by Carrie Gress
The photographer continued to try to console her, plying her with compliments. “Really, everyone feels like this in the beginning!”
She had a flashback to the day she heard models referred to as “hangers,” and then thought to herself, “Objects don’t have a problem being used. I never want to get used to being an object.”
Leah quickly got dressed and then had to make the longest walk of her life across the expansive warehouse to the exit.
Since cajoling wasn’t working, the photographer’s anger flared. All the demons were out, and he unloaded. “Who do think you are? We are only doing Tyra Banks a favor, but you are old, ugly, fat. You have cellulite. You are 1,000 percent unf***able! You are only good because we make you good. We have to fix your unf***able looks so you can look f***able!”
His last line expressed the foundation and epitome of the beauty industry at large—it was all about making women objects of sexual desire.
“If you leave here, you will be nothing!” he sneered at her.
“Do you promise?” was her sincere response. She wanted to get as far away from this empty shell of a world as possible.1
For women in our culture, beauty weighs heavily upon us as an external criterion that we must strive for. It is, however, an unsatisfiable ideal. The fashion industry, as we saw earlier, sets the standard for what “beautiful” women are supposed to look like. What they mean by beautiful is a whole lot different than what beauty is really meant to be. Here again is the chasm between our culture and Mary, between a “beauty” of sexual objectification and a true beauty that stirs the soul, pulls us out of ourselves, and lifts the heart and mind to the Creator of all things. One is edifying, compelling, and uplifting, the other tawdry, seductive, dehumanizing.
Marian Beauty
While researching my book The Marian Option, in every apparition of Mary that I encountered, the visionary said she was the most beautiful woman he or she had ever seen. Initially, I found this detail rather prosaic—of course Our Lady is beautiful—but then the greater importance behind her beauty finally hit me. Mary’s beauty is important because it is the outward expression of her complete perfection emanating from God’s beauty.
It is also easy to underestimate just how beautiful Mary is. The saints help us to comprehend her unfathomable beauty. “She is so beautiful,” St. Bernadette reported, “that once you have seen her, you want to die to be able to see her again.”2 St. Therese testified to Our Lady’s beauty during her great suffering as a child. Little Therese turned to a statue of Mary near her bed and begged Mary to have pity upon her. “All of a sudden, the statue became alive! The Virgin became beautiful, so beautiful that I could never find words to express it. … But what penetrated to the roots of my being was her ravishing smile. At that moment, all my pains vanished.”3 Padre Pio (now St. Pio) was once overheard saying, “Jesus was correct … yes, you are beautiful … if there were no faith, men would say you are a goddess … your eyes are more splendid than the sun … mommy. I take pride in you. I love you.”4
When one visionary asked Mary why she was so beautiful, she responded, “Because I love.”
Our Lady brought a new kind of beauty and dignity for women into the world. Up until the fullness of the teaching about her, until Christians understood her as Virgin, Mother, and Queen, the fullness of dignity for women hadn’t come into full recognition. She set a new watermark for womanhood. “The man, formerly a tyrant and ruler over the woman,” Cardinal Mindszenty explains, “becomes a troubadour and servant of the lady now that the gospel has come into the world. The spiritual beauty which God’s hand has caused to bloom in the dignity of motherhood holds man spellbound. Tyrannous sensuality gives way in woman’s presence, because purity, sanctity, and a heavenly radiance encompass her.”5
Like all of God’s gifts, Our Lady’s beauty isn’t meant just for her. Even if her beauty surpasses all others, she isn’t the only woman made to be beautiful. True beauty is not an unattainable ideal, nor is it simply a temptation to vanity. Rather, beauty is what God wills for women. He has placed in women the desire for beauty so that we can reveal his beauty to the world. Women have a unique gift to draw men and children to them—and through them to God—through their beauty.
Women Are Supposed to Be Beautiful
There is a well-known Dostoevsky trope that says, “beauty will save the world.” The famous Russian is usually taken to mean beauty found in the material arts. Music, architecture, and sculpture are rightfully being plumbed for their world-saving abilities, particularly how they lead a soul back to God. But there is one stone that has yet to be unturned when considering the role beauty plays in saving the world: women.
The desire to be beautiful is deeply embedded in a woman’s soul. How do we know this? Because like we saw with fertility in the last chapter, it is seen in our bodies. Women’s bodies are beautiful, no question. They are a timeless theme in art. But also like the fertile body points to a fertile soul, the beautiful body helps signify the presence of beauty in the soul—when we cultivate it.
Each year, American women spend hundreds of billions of dollars on plastic surgery, cosmetics, and weight loss. While we can scoff at this with Qoheleth and say, “Vanity of vanities!” (Eccl 1:2), perhaps there is something to this that goes deeper than vanity? What if God has put that desire into our hearts for a reason? Even the smallest girl will tell you she wants to be as beautiful as a princess. This isn’t just cultural conditioning; it is something universal that sits squarely in the feminine heart.
Women’s magazines today offer us a different kind of beauty, a beauty to be used as a superficial means of acquiring other things we want: to allure men, impress our friends, or to be admired. The notion that what is beautiful should point beyond itself to the source of all beauty—the Creator—is far, far away. The hollowed-out beauty that only goes skin-deep makes women like “whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness” (Mt 23:27). The “beauty” in the fashion industry, as Leah Darrow found out the hard way, is an imitation of beauty, an imitation of love. She describes it as a big stick of cotton candy: looks great, tastes great, but dissolves into nothing. Actually, it dissolves into something worse than nothing because its shallowness roams about infecting others. The woman who seeks beauty without also seeking God ends up “ghostly and banal,” von Le Fort says. “A countenance emerges that denotes the complete opposite to the image of God: the faceless mask of womanhood.”6 We see this face daily: sullen, pouty, joyless, serious, without a hint of living character.
The Blind Leading the Blind
As we saw in chapter 6, the matriarchy wields a tremendous amount of influence on everyday women. The bulk of advice women hear on what constitutes happiness or healthy relationships comes from women who are acting from deep brokenness—a brokenness they have passed on to further generations. It is advice that comes from women who have shown themselves to be dishonest, particularly if it serves their political cause, and women who believe firmly that sterile sex trumps any notion of family. Their advice comes from a working environment where manipulation, self-gratification, and narcissism are the norms. Men are play things, gender fluidity is fundamental, and coupling with other women (in the singular or plural) is viewed as exotic or even the ideal. This is the kind of advice that will only redound into further brokenness.
These women and the advice they offer are still operating under the impression that human nature can change. Since women have changed, the argument goes, men must also have changed their desires and interests, or simply have adapted to the new version of women, which look a lot more like them, or are dripping with superficial sensuality. The reality, however, is that men haven’t changed that much. Many are just waiting for the boomerang to come back around and for women to act like women again, but the wait might be long if we keep looking to elite women for advice.
The one place few women consider looking for advice, part
icularly about relationships, is to men. History offers incredible windows into what men think about women when they aren’t afraid to reveal what they really think. Millennia of poetry, music, and literature offer an exquisite picture of what it is in a woman’s soul that moves men. From the dawn of time, men have crooned over particular attributes they love about women: loyalty, sweetness, a calming presence, kindness, thoughtfulness. Homer, Dante, Petrarch, the Beatles, Elvis, James Taylor, Sting, the Grateful Dead, Tim McGraw, and on and on—all speak of loving a truthful, kind, loyal, soulful woman who brings them peace. The message from men hasn’t changed. Take, for example, this from Shakespeare’s “Sonnet 29”:
When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man’s art and that man’s scope
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
(Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven’s gate;
For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.
Or “She Walks in Beauty” by Lord Byron,
She walks in Beauty, like the night
Of Cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
meet in her aspect and her eyes.
These are timeless poems, joining the thousands of songs written for the women who are loved for their goodness, beauty, honesty, and loyalty. Not to mention the women that inspired the likes of poets Dante and Petrarch—Beatrice and Laura—who have served as great muses for the poets of the ages. This sort of “fair” love that exceeds the lowly regions of the soul could not have come about without the role played by the ideal woman: the Virgin Mother and Queen. Contrast this ideal with its opposite. Songs have not been written for nagging, angry, self-absorbed women. These are simply not the qualities that lift men’s souls.
Pastor Bill Johnson of the Bethel Church once told a story of how his wife inspires him. “Scripture says I’m supposed to fill my mind with certain things. If I am struggling with that, here is what I do: I will think about my wife because she is everything in verse 8 (Phil 4:4–8).”7 He continues, “She … is so true, so absolute, so life giving, she is so lovely, and praiseworthy and virtuous. She is so excellent. All those things.” Just thinking about her goodness helps him recalibrate, he explains. “I will start to think specifically about [the goodness of my wife] and it is hard to be mad at anybody if I am thinking of those things.”8
Women’s beauty isn’t meant to fuel our vanity; it is meant both to reflect the goodness and love of God and also draw those around us to him through our gifts. The beauty—both of body and soul—has arguably been the most powerful evangelical force for Christianity in history. Why? Because men crave it, look for it, and want it permanently in their lives.
Some secular women, having tried everything, are now considering that perhaps they should be nice to their husbands instead of constantly nagging and voicing their disappointment and rage to him. With 70 percent of divorces initiated by women, there is ample blame to attribute to husbands, but little to no discussion about what women might be contributing to the split.
In a shocking admonition, love expert Andrea Miller over at Your Tango, a website dedicated to love and relationships—which also has a section on zodiac signs and horoscopes and isn’t remotely Catholic—has suggested the radical idea that a wife’s job is, in fact, to make her husband happy. She explains, “Too often these women—even the strongest, smartest, most independent of them—weirdly believe that if they inflict enough pain back onto their partners or exact enough control of them, they’ll suddenly get with the program. Instead, the opposite usually happens. Their partners—not feeling loved enough and tired of feeling nagged, controlled, and criticized—do the opposite. They withdraw and tune out. And the cycle of drama and dysfunction only becomes more vicious and protracted.”9
Miller goes on to explain that after realizing the pain she was inflicting upon her spouse wasn’t making either of them happy, she tried something else: tenderness, less judgment and punishment, and more affection. The results, she explains, were brilliant. “I started tuning much more actively into my husband—prioritizing him, touching him regularly (holding his hand, sitting very close to him, hugging him, rubbing his shoulders, etc), more actively praising and appreciating him, and—crucially—not letting my ego get the best of me and not letting my need to be right lead to Armageddon. As a result, I have managed to bring out the best in my husband.”10
While bringing out the best in her husband, Miller brought out the best of herself—kind, warm, thoughtful, compassionate. For decades, women have been told that somehow, we can be happy without these things, but the real secret is as old as poetry and song.
Arriving at true beauty is one of those ironic qualities that populate ancient story telling—it arrives as soon as it is no longer sought. The truly beautiful woman knows that her real goal isn’t superficial beauty. And it is the wise man who knows that this woman must exist and is worth seeking. Sadly, such women are not easy to find. As a result, men are left with surrogates that may briefly satiate the body but will never satisfy the soul.
Yes, the beauty of women will save the world far more quickly than any painting or sonata. The real battle is to remind those made to be beautiful to embrace it at its Source. It is not found in any cosmetic surgery, diets, or facial cream. Nor is it in seduction, sarcasm, cynicism, cursing, narcissism, greedy ambition, or power. It is simply in embracing the lives of others, allowing them to live in us, and then to serve their needs. It may not always be glamorous, but it is always beautiful.
In the end, the desires of women’s hearts are to be beautiful, to be fruitful, to have their dignity respected, and most essentially, to be known and loved. Mary is the perfect model of how all of these things come to pass in the one who is loved by God and who has an authentic relationship with him. Living Catholicism offers women all of these. “You open your hand, you satisfy the desire of every living thing” (Ps 145:16).
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1Leah Darrow, phone conversation with the author, August 2018.
2Quoted in Bramonte, Virgin Mary and Exorcism, 62.
3St. Therese of Lisieux, Story of a Soul, Autobiography (ICS Publications, 1996), 51.
4Bamonte, Virgin Mary and Exorcism, 62.
5Mindszenty, The Face of the Heavenly Mother, 89.
6von le Fort, Eternal Woman, 16.
7“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Phil 4:8).
8Bill Johnson, “A Lifestyle of Peace,” Bethel Church Podcast, September 16, 2018, http://podcasts.ibethel.org/en/podcasts/a-life-style-of-peace.
9Andrea Miller, “Yes, Ladies, It Is YOUR Job to Make Your Husband Happy,” Your Tango, April 14, 2017, https://www.yourtango.com/2017301821/yes-ladies-wife-job-make-husband-happy-marriage.
10Ibid.
PART IV
Modern Women and Mary
CHAPTER 10
Imitating Mary
“The holier a woman is, the more she is a woman.”
—Leon Bloy
A look at women and girls in the Church today gives us a rather dismal picture. Teenagers, who may have had a devotion to Our Lady and Jesus when they were smaller, have quickly abandoned it for more glittery diversions, particularly the interests of their peers, funneled to them through Teen Vogue, Seven
teen, TV sitcoms, Hollywood films, and social media. The Church—appearing outdated and boring—quickly becomes irrelevant and a nuisance in comparison to these new-found charms of life. In such a culture, Mass attendance and reception of the sacraments become boxes to be checked off for parents. Years later, perhaps when it is time to get married or a baby is on the way, the old habit of faith might creep back in. But this not-yet-prodigal daughter may only be back with her body and not with her heart. The heart for Christ she had as a young child is still cold, frozen by the cares of the world. She has a desire to get married in a beautiful church, but more for the show of it than any spiritual reason. Or perhaps she has a desire to baptize her own child, but only because it seems like the right thing to do. She goes to Mass out of obligation, but she’s restless like she was as a teenager. The power of the Mass and the presence of Christ in the Eucharist scarcely penetrate her soul as her mind wanders to her to-do list, travel plans, and work projects. Whatever it is, love of a divine Savior doesn’t find a way to focus her attention.
The Church has lost the majority of women. Even many women who populate the pews are not living, thinking, praying, and loving with the Church. They tolerate it for one reason or another, while feeling themselves keenly outside of it. There is no intimacy between her and the God who comes down from heaven and offers himself to her everyday; there is no stirring of love for the God who has given her everything; there is no awareness that many of the things she does in her life cause him tremendous pain. This absence of what ought to be there is the tug of the anti-Mary.
Despite all of this pressure against women and the depth of the sins against the family in particular, the specific target—women—tells us much about the age in which we are living. French priest Fr. Andre Feuillet, who experienced the painful scars of the twentieth century, wrote this in 1974: “The Christian Church is presently experiencing a very severe crisis. The most evangelical way of viewing this, without in any way trying to minimize it and without ceasing to call evil what is so in fact, is to see in this terrible trial the painful childbearing of a new Christian world. Just like the time of the Passion of Christ, these times we live in are very especially the Hour of the Woman above all, therefore, the Hour of the Woman par excellence of the new covenant, the Hour of Mary.”1