by Nicola Marsh
But getting arrested in a foreign country probably wasn’t conducive to starting over either, so I walked away. Stood in line for a cab. Took some comfort in the familiarity of my pounding head and the guaranteed oblivion sleep would bring. I’d deal with the inevitable hangover in the morning.
And maybe, just maybe, I’d answer Ash’s last text, which he’d sent three days ago.
Chapter 15
ASHTON
Mum was having a bad day. She didn’t know who I was but she seemed to enjoy hearing my voice. So I’d read the newspaper and a chapter of a historical romance, the books she used to devour when I was growing up.
Now she was staring off into space and I was about to leave when she said, "You have an excellent tone. I knew an actor who sounded like you once." She turned her head slowly, her gaze vacant as she glanced past me. "Talk to me."
So I did. Mindless chatter, really, about the latest batch of students I was tutoring, the commission I was working on for a wealthy Toorak family, and Dani.
Initially I rambled, but when it came to Dani, it sounded like I was voicing my innermost fears.
"This girl is driving me nuts. First she chases me, then she ignores me for weeks."
"Maybe she wants you to chase her." Mum fiddled with the cotton fringe of the scarf wrapped around her bony shoulders. "Some girls like playing hard to get."
"Not this one. She seems more open than that."
Then again, what did I know? Dani had secrets, I knew that. She shut down at times and had this look in her eye … half-fear, half-defiance, like she was daring life to kick her butt and she’d kick right back.
"You should try romancing her. Girls like that." Mum’s wistful sigh echoed. "We like to be appreciated."
I wanted to hug her. To tell her she was, that I’d never forget the bond we shared and how much she’d given up to have me. But physical contact scared her when she didn’t know who I was, so I crossed my arms to stop from reaching for her.
"So you think flowers and chocolates, huh?"
Mum snorted. "Why do men always think it takes all that fluff to impress a woman, when all we really need is a little attention?"
I smiled, impressed that even with dementia my mum made more sense than some of the immature students I dealt with on a daily basis.
"Young man, it’s simple. Turn up at her house. Ask her to go for a walk." Her gaze clouded. "I used to love going for walks with my boyfriends."
"Okay, I’ll do that." I stood and held out my hand, hoping the sadness seeping through me didn’t show.
I hated this part. Hated that she didn’t know who I was. Hated that I couldn’t hug her. Hated that I’d be lucky if she shook my hand.
"Thanks for stopping by." After a long pause, she placed her hand in mine for an all-too-brief moment. "And good luck with your girl."
"Thanks." I cleared my throat, the inevitable rush of emotion making me choke up. "I’ll let you know how I get on."
"I’ll look forward to it." Her eyelids drifted shut as I backed out of the room, wishing things were different. Wishing Mum was her old self. Wishing for a lot of things.
But Mum used to say wishes were futile, if you wanted something done you needed to go out there and make it happen.
With Dani, that’s exactly what I intended to do.
#
"You’re avoiding me." I stood on Dani’s doorstep, drinking in the sight of her in denim shorts and a red tank top, resisting the urge to back her into the hallway, kick the door shut and take her up against the nearest wall.
"Been busy," she said, leaning against the door but not inviting me in.
"Aren’t we all."
Increasingly perplexed by her cool attitude, I said the first thing that popped into my head. "Want to take a walk?"
Her eyebrows rose as one, like it was the last thing she expected to hear. "Where to?"
"Some of my favorite inner city haunts."
I loved the laneways of the inner city, narrow cobbled streets jam-packed with cafés, restaurants, galleries and boutiques. People sat out on the street any time of day or night, and I’d spent many hours just sitting and sketching, trying to capture the vibe down on paper to paint later.
I’d planned a whole series around laneway life and would love to finish what I’d started. If I ever got time to paint for pleasure rather than money again.
Dani shuffled, one bare foot rubbing against the other. "I’ve got a ton of homework to do—"
"Fine. Just forget it."
I was done. We hadn’t seen each other in three weeks and if this was the reception I got, I’d rather be anywhere but here. We’d agreed to keep things casual, but Dani was taking that to extremes.
I didn’t need this. I thought we’d connected on a level deeper than sex. I’d been wrong.
I was halfway down the path before she spoke. "Sorry."
I stopped and turned back. "Sorry for what? For not being polite enough to answer my texts? For blowing hot and cold? For shutting me down after I take the time to visit on the off-chance you may actually want to hang out together?"
Her eyes widened to saucer-proportions, huge orbs of blue that made my resolve to leave falter. She looked so lost, so bleak, I had to dig my heels in to stop from running toward her and holding her tight.
"Sorry for all of it." She stepped outside and lingered on the porch step. "You’re a good guy, Ash. You don’t need someone like me in your life."
"Whoa, where did that come from?" I held up my hands. "Firstly, I thought we already agreed to be friends. Secondly, I don’t need anyone but I like to hang out with people who matter to me. And lastly, you’re the most interesting woman I’ve met in ages, so maybe I do need someone like you."
I could’ve sworn her lower lip wobbled. Shit, that’s all I needed, to make her cry.
"You could’ve said I was captivating or mesmerizing or intriguing rather than boring old interesting."
"Do I look like a fucking greeting card?"
She finally smiled and the transformation was incredible. She morphed from nervous and recalcitrant to warm and glowing. "If your offer still stands, I’d like to take a walk with you."
I shrugged, like her acceptance meant little, when in fact I was punching the air in victory on the inside. "Sure, I’ll wait out here."
She jerked a thumb over her shoulder. "You could wait inside?"
No, I couldn’t. Because if I set foot inside her flat after not seeing her, not touching her, for three weeks, I knew exactly what would happen and it wouldn’t involve walking.
"I’ll give you five minutes." I held up my hand, fingers spread. "The laneways wait for no woman."
"Fine, I’ll be out in three." She bounded up the steps, leaving me a tantalizing view of her sensational arse. Which I’d grabbed and caressed and nipped … like that was helping.
As if it wasn’t bad enough I’d spent every spare second, and many working ones too, over the last three weeks replaying what we’d done. And adding a bit more, ramping up the fantasies until it’s all I could think about.
I hadn’t expected to feel like this after our time apart. I felt … whole. Like I’d been drifting along and being with her made me feel complete somehow.
Crazy, considering we weren’t seriously dating and had only known each other less than two months. But there was something about Dani that made me feel good. Like I recognized a kindred spirit. Someone as lost as I was. Someone who needed to be guided through all the crap that life threw our way.
"Let’s go." She locked up and walked toward me, her long legs eliciting memories of how they’d felt wrapped around me. "Though if you keep looking at me like that, maybe we should stay in?"
"Nope, we’re walking," I said, holding out my hand, wondering if she’d take it, pathetically relieved when she did. "What have you been up to? Apart from ignoring me, that is."
"Lectures. Assignments. Partying." She almost threw the last word out defiantly, like she expected I’d judge her.
"That’s great. You should blow off steam with friends in a new city."
She didn’t speak but I sensed a sideways glance, as if she were sizing me up.
"You’re not mad I’ve ignored you yet hung out with others?"
Mad? No. Disappointed? A little. Stupid, because we’d made it more than clear what we were to each other, but there was a small part of me deep down that was plain old jealous at the thought of others getting to hang out with her instead of me.
"We’re not joined at the hip, so you hang out with whoever you like."
I was trying to be magnanimous but I knew I’d said the wrong thing when her hand went slack in mine.
I stopped and turned to face her. "What do you want me to say, Dani? That I missed you? That I can’t stop thinking about you? That while these last few weeks have been manically busy for me, I would’ve made time for you if you’d let me?"
She opened her mouth to respond, closed it again, shook her head. "I don’t want to get too involved, you know that."
So it was back to this.
"Yeah, I do. I also know that we’ve been over this. So what has you in such a funk that you’ve avoided me for weeks?"
She glanced away, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth, before she finally murmured, "I already like you too much."
That’s the best thing I’d heard all day. But something was bugging her and I knew I’d have to get to the bottom of it if we were to move forward and enjoy this evening.
"And that’s a bad thing because?"
"Because I don’t handle goodbyes well." She dragged her gaze back to mine, her gloominess surprising. "What’s the point of dating when it’s going to end anyway?"
I tugged on her hands, bringing her closer to me. "The point is, we live in the moment. We don’t worry what may happen tomorrow or next week or four months from now when you head back to the States. We just live."
I released her hands to rest mine on her waist. "Seeing my mum deteriorate has taught me that if nothing else."
"How is she?"
"The same. Up and down. Mostly down." I smiled. "But she did encourage me to go after you."
Dani blinked, several times. "You told her about me?"
I nodded. "Yeah, but it’s no biggie. She didn’t know who I was at the time."
The corners of her mouth curved upward. "You’re pretty amazing."
"Yeah, so amazing I have to practically beg you to hang out with me."
She paused, tilted her head slightly, studying me. "So you reckon I should live in the moment, huh?"
"Yep."
"Then come with me." She snagged my hand off her waist and started walking. In the opposite direction we’d been headed, retracing our steps.
"Where are we going?"
"My place." Her eyes twinkled with mischief. "The laneways of Melbourne can wait. Me? I’m not so patient."
That made two of us as we practically sprinted all the way back to her flat.
Chapter 16
DANI
I’d just had the most incredible weekend of my life.
If the last time I’d hung out with Ashton had been romantic, this weekend topped that.
When we’d made it back to my place last night, we hadn’t left my bed until one PM today. We’d made it our own private party for two, ordering in Chinese between bouts of sensational sex.
The only reason why we’d left our cozy cocoon was so he could show me his beloved laneways. And I had to admit they were cool. Not quite as cool as being tucked away with Ash under the quilt for a sex marathon, but cool nonetheless.
We’d strolled Hosier Lane and Hardware Lane and Block Arcade, and were now nursing steaming hot cocoas in Degraves Street, people watching.
"Do you come here often?"
He chuckled. "Babe, we’re way past the pick-up line."
I rolled my eyes. "You seem really at home here." I trailed my fingertip down his cheek. "I’ve never seen you look so animated."
He shrugged, like my observation meant little, but I saw the way he looked at me before he glanced away: like he couldn’t believe we were so in sync after hardly spending any time together. That made two of us.
"I come here for inspiration." He pointed to a café opposite. "That’s my favorite place. I could spend hours there, watching and sketching."
"And eating." I pushed my plate away, having been indoctrinated into the pleasures of the vanilla slice, solid custard between two slivers of pastry, topped with icing. An Aussie staple apparently. One that was way too addictive. "Have you painted this laneway?"
Some of his excitement faded as shadows clouded his eyes. "No."
"Why not, if you love it so much?"
"Because I don’t have the time," he snapped, his lips compressing into a thin line.
Oo-kay. Guess I’d touched a nerve.
"Sorry." He pinched the bridge of his nose, as if staving off a headache. "I’ve got a ton of ideas, mainly thanks to this place, but doing commissions doesn’t leave me much spare time."
I bit back my first response, one that my last nanny used to constantly say. ‘If you don’t have time, make time.’ Easy for her to say, when she was being paid an exorbitant sum by the hour.
Ash stirred sugar into his latte. "I’ve got a series planned. One I’d like to ultimately show in a gallery."
"Wow, that’s great. You should totally do it," I said, eager to take a look at what this wonderful, brooding guy could produce. I bet his art would be as deep as him. Intense. "Do you have somewhere lined up? Because I’m so there—"
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I need to complete a series of paintings before I can even approach galleries." He covered my hand with his. "I owe you an apology."
"What for?"
"Because when I lobbed on your doorstep yesterday, I accused you of blowing me off for the last three weeks, when in reality I’ve been so flat out I couldn’t have seen you if I wanted to." He grimaced. "Between working at uni, visiting Mum and doing the commissions, I don’t have much time left over for painting let alone a girlfriend."
I froze. Girlfriend. The one label that struck fear into my heart.
I’d never been anyone’s girlfriend. I didn’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend. Because that kind of attachment came with huge risks.
So I fell back on my tried and true method when something made me uncomfortable. Deflect.
"Careful there, Mister. Don’t go throwing that girlfriend tag around so freely." I forced a laugh.
By the speed in which he removed his hand from mine, it didn’t work.
"We’re casual, Dani, I get it. But you’re a girl. And a friend. So don’t get hung up over it." He sounded hurt, and more than a little bitter.
Time for some serious backpedaling and that involved revealing far more than I was ready for. "It’s not you, it’s me."
He raised his eyebrows at my cliché, so I rushed on. "I’ve never had a relationship. They freak me out. I don’t like co-dependence. I don’t like obligations."
"Relationships can also be fun and easygoing with the right person."
God, he sounded so trite. Sure, it must be tough seeing his mom deteriorate mentally before his eyes but what did Ash know about real pain, real loss, and the very real agony of saying goodbye to a baby that never was.
"Let me guess. You’ve left a trail of broken hearts."
He shook his head. "Not quite. One serious relationship in high school, we went out for two years. But then Mum started going downhill …"
He left the rest unsaid. Ash may not know about loss but by his audible pain every time he mentioned his mom, he’d done it tough.
While I’d spent the last three years partying my way around LA to forget, he’d been devoting his life to work and his sick mom. We were poles apart. So why did being with him feel so goddamn right?
I laid my hand on his thigh. "If I was girlfriend material, you’d be the only candidate for the job of boyfriend."
His ki
ssable mouth eased into a smile that made my chest ache. "You already got the girl-friend position the first moment I saw you."
I melted. "Bullshit. You were grumpy I’d run you over."
"Nah, just angling for the sympathy vote." He slid an arm around my waist and pulled me close. "Considering you’re still hanging out with me a couple months later, it must’ve worked."
I elbowed him, laughing when he mock winced. "Guess you didn’t get the message when I didn’t respond to your texts."
His arm around my waist loosened its grip a little. "And what message is that?"
That I was terrified of how he made me feel.
That I was in way over my head already.
That I was crazy-angry at myself for breaking my do-over rule and falling for a guy on my first night in Melbourne.
But I didn’t say any of it, settling for a half-truth. "I didn’t respond to your texts because I’m struggling." And not just with college. "Being an older student is tough. I feel like a dork for not knowing half the stuff I’m supposed to. And you’re a major distraction, one I can’t afford if I’m to make a success of this."
"Answering someone’s text messages shouldn’t be such a big distraction," he said, sounding less angry now I’d stroked his ego.
"You’re the distraction." I poked him in the chest. "And you know it."
"Me?" He squared his shoulders and puffed out his chest, as I laughed at his false modesty.
"Yeah, you." I jabbed him in the chest again for good measure. "When we hang out like this, it just feels so amazing, so right. And it’s all I can think about afterward, so yeah, it messes with my head."
I hadn’t meant to reveal so much but I had to make him understand why I’d acted like a bitch over the whole girlfriend thing.
Because Ash’s opinion mattered to me. What he thought of me mattered. He mattered to me.
"Know the feeling." He brushed a soft kiss across my lips and that weird half-moan came from me. "So what do two people who can’t afford any distractions do when they’re crazy about each other?"