by Bree Dahlia
“Your dad wanted us to be together?” I knew I always liked him.
“He wanted me to be happy, and I would’ve been happy with you.”
“And we both know how your mom felt.”
“It’s not that she didn’t like you, Maddie. She just wanted me to follow a more traditional path.”
“A path that led you far away from me.”
He drags his fingertips lightly up and down my back, and I squirm from the tickle. “Did you ever consider the possibility that she’s rectifying things now? Because I have.”
I pick my head up. “What are you talking about?”
“Who knows? She could be looking down and realizing my dad had the right idea after all. That it really is all about happiness. Maybe the path that led us apart is the same one that brought us back together.”
“What, like some heavenly dating service?” Not that I care to speak ill of the dead, but I’m not even convinced that’s where she’s living.
He flashes me a dimple, and I can’t resist scooting up to kiss it. “Far crazier things have happened.” He holds the sides of my face in his palms. I can feel the love. “There has to be a reason we found each other again. It could be written in the stars.”
Written in the stars.
Guess what’s under me?
Um, that doesn’t sound good.
My mind plays cruel games with me, thinking about what—or who—could be under him. I don’t like it one bit. I want to be the only one beneath.
Our bench.
I break out into a goofy-ass grin. Our bench.
If you have to be on top of anything, that’s the best place to be.
No, the best place is on top of you.
I’m triggered instantly. God, I just went from jealous to giddy to horny in two minutes flat.
So, how is our bench doing?
It’s lonely.
How can a cheery bench be lonely?
Several minutes pass without a response. I wait for it while manually swishing my chime like I so often do on wind-challenged days. The stars sway, scattering light across the room. They still symbolize new beginnings, but the message has changed for me.
Written in the stars.
My phone sounds and I rush over. Because you’re not on it too. I click the attached photo. Half the bench is a sad face created with small rocks he must’ve collected from the trail. It’s so silly. I love it.
You’re right. It does look lonely.
Now the question is, what are we going to do about it?
I’ll be there in twenty.
I clean up, quickly gathering all my papers and pencils from the table and tossing them in my bag. I’m ahead of schedule. I can afford to take the day off.
Minutes later, I’m in my car feeling like I could fly instead. I haven’t been to The Gardens since I swore to myself I wouldn’t anymore. It makes no sense. Why should I hold on to this one promise when I haven’t any of the others?
I’m on my way to Jake. That’s the main reason for the thrill dancing up my spine. I’d have the same reaction if I were meeting him for a game of beer pong in a campus dorm room. But going to the place where it all started just makes the sweet even sweeter.
There’s little traffic at this hour, so I make it in record time. I park, then cut through the trails until I spy the sunny bench at the end of the footbridge. And there’s Jake. Waiting for me.
He turns his head and sees me, flashing his teeth so bright it radiates over to me. I beam right back.
He stands and I run over, leaping into his arms. As he spins me around, I wonder how we must look to an outsider. If I were watching, I’d guess we were a couple deeply in love, reuniting after a long separation.
Which, come to think of it, is exactly what we are.
It’s only been days since we’ve last been together, but so many years wasted before that. We have a lot of catching up to do.
“I’m glad you’re here. I missed you.”
“I missed you too.”
He sits, drawing me down on his lap, and my initial carefree mood fades a bit. This is the first we’ve been so open in public since crossing paths again. It’s too easy to jump right back into our previous roles, especially here where I feel free and untouchable.
“What’s wrong?” He fingers a strand of my hair, brushing it over my cheek.
“We’re married. Aren’t you worried about anyone seeing us like this?” But yet I don’t move. I remain firmly planted on top of him.
“Just because I don’t love Reyna doesn’t mean I want to hurt her. I don’t want to cause her unnecessary pain. But with that being said, I feel like our affection is nothing but natural. I don’t want to hide it.”
“I don’t want to either, but it’s different for me. You know that.”
“Different. Not easier. Don’t forget that.”
My head tells me numerous times that I should hop off and go sit on my half of the bench. That we can still enjoy each other without flashing the obvious. But my heart tells me to stay right where I am. That’s where I belong.
I follow my heart.
“I won’t forget.” I snuggle in closer.
“But I don’t want to diminish your concerns either.”
I run my finger over his tattoo, imagining I’m sixteen again and drawing it for the first time. I sat right here on this very bench. The realization is mind-boggling.
“Maybe if we were walking hand in hand down State, it’d be one thing,” he continues. “But here it feels safe. Our world and ours alone and no one can enter without permission.”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
I want to design a backyard like this someday. A safe haven I can escape to at a moment’s notice. With bleeding hearts and a lily pond and a rock garden and a cheerful yellow bench underneath velvety pink blossoms and….
This is the first time I’ve considered—truly considered—living somewhere other than the farmhouse. Without Cain. Because I know I wouldn’t be able to create this beauty out of a barren cornfield. And I know if I somehow did, Cain would just find a way to shit all over it.
“I saw your father the other day. At the market. Didn’t talk to him, though.”
“What?” My fantasy dissolves. “How’d you know? You probably only saw him once before.”
“I remember enough to know it was him.”
“Way to break the mood.”
His hand entwines in mine. “Sorry. I take it you two still aren’t close?”
I shrug. “He’s been asking to get together, but it’s hard, you know? It’s hard to ignore all those years he didn’t want me, and now he does? It’s like when I was younger and needed him, I was inconvenient, but as I got older, he changed his mind. I don’t get it.”
“Yeah, that’s rough.”
“Cain thinks I should forgive him, that everyone deserves a second chance. What do you think?”
“Well, I’m all for second chances, but you need to do what feels right for you. Do what makes you happy, not anyone else.”
I smile, touching my lips to his. Jake is what feels right. Jake is what makes me happy.
Our kiss turns heavier, and we make out like sex-starved teenagers. Then he takes me back to his place, and we fuck like reunited lovers.
I’m having a full-blown affair.
I’m living a life I never dreamed I’d be capable of. My heart and body and mind are all consumed by a man who is not my husband.
Cain is careening back to his pre-breakdown state, but it’s not as gut-wrenching as it once was. It’s not as stressful. There’s more disregarding on his part and less bitching. Or maybe it just feels that way because I have Jake.
I still get my fill of “What do you do all day?” and “When are you going to get a real job?” and a slew of other digs implying how lazy and spoiled and inconsiderate I am.
But guess what? I. Don’t. Care.
Ding.
I dance around the house. That’s how happy a text from h
im makes me.
Can I see you today? I miss you.
My cheeks split. They’ve been doing that so much lately they’re going to get stuck. I just saw you yesterday, I respond. And the day before that. And the day before that.
Anytime you’re not with me, I miss you.
How does thirty minutes sound?
Work can wait another day.
“Send me a picture.”
“A picture?”
“Yeah, it’ll help tide me over until the next time we can be together.”
It’s after 1:00 a.m. and I should be sleeping, the same thing I tell myself every night. And the same thing I ignore every night. Rising with the sun has swapped places with staying up until dawn. And go figure, I have an abundance of energy. My dancing hasn’t slowed one bit.
I’m stretched out on the love seat with my phone propped between my pillow and my head. This has been my bed for weeks, and talking to Jake has become a nightly ritual.
We laugh, we discuss our day, we make plans, we have heart-to-hearts. I keep my voice low and my mood high. I wouldn’t miss these hours with him for anything. And when the early morning rolls around, and I hear the upstairs floorboards creak, we say our goodbyes. Then I lie awake, filling my thoughts with him until I can no longer keep my eyes open. And that’s when he enters my dreams.
It’s the perfect system.
“Okay, hold on a sec.” I scroll through, finding the mac and cheese pizza photo and sending it to him.
“I was hoping for something a little sexier.”
“What, you don’t like food porn?”
“Not unless I’m eating it off of you.”
“Guess where we’re going for lunch tomorrow?”
He laughs. “Why do you still have this anyway?”
“I’ve saved all your texts.” Every last one since he came back into my life, starting with Congratulations, Maddie. I read them often. It passes the time when we’re not talking or texting or screwing. “Is that weird?”
“No. I still have all yours too. I just thought you wouldn’t want them sitting around on your phone for anyone to find.”
Anyone. Cain. “If I was worried about that, don’t you think I’d also be worried about storing evidence of these long conversations in the middle of the night?”
“You’re fine with him finding out… about us?”
I blow out a breath. “No, I’m not there yet, Jake. I only meant there’s no danger of him discovering anything. His phone is issued by his company, so my phone’s just in my name and the bills come to me. He also doesn’t know my code and has never asked.”
“Any idea when you might be there?”
I turn toward the couch cushions and burrow inside. These are the moments when I want to disappear and travel back to the last day of high school. The day that changed my life in the worst possible way. I would beg Jake to follow his heart, convincing him that not doing so will result in years of regret and heartache.
“Maddie? I’m not trying to push you. I hope you know that.”
“I do.”
“So, how about that picture?”
I laugh. “What did you have in mind?”
“Surprise me. As long as it involves you naked, I’m open to anything.”
This is a first for us. For me. I've never dared to send dirty pictures of myself before, not after what happened to a friend of mine involved in a bad breakup. But that was her, and this is me.
I pull off my pajama pants but leave the tank top on. In case Cain comes down, I can throw a blanket over my bottom half. I open my legs, propping one up on top of the couch, spread myself wide, and click!
He groans. “You don’t know how badly I want to be inside that pussy right now.”
“Prove it.”
I hear a snap and then… holy shit. “You got hard that quickly?”
“I got hard as soon as I asked you to send me a picture. Your shot just made me unbearably so.”
I stare at the steel cock on my screen and start to think this was a really bad idea. I’m throbbing everywhere, I need to fuck, and I can’t do anything about it.
“Then we’re even because I’m soaked.”
“Make yourself come.” My hand slides down my stomach. “I want to watch. Put it on video.”
My chest bangs. Another first. “Okay,” I whisper. I disconnect then start a video call. My skin is blazing, and I throw the blanket to the floor. I had no idea something like this would make me so hot. “How’s this?” I ask, spreading for the camera.
“Open wider for me. It’s your turn to prove it. Slide your fingers inside and show me how wet you are.”
I do what he wants, penetrating with two fingers and then drawing them out for him to see before entering again and pulling the wetness up to my clit. God, I’m so close to coming just knowing he’s watching me.
“Yeah, just like that.” His voice is rich and syrupy, and it makes me even needier for a good, hard fuck.
“Jake, I am so horny right now.”
“Once again, we’re even.”
“Will you come too?” I stroke myself harder, his heavy sounds spurring me on.
“Just as soon as you do. You’re too beautiful to miss a thing.”
I wish he were right in front of me. I’d do everything he wanted to drive him wild. Put on a show like no other. Squeeze my nipples until they’re red peaks and fuck myself until we’re both begging for it. I picture him within touching distance, gripping his cock with a fierce need to slam inside me. My eyes travel over his fist, his thick forearm, his rock-like bicep that—
Oh my God! I gasp as I ride out the torrent of waves. They arrive in layers, piling on top of each other and merging together until I’m left drained inside.
It was the ink that did me in.
“Still with me, Maddie?”
“Yes.” Always.
“I want to sleep with you, all night long.”
My body cools and I tug my pajamas back on. “Did I miss it?”
“Miss what?”
“Your orgasm.”
He chuckles. “You’ll get it next time.” I lean over and retrieve the blanket. “Did you hear what I said about sleeping with you?”
I snuggle in for the night, way more tired than usual but not ready to say goodbye. “We already tried that once, remember?” We both dozed off with our phones to our ears, and I was seconds away from Cain stumbling in during one of his 4:00 a.m. wandering sessions.
“No, I mean with you in my arms, your bare skin touching mine from the moment we fall asleep to the moment we wake up.”
A haze is flowing over me, forcing my lids to flutter, but it’s still clear enough to see how wonderful his idea sounds.
Yes, I desperately want that too. Jake naked by my side, all night long.
“Will I ever be able to have you for an entire night?”
“Yes,” I murmur. “I’ll make it happen.”
Nineteen
“Who are you?”
“Ha-ha, very funny.” I slam my third cup of extra-dark, extra-strong espresso blend, having read somewhere that like cures like. I’m trying to kill my jitters by drowning them out with more.
Big surprise, it’s not working.
“You better have a damn good reason for ditching your best friend lately. Like things are so fantastic with Cain you’ve barely come up for air?”
“I’m not ditching you.” Rowan snorts. “I just haven’t called as much.”
“Or returned my calls.”
“I’m really, really sorry. I’ve been super busy.”
“With your book?” With Jake. “How’s that coming along?”
“Fine.”
I begin to pick my nails, then stab them into my palm instead. “Fine” isn’t the best choice of word. “Behind” is a better one. But it won’t take me long to catch up. I’m not too worried about it yet.
“And Cain?”
“Not fine.” Tolerable. Courtesy of Jake.
She
sighs. “Oh, Mads.”
I don’t want her sympathy or even her advice. What I want is her help, an alibi. When Jake asked me for a full night, I decided to go one better. I’m giving us an entire weekend.
My only obstacle is Rowan. There’s no way in hell she’ll condone it, but I’m praying to God she’ll accept when she finds out how much this means to me. I throw one out for Jake’s mom as well, just in case he’s onto something.
“It’s okay because… Jake has been getting me through it.”
“What!”
I eye the coffeepot, needing a scalding cup just for the comfort factor. It makes no difference that it’s already ninety degrees in the shade and my adrenaline has shot through the roof.
“Just hear me out. Please?”
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“I have to get back to class. But I’ll leave with ‘What the fuck, Mads?’”
I drop my head. “Maybe once I explain….”
But explain what? She won’t be able to see it through the same emotionally laden eyes as me. She’s coming from a place of rationality. Once upon a time, Jake broke my heart, and now I’m cheating on my husband with him. The end.
“There’s no way you can’t see how fucked up this is. And if you refuse to see it, it means you’re the one who’s fucked up. And you know I can only say that because I love you.”
“Lucky me,” I mumble.
We disconnect and I make a snap decision. If I leave right now, I can be at her school fifteen minutes before she gets out. I have to make her understand. I have to. Hearing my voice over the phone isn’t enough—Rowan needs to feel my heartfelt words. If we’re face-to-face, she can read my expression, see with her own eyes how crucial Jake has become to my life.
I’m confident with my plan.
Enough so, that seventy-eight minutes later, I’m camped outside my car and I’m barely rattling. A woman pulls up beside me with a little girl in the back. I smile and wave, and she leans forward in her car seat, kicks up her legs, and returns the wave.