by F. Anstey
AN EXPERIMENT
V.
"'Tis time; descend; be stone no more; approach: Strike all that look upon with marvel."
_The Winter's Tale._
The next day brought Leander a letter which made his heart beat withmingled emotions--it was from his Matilda. It had evidently been writtenimmediately before her return, and told him that she would be at theirold meeting-place (the statue of Fox in Bloomsbury Square) at eighto'clock that evening.
The wave of tenderness which swept over him at the anticipation of thiswas hurled back by an uncomfortable thought. What if Matilda were torefer to the ring? But no; his Matilda would do nothing so indelicate.
All through the day he mechanically went through his hairdressing,singeing, and shampooing operations, divided between joy at the prospectof seeing his adored Matilda again, and anxiety respecting the coldmarble swathed in the print wrapper, which stood in the corner of hishair-cutting saloon.
He glanced at it every time he went past to change a brush or heat arazor, but there was no sign of movement under the folds, and hegradually became reassured, especially as it excited no remark.
But as evening drew on he felt that, for the success of his experiment,it was necessary that the cover should be removed. It was dangerous,supposing the inspector were to come in unexpectedly and recognise thestatue; but he could only trust to fortune for that, and hoped, too,that even if the detective came he would be able to keep him in theouter shop.
It was only for one evening, and it was well worth the risk.
A foreign gentleman had come in, and the hairdresser found that a freshwrapper was required, which gave him the excuse he wanted for unveilingthe Aphrodite. He looked carefully at the face as he uncovered it, butcould discover no speculation as yet in the calm, full gaze of thegoddess.
The foreign gentleman was inclined to be talkative under treatment, andthe conversation came round to public amusements.
"In my country," the customer said, without mentioning or betraying whathis particular country was--"in my country we have what you have not,places to sit out in the fresh air, and drink a glass of beer, alongwith the entertainments. You have not that in London?"
"Bless your soul, yes," said Leander, who was a true patriot, "plenty ofthem!"
"Oh, I did not aware that; but who?"
"Well," said the hairdresser, "there's the Eagle in the City Road, forone; and there's the Surrey Gardens; and there's Rosherwich," he added,after a pause. (The Fisheries Exhibition, it may be said, was as yetunknown.)
"And you go there, often?"
"I've been to Rosherwich."
"Was it goot there--you laike it, eh?"
"Well," said Leander, "they tell me it's very gay in the season.P'rhaps I went at the wrong time of the year for it."
"What you call wrong time for it?"
"Slack--nothing going on," he explained; "like it was when I went lastSaturday."
"You went last Saturday? And you stay a long time?"
"I didn't stay no longer than I could help," Leander said. "All ourparty was glad to get away."
The foreigner had risen to go, when his eyes fell on the Venus in thecorner.
"You did not stay long, and your party was glad to come away?" herepeated absently. "I am not surprised at that." He gave the hairdressera long stare as he spoke. "No, I am not surprised.... You have a goodtaste, my friend; you laike the antique, do you not?" he broke offsuddenly.
"Ah! you are looking at the Venus, sir," said Leander. "Yes, I'm verypartial to it."
"It is a taste that costs," his customer said.
He looked back over his shoulder as he left the shop, and once morerepeated softly, "Yes, it is a taste that costs."
"I suppose," Leander reflected as he went back, "it does strike peopleas queer, my keeping that statue there; but it's only for one evening."
The foreigner had scarcely left when an old gentleman, a regularcustomer, looked in, on his way from the City, and at once noticed theinnovation. He was an old gentleman who had devoted much time and studyto Art, in the intervals of business, and had developed critical powersof the highest order.
He walked straight up to the Venus, and stuck out his under lip. "Wheredid you get that thing?" he inquired. "Isn't this place of yours smallenough, without lumbering it up with statuary out of the Euston Road?"
"I didn't get it there," said Leander. "I--I thought it would be 'andyto 'ang the 'ats on."
"Dear, dear," said the old gentleman, "why do you people dabble inmatters you don't understand? Come here, Tweddle, and let me show you.Can't you _see_ what a miserable sham the thing is--a cheap, tawdryimitation of the splendid classic type? Why, by merely exhibiting such athing, you're vitiating public taste, sir--corrupting it."
Leander did not quite follow this rebuke, which he thought was probablybased upon the goddess's antecedents.
"Was she reelly as bad as that, sir?" he said. "I wasn't aware so, or Ishouldn't give any offence to customers by letting her stay here."
As he spoke he saw the indefinable indications in the statue's facewhich denoted that it was instinct once more with life and intelligence,and he was horrified at the thought that the latter part of theconversation might have been overheard.
"But I've always understood," he said, hastily, "that the party thisrepresents was puffickly correct, however free some of the others mighthave been; and I suppose that's the costume of the period she's in, andvery becoming it is, I'm sure, though gone out since."
"Bah!" said the old gentleman, "it's poor art. I'll show you _where_ thething is bad. I happen to understand something of these things. Justobserve how the top of the head is out of drawing; look at the lownessof the forehead, and the distance between the eyes; all the canons ofproportion ignored--absolutely ignored!"
What further strictures this rash old gentleman was preparing to passupon the statue will never be known now, for Tweddle already thought hecould discern a growing resentment in her face, under so much candour.He could not stand by and allow so excellent a customer to be crushed onthe floor of his saloon, and he knew the Venus quite capable of this:was she not perpetually threatening such a penalty, on much slighterprovocation?
He rushed between the unconscious man and his fate. "I think you saidyour hair cut?" he said, and laid violent hands upon the critic, forcedhim protesting into a chair, throttled him with a towel, and effectuallydiverted his attention by a series of personal remarks upon the top ofhis head.
The victim, while he was being shampooed, showed at first an alarmingtendency to revert to the subject of the goddess's defects, but Leanderwas able to keep him in check by well-timed jets of scalding water andice-cold sprays, which he directed against his customer's exposed crown,until every idea, except impotent rage, was washed out of it, while ahard machine brush completed the subjugation.
Finally, the unfortunate old man staggered out of the shop, preserved byLeander's unremitting watchfulness from the wrath of the goddess. Yet,such is the ingratitude of human nature, that he left the place vowingto return no more. "I thought I'd got a _clown_ behind me, sir!" he usedto say afterwards, in describing it.
Before Leander could recover from the alarm he had been thrown into,another customer had entered; a pale young man, with a glossy hat, awhite satin necktie, and a rather decayed gardenia. He, too, was one ofTweddle's regular clients. What his occupation might be was a mystery,for he aimed at being considered a man of pleasure.
"I say, just shave me, will you?" he said, and threw himself languidlyinto a chair. "Fact is, Tweddle, I've been so doosid chippy for the lasttwo days, I daren't touch a razor."
"Indeed, sir!" said Leander, with respectful sympathy.
"You see," explained the youth, "I've been playing the goat--the giddygoat. Know what that means?"
"I used to," said Leander; "I never touch alcoholic stimulants now,myself."
"Wish I didn't. I say, Tweddle, have you been to the Cosmopolitanlately?"
"I don't go to music-'alls now," said Leander; "I've give up all thatnow I'm keeping company."
"Well, you go and see the new ballet," the youth exhorted him earnestly;not that he cared whether the hairdresser went or not, but because hewanted to talk about the ballet to somebody.
"Ah!" observed Leander; "is that a good one they've got there now, sir?"
"Rather think so. Ballet called _Olympus_. There's a regular rippinglittle thing who comes on as one of Venus's doves." And the youth wenton to intimate that the dove in question had shown signs of being struckby his powers of fascination. "I saw directly that I'd mashed her; shewas gone, dead gone, sir; and----I say, who's that in the corner overthere--eh?"
He was staring intently into the pier-glass in front of him. "That?"said Leander, following his glance. "Oh! that's a statue I've bought.She--she brightens up the place a bit, don't she?"
"A statue, is it? Yes, of course; I knew it was a statue. Well, aboutthat dove. I went round after it was all over, but couldn't see a signof her; so----That's a queer sort of statue you've got there!" hebroke off suddenly; and Leander distinctly saw the goddess shake her armin fierce menace. "He's said something that's put her out," heconcluded. "I wish I knew what it was."
"It's a classical statue, sir," he said, with what composure he might;"they're all made like that."
"Are they, by Jove? But, Tweddle, I say, it _moves_: it's shaking itsfist like old Harry!"
"Oh, I think you're mistaken, sir, really! I don't perceive it myself."
"Don't perceive it? But, hang it, man, look--look in the glass! There!don't you see it does? Dash it! can't you _say_ it does?"
"Flaw in the mirror, sir; when you move your 'ed, you do ketch thateffect. I've observed it myself frequent. Chin cut, sir? My fault--myfault entirely," he admitted handsomely.
The young man was shaved by this time, and had risen to receive his hatand cane, when he gave a violent start as he passed the Aphrodite."There!" he said, breathlessly, "look at that, Tweddle; she's going topunch my head! I suppose you'll tell me _that's_ the glass?"
Leander trembled--this time for his own reputation; for the report thathe kept a mysterious and pugnacious statue on the premises would notincrease his custom. He must silence it, if possible. "I'm afraid it is,sir--in a way," he remarked, compassionately.
The young man turned paler still. "No!" he exclaimed. "You don't thinkit is, though? Don't you see anything yourself? I don't either, Tweddle;I was chaffing, that's all. I know I'm a wee bit off colour; but it'snot so bad as that. Keep off! Tell her to drop it, Tweddle!"
"KEEP OFF! TELL HER TO DROP IT, TWEDDLE!"]
For, as he spoke, the goddess had made a stride towards him. "Miserableone!" she cried, "you have mangled one of my birds. Hence, or I crushthee!"
"Tweddle! Tweddle!" cried the youth, taking refuge in the other shop,"don't let her come after me! What's she talking about, eh? Youshouldn't have these things about; they're--they're not _right_!"
Leander shut the glass door and placed himself before it, while he triedto assume a concerned interest. "You take my advice, sir," he said; "yougo home and keep steady."
"Is it that?" murmured the customer. "Great Scott! I must be bad!" andhe went out into the street, shaking.
"I don't believe I shall ever see _him_ again, either," thought Leander."She'll drive 'em all away if she goes on like this." But here a suddenrecollection struck him, and he slapped his thigh with glee. "Why, ofcourse," he said, "that's it. I've downright disgusted her; it was meshe was most put out with, and after this she'll leave me alone. Hooray!I'll shut up everything first and get rid of the boy, and then go in andsee her, and get away to Matilda."
When the shop was secured for the night, he re-entered the saloon with alight step. "Well, mum," he began, "you've seen me at work, and you'vethought better of what you were proposing, haven't you now?"
"Where is the wretched stripling who dared to slay my dove?" she cried."Bring him to me!"
"What _are_ you a-talking about now?" cried the bewildered Leander."Who's been touching your birds? I wasn't aware you _kept_ birds."
"Many birds are sacred to me--the silver swan, the fearless sparrow,and, chief of all, the coral-footed dove. And one of these has thatmonster slain--his own mouth hath spoken it."
"Oh! is that all?" said Leander. "Why, he wasn't talking about a realdove; it was a ballet girl he meant. I can't explain the difference; butthey _are_ different. And it's all talk, too. I know him; _he's_harmless enough. And now, mum, to come to the point; you've now had theopportunity of forming some ideer of my calling. You've thought betterof it, haven't you?"
"Better! ay, far better!" she cried, in a voice that thrilled withpride. "Leander, too modestly you have rated yourself, for surely youare great amongst the sons of men."
"_Me!_" he gasped, utterly overcome. "How do you make that out?"
"Do you not compel them to furnish sport for you? Have I not seen themcome in, talking boldly and loud, and yet seat themselves submissivelyat a sign from you? And do you not swathe them in the garb ofhumiliation, and daub their countenances with whiteness, and threatentheir bared throats with the gleaming knife, and grind their heads underthe resistless wheel? Then, having in disdain granted them theirworthless lives, you set them free; and they propitiate you with a gift,and depart trembling."
"Well, of all the topsy-turvy contrariness!" he protested. "You've gotit _all_ wrong; I declare you have! But I'll put you right, if it'spossible to do it." And he launched into a lengthy explanation of thewonders she had seen, at the end of which he inquired, "_Now_ do youunderstand I'm nobody in particular?"
"It may be so," she admitted; "but what of that? Ere this have I beenwild with love for a herdsman on Phrygian hills. Aye, Adonis have Ikissed in the oakwood, and bewailed his loss. And did not Selenedescend to woo the neatherd Endymion? Wherefore, then, should I scornthee? and what are the differences and degrees of mortals to such as I!Be bold; distrust your merits no longer, since I, who amongst thegoddesses obtained the prize of beauty, have chosen you for my own."
"I don't care what prizes you won," he said, sulkily; "I'm not yours,and I don't intend to be, either." He was watching the clock impatientlyall the while, for it was growing very near nine.
"It is vain to struggle," she said, "since not the gods themselves canresist Fate. We must yield, and contend not."
"You begin it, then," he said. "Give me my ring."
"The sole symbol of my power! the charm which has called me from my longsleep! Never!"
"Then," said Leander, knowing full well that his threat was animpossible one, "I shall place the matter in the hands of a respectablelawyer."
"I understand you not; but it is no matter. In time I shall prevail."
"Well, mum, you must come again another evening, if you've noobjection," said Leander, rudely, "because I've got to go out just now."
"I will accompany you," she said.
Leander nearly danced with frenzy. Take the statue with him to meet hisdear Matilda! He dared not. "You're very kind," he stammered, perspiringfreely; "but I couldn't think of taking you out such a foggy evening."
"Have no cares for me," she answered; "we will go together. You shallexplain to me the ways of this changed world."
"Catch _me_!" was Leander's elliptical comment to himself; but he hadto pretend a delighted acquiescence. "Well," he cried, "if I hadn't beenthinking how lonely it would be going out alone! and now I shall havethe honour of your company, mum. You wait a bit here, while I runupstairs and fetch my 'at."
But the perfidious man only waited until he was on the other side of thedoor, which led from the saloon to his staircase, to lock it after him,and slip out by the private door into the street.
"Now, my lady," he thought triumphantly, "you're safe for awhile, at allevents. I've put up the shutters, and so you won't get out that way. Andnow for Tillie!"