by Drew Sera
Last night came right back to center stage of my mind. Water washes it all down the drain. Fuck me.
“Why face the back of the shower, Sydney? Did it matter?”
She looked at Chris like the answer was the most elementary of them all. I knew the answer and felt sick to my stomach.
“If I faced the back of the shower, then I didn’t see the blood.”
The only sound in the room was that of Chris’s pen moving across the paper. Finally he spoke.
“I think we’ve scraped open enough for today. I want you to continue to write in your journal about your nightmares and anything else you feel like writing about. And I want to encourage you to share your writing with Colin and Anthony. Anytime you have a nightmare, I want you to try and write down as much as you can remember. Bring the notebook with you next time.”
Sydney nodded and Chris confirmed that he wanted to set up a Monday 10:00 appointment with her. I nodded and told him we’d see to it. He walked us out to the front and gave me his card with his home number written on the back and told me to keep an eye on her today. I wanted to say, “no fucking shit,” but held my tongue.
I signed a few papers before we quietly headed for the parking lot. I was trying hard to pull it together but was failing miserably. My sunshine. All that fucking shit for seven years. Seven years! I tightly held her hand as we walked to the car and opened the door for her. She got in and kept her head down. I crouched down and tilted her chin so she’d look at me.
“Sunshine, don’t look down.”
Her bottom lip quivered and I reached in and hugged her. This girl has been through hell. Hell on earth had been quite real for her and very easily was nearly the past seven years of her life. Now I understood how she hadn’t been out on dates or taken to dinner or been made love to. Fucking Howard consumed her life for seven years.
“Do you still feel like having lunch with Gina and Matt, sweetie?”
“Yes. It’ll be nice to see them.”
I nodded, shut her door gently and walked around to get into the driver’s side. I reached for her hand again when I sat down in the driver’s seat. I was really at a loss of what to do or say right now. I wished Colin were here. He’d know what to do and what to say.
“Sunshine, talk to me. What are you thinking?”
“I don’t know. Everything is kind of numb. I feel embarrassed for being so stupid.”
“Sydney, there is nothing for you to feel stupid over. Sweetie you were so young and inexperienced. Howard knew it and used it to his advantage. He manipulated you.”
I looked down at the scars on her wrists while I rubbed the back of her hands. Fuck, she was barely able to drink alcohol legally when that asshole swooped in. I kissed her hand and asked her if she was sure she wanted to go to lunch. She reassured me that she still wanted to see Gina and Matt and I thought it might help take her mind off of things. I started the car but kept it in park while I started a text to Colin letting him know we were done and then started one to Matt.
AG: Col, just finished with Chris.
AG: 30 minutes Vegas Subs? Sydney is hungry and she needs the company to help keep her mind off things. Chris tore open some wounds.
My phone rang through the speakers of my car and I pressed the button on the steering wheel to answer. I knew it was Colin even though it was well after 2:00 a.m. over there.
“Hey, Col,” I said weakly. I tried clearing my throat to sound normal but I was feeling anything but normal and far from okay.
“Hey. Baby, did you like Chris?”
I noticed he didn’t ask what they talked about, which was probably smart of him. I may not have been able to keep myself together.
“He was nice.”
“Good, I’m glad. Was he easy to talk to?”
“I guess so. He asked hard things.”
While they spoke I was texting Matt back and forth.
MR: We’ll meet you there in a half hour. How is she?
AG: So-so.
I started to text him that I needed to vent but deleted it and ran my hand over my face. As Colin was telling Sydney how proud he was of her, I couldn’t help but think about what he’ll say once he finds out that Howard consumed and hurt Sydney for nearly seven years. I clamped my mouth shut and bit down on the inside of my mouth to prevent myself from telling him right then on speakerphone. I turned my head and looked out the window, shut my eyes and tried to breathe slowly. I released the inside of my mouth from the grips of my teeth when I started to taste blood. I picked up my phone again and started texting Matt. I hated to admit that I needed to bend his ear, but I needed to be strong for Sydney. And in order for me to do that, I needed to vent.
AG: Need to vent.
MR: We can talk this afternoon. I’m here for you. Try to relax and I’ll meet you guys in just a bit. We’re leaving the house now.
“When is the next appointment?” Colin’s tired voice filled the car.
“Next Monday at ten,” Sydney said and then looked over at me. “Will you still come, Anthony?” She asked me.
“Of course, sunshine. I’ll always go with you to the appointments and be by your side.”
“I’ll be there next Monday too, baby.”
“Both of you will go with me?”
Colin and I both promised her we would. There’s no fucking way I’d let her go talk about that shit by herself.
“Col, get some sleep and call me later.”
“Will do. I’ll catch you two later. Baby, listen to Anthony and stay close to him today.”
With that he was gone and Sydney and I were still sitting in the parking lot. I tried keeping my mind from the appointment with Chris and began babbling about Thanksgiving again. Sydney was talking and sounded like she was doing okay and was eager to move past this morning. She was doing much better than I was and thanked me for going with her.
“You’re welcome, sunshine. I’d go anywhere with you. And I meant what I said earlier. I’ll always be by your side at those appointments.”
I thought back to when my dad took me to see a psychologist after he took me away from my mom and Bruce. He’d wait in the waiting room for me and after I was done talking to the doctor, my dad would talk with him for a while. It was scary to have to go sit back in a room and talk to a stranger about that personal shit. I didn’t want Sydney to go at it alone. No fucking way.
Chapter 16
Tuesday, November 26th
Matt
Gina and I were just about ready when I got the text from Anthony that they were ready to meet for lunch. He actually admitted that he needed to vent. Things must be pretty bad for him to admit needing to vent. On our way to meet them for lunch Colin sent me a text. I read it as we were walking inside Vegas Subs.
CE: See how Anth is. They called and I got to talk to them for a few minutes. He was quiet and when he did talk, he didn’t seem himself. Sydney seemed down.
MR: Not to worry. He sent me a text saying he needed to vent. I’ll talk with Anth and see if Sydney and Gina can spend some time together.
CE: Thx Matt. I hate not being able to be with them today.
Gina and I got a table outside on the patio in the sun. I saw his car pull in and soon Anthony and Sydney were walking towards us with the server. Sydney sat down across from Gina and Anthony across from me. His body language told me that he was tired, worn out and stressed and Sydney looked preoccupied.
“Did you get to meet Tricia?” I asked them. I didn’t want to pry on what they spoke about with Chris. It was too much to expect either of them to talk about that right now. But I also didn’t want to pretend I didn’t know that this morning was difficult.
“Yeah, we met her. Seemed nice,” Anthony said.
“She was nice. She gave us bottled water before we started with Chris. They had an aquarium in the waiting room.”
Sydney was doing better than Anthony was, which surprised me some. Gina began talking to Sydney about how the aquarium was there when she was seeing
Chris as well. While the girls carried on a conversation, I watched Anthony run his hands through his hair and roll up his sleeves. This had been rough on both of them. I hoped there wasn’t anything too horrific that was revealed this morning. His voice even sounded different and he was visibly distracted.
The waitress came by to take our beverage order and they began studying the menus. I already knew what I wanted so I ended up paying attention to Sydney and Anthony. Like a strong Dom, Anthony tried to clear his head and make sure Sydney was taken care of. Just as Gina thrives on assistance with small decisions, Sydney does too. Anthony set his menu down and gazed at Sydney while gently stroking her back.
“Sunshine, what kind of sandwich would you like?”
Anthony let his arm drop to the back of her chair and rubbed on her arm. He helped her decide and we all placed our orders when the server came back over. The girls carried on most of the talking before our food came and during our meal.
“Sir, may Sydney and I paint our nails this afternoon?” Gina looked up at me and smiled. She could detect that Sydney could use some girl talk opportunities today. I was so happy Gina found a friend in Sydney.
“It’s alright with me, pet, but don’t forget your manners.”
Gina asked Anthony if it was okay. He nodded while he was eating and smiled at her. I knew Colin and Anthony were both happy that Gina and Sydney get along as well as they do.
“At Colin’s?” Anthony asked.
He looked over at me and I nodded. I knew they wanted and needed to be home where Sydney was at least comfortable. After we ate Gina and I followed them to the house. I reminded Gina to try and get Sydney to talk some this afternoon while they painted their nails. I told her not to push and pry, but at least get her talking. She had a much easier task ahead of her than I did.
I was worried about Anthony. Just a few nights ago he shared a glimpse of his disturbing childhood with Colin and I and I was afraid that maybe it pulled up some old memories and I worried that he thought we looked at him differently. Then there was the whole mess with Paul at Irons Sunday night. A lot had happened in just a few short days, and now he had to keep it together for Sydney. She needed him but if he didn’t get some of this shit off his shoulders, he was going to fall. I would help the best I could.
When we got inside the house Anthony took Sydney outside on the patio and pointed over to the tee closest to the patio.
“Sunshine, that’s where Matt and I will be. Don’t hesitate to come get me if you feel funny or upset or just want to be near me. Understand?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Gina, pet,” I called over to her and waited for her to look up at me. “We’ll be right there. Come get us if you need us.”
I trusted Gina’s judgment and knew Sydney would be fine with her. The girls went in and I followed Anthony over to get a driver and a bucket of balls. I didn’t bother picking up a driver though. I knew my role. My role was to sit on the bench and try to pull info from him while he beat the shit out of golf balls. I sat patiently while he nailed about a dozen balls. Finally he ended up reaching for his side and adjusted his sunglasses.
“What was the worst of it, Anth?” I finally asked. He teed up and started swinging again. I knew he heard me and I was wise to sit and wait for him. Like always, Anthony would talk when he was ready. I knew that and respected that.
“The worst part? I don’t even fucking know what the worst part was.” He hit another three balls before continuing. “I think the worst part might have been listening to how she dealt with things after that fucker would leave.”
He grabbed his side after he swung. Anthony was pouring all of his frustration out on the golf balls. He didn’t care what he was doing to his side. I knew if I brought it up, he’d likely throw something back at me about how it’s nothing compared to what Sydney has gone through.
“Or the worst part might have been telling a complete stranger such personal and painful things.” Another two balls went sailing out over the greens. “Or maybe it was listening to a stranger recite medical observations that were sitting in a manila file folder.” Six more golf balls were knocked around. “No, the worst part was hearing that for her first scene, she was cuffed to a St. Andrew's Cross, gagged and whipped. Then she was fucking left there! Hours went by, Matt. He left her cuffed, strained and hurt in a back room of Tails. Wait, it gets better. She’s found near closing time when an employee comes to clean the rooms. He lets her out of the restraints and lets her leave on her own. And she’s the one who feels guilty and deserving of that fucking shit.”
I’ve known Anthony for many, many years and I’ve never seen him this angry and affected. He was leaning on the driver now and his head was turned looking out over the green. He started shaking his head and then let the club fall to the ground. Anthony took his sunglasses off and wiped sweat out of his eyes with his sleeve and stuck the sunglasses on his head. I hadn’t been prepared to see him looking so turned around. He sat down on the bench next to me and leaned forward over his knees.
“She met him on her twenty-first birthday.”
I quickly did the math. She’s known Howard for about seven years. I swallowed hard. I don’t think any of us knew how long she had known or been involved with Howard before today. But I was sure none of us thought that long.
It was hard to listen to coming from Anthony. I can only imagine how hard it was for him to listen to this first hand from her. I thought back to Gina and how we had a lot of this type of stuff to deal with. Anthony explained how Sydney was so descriptive with the details regarding the sandpaper. On this particular evening she had described, he forced her into anal sex after he beat on her.
“Here’s more salt on the wound; Colin and I have been working on anal training with her. We didn’t know what her experience with it was. You know how Colin loves to give anal sex. He asked her if she had tried it and all she said was that she had been curious about it and tried it before, but that it wasn’t a good experience. She said she’d trust us with anything. She’s been doing well with it, but now I worry that maybe she’s just saying that she likes it but all it might be doing is bringing up old shit.”
“You and Colin would be able to tell if she was scared about it or uneasy doing it. I honestly believe that she does trust the two of you with everything. She knows you won’t hurt her.”
He nodded and continued to look downward or out over the golf course. After reading his medical file and the police file, I really don’t know how he hasn’t cracked. I wanted to talk to him some about it, but had a feeling it’d end badly. I needed to try though.
“Anth, the stuff you let Colin and I read the other night was heavy stuff. I wanted to apologize to you again for all the times I pushed you to tell us about your scar. I realize the guts it took for you to show those files to us. And I’m sorry that shit happened.”
Anthony waived his hand in the air casually. As if it’s everyday your best friend shows you legal and medical documentation on how they were abused in every possible way while growing up.
“It was a long time ago. It’s behind me.”
“Do you think about it still or have nightmares.”
“Not so much anymore. I had them all the time when I was living with my dad. He put my ass in counseling within a few days of me moving in. I worked a lot of it out. Like I said, it’s in my past.”
I had pushed and pulled quite a bit of his past out of him just now and he really needed to vent about other stuff today. I had to vocalize one more thing about his past and then I’d put it away.
“Anth, if you ever need or want to talk about anything from your past, you know Colin and I are here for you, right?” I had to make sure he knew.
“I know, Matt. Thank you, but really I’m good. It was a long time ago. Time is a healer.” Anthony paused for a moment and then returned to the topic of Sydney. “After Howard would leave her apartment and after she got out of those fucking wrist cuffs, she’d take herself to her bath
room and clean herself up. Alone. She’d sit in her cold shower, let the water hit her and let it all wash down the drain. She said she’d never face the drain because then she wouldn’t have to see the blood.” I could see his hands were clenched into tight fists. “That was the worst part, Matt.”
Christ. My heart went out to her. I understood why Anthony was so affected by today. Without a past of experiencing violence, it was rough enough to hear. But Anthony understood it. He personally witnessed violence daily while growing up and he experienced it. He also quite possibly faced the other way in the shower as Sydney had.
Anthony explained how sick to his stomach he felt when they first sat down and he saw her medical file sitting on the table. I knew what he meant. He had one too and it sickened him to think that they were alike in that regard. I reach over and put my arm around his shoulder and shook him a little, offering comfort.
“Anthony, I had no idea she had spent so much time with him. I know you’ve only begun scratching the surface of the painful memories, but you’re going to help her through this. And I’m going to help you. You and Colin were there for me when Gina and I were working through her past with Chris and struggling with so many things. You guys were there for me at all hours of the night.”
We both laughed some. I was a wreck back then. I was in love with Gina and we kept having setbacks. I’d call Anthony or Colin in the middle of the night sometimes. They always answered and never balked or got angry or were short with me. I wasn’t going to turn my back on Anthony or Colin.
We heard the patio door open and Sydney came out with Gina right behind her. Anthony jogged over to her and put his hands on her arms while I headed over to them.
“Check it out, Sir!”
Sydney pointed to her toes and smiled. They were yellow and had a happy face painted on each of the big toes. I could see the anxiety leave his shoulders and he smiled at them.