His red phone rang and he answered it instantly.
“Good, I was about to call you. Yeah, it’s another fake, but I’m in a bit of trouble and could use a little help,” Rex said.
The voice on the other side of the phone talked on for a few seconds, but Rex interrupted it.
“What do you mean, can’t? That’s not how our deal works – send a team right now.”
The person on the phone whispered an apology, and Rex rolled his eyes. The walls were really close to him now, almost touching both his shoulders.
“Busy? Busy? What could they be doing that is more important than helping me? You know what, don’t worry about it, just send me a plasma pistol. A blue one. And a copper knife with a silver handle. Any size you like. I have some interference on my teleport belt, so you may have to call Professor Engelmanthing for help… and best do it quickly.”
Supervillains never panic, but Rex was definitely starting to worry a little bit as the walls grew closer. They were already touching his jacket when the air beside him shimmered and a bundle wrapped in teleport belts appeared beside him. The bundle contained a red plasma rifle, but Rex was already crouching as the ceiling closed in on him, and there wouldn’t be enough room for him to use the rifle. It was also the wrong color.
“I said a blue pistol,” Rex snapped into his phone.
The bundle disappeared and re–appeared again with a blue pistol and a note that said ‘sorry’.
“I need you to get your act together. A few more seconds and I would have been in a bit of trouble here, and then who would you call when you needed help with unruly superheroes? Exactly. I don’t think I have to remind you that you need my help more than I need yours.”
He snapped the phone shut and slipped it into his pocket with the copper knife, and grabbed the pistol.
“I think I’m going to enjoy this,” he said quietly.
He blasted the stone walls until they began to glow and warp. The trap slowed down as its gears grew hot. Rex began to sweat as the walls of the claustrophobic trap grew hotter and closer, hotter and closer, hotter and closer. At last the gears gave way with a scratch and the trap reversed and opened. Rex stepped out into the cool fresh air and gulped it in. His skin was flushed and red from the hot stone, and the elbows of his jacket were burnt.
“Right. Let’s finish this!”
He dropped the pistol and ran down the dark corridors towards the throne room and sounds of fighting. The fake Psychic Psycho was being beaten down by Swiss.
“I am the real Psychic Psycho! Join me or die!”
RoboRodent was hiding in the shadows and controlling Swiss with a video game controller. He didn’t even notice as Rex snuck up beside him.
“Hey Ralph, how are you doing?” Rex asked.
“Hey! I was wondering where you went to. This is fun, do you want to play?”
“Thanks, but I’d rather just end this. Can you hold him still for a second?”
“Sure.”
“Good,” Rex said, drawing the copper knife from his pocket.
“Ready…. NOW!”
Rex threw the copper knife with a lazy overarm flick. The fake Psychic Psycho saw it and tried to dodge, but RoboRodent’s huge robots held him in place and the copper knife grazed the fake Psychic Psycho’s arm just enough to draw blood. He screamed so loudly that the room shook and dust fell from the ceiling. Ghosts screamed, green orbs of lightning burst in the air and the stone floor bubbled as the fake Psychic Psycho dissolved into a thin trickle of smoke.
“Why do psychics always explode like that? It’s totally unoriginal,” RoboRodent complained as he searched the ground for any remains.
Ten minutes later Rex and RoboRodent were eating pizza on the stairs in front of the evil throne room. They had found no sign of the fake Psychic Psycho. The throne room was ruined, its elegant columns collapsed and its roof leaking thin streams of light. Bits of metal and wire lay on the ground and steel mice were dragging them into piles for RoboRodent to collect.
“I like to recycle,” he explained to Rex.
“Makes sense. Robots are expensive,” Rex agreed.
They watched as Chedda scratched through a pile of stones. The giant robot pulled out a golden crown and showed it to the supervillains. Rex shrugged without interest, but RoboRodent smiled.
“I’ll melt it down for wires, I always need more of them.”
“Why don’t you sell it to a museum and use the money to buy tons more wire than you could ever make?”
“Oh. I guess I didn’t think of that. Do you know someone who is interested in these kinds of things?”
Rex smiled. He knew a lot of people who were interested in weird stuff, and he could find someone for every villainous need.
“I’ll send you the details.”
“Thanks. I have a question though – where did you even get this pizza from?” RoboRodent asked.
“Newtopia. They have the best pizza.”
“They do, but that’s not what I meant. How did you get the pizza here so quickly?”
“Someone owed me an apology after nearly getting me killed today, so I demanded they grab a teleport belt and go shopping for me. You know, the perks of being a supervillain.”
“Yeah, teleport belts. Where do you get yours?” asked RoboRodent curiously.
“Uh uh, I can’t reveal all my secrets,” said Rex with a wink.
RoboRodent was far from satisfied. He had been thinking about Rex’s many, many secrets and there was one that was more important than all of the others combined.
“Yeah… and talking of secrets, what exactly is your pow–”
“This was fun,” Rex interrupted. “We should do it again sometime. Ancient temples, evil psychics, huge explosions… it’s the perfect way to spend an afternoon.”
“This place is super creepy,” said RoboRodent, looking around.
Rex looked at the twisting corridors carved from the black stone that led into the caves below the pyramid. He could hear some large creature breathing in the darkness, and distant ghosts whispered behind the lights.
“Yeah… I like it here,” said Rex.
“Although I can think of a few things it’s lacking. Giant bats, for example. I have the designs for some really great ones,” said Raph thoughtfully.
“And more of those razor traps. And mutants armed with lasers. And missile pods,” added Rex.
The two villains looked at each other and smiled as they shared the same thought.
“Paper–rock–scissors for who gets to keep this place as a secret base?” RoboRodent suggested.
RoboRodent chose scissors, as he always did, but Rex chose rock.
“Wait! Best of three?” said RoboRodent.
“No thanks… but maybe you can help me set this place up for something really special.
Do you have any robots than need testing under combat conditions? Any nefarious traps or dastardly complex puzzles you might want help building?”
“Do I ever!” said RoboRodent with a broad smile. He looked like a kid who had just been offered the chance for a week of Christmases.
“Excellent. We are going to make this place the biggest superhero trap that’s ever existed.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: AN ADVANCED GUIDE TO MANIACAL LAUGHTER
Learn to enjoy the little things, like seeing your enemies confused and angry.
–Rex Rogue’s guide for aspiring supervillains, unpublished.
“You seem unusually cheerful today, boss,” Slade said as he handed Rex a cup of coffee.
Two weeks had passed since Rex and RoboRodent had destroyed the fake Psychic Psycho, and Rex had been spending a lot of that of time with Jenny. He ignored Slade’s knowing smile, but the truth was that he was in a good mood. He and Jenny had broken into the Museum of Rare Art the night before and had spent hours wandering around looking at masterpieces. They had discovered a mutual love of old Grecian pots and had each stolen one of a pair. Eventually their break in had been reported,
and they had escaped from the museum just before a dozen superheroes flew through the windows. The date wasn’t the only reason Rex was happy, however, because his villainous plans were also progressing nicely.
He had been sending his team of tame superheroes out on more missions, occasionally having them sabotage villains who tried to compete with the League of Teenage Supervillains. He had also sent them on fake scouting missions, minor heists, and a great many scavenger hunts. He kept feeding the superheroes tiny tidbits of information regarding Duke Terror’s plans to take over the world, stringing them along for just one more mission, just one more mission, just one more mission. A handful of the smarter and more independent superheroes had abandoned the group, but enough of the superheroes were desperate to learn about Duke Terror’s plans that they persisted. This was great news for Rex, because he had a very special plan for them.
Rex smiled and clicked his fingers.
“Any report from RoboRodent?”
“He calls me three times a day to boast about some new trap or devious robot he has installed in the temple. I don’t know how he can even move with all the stuff he has in there,” answered Slade.
“Good. Good. Then it’s time to set my team of pet superheroes against each other. I want a meeting set up for three hours’ time,” Rex said.
“You want me to contact them?”
“Yes, but organize them like this,” Rex said, and handed Slade a list of names set out in groups.
Three hours later Rex walked back into his command room and everything was ready for him.
“Slade, screens!” he bellowed.
Four screens lit up, each showing superheroes assembled at four different bars across the Earth. Each team thought they were the only team working for Rex, and Rex was determined to keep it that way. Lady Smash was not at any of the bars; Rex had sent her an email saying that it was best not to get involved. Things were about to get really messy, and Rex didn’t want her getting caught up in his schemes.
“Operation Tarpit is good to go, boss,” Slade said.
Steel Samantha, Mad Robbo and Skyre were all waiting on Rex. Even Professor Engelmanthing had made a rare trip up from his laboratory to see what Rex was up to.
“Let us begin Rex said, stepping in front of a camera so that the various teams of superheroes could see him.
Slade’s four screens showed the superheroes snapping to attention as Rex appeared before them.
“My team of chosen villains, how good it is to see you!” boomed Rex.
His teams of superheroes pretending to be villains smiled, confident in their disguises. None of them realized that the whole team was made of superheroes from different teams all trying to infiltrate Duke Terror’s operations, or that Rex had already worked out who each and every one of them was. Despite the cunning way Rex had manipulated the heroes, he knew it was only a matter of time before one of the superheroes figured out what was going on. Luckily he only needed them for one more mission.
“I have gathered you together because I have learnt of an ancient temple set deep in dangerous jungles. Inside this temple is a prize worthy of me… the final piece of the legendary Crystal Throne of the lost city of Eee! I trust you have all heard of this throne!” Rex boomed in Duke Terror’s voice.
Everyone had heard of the Crystal Throne from the lost city of Eee. The throne had seven pieces, and the legends said that whoever reassembled the throne would rule the world. Rex had already found three of the seven pieces of the throne, and he suspected that Chaotica was using a fourth piece as a toothbrush holder, but he was fairly sure that the rest of the pieces were lost forever. The superheroes didn’t know that, however, and Rex had hidden several replicas of his pieces throughout the ancient temple.
“I already have six pieces of the throne in my grasp, so my dominion of this world is now near!” lied Rex. “Bring me the last piece of the throne, and I will reward you beyond your greatest dreams! Impress me and you may join my inner circle, and we shall rise together to rule this world! Secrecy is of the utmost importance! Only those who can prove their loyalty can serve me.”
Every single superhero in Rex’s audience nodded in agreement while secretly planning to betray him. They knew they couldn’t let Duke Terror get the seventh piece of the throne, and were determined to stop him at any cost. They were sure to start sharing Rex’s plans with other superheroes as soon as they could, which was exactly what Rex was expecting.
“Farewell, loyal minions! Our time draws near!” Rex boomed. He cut the connection and the four screens faded to black dramatically.
“This is going to be even easier than I thought,” Rex said to himself.
Steel Samantha had been watching Rex’s performance and was very confused by it. She had worked for many supervillains before, but none as cunning as Rex Rogue, master of illusion and misdirection.
“I don’t get it, boss. What are you planning?” she said.
Rex smiled. Steel Samantha hadn’t been working with Rex for very long, and she had yet to realize that one of the reasons Rex made crazy plans was that he simply enjoyed making the superheroes look stupid. Slade and Skyre knew Rex better and had already grasped the basics of the plan.
“Slade, why don’t you explain?” Rex ordered.
Slade grinned and brought up a layout of the temple on his screen.
“Well… the plan is for one of the four teams of superheroes pretending to be villains to descend on the temple from the east, a second team from the north, a third team entering from the catacombs below and the last team to attack from the air. Each superhero thinks that they are the only superheroes in a team of villains and that only they can stop Duke Terror from seizing control of the world. Also, each of the teams thinks it’s the only one working for Duke Terror and that all other superhumans in the area are working for Chaotica and should be treated as hostile. The teams are wearing disguises, the tunnels are dark, we are blocking telepathy and radio waves, and hundreds of other superheroes are expected to descend on the temple to help save the day.”
Rex smiled broadly under his Duke Terror mask.
“The queen of chaos shall reign supreme, her very breath a tsunami against all who face her. Chaotica is going to love this,” put in Skyre.
“Exactly,” continued Slade. “Chaotica and her people will be guarding the fake piece of throne and have set all kinds of traps and pitfalls. RoboRodent and his metal monsters will be roaming the corridors, and woe betide anyone who falls foul of them. In addition, RoboRodent and Code Cutter have wired every foot of the temple with smoke bombs, tear gas, and all sorts of nasty surprises.”
“And video cameras?” asked Steel Samantha, who was beginning to catch on.
“And video cameras! We will be able to record the superheroes’ incompetence and then send it out to the world. This is going to be brilliant!” said Slade in delight.
Rex threw his head back and laughed loudly enough to shake the stone walls around him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: THE SUPERHERO TRAP
My uncle was a villain, and he taught me everything he knew about picking locks and avoiding superheroes. Most importantly of all, however, he taught me how to keep my opponents staring at the apple in my left hand instead of the knife in my right hand.
–Rex Rogue’s guide for aspiring supervillains, unpublished.
Everything was going exactly as Rex and his friends had planned it.
“So… it’s just a trap with no other purpose but to mock the superheroes? A game? For our entertainment?” asked Steel Samantha.
“Now you are getting it. Once word gets out that an enormous fight is taking place, just about every superhero in the world will want to get involved. They are stupid like that. The whole temple is going to be a tar pit for every dumb superhero in the world. They are going to use every trick and power they have to fight each other, and all we have to do is watch, learn and laugh.”
“And what will you be doing during this time when every superhero
is distracted and the whole world is therefore unguarded, Duke Terror?” asked Steel Samantha, who was much smarter than she generally let on.
“I will be watching from my office, of course. And making an editor’s cut of the best bits to send to media outlets so that I can show them how dumb their so–called heroes are. I want you on the ground, Steel Samantha, so you had better get ready.”
Rex teleported to the temple throne room and whistled in astonishment. The room had been repaired to its ancient self, with every fallen column replaced and every damaged stone repaired. The work was mostly RoboRodent’s doing – he had a talent for architecture – but the other supervillains had added their own touches. Rex walked over to where Chaotica was filling a wooden barrel with bright worms that squirmed and lashed out, constantly changing color as they tried to escape her grip.
“Nagus worms,” Chaotica explained, shoving another worm into the barrel with her bare hands. Rex took a step back; nagus worms had venomous bites and painful stings that could floor most superheroes. The worm in Chaotica’s hand bit her hard enough to draw blood, but she just patted it gently on its misshapen head and dropped it into the barrel. The barrel lit up as the worms spat out bright globs of fiery venom that hissed when they hit the stone ground.
“Sweet little scamps,” said Chaotica affectionately.
Code Cutter’s drones were everywhere in the room, installing all kinds of cameras, traps, and holographic casters that she planned on using to project images of ghosts and supervillains to confuse the superheroes.
“And how is our little plan progressing?” Rex asked one of the drones.
“Really good. This is going to be so much fun. Rex Rogue, you really are an evil genius!”
Rex bowed graciously – supervillains love flattery – and pointed at the cameras.
“We are going to learn a lot today about how the superheroes operate… and I am going to share our lessons with every supervillain on the planet!”
Rex Rogue And The League Of Teenage Supervillains Page 12