The Tinted Venus: A Farcical Romance

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by F. Anstey


  A DISTINGUISHED STRANGER

  III.

  "How could it be a dream? Yet there She stood, the moveless image fair!"

  _The Earthly Paradise._

  With slow and stately tread the statue advanced towards the centre ofthe hairdresser's humble sitting-room, and stood there awhile, gazingabout her with something of scornful wonder in her calm cold face. Asshe turned her head, the wide, deeply-cut sockets seemed the home ofshadowy eyes; her face, her bared arms, and the long straight folds ofher robe were all of the same greyish-yellow hue; the boards creakedunder her sandalled feet, and Leander felt that he had never heard of amore appallingly massive ghost--if ghost indeed she were.

  He had retired step by step before her to the hearthrug, where he nowstood shivering, with the fire hot at his back, and his kettle stillsinging on undismayed. He made no attempt to account for her presencethere on any rationalistic theory. A statue had suddenly come to life,and chosen to pay him a nocturnal visit; he knew no more than that,except that he would have given worlds for courage to show it the door.

  The spectral eyes were bent upon him, as if in expectation that hewould begin the conversation, and, at last, with a very unmanageabletongue, he managed to observe--

  "Did you want to see me on--on business, mum?"

  "DID YOU WANT TO SEE ME ON--ON BUSINESS, MUM?"]

  But the statue only relaxed her lips in a haughty smile.

  "For goodness' sake, say something!" he cried wildly; "unless you wantme to jump out of the winder! What is it you've come about?"

  It seemed to him that in some way a veil had lifted from the stone face,leaving it illumined by a strange light, and from the lips came a voicewhich addressed him in solemn far-away tones, as of one talking insleep. He could not have said with certainty that the language was hisown, though somehow he understood her perfectly.

  "You know me not?" she said, with a kind of sad indifference.

  "Well," Leander admitted, as politely as his terror would allow, "youcertingly have the advantage of me for the moment, mum."

  "I am Aphrodite the foam-born, the matchless seed of AEgis-bearing Zeus.Many names have I amongst the sons of men, and many temples, and I swaythe hearts of all lovers; and gods--yea, and mortals--have burned forme, a goddess, with an unconsuming, unquenchable fire!"

  "Lor!" said Leander. If he had not been so much flurried, he might havefound a remark worthier of the occasion, but the announcement that shewas a goddess took his breath away. He had quite believed that goddesseswere long since "gone out."

  "You know wherefore I am come hither?" she said.

  "Not at this minute, I don't," he replied. "You'll excuse me, but youcan't be the statue out of those gardens? You reelly are so surprisinglylike, that I couldn't help asking you."

  "I am Aphrodite, and no statue. Long--how long I know not--have I lainentranced in slumber in my sea-girt isle of Cyprus, and now again hasthe living touch of a mortal hand upon one of my sacred images called mefrom my rest, and given me power to animate this marble shell. Some handhas placed this ring upon my finger. Tell me, was it yours?"

  Leander was almost reassured; after all, he could forgive her forterrifying him so much, since she had come on so good-natured an errand.

  "Quite correct, mum--miss!" (he wished he knew the proper form foraddressing a goddess) "that ring is my property. I'm sure it's verycivil and friendly of you to come all this way about it," and he heldout his hand for it eagerly.

  "And think you it was for this that I have visited the face of the earthand the haunts of men, and followed your footsteps hither by roadsstrange and unknown to me? You are too modest, youth."

  "I don't know what there is modest in expecting you to behave honest!"he said, rather wondering at his own audacity.

  "How are you called?" she inquired suddenly on this; and after hearingthe answer, remarked that the name was known to her as that of a goodlyand noble youth who had perished for the sake of Hero.

  "The gentleman may have been a connection of mine, for all I know," hesaid; "the Tweddles have always kep' themselves respectable. But I'm nota hero myself, I'm a hairdresser."

  She repeated the word thoughtfully, though she did not seem to quitecomprehend it; and indeed it is likely enough that, however intelligibleshe was to Leander, the understanding was far from being entirelyreciprocal.

  She extended her hand to him, smiling not ungraciously. "Leander," shesaid, "cease to tremble, for a great happiness is yours. Bold have youbeen; yet am I not angered, for I come. Cast, then, away all fear, andknow that Aphrodite disdains not to accept a mortal's plighted troth!"

  Leander entrenched himself promptly behind the armchair. "I don't knowwhat you're talking about!" he said. "How can I help fearing, with youcoming down on me like this? Ask yourself."

  "Can you not understand that your prayer is heard?" she demanded.

  "_What_ prayer?" cried Leander.

  "Crass and gross-witted has the world grown!" said she; "a Greek swainwould have needed but few words to divine his bliss. Know, then, thatyour suit is accepted; never yet has Aphrodite turned the humblest fromher shrine. By this symbol," and she lightly touched the ring, "you havegiven yourself to me. I accept the offering--you are mine!"

  Leander was stupefied by such an unlooked-for misconception. He couldscarcely believe his ears; but he hastened to set himself right at once.

  "If you mean that you were under the impression that I meant anything inparticular by putting that ring on, it was all a mistake, mum," he said."I shouldn't have presumed to it!"

  "Were you the lowliest of men, I care not," she replied; "to you I owethe power I now enjoy of life and vision, nor shall you find meungrateful. But forbear this false humility; I like it not. Come, then,Leander, at the bidding of Cypris; come, and fear nothing!"

  But he feared very much, for he had seen the operas of _Don Giovanni_and _Zampa_, and knew that any familiarity with statuary was likely tohave unpleasant consequences. He merely strengthened his defences with achair.

  "You must excuse me, mum, you must indeed," he faltered; "I can't come!"

  "Why?" she asked.

  "Because I've other engagements," he replied.

  "I remember," she said slowly, "in the grove, when light met my eyesonce more, there was a maid with you, one who laughed and was merry.Answer--is she your love?"

  "No, she isn't," he said shortly. "What if she was?"

  "If she were," observed the goddess, with the air of one who mentionedan ordinary fact, "I should crush her!"

  "Lord bless me!" cried Leander, in his horror. "What for?"

  "Would not she be in my path? and shall any mortal maid stand between meand my desire?"

  This was a discovery. She was a jealous and vengeful goddess; she wouldrequire to be sedulously humoured, or harm would come.

  "Well, well," he said soothingly, "there's nothing of that sort abouther, I do assure you."

  "Then I spare her," said the goddess. "But how, then, if this be trulyso, do you still shrink from the honour before you?"

  Leander felt a natural unwillingness to explain that it was because hewas engaged to a young lady who kept the accounts at a florist's.

  "Well, the fact is," he said awkwardly, "there's difficulties in theway."

  "Difficulties? I can remove them all!" she said.

  "Not _these_ you can't, mum. It's like this: You and me, we don't start,so to speak, from the same basin. I don't mean it as any reproach toyou, but you can't deny you're an Eathen, and, worse than that, anEathen goddess. Now all my family have been brought up as chapel folk,Primitive Methodists, and I've been trained to have a horror ofsuperstition and idolatries, and see the folly of it. So you can see foryourself that we shouldn't be likely to get on together!"

  "You talk words," she said impatiently; "but empty are they, andmeaningless to my ears. One thing I learn from them--that you seek toescape me!"

  "That's putting it too harsh, mum," he protested. "I'm sur
e I feel thehonour of such a call; and, by the way, do you mind telling me how yougot my address--how you found me out, I mean?"

  "No one remains long hid from the searching eye of the high gods," shereplied.

  "So I should be inclined to say," agreed Leander. "But only tell methis, wasn't it you in the omnibus? We call our public conveyancesomnibuses, as perhaps you mayn't know."

  "I, sea-born Aphrodite, _I_ in a public conveyance, an omnibus? There isan impiety in such a question!"

  "Well, I only thought it might have been," he stammered, rather relievedupon the whole that it was not the goddess who had seen his precipitatebolt from the vehicle. Who the female in the corner really was, he neverknew; though a man of science might account for the resemblance she boreto the statue by ascribing it to one of those preparatory impressionsprojected occasionally by a strong personality upon a weak one. ButLeander was content to leave the matter unexplained.

  "Let it suffice you," she said, "that I am here; and once more, Leander,are you prepared to fulfil the troth you have plighted?"

  "I--I can't say I am," he said. "Not that I don't feel thankful forhaving had the refusal of so very 'igh-class an opportunity; but, as I'msituated at present--what with the state of trade, and unbelief sorampant, and all--I'm obliged to decline with respectful thanks."

  He trusted that after this she would see the propriety of going.

  "Have a care!" she said; "you are young and not uncomely, and my heartpities you. Do nothing rash. Pause, ere you rouse the implacable ire ofAphrodite!"

  "Thank you," said Leander; "if you'll allow me, I will. I don't want anyill-feeling, I'm sure. It's my wish to live peaceable with all men."

  "I leave you, then. Use the time before you till I come again inthinking well whether he acts wisely who spurns the proffered hand ofIdalian Aphrodite. For the present, farewell, Leander!"

  He was overjoyed at his coming deliverance. "Good evening, mum," hesaid, as he ran to the door and held it open. "If you'll allow me, I'lllight you down the staircase--it's rather dark, I'm afraid."

  "_Fool!_,'" she said with scorn, and without stirring from her place;and, as she spoke the word, the veil seemed to descend over her faceagain, the light faded out, and, with a slight shudder, the figureimperceptibly resumed its normal attitude, the drapery stiffened oncemore into chiselled folds, and the statue was soulless as are statuesgenerally.

 

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