by Nicola Marsh
But she was right. I’d put my life on hold long enough. Meeting Dani, opening myself to the possibility of a relationship, had shown me I could have it all.
If she’d still have me, that is.
I’d behaved appallingly, courtesy of a raging hangover and bad news and my own guilt.
I needed to make amends, to show Dani exactly how much she meant to me.
And I knew just the way to do it.
Chapter 23
DANI
"Thanks for coming." Ashton held out his hand to me.
I ignored it.
When he’d texted me an address and asked me to meet him here, I’d done it for one reason only.
Closure.
I didn’t want the hurt of having my heart broken by Ash to fester the way it had after I’d lost the baby. It wasn’t healthy and I’d finally realized that after three years.
Ironic, that it had taken another emotional breakdown to make me move on from the first. Not that I’d ever forget my baby and what I’d done, but opening myself up to the possibility of being loved, then having it taken away, proved I could do this. I could be strong. And I didn’t need to forget, using whatever means possible. I merely needed to accept. Get closure. Move on.
"Why did you want me to meet you here?" I glanced at the brick cottage, a small part of me curious.
"I’ll show you." He pushed open the rickety gate and gestured me to step through.
When I did, we headed along the cracked concrete driveway to the back yard, where a detached room-cum-shed was tucked away behind the garage.
"This was my home, where I grew up," he said, pointing to the main house while he unlocked the shed. "We sold it years ago to help pay Mum’s special accommodation bills, but I still rent this room from the owner."
"Why?"
He jiggled the door handle and opened the door. "Because of this."
I ignored my body’s traitorous reaction, the familiar zap followed by a slow burning heat, as I pushed past him into the room. And blinked.
It took a while for my eyes to adjust from the bright sunshine outside to the dimness of the room, but when they did … wow.
I did a slow three-sixty, unable to assimilate the brilliance of color, form and artistic license all at once.
"These are yours?" I murmured out of reverence for the stunning talent displayed in visual splendor.
"Yeah. This is where I come to paint. For me." He closed the door and flicked a light switch that merely enhanced his incredible work. "I don’t get the time to come here often."
"You should make the time." I walked around the room, lingering in front of a particularly striking piece that looked like one of the laneways we’d visited. "These are amazing."
"Thanks." He cleared his throat. "You’re opinion means a lot but that’s not why I brought you here."
Just like that, I was back to the real world. A world where I had to face my demons and let others go.
"Look, you don’t have to say anything, Ash—"
"I’ve never brought anyone here. Ever. Because all this?" He swept his arm wide. "It comes from in here." He tapped his chest. "Painting has been my outlet for years. The more I paint, the better I feel. And this place has always been my sanctuary."
He pinched the bridge of his nose, before pinning me with a tortured stare. "I over-reacted this morning and I’m sorry. I’m not used to having anyone else in my life and I felt guilty for having a good time and not being there for Mum."
He blew out a long breath. "But she’ll always be ill. She’ll only get worse. And putting my life on hold isn’t going to change that."
He was so caring, so eloquent, so in touch with his feelings that it only made losing him all the harder.
"I’m sorry about your Mom."
"Thanks, but even though I freaked out this morning, seeing her today put things into perspective." He took a step toward me. "I don’t let anyone get close, because it’s easier that way." He pointed to my favorite painting, the one of the laneway. "That’s part of a series I want to complete. It’s my passion. Before you …"
I compressed my lips to refrain from responding because I sensed he had more to say.
"But I don’t get here often because I need to pay Mum’s bills, so when I’m not tutoring, I paint commissions." He grimaced. "I hate it but I want Mum to get the best care."
Admirable. And explained the half-finished canvases.
"You’re an amazing son," I said, unable to identify with the love he had for his mom considering I hardly saw mine even when we’d lived in the same house.
"She’s an amazing mum." He took another step closer and I held my breath at his nearness. "She made me see today I’ve had my life on hold and I’m not doing that anymore."
He snagged one of my hands before I could react. "Being with you has inspired me to finish this series. But considering how bloody time poor I am, I don’t want my painting here to cut into our time together." His lop-sided smile drove the knife in my heart deeper. "So I want you with me. Here. Sharing my life."
He hesitated, cleared his throat. "I’m clueless when it comes to feelings but I think I’m in love with you."
I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t feel. Couldn’t hear past the pounding of my heart in my ears.
Ash couldn’t love me, because if he knew the real me, he’d despise me.
His smile faded when I didn’t respond. "Say something, before I hit myself over the head with an easel or get high on paint fumes."
Get high …
I couldn’t prevent an embarrassing sob. Then another. And then I couldn’t stop, each sob louder than the rest as I burst into tears.
"Hey." He bundled me into his arms and I let him, for the simple reason if he wasn’t holding me, I’d be in a pathetic heap on the floor.
Because all those tears I’d bottled up for so long? Chose now to flow in a constant, ugly, snot-clogging stream I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.
Ash smoothed my back, my hair, murmuring platitudes I couldn’t hear. But it helped and eventually, the waterfalls cascading from my eyes dried to a trickle.
He eased me back, cupped my face, the tenderness radiating from his eyes making me want to bawl all over again. "You could’ve just said you didn’t love me back."
I managed a wobbly smile at his joke. "You can’t love me." I pushed his hands away, even though he resisted at first. "I do bad things."
Wariness crept into expression. "How bad can it be? Because honestly? Nothing you can say will stop me loving you. And trying to make this work, despite the obvious barriers like distance."
Increasingly animated, he reached for me again. "Because I can visit you in LA. We can do long distance. Or you could transfer to finish your studies here permanently—"
"Stop!" My scream startled us both and he stilled, his hands falling uselessly to his sides.
"You want to know how bad I am?" My chuckle was harsh, brittle, and devoid of humor. "My parents spent their lives ignoring me, to the point they didn’t know I got pregnant at eighteen. They didn’t know I wanted the baby because it’d be the only person in my life to actually pay me some goddamned attention. They didn’t know how badly I wanted to go to DU with my best friend, or how having to give that up stung, so I went out and got wasted, slept with a stranger, and ended up miscarrying the next day."
My voice had risen to the point of hysteria but like the tears, I couldn’t stop it. "I killed my baby. My stupid selfishness killed my baby. And I’ve spent the last three years trying to forget by getting high whatever means I can or getting drunk or sleeping around."
I sniggered. "So how could someone as good and caring and straitlaced as you possibly love a self-absorbed slut like me?"
To my horror, tears filled Ash’s eyes. "I’m so sorry you had to go through all that alone. I wish I could’ve been there for you."
My mouth gaped open. "What the fuck? Didn’t you just hear a word I said? Aren’t you disgusted?"
I turned aw
ay, rubbing my chest. Yeah, like that would stop the pain that had lodged there three years ago and never eased no matter what I did. "Because I certainly am. I hate what I’ve done and who I’ve become …"
When he touched my shoulder, I whirled back and pushed him away. "And I can’t stop. My new start in Melbourne? My do-over? A big fucking failure because old habits die-hard. My grades are shot. I’m drinking again. And I was this close" —I held up my thumb and forefinger an inch apart— "to scoring a hit the other day."
He didn’t bat an eyelid, didn’t move. "Why didn’t you?"
"Because …"
What could I say? Because I didn’t want to be that person anymore? Because I wanted to make amends for fucking up?
"My best friend Skyped at the time. She talked me down."
"You still could’ve scored after the call. So what really stopped you?"
I sneered. "What are you, a frikking shrink?"
"I’m just the guy who loves you. And when you stop trying to push me away for fear you’ll get hurt or lose me, you’ll realize that," he said, his calmness both reassuring and annoying.
Didn’t anything rattle him?
"Why do you love me?" I flung it out there in defiance, daring him to say something I could use as proof he was delusional.
"Because from the first moment we met, I sensed a kindred spirit." He pointed to my eyes. "You had this haunted look, like you had secrets." He shrugged. "And I did too."
He touched my arm. "But guess what, babe? All the secrets are out in the open now and we’re still here. Doesn’t that tell you something?"
Yeah, that I was bat-shit crazy for letting him talk me into this. But he was right. Ash now knew all my deepest, darkest secrets. He hadn’t judged me or berated me or pitied me.
He still loved me regardless. Guess that’s the moment I knew we could be okay after all.
"You said you think you’re in love with me?"
He nodded. "Damn straight."
"Well I know I’m in love with you." I flung myself at him and he caught me.
Just like I knew this strong, dependable, incredible guy would continue to catch me for as long as we were together.
Chapter 24
ASHTON
Five minutes until show time.
I felt physically sick.
"You did good." Dani sidled up to me and kissed my cheek. "You’re going to be the toast of the LA art world."
"Or laughed out of the country," I said, sliding my arm around her waist. "And I’ll have you to thank for that."
She patted my cheek. "You’re welcome."
I loved the teasing that was part of our yearlong relationship but now wasn’t the time for frivolity. Now was the time for a few stiff drinks, for ignoring the throng of people queued outside the upscale Santa Monica gallery, and for strangling my gorgeous girlfriend for organizing my first official show.
"Seriously, babe. What if the US crowd don’t get my paintings? What if this is a big, fucking failure?"
She rolled her eyes. "Sweetie, you know there’s only room for one big fucking failure in our relationship and that title was held by me." She pinched my arse. "Before I met you, that is."
She threw her arms wide. "This laneway series you’ve done? It’s pure perfection and the art world will soon know it." This time, she tempered her arse pinch with a pat. "Trust me. I know a good thing when I see it."
"True, you’re with me." I swooped for a quick kiss that never failed to set my blood fizzing. "And I thank my lucky stars you decided to stay in Melbourne to continue your degree."
She smirked. "It was the amazing Italian food in Lygon Street that swayed me. And the funky boutiques in Brunswick Street. Not to mention—"
"My charm? My wit? My status as resident sex god?"
"You forgot modesty." She whacked me playfully on the chest. "Just remember me when you’re famous, okay?"
"You’re unforgettable," I murmured, nuzzling her neck in the spot guaranteed to make her melt.
"Get a room, you two," Mia said, slugging us both on the arm. "Your public displays of affection are disgusting."
Dani laughed. "You should know, considering how you and your Aussie are still going at it."
Kye raised his hand. "Uh. Right here, in case you hadn’t noticed."
"Oh, we noticed." Mia practically simpered as she cuddled up to her man. "Aren’t Aussie guys the hottest?"
"Agreed," Dani said, batting her eyelashes at me.
Annabelle snorted and pretended to stick two fingers down her throat. "I’ve lived with them my whole life and let me tell you, Mia and Dani, you’re a kangaroo short in the top paddock." She made crazy circles at her temple. “Aussie guys are rough, uncultured bogans.” She flashed a grin at Kye and me. “Present company excluded.”
We laughed.
"Maybe we should find you a hot Californian guy, Annabelle?" Mia said, locking gazes with Dani, who gave a slight nod.
I groaned. "Watch out, Annabelle. These two are colluding to fix you up."
Annabelle shrugged. "Let them try. What’s the worst that can happen?"
Dani and Mia sniggered, while Kye rolled his eyes, and I silently thanked the big guy upstairs.
Over the last twelve months, my relationship with Dani had gone from strength to strength. She’d settled in Melbourne, had passed all her subjects and had encouraged me to finish my laneway series. Not only that, through her parents she’d arranged my first showing here in LA. And had introduced me to her friends, who we’d hung out with over the last fortnight.
I’d even come to terms with Mum’s deterioration. There was rarely a day she recognized me now and while it broke my heart and always would, I adhered to the promise I’d made her on the day I’d finally let love into my heart again.
A waiter appeared and handed us champagne flutes.
Dani raised her glass. "A toast to the most talented artist I know. May everyone love your wonderful art as much as I do."
"Hear, hear," Mia, Kye and Annabelle said in unison, as we clinked glasses.
"And to the woman I love." I touched my glass to Dani’s. "Thanks for being you. I’m so proud of how successful you are in everything you do."
Dani teared up, I cleared my throat and the others groaned as I kissed her.
Something I intended on doing for a very long time to come.
If you enjoyed this book, check out my other New Adult contemporary romance BEFORE, available at all retailers.
Good girls finish last? Screw that.
Being a small town girl isn’t so bad. Unless Mom’s the town joke and I’ve spent my entire life shying away from her flamboyance. College in Las Vegas should be so much cooler. But it’s not. Bad things happen. Real bad.
So when my brother Reid offers me an all-expenses paid vacation to Australia for a month, I am so there. Discounting the deadly snakes on the outback cattle station, I should be safe.
Until I meet Jack.
Jack defines bad boy and then some. He’s big, buffed, bronzed, and hotter than any guy I’ve ever met. His sexy Aussie accent makes me melt. And the guy can cook.
But he’s my brother’s new bestie and he lives on the other side of the world. There’s no future for us.
Is there?
Chapter One
JESS
College was overrated. Seriously.
The dorm-hopping, frat-partying, alcohol-imbibing rumors were true. The part where I became a party animal, made a zillion BFFs and took UNLV by storm? Hadn’t kicked in yet. I sucked as badly as a freshman at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, as I had as a student at Hell High, my nickname for my old high school in Craye Canyon. Apparently once a geek, always a geek.
In two semesters I’d attended three frat parties, had drunk two vodkas, one rum and a watered down Long Island Iced Tea. And the only other bed I’d graced besides my own belonged to my roommate’s dog, illegally smuggled in whenever she could. Yeah, chalk up permanent virginity status alongside geek. Embarra
ssing.
On the upside, I didn’t live at home any more. One of the major incentives for busting my ass at high school to enroll at UNLV was the distance. UNVL was over an hour away from my hometown so I’d have to live on campus. Craye Canyon wasn’t big enough for Mom and me.
Pity my foray into freedom hadn’t lived up to expectations. I’d hoped to shed my good-girl image at college. Yet here I was, last day before summer break, still hanging out in the library. Worse? Still a virgin.
“Hey Jess, you’re coming tonight, yeah?”
I glanced across at Dave, my study partner, and bit back my first response of ‘I wish.’ Somehow, I didn’t think the serious bookworm would appreciate the innuendo.
“Think I’ll give it a miss,” I said, packing my satchel for the last time this semester.
I was free for the summer. Without plans. I couldn’t head home, not with Mom in wedding planner frenzy mode. Summer was the busiest month for Nevada weddings and it seemed like every bridezilla in the state wanted Pam Harper to organize their wedding. Poor suckers.
“School’s out, Geekette.” Dave tweaked my nose. “Time to par-tay.”
“That settles it.” I elbowed him away. “No way am I going anywhere with a dork who says par-tay.”
“Now you’re just playing hard to get.” Dave slung an arm across my shoulder, a friendly gesture I’d tolerated during our many study sessions together.
“Yeah, that’s me, a regular babe juggling guys along with assignments.” I rolled my eyes. “Besides, I’ve got plans tonight.”
“What plans?” He snapped his fingers. “Quick, the truth, before you make up some crap.”
“I haven’t seen my cousin in a while, thought I’d hang out with her.”
Truth was, my cousin Chantal worked nights as a dancer at the coolest burlesque venue on the Strip. But she had a great apartment I could hide out in to avoid the inevitable end of semester parties.