“It will get better, Phoebe. It won’t be a simple road, but it will be easier if you walk it with people you can trust at your side.”
At the kerb, seconds before she crossed the road back to the office, Mum stopped and spun around. She rushed back into the café. “How do I know who that is though?”
“I can’t answer that for you. But I can say you shouldn’t shut everyone out.”
When Mum came back out, someone was at her side. Beau. They were chatting together. The conversation between them looked almost easy. “I thought I could trust Xavier.”
“I understand that. And your trust was broken. That’s not something easy to forget or move on from. You need to find people you can rely on.”
Trying to absorb her words, I watched the scene below—where Mum and Beau were still kerbside, talking. Beau smiled at something Mum said and then rested his hand—
I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see things I couldn’t unsee.
I needed the peace of mind that came with ignorance more than I needed to watch. “That’s the thing.” I spun around her face her. “I think Beau wants me to trust him. He won’t approach me until I ask him to, he’s made that clear. And I want to trust him, I really do, but how can I bring him into my world? How can I force this”—I gestured around her office—“onto him?”
“The way I see it, if someone is willing to go to the effort of making you feel comfortable, then maybe that’s how you know. If they’re willing to stand back and wait for you to be ready, they might be someone worth keeping in your life.”
Her statement seemed like a confirmation that she and Beau had talked about me. How could I trust him when he was talking to everyone and invading my life from behind my back? How could everyone let him? Mum. Dr Bradshaw. Dad. Angel.
Person by person, he was taking away my choice. Taking away my freedom. And they were all letting him.
“You know what? Fuck you.” I spat the words at the doctor. “How dare you stand here and talk about trust when you’ve been breaking it as much as everyone else!”
I shoved away from the window and grabbed my bag.
“Phoebe, I—”
“No! Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t want him to know everything about me.” How dare she talk to him about me! My breaths were erratic as I shoved her office door open. I turned around so I could look at her traitorous eyes. “How fucking dare you!”
I slammed the door before she could come after me. When I hit the elevator, I smashed the call button repeatedly, but I couldn’t wait. Couldn’t stand still and hope that no one tried to talk to me.
With a temper burning through me, I found my way to the fire escape and shoved open the door. It didn’t matter that I was fourteen flights up. Nothing mattered but getting to freedom. Getting out of the four walls where Beau and my therapist both shattered my trust.
I’d flown down four flights of stairs before the rage within simmered and cooled. As it did, a new sensation rushed through me. The dank scent of cement filled my nose. The cold grey colour of the concrete overtook my mind. The hum of the fluorescent lights assaulted my ears.
An instant later, the stairwell wasn’t a stairwell anymore. It was a cold dungeon. The flashback only lasted a second, but even that was too long. I missed a step and slipped down half a flight of stairs. My newly healed ankle twisted roughly as I landed, sending a spike of pain shooting from my heel to my nape.
I crashed into the wall at the bottom of the flight of stairs and then I was back in the past again. I could feel hands that weren’t there anymore shoving against the base of my spine. The body of someone now long dead pressed against my arse.
Then there was nothing.
I fell to the ground and pulled my legs into my chest. Sobs overtook me again and I wanted to scream. I wanted to be angry, to shove and have the fire to carry me down the rest of the stairs, but I had nothing left.
Wrapping my arms around my head, I pulled myself into as small a ball as I could and hid in the corner.
I had no idea how long I’d stayed in the stairwell before I heard Mum’s voice.
“Phoebe!” she screamed my name. The fear in her tone wrapped around my heart and drew a fresh sob from me. The sound of her shoes slapping against the stairs as she ran down to me echoed through the space.
She didn’t stop when she hit the flight I was on, rushing straight to me and pulling me into her arms. “Thank God,” she whispered against my hair. “Oh, thank God.”
The words slipped from her over and over. Her hold on me, so tight that I thought she’d never let me go, made my heart race and my skin crawl, so I pulled away. At first, she wouldn’t let me go but when I struggled again, she dropped her hold with an apology on her lips.
“Why did you run off like that?” Mum asked.
My response was just to wrap my arms around myself and lean against the wall. How could I tell her the thoughts all circling in my head and driving me insane? Especially when she was talking to Beau too. Why was it so easy for everyone else to talk to him? And why did it feel like a bigger effort for me to talk to him than to talk to anyone else—except maybe Angel? At least, it was an effort after I stopped talking to him. While I was at his side, it had been . . . effortless. And that scared the hell out of me more than anything.
“It doesn’t matter,” she said, almost to herself. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head. “I hurt my ankle.”
“I’ll help you down the stairs if you’ll let me?”
“Where’s Nikki?”
“She’s in the lobby.”
“You left her there alone?” It didn’t make sense. No matter how worried Mum was about me, she wouldn’t have left Nikki alone, would she?
She shook her head. “Beau’s with her.”
The pressure around my heart increased. Not only was Mum talking to Beau, she was willing to let him watch Nikki for her. Looking after any of her children was the ultimate trust she could put in any person—especially Nikki, who’d been sickly as a baby.
I wrapped my arm around Mum’s shoulders and limped down the stairs. When we reached the bottom of the staircase, I stopped.
“What is it?” Mum asked when I refused to take another step.
“I can’t face him again. Not now.”
Her frown was almost ever-present lately, and at my words, her brow furrowed deeper.
“I just can’t.” It wasn’t an explanation, but a plea for her to understand.
“Are you going to be okay here? I’ll go get Nikki and then we can go back to the car.”
“I’ll be fine.” It was preferable to having to see the concern etched on Mum’s face present on his as well.
“Are you sure?”
“I said I’ll be fine,” I snapped.
She nodded and then headed through the door. Despite what I’d said, the second I was alone in the space, my mind started to race. I limped over to the door and ripped it open. My eyes met Beau’s, who was talking to Mum. His gaze cut to the floor and he nodded at something she’d said.
The look of devastation that crossed his face was exactly what I’d been hoping to avoid. I found my way to the sofas that filled the lobby and pulled myself onto one so I didn’t have to face him.
Nikki fussed in Mum’s arms until Mum’s gaze followed the direction of Nikki’s flailing, only to spot me. Then she put Nikki on the floor to come over to me.
Nikki toddled her way across the lobby and climbed up onto the sofa in front of me with her hands raised. She was the one person I could allow to hold me without question. She stood for innocence and sweetness, and all the things stolen away from me. Even she made me hurt inside though. When I’d first left for the States, she’d just turned twelve months old and hadn’t long started crawling. Now, she was walking and well on her way to properly talking.
So many changes and I’d missed every one.
“You don’t care that I’m broken, do you, baby gir
l?” I asked as I pulled her into my lap. She was probably the one person at home I could be totally honest with because it was largely just noise to her. Sure she knew some words, but she didn’t understand the implications of everything happening.
“Fee-fee sad?”
“Yeah, I’m a little sad, kiddo.” Even as I said it, fresh tears welled in my eyes. “I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t and can’t see a time I won’t be.”
“Don’ cry.” She leant her head against my chest and gave me the best cuddle she could.
“I wish it was that easy,” I murmured.
“Are you ready to get out of here?” Mum lifted Nikki out of my lap as she asked the question.
Trying not to let Mum see, I glanced around the lobby to see if Beau was still lurking.
“He’s gone. He wanted me to tell you that he understands. He never meant to overwhelm you.”
“The world overwhelms me,” I admitted. “And I can’t see that changing.”
“It might be easier if you share your load from time to time.”
Instead of responding, I lifted my hand so she could help me up. With Nikki balanced on one hip and me leaning on her other shoulder, Mum headed for the car.
“We’re running a little late,” she said as she fumbled for her keys. “So I’m afraid you’re going to have to come on the school run with me.”
Fuck.
MUM PULLED UP in front of the primary school and Parker jumped into the back seat. He made a comment about me being in the car as I slumped down, trying not to be seen as I felt the gaze of all the people around. Once he was settled in and had his seat belt on, Mum drove up the road to the high school to meet Beth and Brock.
Brock stood near the front gate, chatting to a friend. Without looking at the car, he moved toward my door—no doubt used to climbing in the front seat. When he yanked open the door, he sneered at me. “What are you doing here? Did you finally manage to leave the house for once without going to crazy town?”
After the day I’d had, I was less in the mood for his shit than ever. “Piss off, Brock.”
He slammed the door in my face before following Beth into the back seat a moment later.
“Brock, apologise to your sister,” Mum said as he reached for his seat belt.
“I’m sorry.” There wasn’t a single part of his apology that was sincere. “That you’re a freak,” he muttered under his breath.
Mum closed her eyes and breathed deeply. When she opened her eyes again, they were filled with pain. Brock and I had always had our moments, but through it all family was the number one priority. Since everything went down the way it had, there was a divide between us all. Or at least, between all of them and me.
And it was all my fault. I spun in the seat so I could stare out the passenger window before drawing my legs up onto the seat. I wanted to apologise to Mum, to try to bridge the gulf in some small way, but I didn’t know how to start. There were bigger things happening and I couldn’t deal with any of them.
The tension in the front of the car was palpable, but in the back seat, the rest of the kids were business as usual. Beth sat talking about her day, Nikki garbled on in between, and Parker watched as Brock played games on his phone.
A few times I looked over and Mum appeared to be fighting away tears. Once again, I wondered whether it would’ve been better if I’d let Xavier and his knife finish the job. She’d have been free to move on without me crushing her and dragging her down into the pain I lived in every day. I pressed my hand against the space just above my heart where he’d carved the start of his name. The place where the scars would always tell the tale of my kidnapping.
The trip home took far longer than I would’ve liked and by the time we arrived, I was exhausted. I waited until everyone else was out of the car and then snuck straight up to my bedroom.
It was hours later before hunger finally drove me out. All my siblings were already in bed. For all I knew, Mum and Dad were too. It was the perfect time for a kitchen raid, considering I hadn’t eaten since breakfast.
“I just don’t know what to do anymore.” I froze at the sound of Mum’s voice. “I don’t know how to reach her, Dec.” She sobbed. “I just want my daughter back. I hurt for her.”
There was no reply from Dad, so I guessed he was comforting her non-verbally. Even though I should’ve turned around and walked away, I couldn’t. A part of me was morbidly curious to hear what everyone said about me when I wasn’t around. After all, Mum and Beau would hardly have any other conversation topics to discuss.
I hid around the corner, listening. “When she disappeared today . . . my God, I thought the worst.” Mum’s voice was full of tears. “I just can’t imagine losing her again. If it wasn’t for Beau, I would’ve gone insane trying to find her.”
“He’s a good guy.”
“If he isn’t perfect for her, I don’t know who is. He’s exactly the sort of guy I’d want her to end up with, and it’s just so messed up that he has to deal with this. Especially when she keeps pushing him away.”
“I know, Lys. You should have seen him back in the States. He was practically killing himself trying to get her back, trying to keep the team going, helping me out even though I basically accused him of the worst things. The look of utter devastation when I had to tell him she didn’t want to see him . . . Fuck. If I never have to see that expression again it’ll be too soon.”
I looked to the ceiling and pressed my tongue to the top of my mouth to stop my tears. When we were still in North Carolina, Dad had begged me to talk to Beau—to see him at least once—but how could I have? I was already wounded and raw and didn’t know how to look at him when the knowledge that I’d lost his baby burned through me. How could I have faced him—seen the disappointment in his eyes—and survived? How could I have even begun to tell him all the other things I’d done?
And yet, by refusing to see him, I’d caused him pain. Was that my destiny from now until the end? To inflict maximum pain and damage on the ones I loved?
“I’ve wanted to tell him to give up so many times,” Mum said. “He looks so miserable all the time, pining away from a distance, and every time he’s called just to make sure she’s still here, it breaks my heart. It’s like he’s terrified of her disappearing again.” She released an audible sob. “But you should have seen it today. He got her to laugh, Dec. A genuine laugh. That’s more than we’ve been able to do in months. Despite the way things went down after that, I really believe he’s good for her. Better than we are, even though I hate to admit it. He can reach her in ways we can’t. Like the car. I don’t know if I would’ve thought of that. I would’ve said she was too far gone to try it.”
“I know.”
“What if after all of this he gives up?”
“He won’t,” Dad said. There was a certainty in his tone that I didn’t understand.
“How do you know?”
“Because if that was you buried in your own nightmares, I would do everything in my power to help you. I would never give up. I believe he cares for her at least as much, or I wouldn’t entertain his ideas of hanging around here.”
Their quiet murmuring stopped as Mum’s sobs grew louder. I didn’t have to risk a glance around the corner to know that Dad would have bundled her into his arms. When I closed my eyes, I could picture them. Dad at the table with Mum in his lap. Her head would be on his shoulder and their arms would be wrapped around one another. Dad’s hand would rest across her stomach. They’d be supporting each other, the way only they could.
Dad was in pain because Mum was in agony. And her tears were all because of me.
I hated myself.
I was so fucking selfish.
Everything had been about me. About my pain. About my suffering. It wasn’t that I didn’t know everyone else hurt too, but I hadn’t had the energy to give to anyone else. Today was the first time I’d spent any time truly listening to how it had affected other people, and even that had sent me into a fresh
tailspin.
I sank to the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs before letting my head fall onto my knees. While I wrapped myself into a ball, I considered what Mum had said. Surely it hadn’t actually been the first time I’d laughed. Had it?
Only, she’d know better than I would. Mum and Dad were the keepers of my every movement, plotting my progress on some chart in their minds and noticing every tiny improvement or backslide.
If I was honest with myself, being around Beau on the footpath hadn’t been as hard as the first time I’d seen him. It was easier than I’d expected it to be. Sure things had become harder again when I let my head—my lack of trust—govern my decision for a while, but before that . . . When I’d given myself over to my heart. Well, that had been almost effortless.
Maybe he could have a part to play in my healing if I let him in. Part of me resisted, arguing that I shouldn’t try to bring him into the darkness that filled my world. He didn’t deserve it. There were a thousand other women out there better suited to him than the new me. But in my heart I knew the truth—he was already in it. Already as deep as he could go and maybe, just maybe, we could offer a ray of light to one another.
I checked the clock on my phone. It was a little after nine. Too late for a social phone call. And yet, I felt like if I didn’t pluck up the courage then, I might never do it.
I did my best to cast off the fears that had surrounded me like an unwanted cloak and lifted myself up off the floor. Making enough noise to give them warning that someone was approaching, I moved out to meet Mum and Dad. When I came nearer to them, Mum had wiped away her tears, but she couldn’t hide her red and puffy eyes. She grabbed Dad’s hands, drawing them away from her stomach and hips as though the distance between them would take my attention away from the things I couldn’t talk to her about.
My mobile phone was still in my hand, but I couldn’t find the words to ask for what I needed.
“What is it, baby girl?” Dad asked.
“Do-do you have, umm, do-you-have-Beau’s-number?” The words ran together when I tried to force them out.
Physis (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #4) Page 6