. She did her first scene and I was a part of it. I’m such a dick and a coward. Matt is right.
I pulled into the valet section reserved for Urban Tower residents and left my car running with the fob in it before the attendant came over. I didn’t care if I ever saw it again. I didn’t care about anything right now and I hated myself for doing what I had done tonight. I finished buttoning my shirt and walked over to the elevators.
While I waited, the comforting white noise coming from the Balcony Pub was calling me. I could go in there and get lost for a while. I ignored the chime of the elevator and trudged into the Balcony Pub and took up a seat at the busy bar. I glanced at my watch. It was only 12:40 a.m. so the place was still active.
“May I help you, sir?”
Sir. Fuck that. I didn’t deserve that title at all. I was pure garbage and worthless. Just like Bruce said I was. Turns out all these years that I tried to keep myself from proving him right, I ended up like he said I was anyhow. Fucking useless.
“Scotch.”
The bartender nodded and soon I had a nice glass in front of me. I grabbed it and downed it all at once. I welcomed the punishing burn as it slid down my throat. I deserved the burn. I set my phone out on the counter and put it on silent. I watched the screen continue to light up with missed phone calls and texts from Colin and Matt. I kept the shots coming and began mixing scotch and vodka.
Sunshine, I am so sorry. I wished I could have explained myself, but I couldn’t. As I sat there, I tried to figure out where things went wrong and figured that I’d probably die of a heart attack by the time the weekend is through. Maybe I’ll end up in the emergency room tonight. No, wait a second. Then they’d fix my chest or whatever the fuck was wrong with me. I deserved to hurt.
Those evening talks with Sydney were so fucking nice. Even though she shared painful things, I was there to comfort her. I was able to do that. I can’t be all bad. Maybe ninety percent bad and ten percent good.
She’d sit in my arms and pour her heart out while I held her. Our baths were wonderful. I loved the way she looked when she smiled and laughed. I could make her laugh and blush. I loved the way she felt in my arms. My sunshine. Mine. Maybe eighty percent bad and twenty percent good.
I helped her find pleasure in sex. I could dominate her the way she needed and desired and I could do it in a nurturing way. Even though it was pretty mild for me, I could tell she liked it. Those few times Colin and I played with her were the best sexual experiences of my life. They were easily the most fulfilling. I’ve had lots of sex and I knew the times with Sydney were my favorite. They meant something to me. It wasn’t just another sub that just wanted to scene with me so they could tell their sub friends they played with me. Sydney meant something. She’s different than many other subs I’ve come into contact with. She has heart. She could light up the darkest nights, but I’m too dark for her. I have too much dark in my past to help her through hers. Ninety-nine percent bad. One percent good. Maybe not even good, just semi-decent.
Still, I wanted her. I loved when she touched me. I loved when she wrapped her bruised hand around my arm at night and took hold of my shirt. In the beginning she’d clutch my shirt in her hands to fall asleep. Then when I stopped sleeping in a shirt, she’d let her hand rest against my chest or take hold of my shorts or pants. I loved her hands on my body. Her hands felt different than other subs. It was like she knew me. She was familiar with me. She trusted me and needed me. She knew I’d take care of her. And I fucked that up.
2:35 a.m. Fuck. My chest and stomach were killing me. I stood and felt sicker. I headed down the hall towards the bathroom and began to see blotchy spots. I knew what was coming. Sydney knew what this was like too. My chest stopped aching right before the blotchy spots took over to claim victory.
Chapter 7
Saturday, November 23rd
Colin
The ringing of my cell phone on the nightstand startled me. Sydney was finally asleep and I was propped up on my side stroking her tummy. Anthony rubs his hand in gentle circles on her tummy when she wakes up from a bad dream. I knew the motion calmed her. She was holding one of Anthony’s shirts like it was a stuffed animal that was providing comfort.
I grabbed my phone and saw that it was after three in the morning. I squinted to read “Balcony Pub” on the screen. I closed my eyes and shook my head. I knew the Balcony Pub was one of the bars in Anthony’s high-rise on the Strip.
“Hello?”
“Yes, sorry to bother you at this hour, but is this Colin Everett?”
“It is.”
“My name is Ken and I’m one of the manager’s at Balcony Pub. Do you know Anthony Graves?”
I nodded my head, knowing that Ken couldn’t see me nodding. Fuck, how bad was this? At least it was a bar manager on the other end and it wasn’t an emergency room.
“Sorry, yes. Yes, I know him.”
He’s my best friend and brother. And even though I was pissed at him right now, I still loved him.
“He had a little too much to drink tonight and passed out in one of our hallways.”
I was standing now and turning on the rest of the lights while trying to absorb two crazy things; Anthony drank alcohol and actually drank enough to pass the hell out. This wasn’t like Anthony and I knew he was out of sorts. I began pulling some jeans on when there was a gentle knock on the door right before Matt walked in. He was dressed and had his phone in his hand. Matt and Gina stayed the night in one of the extra bedrooms upstairs.
“Is he okay?”
“Yes, we have him sitting up in a booth and were going to call the paramedics, but the bartender said he had left his phone on the bar top. So we usually try to call family or friends in these cases if possible.”
“Thank you for
calling. Don’t let him leave your bar and don’t let him drink any more alcohol. We’re on our way.”
I disconnected the call and looked at Matt and then heard Sydney whimper and begin to cry. I sat back down on the bed and pulled her into my arms.
“Shhh, baby. He’s okay.”
“It’s my fault. I messed up and he left.”
“Baby, we’ve talked about this, remember. Anthony told you that it’s not your fault.” I kissed the top of her head. “Baby, remember last weekend how we talked about feelings that you brought out in Anthony and I? Anthony is struggling with those right now. You’ve made him, and myself, feel things we never felt before. Things like what Matt feels for Gina. I think that tonight, with him being involved in your scene with Evan, made him realize how much he cares for you. And it scared him.” I explained as best as I could.
“Love and attachment scare him, Sydney,” Matt said while looking down in her eyes. “I know that when he left tonight, it hurt you and believe me, I know how sorry he is for it. You don’t owe him a thing sweetheart. Not a thing in this world. But, as one of his best friends, all I can ask on his behalf, is that you be patient with him. He’s never had someone like you pop into his life and unearth him. Give him a chance to make this right.” Matt bent down and kissed her forehead.
“He was a dick tonight, baby. He knows it. He’s not perfect. No one is. But he’s as close to perfect that I know. He’s got a big heart and he’s only used a little bit of it up on ugly Doms like Matt and I.”
“And Blake,” Matt added.
“Remember how I told you that my family died when I was young and Matt’s family took me in?” Sydney nodded. “Anthony doesn’t have any family. He doesn’t talk about them and they’re not around anymore. He didn’t grow up in a loving family but he’s worth the risk, Sydney. He’s a good man.”
Matt looked at his phone and then up at me.
“I’m going to go get him and take him up to his place. You stay here. Gina knows I’m going.”
“Thank you, Matt.”
My thoughts were on my best friend who was really struggling. I hoped Matt would be calm with him. I worried about Matt going because things have been strained between him and Anthony lately. Matt has been on Anthony, trying to get him to open his eyes regarding his feelings for Sydney. Anthony didn’t need that right now. He was a mess and needed a friend; not a parent. I hoped Matt realized that.
I settled back down and cuddled up to Sydney. I wanted to tell her that Anthony loves her. But it wasn’t my place to. He needs to figure that out himself. As I lay there with her in my arms and thought about Anthony and Sydney, I felt a pang in my chest. While all I ever wanted was for Sydney to heal and find happiness with a good Dom, I now realized how attached I was getting to Sydney. With Anthony though, I knew he’d love her, care for her and give her exactly what she needed. And I knew that I’d still get to be around Sydney because of Anthony. In the very, very back of my mind, I thought of the tiniest chance that the three of us could continue as we are right now. It brought me comfort and a smile.
Chapter 8
Saturday, November 23rd
Matt
I woke up hearing my phone’s alert of an incoming text. Gina and I stayed at Colin’s tonight to help out. Sydney was a wreck after Anthony left and I wanted to be around in case Colin needed anything. I reached across Gina to pick up my phone.
AG: mAtt am fckd up. at urban twrS bar. dont get col she needs him
Without him even saying it, I knew he was drunk. It probably took him a long time to text that with drunk fingers. I got dressed and sent him back one.
MR: Don’t move. I’m on my way.
I told Gina that I needed to go get Anthony and went down to tell Colin. As I approached the downstairs room, I saw the lights were on and heard him on the phone. I knocked lightly and went inside. A bar manager found Anthony’s phone and found Colin’s number.
Since I had never seen Anthony drunk, I wasn’t sure what I was going to walk in on when I got to the bar. From working many nights in the ER, I had seen my fair share of alcohol related accidents and injuries. At least Anthony wasn’t behind the wheel.
My heart went out to him because I knew he was adrift in unchartered waters and just didn’t know what end was up anymore. That’s how it happened with Gina. One day, I just felt so turned around and didn’t know what had happened. I just knew that I couldn’t live without her. I think Anthony is attached to Sydney and he realized how great his attachment is with her tonight.
When I got to the valet, I saw his car sitting off in one of the front “look at me” parking spaces for residents. His sporty BMW was nestled between a Ferrari and a Mercedes sedan. I sighed and handed my key fob over to the valet.
I made my way inside and though it was going on 4 a.m., it was the Las Vegas Strip so I wasn’t surprised the lobby was bustling with people coming and going and milling about. I found the Balcony Pub, walked in and scanned the place. I found a server and described who I was looking for. She pointed over to a booth in the far corner. Damn. He looked pretty fucked up.
I wanted to help him. He was there for me rock solid when I was struggling with Gina in the beginning. Anthony was clearly upside down with feelings for Sydney and I believe that he loves her but isn’t sure where to go from here. Blake said he was confident that Anthony’s parents messed him up and as a result he’s been too afraid to allow himself to love someone or be loved for that matter. Anthony was more than a friend to Colin and I. He was like our little brother and we weren’t going to let him throw this away.
Being a Dominant, Anthony is naturally head strong but he hasn’t been able to keep Sydney from getting at his heart. He cares for her but thinks he’s no good for her. He’s so wrong but is too afraid.
I sat down across from him, set my phone on the table and looked at him. He had his elbows on the table and was holding his head in one of his hands. He looked up at me and then squinted at the light. I couldn’t help but laugh. I felt like a parent who was watching his irresponsible son learn what the repercussions of too much alcohol were. To my knowledge Anthony had never been drunk before and was turning forty-one in a few months.
“Thanks for coming for me, Matt. I don’t deserve it. You could have left me.” He sipped on some water and eyed me over his glass.
“You’re my little brother. I couldn’t leave you passed out in this nice, posh bar.”
He gave me a small smile and looked up at me through his spread out fingers that was holding his head up. I could tell that he had been beating himself up all evening for leaving Colin’s. He’s punished himself for this evening. I wasn’t going to add to it.
“How is she?”
I pushed the glass of water in front of him encouraging him to drink more water. He needed to drink more after his drinking binge and his emotional scene with Sydney tonight. I told him that Sydney was doing okay but that she’d be better if he had been there. I didn’t risk telling him how much he means to her. I couldn’t risk getting into a physical altercation with him.
“You ready to go upstairs?”
He barked out a laugh and looked up at me.
“Aren’t you going to buy me dinner first?”
Wonderful. He was a comedian drunk. I rolled my eyes and stood up pulling him with me. He was a little wobbly at first but once we started walking towards the elevators he became more stable. He kept rubbing on his head. Then I remembered that Colin mentioned the bartender said Anthony had passed out. Once we get upstairs I’ll check him out and make sure he didn’t bang his head.
While we made our way to the elevator a small group of women came sauntering over. They were probably around Gina’s age give or take a few years. All three of them had eyes on Anthony as they came over to us. Could this night get any worse? Anthony had a look about him that always drew women. He’s been like that ever since Colin and I met him at Irons in our twenties. He has that bad boy look but really was one of the nicest guy
s in the world.
“Hi, fellas.”
“You guys want to get a drink or go do something fun?”
I looked over at them and smiled, then told them no thanks. Anthony was looking down at the floor as we walked. I don’t even think he heard them until one started tugging on his arm.
“Come on, one drink,” the third girl said while I poked the elevator keypad designated for penthouse residents.
“He’s had plenty already.” I told them while I cursed the elevator for taking so damn long. Why he had to be on the top floor in the first place was beyond me.
“Drinks or fun?” One asked in a seductive tone.
“You’re cute, you shouldn’t let that guy tell you that you can’t come with us and have fun.”
Anthony yanked his arm out of the girl’s hand and stumbled into me. I helped steady him and was punching on the elevator keypad now.
“Don’t touch me, please,” Anthony said to the girl and tugged on his shirt while still looking down. I put my hand on his back so he wouldn’t fall and grabbed hold of his shirt. Unfortunately, these girls were not going away. They were starting to get bitchy though when they realized Anthony wasn’t interested.
“You stupid guys can’t get up on those floors anyhow. They’re only for residents,” one of the girls said to us.
“He lives here,” I told them under my breath as they were walking away. Why the fuck wasn’t the elevator arriving?
Anthony did some maneuver where he turned and smacked his butt against the keypad. The elevator chimed and opened. I glared at him.
“Are you kidding me, Anth?”
“Forgot you didn’t have the key card.”
I shoved him in the elevator and the doors closed as the girls were scurrying towards the doors saying, “see they were rich!”
Fuck, what a place. The lobby is full of people trying to make it into some bachelor or bachelorette’s pad. What a lonely life. I don’t know how Anthony didn’t get trashed every night surrounded by this crap.