by Cassie Mae
“How do you love me?” he asks, voice tight.
“What?”
“You said you love me.” His fingers twitch over mine and hot breath crashes over my face, making my knees buckle. “In what way do you love me?”
I want to look at him—study his features and his expression because he’s watching me with that same intensity that causes waves of tummy tickles. But I find myself shutting my eyes, embarrassed by just how much I need him.
I love him as a friend. I love him as family. I love him as a book nerd, a dancing squirrel on the side of the road. I love him as a comfort, a confidant, a person, a guy. It’s so overwhelming I can’t hold myself steady, and I clutch onto him harder, wishing and wishing I could keep him here.
“In every way,” I croak, not able to stanch the flow of tears.
His heart slams against my knuckles, and I manage to open my eyes enough to look up at him. His glasses are tilted, and his lips part. His breath seems to have left the room as he moves his eyes back and forth, gazing into mine. I blink and more tears fall, and I don’t care that I’m crying. It’s okay to be vulnerable with Adam, and though that confused me before, I know why it’s okay now.
Adam’s breath comes back in a deep, long exhale that blows some flyaway hair from my face. He doesn’t say anything as his hands move from mine and trickle down my arms. His fingers pull gently at the skin by my elbows before they slide up to my shoulders. My heart flies with fast and furious wings, soaring up to my throat as he cups my face.
My mouth is open, and I’m breathing hard and my cheeks are wet with tears, but he wipes them away, replacing them with warm, healing trails. He leans in, forehead hitting mine as he taps a brief and light kiss to my top lip. It’s less than a second, but I shiver against him as the touch travels through my body. My fingers hold tight to his shirt, wanting to pull him in farther, but I can’t seem to move much at all.
His breath is hot against my mouth. His heart punches my knuckles over and over, and his hands burn against my neck. He takes another step into me, and my legs spread to let him get even closer. I watch his eyes while he watches mine, then they close and mine close, and his lips touch my top lip again. It’s longer this time—long enough for me to catch his bottom lip and taste the tears he kissed away. I shiver again and his mouth moves so I’m the one who has his top lip while he has my bottom, and we start kissing with more intensity. A deep sound erupts in the back of his throat, and his hands move from my neck to my thighs. He lifts me on the desk, and my butt hits everything on it.
“Ow.” I laugh around his mouth and my leftover tears. He helps swipe his keyboard from under my skirt. His lips turn into a smile against mine.
“Sorry, I was trying to be smooth about that.”
His fingers trace along the inside of my blouse near my hipbone, and I can’t control my breathing as I say, “You were smooth.” My legs grip his hips as much as my skirt allows, and one of his hands curls around my nape. He brings our mouths back together, his tongue tentatively reaching for mine in a small sweep across my bottom lip. I swing my arms around his neck, and his glasses press tight against my face. He reaches to take them off, but I don’t want them off. I like them there. I like his glasses and his red hair and his pocket tees and his warm smile. I grab his wrist and guide his hand back to my waist, letting him dip underneath my shirt and spread his fingers over my skin. Shivering and gasping under his palms, I tug on his hair and taste all the different corners of his mouth, then let him do the same to me.
He’s the first taste of soda after nothing but water. He’s hot chocolate mid-winter. He’s the first crack when opening a brand new hardback. He’s bacon for breakfast, fuzzy socks for Christmas, candles in a blackout. Everything I love, and never fully appreciate until I go without it for a long, long time.
Tingly bubbles stroke my tongue, travel every inch to my toes. A rush of vertigo hits me, like I’m falling and flying all at once. My heart pounds, wanting to beat right out of my body and into his pocket. And it feels like his is doing the same, and I want to hold onto it—cherish that heart and keep it safe for the rest of forever.
I gasp when his teeth pull at my bottom lip, and more and more sounds cascade from my mouth as he bites and kisses a path across my jaw and down my neck. His forehead rests on my shoulder, and he pauses there, breathing hard against my skin, warm air soaking into my shirt. I gulp and try to resist the urge to pull his mouth back to mine and kiss him till the end of the world—then longer than that.
“That really just happened, right?” he asks into my neck. His eyes lift as I let out a breathy laugh.
“I think it’s still happening.”
He smiles before kissing me again, and my heart won’t stop singing and my legs won’t stop shaking. And his touch is everywhere. In my hair, running down my spine, over my hips, clutching the crook of my knee, on my shoulders, holding my hands. I can’t catch my breath. I can’t even think. Not even when a constant buzzing reaches my ears and something vibrates against my knee.
He breaks away with a sigh, pulling his phone from his pocket and answering with a very out of breath, “Hello?”
I move back as much as I can to get rid of the flush going through my neck.
“Hey, yeah. I’ve got it.” He gestures to the flash drive, and I pull it out and hand it over. “Yep, be there in ten.”
He quirks a grin at me as he shoves his phone back in his pocket. I do something I’ve never ever done before. I poke my bottom lip out and bat my eyes.
“Not even in the wedding party, and they are demanding your services.”
“It wouldn’t be a Star Wars wedding without the proper light show during the cake cutting.”
I scoot to the edge of the desk, and his hands settle on my waist as he helps me off. “I could go for cake,” I say.
“Maybe I can finally dance with you.”
“Finally?”
“I’ve been trying to ask you all night.”
“Hmm…” I playfully tap my chin. “I don’t know. I’m still mad at you.”
I’m sorta teasing, but his smile fades, and he pulls me close, nodding against my forehead. “I know. We can talk about the long distance thing, I promise. But can we just… not tonight?”
I wish I had a pause button so I won’t have to talk about it ever. But I agree, and he gives me a brief kiss that turns into a not-so-brief kiss. We break apart when his phone buzzes again.
“Okay, we really have to go. No distracting me.”
What feels like a permanent smile hits my lips, and I push him two feet away and speed walk to the car. But once he hands over that flash drive, all that space I just gave him is going to close right up.
Chapter 26
Anything to keep her from table dancing.
So I only sort of dance with Adam. We get back to the wedding, and he’s instantly carted away. Then we have to sit for a while for a slideshow and toasts. Adam sneaks to the table during Levi’s speech, taking the spot next to me and putting one of his arms over the back of my chair. My body instantly moves into his touch.
Jolie sends me eye signals when she sees Adam hold my hand. After lots of pointed looks, I finally mouth to her that I’ll tell her all about it later, so she leaves us alone and flirts with the guy who’s totally into her.
Zak and Zoe cut the cake. The light show is pretty cool, and it really does look like they are slicing the thing with light sabers. The inside is dark chocolate, and my mouth pools thinking about how good that’ll taste. If I ever get married, I’m so having a chocolate cake.
Zoe dances with Zak, then her dad, then we all dance, and I finally get a whole song with Adam before they announce the bouquet toss. Sierra and Ariana battle for the toss, Ariana winning in the end. But Levi gets the garter, so Sierra doesn’t pout too long.
We wave off the bride and groom, and Adam grabs my hand, pulls me to the hall with all the red light sabers and brings me in close.
“You want to get out
of here before we’re wrangled into cleaning up?”
I nod, and he weaves our fingers together. We laugh and run all the way to his Geo.
He takes the long way home, circling the neighborhoods, and we talk about the wedding mostly. We’ve agreed not to talk about the internship tonight, but I can’t help but bring it up a little—just the fact that I’m not in the least bit surprised he got it. He stops at a gas station and buys me a bag of M&Ms. We sit on the trunk and fight over the green aphrodisiac myth he’s determined to prove as he pops one in my mouth. Then we share chocolate flavored kisses, and maybe he has something on the whole green M&M theory. But I won’t admit that out loud.
His hand doesn’t leave mine once we get back in the car. I lean on his shoulder, breathe out a content sigh, not allowing my brain to count the days I’ll have left like this with him.
“Where am I taking you tonight?” he asks, pressing his cheek to the top of my head. “Sierra’s? Jolie’s?”
I stifle a yawn and shake my head. “I think… I think I’m going to try home.”
“You want me to stay with you for a bit?”
“I’ll be okay.”
His thumb caresses my knuckles as he flicks his blinker on and flips a U. I snuggle as much as I can into his side, inhaling the smoked almonds and whatever guy-like deodorant he wears. It’s weird that I’m not even nervous about going back home tonight. Who knows if I’ll talk to my mom or if I’ll just go to bed. But I finally feel strong enough to take that step.
Adam pulls up to the trailer, and on some sort of subconscious level I think about how Jay never did this because I never felt comfortable sharing this part of me. But with Adam, I’m comfortable sharing all parts of me. Seems like a big flashing sign that my stupid brain didn’t see until it’s in the rearview.
“Library tomorrow?” I ask him when I open the front gate.
“After my shift.”
I smile, and his cheeks push his glasses up slightly when he smiles back. Keeping our hands locked, I step into him, pressing our lips together for my first ever goodnight kiss on the porch. The tickle monster plants real estate in my stomach, and without even meaning to, my left foot rises two inches from the ground.
He lingers a bit, and I keep pulling him back for kisses when he goes to leave, or he keeps running back for more two seconds after he turns around. And the thing is, I thought kisses were meant to make you forget problems or take you to places somewhere outside of yourself. But maybe real kisses don’t make you forget, they make you feel like you can take on anything.
When Adam finally gets to his car, I step into the trailer, bouncing like a balloon on the ceiling, unable to fly clear to the freaking moon. I lean against the door, one hand on the doorknob, vision not all that focused.
I wonder if he’s still out there. Maybe I can catch him if I move fast.
But something shifts on the edge of my peripheral.
“You’re home,” Mom says, sitting up from the couch. When my kiss-induced fuzzy vision blinks back to normal, I take in her matted hair on one side, tired eyes, and holey pajama bottoms.
“Yeah.” I bring one foot up and slide a heel off. Mom’s gaze flicks over my pastel skirt, and a small smile crosses her face.
“You look gorgeous. Your hair…”
“Jolie did it for me.”
“It’s beautiful.”
There’s an awkward pause when I debate on saying thank you, but I’ve never really been good at that. And I’m still not sure if I want to talk with her tonight, or if I’m just going to do this “coming back home” thing one step at a time.
“Um, I’m going to head to bed,” I say. Then I pad my way across the smashed carpet. A stray piece of hair flies into the corner of my mouth, and when I push it back into place, my feet stop dead. Mom doesn’t say a word. I can’t even hear her breathing. And I squeeze my eyes tight, unlocking that part inside of me that keeps things to myself.
“Actually… no.” I turn to face her, shoulders back, standing as tall as my short frame allows. “I want to talk.”
Mom’s blue eyes pop wide, and she slides over, opening a seat for me, but I stay where I am.
“I promise I didn’t—”
“No,” I cut her off. “I want to talk, and I want you to listen.”
She purses her lips, and a giant grey cloud forms over us. I beg my feet not to run. I beg my voice to work. Please get through this, Brea. Face it.
“I can’t be in a house where that stuff goes on,” I say, voice shaking, but I don’t allow my gaze to drop. I keep my eyes focused on hers. “I won’t do it.”
She nods, the corners of her mouth turning down. I take a deep breath and step forward.
“I know things are bad. I may not be the one looking at the bills, but I understand what’s happening. But no matter how bad things are, they are never that bad. Never.”
“I know,” she says right into my eyes. I find myself sitting next to her, the closest I’ve dared to get since that day.
“I’m sorry Dad left. I’m sorry you have to float from temp job to temp job. I’m sorry I haven’t been doing everything I can to help out.” My gaze finally drops to my hands because suddenly my mom is holding them. She hasn’t touched me like this in who knows how long. We haven’t talked like this in… well, ever. “I promise I’ll get a job and help out, but please… please don’t do…that…for me. I won’t stay here. I won’t be the reason.”
Her thumbs run across mine and a tear drops onto our skin. She sniffs, and I don’t look at her because I’m not sure if I can stand to see it.
“You don’t have to be sorry at all,” she says.
“Okay, I won’t be then.” I smile to lighten the grey clouds over our heads, and she lets out a small, snotty laugh.
“I didn’t go through with it.” She picks my chin up. “You have to know that. He was gone right after you left, and I haven’t been able to look at myself since.”
“I know. You said that before, but you made it sound like you were still gonna…”
“I was mad at myself. I had gone through every scenario, justified it all, and wanted you to know my intentions were good. That I hadn’t made a mistake. But that’s all codswallop and we both know it.”
“Codswallop?” I laugh, and she does too. Then her arms are around my shoulders, and my face buries into her chest.
“I’m so sorry, my Brea. You are so strong and smart and brave. So I promise I’m going to be those things too.”
“I’ll help out,” I mumble into her shirt. “I was offered a job, and I’ll help you find one too.”
“I’m sorry that you have to—”
“I want to.” I squeeze her tight, let her hold me back, and the clouds part. We’re like that till Levi walks in, and I make my way to my room, promising Mom I’ll stay there as long as she keeps her word. Levi stares at us both with the most confused expression, but Mom kisses her fingers and crosses her heart. And I do the same.
Chapter 27
Why can’t I be right at least once in my life?
The sharp corner of a sign that says “You’ll love our nuts!” falls right on my forehead. “Balls!” I curse at the damn thing and swipe at my face.
Adam bends over, stifling a big grin as he picks the sign off the grass and hands it back to me. “I think you mean ‘Nuts.’”
“Haha.” I push his face back a bit with my furry hand. “Am I bleeding? Do I need stitches? I told you I should’ve kept the head on.”
“Stop it, you’re fine.” A light touch across my forehead sends healing butterflies to my skin and even if I was bleeding, I could swear Adam has magical powers and he sealed the wound right up. “You keep catching it on your tail. Wanna try it without the costume?”
I shake the sign at him, blinking away at the burning sun that’s also causing the sign twirling issues. Every time I look up, I’m blinded to death. “I guess. But I still think people are going to pass that corner and wonder why the super talented, s
ign twirling squirrel suddenly can’t even walk without falling on his face.”
“You could always twerk.” An evil smirk plants itself on his lips. “We already know you’re a pro in this costume.”
“You really want me to hurt you, huh?”
He laughs, takes a step closer, and wraps his forefinger and thumb around my forearm. “When you toss it in the air, let go when your hand gets in this position.” He rotates my wrist, back and forth, several times while my pulse beats under his fingers. “Continue the motion for two beats, keeping your eye on the sign. It’ll come back down right where you need it to.”
He drops his hand, takes a step back, and grabs one of the waters we set on his back porch.
“Fine, but if this thing hits me in the face again, we’re going inside so you can kiss it better.”
A wet choking sound spews from his mouth as he coughs up the gulp he just took. I make no effort to cover my laughter while he recovers. Ever since we kissed, and I confessed that I’m totally in love with him, I make little comments like that just to get his adorable reaction. Thing is, if I’m being honest with myself, I keep waiting for him to say he loves me back. Which is fine I guess if he doesn’t…
Actually no. I want him to say it. And he hasn’t. It’s driving me absolutely insane.
I shake the thoughts away and send the sign into the air. It wobbles, and the damn sun makes my depth perception go out of whack. Then the cardboard crash lands on my head.
“Nuts!” I say just for him. He growls and shakes my furry shoulders.
“You didn’t do the wrist thing!”
“Oh yeah.” I laugh. “Sorry, I forgot already.”
“Yeah right. You just wanna…” He waggles his eyebrows and makes kissy faces at me. I gasp and jump on him, nearly taking him down with my bulk.
“Are you accusing me of messing up on purpose?”
“I know what I saw!” he yells into the costume. Laughter shakes us both until he manages to get me to the ground. I feel like a turtle on its back.