Still, for a moment, I’d felt free. That, I couldn’t deny.
I limped the car back into the pits. My mind was in disarray, and I couldn’t even turn my head enough to look back at Beau. My head spun with thoughts of what he might have been doing.
Why was he in Australia?
By the time I was free of the car, and out of the safety gear, my heart hammered in my chest. My gaze kept travelling to the stands. To where Beau sat, unmoving and staring at his hands.
“I see you’ve noticed there’s someone here.” Dad indicated over his shoulder, to the place where my eyes kept drifting even though I tried to keep my focus fixed on my parents. “He wanted to watch you out there, but he’s agreed that he won’t come near you or home unless you want to see him.”
“Do I have to?” I’d spent so long trying not to think about him. So long hoping he’d forget about me and find someone else, that I didn’t know what to do now that he was so close.
“It’s your choice, sweetie,” Mum added.
I looked past my parents to the figure in the stands once again. He still sat with his hands in his lap and his head bowed. It was as if he couldn’t even look at me. Not that I blamed him; I couldn’t look at me either. Not when I’d failed us both.
As if he knew I was watching him, he glanced in my direction and caught my gaze. Something that was not quite a smile flitted across his lips when he saw me looking. One hand lifted to offer me a small wave. It was such a simple gesture, and yet it made me want to run toward him and away from him all at once.
“What does he want?” I asked.
“He misses you,” Dad said. “He wants to make sure you’re okay. And he’s taken Richards Racing’s collapse as a chance for a sabbatical so he can do that.”
He’d taken time off to find me? It should have seemed like a sweet gesture, but it made my palms sweaty and stole my breath away for all the wrong reasons.
“What? How long has he been here?” More importantly, how long had my parents known he was in Australia?
“Just a couple of weeks,” Dad said. “He wanted to see you sooner.”
“Why’s he here today then?” If it was my choice, why was it being taken away?
“Because this was his idea,” Dad said. “He thought you’d find some peace behind the wheel.”
My stomach clenched as my gaze found Beau again. How could he have guessed the way I’d feel in the car? I knew the answer at once, but I couldn’t acknowledge it.
Now that he knew I was watching him, he seemed more on edge. He wasn’t staring at his hands. Instead, he shifted between staring at me and dropping his gaze to his feet. He seemed to rock slightly, as though sitting still was a physical pain.
“It’s okay, we’ll be right here,” Mum said, touching my shoulder.
I flinched at the contact, but she left it in place.
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Dad added. “No one will force you to do anything.”
In my parents’ eyes, I was back to being a china doll. A fragile thing that could break with the slightest breeze. The worst part was, they were right.
I hated it.
I wanted to be strong but had no idea how to find the strength in myself anymore. Not when Xavier and Bee were there every time I closed my eyes. Their actions had left me alienated from my friends, my family, and even myself.
“If he came all the way from the States,” I said as I tried to wrestle my breathing back under my control, “I guess I can walk a few hundred metres to meet him.”
I was trying to convince myself as much as anyone else.
Both Mum and Dad stopped and stared at each other. Slowly their smiles grew. It was in the little moments like that, things I doubted they even realised I saw, that I understood how broken I was. My concession to talk to Beau shouldn’t have been a noteworthy occasion.
And yet it was.
MY GAZE TRAILED the ground in front of me as I made my way to Beau. When I risked a quick glance up at him, I saw his gaze focused on me again. He didn’t move though. Didn’t rise to meet me.
Why not?
I picked at my sleeve as I covered the rest of the ground. The fire suit that had felt as comfortable as a second skin when I’d found my place out on the track now clung to me and squeezed my lungs.
Step by step, I closed the distance between us. With every metre, my body shook more. My legs were like jelly as I hit the stairs. Tears burned my eyes.
I can do this. I can do this. The words ran through my head over and over as I tried to force myself to not run from Beau.
The closer I got, the less he moved. His smile was small and innocuous, no doubt aiming to be as unthreatening as possible, and yet it was such a reminder of Xavier’s friendly attempts at charm during my imprisonment. It made me want to run. I dug my fingernails into my palms and kept walking.
“Um, hi,” I said, giving him a small wave before letting my fingers find the edge of my fire suit again. I wanted to meet his eye, to look into the chocolate and amber depths, but I wasn’t sure if I could handle the disappointment and pity I was certain to see.
The last time I’d looked into his eyes properly, I’d thought we could have been happy. Now we never could be. And that was my fault.
“Darlin’, I—” He cut off with a choked sob as he wrung his hands together. He stared straight ahead at his fingers. With a hard laugh that held no joy, he traced one hand through his hair. “Ya can’t believe how many times I’ve practised this conversation in my head. How many times I’ve imagined what I might do the moment ya finally talked to me ag’in. If you did.”
I had to clutch my stomach when he spoke, just to keep myself together. How many times had I dreamed of that voice? How many times had I pictured all the moments we’d shared? Even the word “finally,” with his accent ignoring the a and hitting the word as fine-ly, took me back to the night we met almost twelve months earlier.
I tried to hold it together, but that memory was too much. I wrapped my arms around myself as my lip quivered and my body shook.
“Now I’m here . . . I can’t find the words I need,” Beau finished before turning to me. His expression dropped as he took in my appearance. “Oh, darlin’.”
Before I had time to guess at his intention, he was on his feet and in front of me. He stopped as I recoiled from him. We stood there for an impossible length of time—him staring at me and me trying not to fall to pieces in front of him.
I finally raised my gaze to meet his eyes. What I saw there was enough to tear me into pieces. But I saw it might also be enough to put me back together.
Beyond the red that rimmed his eyes, and the purple-black bags beneath them, there was compassion. Love. Desire. Sorrow.
But I couldn’t see an ounce of blame. Maybe he didn’t know all the things I’d done that he should blame me for yet though.
Without letting myself think it through, I leapt forward and wrapped my arms around his neck.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, setting off a chain of apologies that flowed from my lips without end.
He didn’t hold me in return but lifted his hands to rest against my shoulder blades. “Shh, darlin’, shh, ya ain’t got nothin’ to apologise for.”
His voice was soft, whispered for me and me alone.
“I do. You don’t know, Beau. You don’t understand.”
“Will ya help me to understand?”
“I wasn’t strong enough, Beau. I wasn’t strong enough to fight and I lost—” I sucked down a breath and as I struggled not to cry. “—I—I lost a baby. Our baby. It was my fault.”
Unlike the few other people I’d admitted it to, he didn’t tell me it wasn’t important—that all that mattered was my survival. He didn’t try to explain that I had no choice or control. That I couldn’t blame myself. Neither did he pull away or hurl accusations at me like I’d worried he would. There was also no denial that it was impossible or untrue. His calm, steady reaction made one thing clea
r.
He already knew.
He knew and he was there for me anyway.
My sobbing grew louder. Why had I pushed him away for so long? Especially when he’d been patiently waiting for me. Angel had told me that before I’d stopped seeing her. Dad too. I hadn’t believed them though. Hadn’t believed he could still love me after everything.
And yet, there was still so much he didn’t know. How could he love me through the rest?
“Can I hold ya?” His words were whispered against my throat. A request, not a demand. He wasn’t just taking, he wanted my permission.
It made me see he’d stayed still when I was coming to him not because he wanted to, but because I needed it to be my choice. It told me he understood, at least as much as I could expect him to.
I nodded against his neck, and muttered one word that would shift things between us. “Please.”
Even as I spoke, I knew I was nowhere near ready for what it would bring, but I hoped Beau would understand that.
He slipped his arms around my waist and clasped me against his body. For so long, we stood holding each other tighter than we ever had. It wasn’t enough to fix everything, but it was a start. Just like when I’d slipped behind the wheel, I tasted freedom from the nightmares. A few precious moments of peace.
The instant my hold weakened though, so did Beau’s. Before I could even process the sensation of loss I felt without him holding me, his arms were back at his side.
“Would ya like to sit?”
With a nod, I took a seat in the stands.
“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you sooner,” I said, knowing the statement was inadequate. I hadn’t just not talked with him. I’d pushed him away with deliberate and callous moves. “I just . . . couldn’t. I still can’t. I lo—” I cut myself off as a shudder ran through me. “I care about you. More than I can say. But every thought of you, every time I look at photos of you, I’m back there again. I’m chai—” I cut off with a sob. Being able to say the words to describe my ordeal to Beau was impossible. “I’m disappointing you over and over.”
“Ya ain’t disappointin’ me.” He rested one hand on his leg, as close to me as he dared. Palm up. An open invitation if I was willing to take it. “Ya ain’t never disappointed me.”
“I’m not who I was,” I said after a moment, brushing my fingers against his palm as I decided whether to accept the offer—what it would mean if I did. “I don’t know if I ever will be again.”
I expected his offered hand to disappear as I said the words, but it didn’t. Leaving his hand where it was, he nodded. “I understand that, darlin’. None of us is who we were before. None of us is unchanged.”
Even though I understood his words, I didn’t acknowledge them. “There’s one thing I need to know.”
“Ask me anythin’.”
The tears that never seemed to fully dry anymore burned my eyes again as I asked, “What do you expect from me?”
He chuckled, causing me to frown in confusion.
“Expectations,” he said by way of explanation. “Ain’t that what we’ve always avoided?”
I gave a half shrug. “Like I said, I’m not that girl anymore. I can’t do easy and carefree like I used to.”
Even as I said the words, I took a huge risk for me and slipped my hand into his. His gaze left mine for a moment to drop down to our now joined hands. One corner of his lip lifted slightly.
“All I ’spect—” He sucked down a breath and started again. “All I hope, is for ya not to shut me out. I wanna be here for ya, Phoebe, any way ya want me. If that’s just as a friend, I wanna be that for you.”
“But you want more?”
His gaze trailed my face, as though he was drinking in every feature worried he might not see it again. “The way I feel about you hasn’t changed. It ain’t gonna, but I ain’t ever gonna force anythin’, darlin’. I’ll give ya as much or as li’l as ya want.”
As he said the words—as they’d come too close to penetrating my heart—I dragged my hand out of his. There wasn’t a moment he resisted my escape, immediately releasing the hold. It was proof of his words—evidence he wasn’t like those who’d imprisoned me for so long.
I drew my knees up onto the seat and stared straight ahead of me. I was about at my limit of human interaction for the day, and I didn’t know whether I could push myself beyond it.
Seeing Beau had challenged me and pushed me to the edge faster than ever.
“This is the first time I’ve been anywhere but home or my shrink’s office. I haven’t even been to the shops since I’ve been home.” I turned my head to look at him, resting my cheek on my knees. “How goddamn pathetic is that?”
He lifted his hand and moved it closer to me, ever so slowly. When it was just a few centimetres from my other cheek, he stopped and lifted his brows in question—a silent request for permission. Without shifting my position, and unsure exactly what he was doing, I gave a tiny nod.
“I don’t think it’s pathetic at all.” His knuckle landed feather-light just beside my eye. With a soft touch, he started to draw a line along the side of my face. He’d only made it as far as my cheek before it hit.
The dank smell of a concreted space.
His face filling my field of vision.
The barrel of a gun tracing the side of my cheek.
“I have all the time in the world to make you mine.”
I shoved my arms out in front of me, pushing him away, and scrambled to my feet. “Get away!” I screamed. “Get away from me!”
I landed in a ball in the space between my seat and the row in front of me and wrapped my arms around my head.
“Leave me alone!” I chanted the words over and over as I rocked in place.
Hands grabbed at me. My name was called again and again. “Phoebe. Phoebe, please?”
My sobs overtook my screams, but the words kept coming. “Leave me alone.”
“Dawson.”
I froze at the new name. It wasn’t part of this. It belonged to a different dream—a better one. My body shook as a new awareness of my surroundings filled me.
I glanced up to meet a pair of worried chocolate and amber irises. This was a mistake. I should’ve stayed away. Now I’d opened my wounds up, and they were weeping again.
“Fuck,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
I climbed to my feet, staggering as I moved away from him.
“I’m sorry,” I said again as I found the stairs and all but raced down them back to Mum and Dad, who were running toward me, no doubt having heard my outburst.
I threw myself into Dad’s arms—one of the few places in the world that still felt safe.
He steadied me on my feet as my tears fell in earnest.
“Are you all right?” Mum asked, offering a safe, supportive touch on my shoulder. It was a reminder that she’d been therapy-trained to know the ways to try to comfort her broken child.
I shook my head. “I just wanna go home please.”
“Okay, sweetheart,” Dad said. “We’ll get you home.”
They guided me away from the track with Dad’s arm around my shoulders, and Mum holding my hand.
As we walked, I risked a glance back at Beau. He was still sitting in the same seat, with his head bowed in his hands. I could have been wrong, but it looked like his body shook with sobs.
This was exactly the reason I’d tried to push him away. He deserved a chance for happiness with someone who wasn’t broken. Someone who didn’t freak out with the tiniest touch. Someone who hadn’t been the cause of his child’s death.
I kept my eyes trained on him as long as I could. As I did, understanding grew. He’d been in Australia for weeks. He’d been in contact with Mum and Dad. I had no doubt he was still in contact with Angel. It all pointed to the fact that he wouldn’t quit. There was nothing I could do to stop him contacting me. A shudder raced through me as horror filled me at the thought.
And yet it also offered a calm shelter for the parts
of me that still loved him. A place they could hide while I rode out the storm raging within.
DR BRADSHAW WAS fastidious about keeping time, and the confidentiality of her patients’ identities, so she didn’t have a typical waiting room, only a lounge for guests waiting for loved ones. There were few opportunities to be caught visiting her office unless you wanted to be seen.
Because Mum had made me leave home earlier than normal, there were still a few minutes before my appointment. We had to wait it out in a coffee shop across the road from the building that housed her offices. After the disaster with Beau at the track, I was beside myself with fear over being out in public.
It had been four days since then, and despite my parents asking about him at least once a day, I still hadn’t seen or spoken to him again. I was more aware that he was around though. I found myself checking the window at night, even though Beau had never been the threat.
“Tell me why we couldn’t have her come to our house again?” I asked as I held my arms around myself. It was something I’d asked for since learning Beau was around—to go back to how it had been the first few appointments, where Dr Bradshaw had made house calls and sat with me in my bedroom while I hid from the world.
It wasn’t actually Beau I was afraid of, but what he represented. A boyfriend who wouldn’t let go. My gaze shifted around the cafe, watching for the faces I feared more than any other. It didn’t matter that they were all dead; I still watched for them.
“Because you need to get out of the house,” Mum said, juggling Nikki from one hip to the other. The task was made more difficult by Mum’s recent weight gain, but she managed the move long before I could muster up the strength to offer to help. “We’re here to support you, always, but I know you don’t want to be a recluse and hide away forever.”
There was something in her actions that was slightly too forced. Too calm for the situation. “Dr Bradshaw told you to bring me early, didn’t she?”
She gave me a knowing smile. “We can’t hide anything from you. She did. She wanted a controlled environment where she could then talk to you about your feelings afterwards.”
Physis (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #4) Page 4