I nodded against his chest, certain this was the moment he was going to say that he couldn’t cope with my admissions. That he was going to leave. Just like Mum worried he would.
“I know ya ain’t got much to give, darlin’, but you’ve been tryin’ ta give me what you can. I can see it, and it means more to me than I can say. Whatever happens, whatever you want to do, I’m gonna be whatever ya want me to be. Friend. Boyfriend. More. It’s your choice, darlin’. Always your choice.”
“I want to choose you, Beau. I just don’t know if I can.”
“I’m not askin’ ya to make any decision now.” He held his hand up, requesting permission to touch me. When I nodded, he brushed his fingers through my hair and held my cheek. “Just know I’m only ever a phone call away. No matter how hard ya push me away, I’ll always come back if ya want me to.”
I wanted to hide from him. His words were too raw. They pierced too deep. “I want to believe that.”
“It’s true. Even if we’re just friends, Phoebe, I ain’t gonna turn my back on ya. All ya have to do is let me in, and tell me when it’s too much.”
The way he looked at me stopped my breath. Time stood still; just like it had the first night we met. I wanted to melt into him, to let the past disappear and push forward into the future, but wanting that and being able to do it were two different things. “I’ll try.”
The smile that lit his face was breathtaking. It swept months of care off his face and made him appear to breathe easier. For a moment, I thought he was going to sweep me up in his arms as his joy overtook him—joy over something so simple as a promise to try—but he stopped himself and let go of me instead.
“I-I think I need you to leave now, though,” I admitted. It had all been too much for me. I needed space.
With the smile still firm on his lips, he nodded. “Course, darlin’. Ya know where I am if ya need me.”
“When,” I assured him in the small concession I could give him. “It’ll be when I need you.”
He stepped forward and, after waiting for permission, pressed his lips against my forehead. “I’ll let myself out so that ya don’t have to.”
“Thank you.”
The instant he’d left the room, I made my way to my bed and curled up under the blankets. There was so much that was uncertain, but with the way things were between Beau and me now, it gave me a glimmer of hope for a different future.
IT WAS FIVE days before I called Beau again.
Mum and Dad had headed off to take the rest of my siblings to Nana Reede’s house for a family barbeque. Apparently the whole crowd was going to be there, including Nana and Pop, Aunty Rose, Uncle Josh, and their son, Noah, as well as Uncle Flynn and Luke. I opted out because it was too much for me—too many people in the one place. That left me alone at home feeling like shit for not being able to celebrate Dad’s and Brock’s birthdays.
After an hour alone, I called Beau. In the time since our last conversation, my doubts and fears had crept up on me again. Even though he’d said all I needed to do was call, I started to wonder whether he’d really meant it. Whether the time since I’d all but kicked him out had given him a chance to think and decide to run back to the States.
“Darlin’, ya don’t know how good it is to hear your voice.”
“Do you think you’d be able to come around?”
“Course. I told ya already, all ya gotta do is ask.”
“Thank you.” I was about to hang up when another thought struck me. “I should probably let you know that I’m here alone, and I don’t know how I’m going to be by the time you get here.”
“Are ya tryin’ ta say that if there’s no answer it ain’t personal?”
“Exactly.”
“Why don’t I bring some pizza and a movie ’round?”
“No!” I practically screamed the word. He couldn’t have known why, and I couldn’t explain it to him over the phone either. “Just bring yourself.”
“’Kay, darlin’, if you’re sure.”
“I’m sure.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
I hung up the phone and then sat on the couch to wait for Beau. Unlike the last time I’d called him over, he took a while to arrive. By the time he knocked on the door, I was starting to wonder whether he’d decided not to come after all.
The wait had taken me from anxious through to pissed and back again, so I rushed straight to the door and threw it open. “What took you so—”
He had a grocery bag slung over one arm and a bunch of flowers in his other hand.
I froze.
“Hi, beautiful, I’ve come for our date.”
“Darlin’?”
“I brought a movie for us to watch together.”
I couldn’t breathe.
“I told you I could be your new best friend, didn’t I? You don’t need anyone else in your life anymore. You don’t need anyone but me, do you?”
Tears sprung to my eyes.
“Dawson?”
“I—I can’t do this.” I reached for the door and slammed it hard before spinning to lean against it while my memories assaulted me. Even though everything Bee had done had been hideous, at least I knew what I was getting with him. I didn’t like what I was getting, but I knew what to expect.
With Xavier, it was like I saw a different guy every time he came to me. He’d go from sweet to psychotic in a heartbeat. If I played along with his sick fantasies that we hadn’t broken up and did what he asked, I could usually escape his visits unscathed.
If I didn’t—or if he’d spoken to Beau that day—I’d endure his “loving” fists. He believed it was his responsibility as my “future husband” to bring me into line. To stop me from swearing and make me obedient.
“Dawson, would you like me to leave?” Beau’s voice was muffled by the door between us, but he didn’t shout to be heard through it.
“Yes. No. I, uh, I don’t know.” I spent a moment trying to steady my breaths. “Can you get rid of the flowers?”
“What flowers?”
I frowned and pushed myself back onto my feet.
“What do you mean . . .?” I trailed off as I pulled open the door. Beau was standing there with his arms empty. Despite the situation, I couldn’t help but chuckle as I raised one brow at him. The plastic from the flowers poked out of the garden near the front door.
“Sorry,” he said. “Now I know—no flowers. Are s’mores okay though?”
“S’mores?”
He ducked down and grabbed the plastic bag that had been slung on his arm the first time I’d opened the door. “I just happen to have one last box o’ Graham crackers from home, and I’d like to share it with you if ya wanted a taste of our ol’ times.”
Even I couldn’t deny the effort he was going to or the effect it had on lighting up the dark places of my heart.
“I’d love to, but we don’t have a fire. We don’t really need one here in Queensland, and even if we had the pit there’s a total fire ban anyway.”
“Have ya got a gas stove?”
“Yeah. And the burners on the stovetop are all gas too.”
He grinned. “Then we got the fire we need. May I come in?”
His words reminded me I was still standing in the doorway blocking his entrance to the house. “Yeah, uh, of course.”
I stepped to the side and he made his way into the house. Less than fifteen minutes later, he slipped a plate containing three s’mores onto the table in front of me.
“Not quite fire pit quality, but they shouldn’t be too bad.”
My stomach was twisting, but not with hunger. Still, I picked one up and nibbled on the edge.
“Good?” He looked so earnest, so desperate for a positive response that I had to answer him.
“Not bad.”
“No s’mores are ever as good as your first. And nothin’ beats campfire heated.”
An influx of memories filled my mind and I ducked my head and blushed as I recalled my first taste of s�
�mores. A devilish glint lit Beau’s gaze. It was enough to twist my stomach.
I drew away from him and dropped the treat back onto the plate. “Did you bring these because you wanted to get lucky?”
The smile that had lingered on his lips since he’d shown me the ingredients for the s’mores fell away. “No, darlin’, I just wanted to make ya smile. Remind ya of the good times we had to try to give you somethin’ positive to think on.”
I frowned at him.
“I swear, I had only honest intentions.” The hurt reflecting back at me demonstrated his sincerity.
“I’m sorry. I guess my social graces aren’t very graceful anymore.”
Leaving his plate on the table, he moved to my feet. He kneeled in front of me and reached his hands up for mine. With the sorrowful expression on his face, I couldn’t deny him the innocent touch.
He wrapped his fingers through mine and placed our joined hands in my lap. Then he rested his forehead on the back of my hands and spoke into my lap. “I can’t deny I still want ya that way, but I know that it ain’t in the cards. And I’m okay with that. This thin’ between us, whatever it’s gonna be, it ain’t always gonna be easy to navigate, but I want it, I want you, more ’an anythin’ else. But I need ya to know I ain’t ever gonna push ya, ’kay? I need ya to believe that, even if ya can’t trust me yet.”
I fought one of my hands free—not that Beau offered any resistance—and brushed the hair around his ear with tender strokes. “Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Being so goddamned sweet and supportive. It makes it harder for me to trust you.”
He lifted his head so we were staring into each other’s eyes. “Would it be easier for you if I was an asshole?”
I laughed at his use of a curse word and brushed my fingers through his hair. “This whole thing has changed you a lot too, hasn’t it?”
“Like ya wouldn’t believe. For starters, it’s made me realise how much I care for you.”
“How? You barely know me. I mean, you didn’t really know who I was before, and now I don’t even know me anymore.”
“I tol’ ya before, darlin’, these feelin’s we have don’t know nothin’ of knowledge. ’Sides, I do know ya. I can see how hard you’re tryin’ ta fight through the walls ’round your heart even as ya construct them ag’in. I just wanna be the one on the other side of those walls, waitin’ for ya whenever you realise there’s a gate you can open, even for a little while.”
“See. It’s things like that which make this so hard. It makes me want to let you all the way in, but I don’t know how.”
“Ya don’t need to do anythin’.” He reached up with his hand, and when I nodded that it was okay, cupped it over my hair. “Just let me be here for ya, the rest will work itself out when it needs to.”
“I’m trying,” I whispered.
“I know, darlin’. I know.” He stood and, taking care to signal his intentions, kissed my forehead. “Now for the moment, let’s forget about all of this. I believe ya still owe me a race.” He moved away, and I wasn’t sure what he was planning until he held up the case for the latest Forza game. He must have brought it with him because it wasn’t one we had already.
I frowned as I nodded toward the game. “Where’d you get that?”
“It’s a birthday present for your brother.”
“Are you trying to get on my good side by sucking up to my family?”
He chuckled. “I ain’t gonna refuse any benefit if it worked.”
“I’m not sure if it did.” It had, I just couldn’t admit that to him. That he’d even remember Brock’s birthday—something I’d only mentioned in passing during the days we’d spent together after Abby’s death—was a testament to his promises.
“Well, what d’ya say? It ain’t no kart, but I think I can still give ya a run for your money.”
“Oh, you are on, cowboy!” The words left before I could think about it, and they even took me by surprise.
Although Beau’s eyes widened and his breath caught for a second, he didn’t mention the spark again. Instead, he moved to the TV cabinet to put the game into the Xbox.
While he was busy with that, I shifted from the table to the couch. It took a bigger effort than it should have, but I couldn’t back away from the challenge of winning against him one more time.
He grabbed both the controllers and passed one to me before sitting on the couch to my side—just far enough away that we weren’t touching. With an indrawn breath and courage from somewhere I’d thought had long dried up, I shifted slightly so our thighs were flush against one another’s.
The sensation was almost enough to send me running, but as Beau’s gaze shifted from the controller, passed the place where our thighs connected, and then up to my eyes, I froze.
The reassuring smile he offered made him look younger and more carefree than I had seen him since the night we’d reunited in Georgia.
“Shall we?” He wiggled his controller.
I raised one brow in challenge. “So you’re ready to get schooled?”
He winked. “Bring it on.”
OUR BEST two out of three had become the best three out of five when Beau had lost our first race. We were evened up on the next race before he edged ahead on the third. Most of the afternoon, we’d been trading each other practically race for race. Eventually, our friendly competition had gone out the window and we just took each race as it came.
My family returned almost two hours later to find Beau and me still on the couch racing each other on Forza. My siblings all rushed in and disappeared into their bedrooms.
It was only when I spotted the look of shocked awe on Mum’s face that I realised that I was actually socialising.
I was even having fun. My body locked in place while that thought raced through me.
Mum’s lips curled up into a smile wider than any I’d seen since I returned home from the States and my mouth twitched up in response. I was happy she was happy. It should have been the simplest of things—spending the afternoon with the guy I liked—but it was clearly wrapped in so much hope and relief for her, I doubted I’d ever really understand.
“I hope you don’t mind that I invited Beau over?” I asked. “I—I got lonely.”
I had to admit it’d felt natural to be with Beau again. Like breathing. It was like he’d reached deep inside and rescued tiny parts of myself that I’d thought were lost forever. It wasn’t a permanent fix, but it’d been a much-needed relief.
“Not at all,” Dad said before nudging Mum’s shoulder.
Mum shook herself out of her stupor and added, “Of course not. Beau, would you like to stay for dinner?”
He didn’t answer, and when I glanced at him to find out why, I saw it was because he was waiting for me.
My choice.
“It’s up to you,” I said, passing the choice back to him. I would live with his decision either way. In truth, I didn’t know whether I wanted him to stay or go. Dealing with him one-on-one was one thing, having to be part of the family again for the evening just so I didn’t ignore him was something entirely different.
“In that case, I’d love to, ma’am,” he said, addressing Mum.
“Lys. Please.”
“Course, Lys.”
I turned back toward the TV and sank down into the couch.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Closing my eyes, I nodded.
“I can go if you’d prefer?”
I spun in the seat to face him. “No, it’s not that. It’s just . . . it’s been so long since I’ve shared the dinner table with everyone.”
He reached for me, watching my reactions as he moved. I closed my eyes as his hand traced through the ends of my hair. He leant closer to me, whispering in my ear as he said, “Then I’m sure they’ve all missed ya.”
“Maybe.”
He pulled back. “There ain’t no maybe, darlin’. You don’t see how much light ya give, do ya?”
“It’s like Angel said”—I flinched as he said her name—“back in Georgia. You’re like the sun, and that’s why everyone loves ya.”
“Well, there’s a fucking eclipse going on now, isn’t there?”
He placed his hand in his lap, palm upturned. “It’s just clouds. And even the densest cloud allows a li’l sunshine through from time to time.”
I turned my head and buried my face against his neck so he wouldn’t see the tears forming.
I drew away from Beau as Parker came back out from wherever he’d disappeared to, and sat beside me. “What are you playing?”
“We’re racin’,” Beau said. “Did ya wanna go? Your sister is too good for me.”
“I’m no good at these games,” Parker said. “Pheebs tried to show me, but I suck at them.”
“Maybe Beau can show you a different way?” I suggested.
Parker glanced up at me in awe, as though I’d just granted him the keys to the kingdom.
Beth came and sat at my feet. “If Parker’s gonna race with Beau, can I race with you, sissy?”
“We’re not really—” I stopped when she stuck her bottom lip out. “Uh, okay, sure.”
We spent the next hour before dinner playing a few more races. Before long, Beau and I had handed control over to the other two. He silently offered me his hand, no doubt realising how close I was to my limit.
“Are ya doin’ okay?” he asked after another couple more minutes.
I nodded. It wasn’t easy, but sitting like that, with my brother and sister at my feet battling each other on Xbox, was the closest I’d been to normal in the longest time. Keeping our hands linked, I leant across to rest my head on his shoulder.
He rested his cheek against the top of my head.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mum watching us. I turned to look at her and she realised she’d been spotted. She gave me a grin and I actually felt a warmth inside. She called us all over to the table, letting me have a seat with only Beau at my side.
Physis (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #4) Page 9