by Bijou Hunter
I frown at Journey, who shrugs. My other sister is giving the shotgun a death glare, and I suspect she might steal it.
Coretta looks worn down by life but not in a sweet old lady way. She seems as if she’d fuck any willing man and kill any possible threat. There’s something impressive about her snarling face. One day, I want to be a bitchy old person. Wouldn’t even mind if the local kids fear my house and think I’m a witch.
“Are you a lesbian?” Coretta asks Journey.
“No, but I am a bitch willing to punch foolish old ladies.”
Coretta snarls enough to show off her yellow canines. “You weren’t raised well.”
“Do you want those to be your last words?”
“Journey,” Christine admonishes. “Mom is just playing.”
“No, I’m not.”
“I know, but I don’t want Journey to kill you.”
Coretta takes a puff of her cigarette before focusing her blue-eyed gaze on me. I’m pretty proud of my bladder for holding fast despite my fear.
“Which one are you again?”
“I’m Justice, Grandma. Your favorite, remember?”
“Why do you have a boy’s haircut?”
“Because I knew you wouldn’t approve, and I wanted us to get off on the wrong foot.”
Coretta glances back at Christine. “Your daughters have rude mouths.”
“It’s genetic, no doubt.”
Grunting, Coretta finally looks at Poppy. “This one is beautiful. Looks like you,” she says to Christine. Our grandmother takes Poppy’s hands and lifts her arms to get a better look at her body. “She’s got all the right curves unlike those two.”
“Yay for Poppy!” I cry. “Grandma wants to bang her.”
Poppy yanks her hands free. “While you might want a piece of this, old timer, I’m too shallow to find you attractive.”
“Your kids are horrible, Christine. Maybe if you’d spent more time raising them and less time playing the working woman, they’d have turned out better.”
“They’re good girls. Spirited. Independent. Confident.”
“Stop,” I whisper to Christine. “You’re making it worse.”
“This isn’t going well.”
“Five bitchy women in one place will never go well. You should know that.”
“I’m not bitchy.”
Journey burst into laughter first. Poppy follows once she shakes off knowing Grandma thinks she’s hot. Hugging Christine, I try not to laugh in her face.
“If it makes you feel any better, she’s really old and will probably be dead soon.”
“She’s my mother,” Christine growls before glancing around and whispering, “People have been saying she’ll be dead soon since I was a kid. I suspect she’ll outlive us all.”
“Well then aren’t we the lucky ones?”
Coretta puffs on her cigarette and looks us over. “Maybe I am to blame for all this. I probably wasn’t a good enough mother, and that’s why you all turned out mediocre.”
“Sounds about right,” I say, glancing at a nodding Journey.
Christine places a hand on her Coretta's shoulder. “You did a great job, Mom.”
“Kiss ass,” Journey mutters, walking away.
I have the choice of following my sisters or staying with the kiss ass and her devil woman mother. Somehow, I don’t struggle with this choice.
We leave the porch and walk to where chickens run free. “Creepy.”
“Is it time to leave yet?” Poppy asks.
Wrapping my arm around her, I smile. “We’re supposed to have lunch with Uncle Mullet and his wife, Former Stripper. Oh, and Grandmother Dearest.”
“I bet she poisons the food.”
“I know I would if I had to put up with you and Journey.”
Journey gives me a grin and walks past the chickens pecking the ground. We end up at the back of the house where four pigs snort in a pen.
“I feel like I’m at the zoo,” Poppy whines.
“No elephants, though. Can’t have a zoo without an elephant.”
“She’s old and broke,” Journey says, glancing at the overcast sky. “She’s had a tough life. We should accept her shortcomings and get through our lunch.”
“Stop being rational,” I demand.
Poppy shakes her head. “Yeah, you threatened to kill her.”
“That’s so Journey,” I mutter. “She’s mean to your face and diplomatic behind your back. What a bitch.”
“So evil.”
Journey gives us double middle fingers and then looks at the pigs. “Let’s name them.”
We debate proper names for the pork foursome, deciding on the characters from the t. Since we don’t know the characters’ names, we have to Google them. By the time we’ve probably tagged the uninterested pigs, Christine is calling us for lunch.
A picnic table is set up on the front lawn, and I spot Uncle Mullet carrying out food. He’s a friendly guy who likes to steal cars. I’ve only met him twice since he’s always in jail for, you know, stealing cars.
“Look at you girls,” Uncle Mullet says, wearing the smile of the friendliest fucker in the world. “You got big.”
“Hey, Uncle Danny,” I say, using his real name since he’s too sweet to mock to his face.
His blond hair is a testament to every mullet-sporting Joe Dirt before him.
“Look at these girls, will ya?” Uncle Mullet says to his wife and former stripper, Kayleen. “They got so big.”
I fight the urge to sigh since I realize this is how the entire afternoon will go. Boring conversation, repeated compliments, and fake banter will only get broken up by the occasional snide remark by Coretta.
Journey carries to the table a pitcher of what I assume is Kool-Aid. Poppy stands next to me and whispers, “Now I know how the Griswolds felt when they visited Cousin Eddie in Vacation.”
“Nice reference, youngling. Now go inside and hug your grandmother so she can cop a feel.”
“Traitor,” my sister hisses even while fighting a smile.
We walk inside to grab various bowls filled with salads of the macaroni and potato variety. Aunt Kayleen shows off the brisket she worked on for a day and a half.
“Why so long?”
“So it’ll taste better, baby.”
I smile because she’s sweeter than I remember. Back in the day, she wore too much makeup and cackled rather than laughed. The woman scared the turds out of me. Now she’s sweet as sugar.
“That’s a different person,” Journey tells me when I mention the change in the woman’s demeanor. “You’re thinking of his last wife, Kaitlyn.”
“So this one wasn’t a stripper?”
“No, I think she was.”
“Well, this one is definitely an improvement.”
“Heard you’re seeing one of them Rawkfist bastards,” Coretta says, appearing from the house and joining us at the table. “You know how that one ruined Christine, don’t you?”
“By ‘that one,’ do you mean my dad?” I ask.
“Jared always was a charming liar,” Coretta says, sitting at the end of the table. “Lies spilled out of his mouth. Got Christine in trouble and tied her down with his kids.”
“By ‘his kids,’ do you mean us?”
“Don’t be so sensitive.”
Journey glances at me and then Poppy. Her expression tells us to behave. I give her my “smell my queef” look, and she shrugs.
“Those Rawkfist men are criminals. Thugs. Nothing more.”
Uncle Mullet awkwardly smiles at me as if apologizing for his mother’s harsh truth. Aunt Former Stripper, but Not The Former Stripper I Thought tilts her head, so her blonde hair falls sideways and makes her look like a curious puppy. It’s a cute look on her.
“My dad is awesome, and my boyfriend is awesome. Anyone who says differently is not awesome. That’s that, and I won’t discuss it further.”
“Rude mouths,” Coretta says to Christine, who plays deaf.
�
�Which of the Rawkfist thugs are you dating?” Uncle Mullet asks, giving me a wink, so I’ll know he’s teasing about the thug part.
“I can’t remember.”
“What?”
“I have a terrible memory. Things come and go in here,” I say, tapping my head. “I’m surprised I remember any of you.”
“She’s not well,” Poppy adds because she’s Poppy. “Sick in the noggin, she is.”
“Figures,” Coretta mutters.
“Mom,” Journey declares, ready to start trouble, “when will we visit Grandpa Earlham?”
Coretta lets out a hissing sound from her clenched teeth. Nearby, Christine remains so fully entrenched in her deaf act that I suspect she’s missed all of our fun conversation.
“Your grandfather is a dead man walking,” Coretta announces when Christine remains silent.
“So, you’re saying we should visit him as soon as possible then?” I ask.
Coretta glares at me. “Surprise you remember he exists.”
“Me too. I forgot all about you until today.”
Zeb Earlham is apparently a touchy subject for my mother too. My mention of her hermit father causes Christine to chew so rapidly she’ll likely hurt herself.
“Should we take you to the ER?” Poppy asks, still hoping to bail.
“I’m fine. So, Danny, how is work?”
Our uncle takes the hint and talks for the next thirty minutes about his exciting job at the recycle center. He and Kayleen met at work, and they tell a romantic story about how their eyes met over trash bins full of empty soda cans. By the time they finish sharing, we’ve finished eating, and Journey is already carrying plates inside to wash.
I follow my older sister into the house, hoping to end this family reunion as soon as possible.
“Put the leftovers in the fridge,” Journey instructs.
“Is that safe? The food’s been outside for the last hour.”
“That’s what the crone wants. Just do it.”
I take the covered plate and reach for the fridge handle. “What if she keeps human parts in here?”
“Push them aside and stack the leftovers.”
The fridge is full of unidentifiable crap, and I realize Grandma is a hoarder. This becomes even more apparent after we finish cleaning up. Checking out Christine’s old bedroom, we discover a wonderland of dusty boxes stacked nearly to the ceiling.
“She doesn’t like to throw things away,” Christine says, appearing behind us. “Says it’s wasteful.”
“Mom, you can talk again,” I say, hugging her.
“I forget how things are here.”
“You’re the black sheep of this dysfunctional family,” Journey says.
Hugging my mother tighter, I add, “Yeah, you’re Marilyn Munster if rednecks surrounded her rather than monsters.”
Christine rolls her eyes and walks outside. Uncle Mullet and his lovely wife are talking to the chickens. I don’t know where Grandma Grump went, but Christine stands on the porch.
“This is where I met Jared,” she says with a wistful sigh. “He and a couple of guys rode up on their Harleys, looking for Danny.”
“Was it horny at first sight?” I ask, leaning against the porch railing.
“Oh, yeah. He asked for Danny, and I couldn’t even speak.”
I share a look with Journey. Apparently, Christine’s inability to speak around our dad isn’t something new.
“I should have known to stay away from him. My dad was always saying how Rawkfist men were dangerous, but with Jared, I couldn’t look away. Everything I planned for my future disappeared when I met him.”
“He was also a way out of this place,” Poppy says, joining us. “If I were stuck here, I’d have grabbed onto the first viable man too.”
“Maybe it was that. I hadn’t dated much growing up because my parents didn’t get along with anyone and I kept to myself. When I met Jared, nothing else mattered. My parents told me to stay away from him, but I didn’t listen. It was the only time I told them to fuck off.”
“Poor thing,” I mutter. “Those would have been my first words.”
Journey nods. “Mine would have been ‘shut the fuck up, Justice.’”
Christine smiles at us. “I raised you to speak your mind, but I was raised to keep my thought to myself.”
“Why does the wench get to talk shit, but you have told your tongue?” Poppy asks.
“Because that’s just the way it is in Tumbling Rock.”
“But we don’t hold our tongues and never get struck down by lightning,” I say. “I think you need to realize you’re the one keeping those rules. You should tell her to stop bossing you around.”
“Yeah, you went out and got a career,” Journey says, jumping in and stealing my thunder. “What did she do besides collect every scrap of trash from the last twenty years?”
“I don’t know,” Christine says, seeming young.
Journey steps closer and wraps an arm around our mother’s shoulders. “You broke free when Jared showed up. You wanted something, and you went for it. You did the same thing when you wanted to become a vet. If you can put up with our shit, there’s no reason you can’t stand up to these people.”
Christine gives us an empowered nod and looks ready to challenge her mother. Then Coretta appears from the house and bitches about how we moved things around too much in the fridge. When Christine looks at her mother, her confidence disappears.
With Christine losing the ability to speak, Journey steps up and tells Coretta to bug off. Our grandmother narrows her eyes and points at Journey. She doesn’t say anything before disappearing into the house, but I have to wonder if she’s put a curse on my sister. Poppy thinks the same, and we torment Journey about it for the rest of the evening.
17 Black Sheep
Court
Pulling down the driveway to the Earlham house, I spot Jared sitting on the porch. He doesn’t react to my arrival, remaining stony-faced as I join him.
Inside the house, a dog barks, and I remember Justice saying the family has a Pug. She claims he’s so ugly he became cute. Her face always lights up when she talks about her family, and I hope she’s having fun with her grandmother. Though truth be told, I don’t know if anyone in town enjoys their time with Coretta Earlham.
“They’re on their way home,” Jared says, leaning back in the red rocking chair.
“Justice texted me earlier to say they were having fun. I think she was being sarcastic, but it’s hard to tell in a text.”
Jared smirks. “Those girls don’t know how to mute the attitude.”
“And I hope they never learn.”
Without looking at me, Jared mutters, “I’m unsure how I feel about you and Justice.”
“I understand that, but I’m not backing off. So if you’re looking to give me a father speech, I can’t see that ending with you satisfied.”
“I’m not saying shit about the two of you. If I get involved, Justice blames me for whatever happens. I’m no expert on women, but I know enough to keep my head down and mouth shut.”
Nodding, I’m relieved to avoid shit from Jared. The man is like a father to me, but I won’t give up Justice unless she takes out a restraining order. Even then, I’ll probably break it on a regular basis.
“Here they come,” Jared says with a hard edge to his voice.
When the SUV stops halfway down the drive, Jared and I frown at the idling vehicle. Three of the doors open and the sisters appear. Even confused about what they’re doing, I can’t help admiring Justice long legs as she steps out of the car. She spots me and smiles. Then she spots Jared, and her smile fades.
Christine backs the SUV out of the driveway before disappearing down the road.
“That woman,” Jared mutters, standing up as the girls walk the rest of the way to the house.
Journey arrives first. “Mom says hi,” she tells Jared while unlocking the door. “She couldn’t deal with you and her mother on the same day.”
Jared nods. “Your grandmother sure is a peach.”
“Is that code for bitch?” Poppy says, stepping onto the porch. “Hey, Justice, your piece of meat is here. Oh, and your dad too.”
Justice ignores her sister and focuses her attention on me. “Is something wrong?”
“No.”
Her gaze flashes to Jared and then back to me. “Are you still super hot for me or has something changed?”
“Are you messing with me?”
“For once, no, I’m not.”
I lean down and whisper, “I’d fuck you right here if your dad weren't watching.”
Justice looks at Jared, who’s watching us in the aggressive way I’d probably look at a criminal asshole cozying up to my daughter. I don’t blame him for giving us his death stare, but I also make no effort to remove my arm from around her shoulders.
“Dad, want to see the gym?” Journey asks.
After tearing his gaze from Justice and me, Jared exhales hard. “Sounds good.”
“It’s where she sculpts her guns,” Justice announces.
Journey grins and kisses her left bicep. “Wish I could punch people more often, but life ain’t like the movies.”
Jared smiles at his oldest daughter before following her around the porch to the detached garage.
“If he told you to stop seeing me, would you?” Justice asks, looking scared.
“No. If he told you to stop seeing me, would you?”
“Of course not. I haven’t obeyed my parents in nearly a decade. I’m certainly not starting now.”
“Want to show me your room?”
Justice’s eyes light up. Nodding wildly, she grabs my hand and tugs me into the house. The living room and kitchen are empty except for one of the cats. I hear music playing from a bedroom on the right side of the house.
“Poppy won’t be able to hear anything, and Journey will keep Dad busy for a long time.”
Justice leads me down a hallway lined with family pictures before we arrive at her bedroom. Locking the door, she gives me a bright smile.
“I missed you.”
“How was lunch with your grandmother?” I ask while I scan her blue and orange decorated room.
“Don’t make my pussy shrivel up?” she instantly says.
“Your room kinda looks like a beach resort.”