by Unknown
I was still pressed against the desk panting when I heard the shower come on. What the hell is he doing to me?! I longed to take a nice hot shower, but I was too damned scared to go into the bathroom. I was barely standing on stable legs already as a result of his voracity and I was certain if I stepped my naked body into the shower, he would surely greet me with more of the same. I had never climaxed so much in one night… EVER! Over the past two days, I had literally lost count. I was far from inexperience. Hell, typically in the bedroom I took the lead but this man, had me strung out in a matter of hours. Even now on my wobbly legs for every ounce of me that feared his touch, an equal amount craved it. He awakened my body in a way that made me feel as though I had been dead before. It wasn’t until a day ago that I had ever felt alive. Mike brought out things in me that I had never experienced or dared to feel. I couldn’t lie and say that his rough sex didn’t turn me on. Actually it drove me crazy. He had drowned me in a sea of passion and I never wanted to breathe again.
I felt like was losing control and it was all that I wanted. I had never known the feeling of not being in control of myself or others and for the first time, someone other than one of my friends wasn’t afraid to not only stand up to me but also put me in my place if necessary. It wasn’t just about the sex. Even in our conversation, he’d let me go on a tirade and then calmly checked me. The craziest part was that I had let him. Maybe this is just the remnant effects of afterglow.
I was still standing there leaning against the desk when Mike came out of the bathroom, a billow of steam behind him. I could see the droplets of water that still rested on his shoulders as they caught light from the vanity. His towel was wrapped snuggly around the divots at his waist. I perused his body absent-mindedly with my eyes and he cocked his head to the side quizzically. “You ok? You need some help with something?” Seduction marinated every word. I promptly shook my head, grabbed my night shirt and made a beeline for the bathroom directly in Mike’s path.
“I’m just gonna take a quick shower.” I mumbled. Mike grabbed me gently by the waist as I tried to whiz by.
“Hey, you ok?” He pulled me in close. “Seriously, is everything alright?” Mike looked down into my eyes with genuine concern. Truth be told I was petrified. As much as I wanted the feelings he gave me, I knew I shouldn’t have. I had betrayed a perfectly good man to be with a man about whom I knew little more than the fact that he made me feel alive. It was reckless and I knew it but it felt beyond my control. Something was pulling me to Mike from within and it was growing stronger with every second we shared the same space. I knew I needed to distance myself but couldn’t tear myself away. The mix of guilt and fear became more than I could take and as he stood there holding me, I felt the familiar desire to run. I wanted to say something evasive to keep from welling with the emotions brimming beneath the surface but when I opened my mouth my heart came out.
“I’ve never felt this way before and I don’t know what to do about it.” It had been longer than I could remember since I’d been this vulnerable. I had let him know he had me right where he wanted me and I stopped breathing. Time stopped ticking. The earth stopped moving as I waited for his response. I searched his face for some inkling of what he was thinking but saw no trace of reciprocity. He still hadn’t said a word and now I felt like a complete fool. I tried to pull away from his grasp and he pulled me in closer. He pressed my naked frame into his chest.
“You don’t have to do anything. Just be. Be here with me in this moment and be true to yourself. Whatever that may mean for us, I can accept it as long as it’s what’s right for you. Be true to your heart Erin. That’s all.” He stroked my hair and I instantly thought of Josh. Tears rolled from my eyes onto Mike’s chest. What kind of person am I? How could I do this to Josh when all he had done was care for me? It was clear that old habits die hard. I had betrayed Josh like I’d done many others. The difference was, he hadn’t done anything to make me think he deserved it. He had never once given me cause to question his motives or sincerity and I had squandered his affection for my own personal gains. I knew I didn’t have the right to cry. I had created this mess but still the tears came.
Without knowing the source of my sadness, Mike guided me into the bathroom and placed me in the shower. We shared no words as he bathed my body and washed my hair. It was as though he was trying to undo what had been done because he could see how conflicted I was. Mike dried my body, handed me my gown and waited patiently while I put it on before he lifted me from the shower and carried me to the bed. I settled beneath the covers and I felt his frame wrap around mine. “I didn’t plan for any of this to happen, Erin, and the last thing I want to do is complicate your life. I’ll give you whatever time and space you need to decide where you want this to go. If yesterday and today is all we ever have, I’ll accept it because until two days ago I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.” I could feel Mike’s fingers stroking my bare shoulder and I nuzzled deeper into him. His massive arms embraced me and I relaxed at his touch.
“I didn’t expect this either, Mike, and I don’t know what happens next but tonight, I just want you to hold me in your arms.”
“Goodnight Erin,” he said softly into my damp curls.
“Goodnight Mike.” For that moment I willed myself not to think of anything else but here and now. I couldn’t change what happened and I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to. I wasn’t sure how I would handle things with Josh or what would happen with me and Mike but I knew one thing, tonight, in Mike’s arms was exactly where I wanted to be.
*****
The sound of the alarm on Mike’s phone was beyond belligerent. Actually, it was downright disrespectful to the peaceful slumber I had finally found somewhere around 4a.m. Mike leapt over to the desk across the room and silenced the nuisance as I recoiled beneath the covers in response to the harsh light of the desk lamp. I could hear him rummaging through his suitcase. Then there was the sound of the zipper on his toiletry bag. When he finally made his way to the bathroom, I could hear his singing above the running water and the hum of his electric toothbrush. Oh great! He’s a morning person! I shoved my head beneath the fluffy pillow and hoped it was soundproof. Needless to say, though it muffled the sounds in the room, there was no effect on the monologue in my head. I had maintained a steady back and forth of bliss and blame before I fell asleep and now, the thoughts picked up right where they’d left off. How could I do this to Joshua? Why wasn’t he enough? Then again, what if I just chose Joshua because I thought Mike wasn’t an option? Didn’t our being here together in this time and place mean something? What if we were truly meant to be together and I made the wrong choice with Josh? I tossed back the covers and flung the pillow across the bed. With only an hour of sleep under my belt, I knew I was destined to crash and burn at some point during the day but there would be no rest for me right now. I walked around the corner toward the bathroom and peeked in at Mike’s reflection in the mirror. I watched him as he made smooth, even strokes down his face with the razor. Thoughts of our early-morning tryst and falling asleep in his arms trickled into my mind and the warmth in my heart shown on my face as my mouth curved into a smile. He had been so gentle and understanding as he held me while I cried throughout the night. His tenderness had been a surprising contrast to his rough and passionate nature before I fell apart. I was torn in two now. What I thought was just a lustful desire was quickly developing into something else. I couldn’t explain how or why but everything with Mike just felt … right. He had a commanding presence that pulled me into him in ways Josh never had. I wanted him to dominate me. I craved it and he had more passion in just a glance in my direction than Josh had even in the midst of us making love. Something was off with him and I couldn’t put my finger on it but as much as I loved Josh and in my mind, and even parts of my heart, wanted to be with him, something was missing. Sadness began to weave its way into already tangled emotions as I stood there staring at Mike. This was it. He was leaving and I had no idea
what would happen after he walked out the door.
Mike kissed my cheek casually as he walked by and tosses his things in his suitcase. My heart sank as he rolled his bags in my direction. I wanted to block the door and tell him to stay one more day. If this was all we had, then we could have it for just one more day. The rise and fall of my chest quickened as he stepped in front of me.
Mike gazed affectionately into my eyes that were now brimming with tears. “I’ll wait to hear from you… No pressure though, alright? You do whatever you believe is best for you Erin. I mean that.” His stare was steeped in intensity; as if he was looking beyond my eyes and speaking directly to my heart. I leaned in and embraced him tightly. He had relieved me with his words. I knew now that no matter what happened, we would be ok even if there was never an “us.”
“Ok.” I murmured into his chest. “I’d kiss you but I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.” I heard the rumble of Mike’s laughter against my ear as he squeezed me tightly before pulling me back to examine my face again. He cocked his head slightly and smiled before planting one soft, lingering his against my lips and another on my forehead before he walked out the door.
Just as I closed the door the phone rang. I grabbed it off the nightstand and viewed the screen as it flashed Josh’s name. I hit ignore and tossed it on the bed. I wasn’t willing to try and lie to Josh but I wasn’t ready to tell him the truth either. I flopped down on the bed and accepted that I was officially wide awake. The gym was exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed to burn of this anxious energy and hopefully de-clutter the jumbled thoughts in my mind. I grabbed black yoga pants from my bag and slid into a matching black sports bra. Room key and phone in hand, I made my way to the elevator.
The gym was tranquil. It was virtually empty save a few elderly folks on the exercise bike and treadmill. I could tell they were a couple. They bantered back and forth from their respective machines. I smiled at each of them politely as I grabbed a yoga mat and found a discreet corner. I tucked my legs beneath me, closed my eyes and searched for my center between slow, deep breaths. Inhale … Exhale … Inhale … Exhale … Each breath took me further away from my physical space and closer to my spirit. I pressed through guilt and peeled away shame. I tossed aside confusion and discontent until all that was left was the essence of me. What I found there was beyond anything I could have fathomed. What I saw was sad and broken. Where there should have been light, there was a murky, dim space. I opened my eyes slowly and although I was relaxed, I still felt an immense heaviness. I had been on the mat for forty-five minutes and though I hadn’t done a single yoga exercise, I was drained. Maybe the sauna is what I need. I stood slowly before walking in the direction of the sauna. My cell vibrated in my hand and a text from Amber popped up asking about meeting for breakfast at eight. I texted:
I’ll be down around eight thirty. In the gym.
I spent thirty minutes in the sauna hoping to feel the effects of some sort of detoxification but all I felt was dehydrated. I grabbed a couple of bottles of water from a side table as I left the gym and downed the first one before I made it to the exit. I tossed the first bottle and cracked the seal on the second as I pushed the elevator button.
In my room I stripped down and stepped in the shower. The small space wouldn’t feel the same for the remainder of my trip. Flashes of Mike came flooding back and it was all I could do to wash my body and dash out of the bathroom. Maybe some upbeat music will help. I pulled up Imagine Dragon’s Radioactive on my playlist and cranked up the volume as I put in my ear buds. I threw on another of the four maxi dresses I’d packed, slipped my feet into a pair of jewel adorned sandals and tossed the room key and phone into my purse. I tossed my loose ringlets of hair over my shoulder as closed the door and walked in the direction of the elevator. I was relieved to be on the other side of my hotel room walls. Every inch of the space now seemed to be saturated with Mike’s essence and it made it hard for me to breathe. A day full of activities was a welcome distraction from the debacle that had, almost instantly, become my life.
Today the girls and I planned to do some shopping at Fashion Show Mall, get a spa treatment and lounge by the pool until evening. We’d also agreed to get in one more Cirque Du Soleil show before we went home tomorrow. Home. I felt sick at the thought. So much had changed in just two days. I had no idea what I was going to do when I got back to Chicago. All I knew for sure was that I needed to make some profound changes and decisions about my life, my future and who I saw myself with in that future. Was I crazy to be considering the possibility of something more with Mike? I barely knew him and all I had to go on was a date and some incredible sex. In my reality, it wasn’t enough. Not to build a relationship on. In my day-to-day, the most he could be at this point was a guaranteed stress-free good time. But in my heart, there was … something. Mike had jarred me to life like the paddles of a defibrillator.
Then there was Josh. He had already carved out his place in my heart. I genuinely loved him and I knew he loved me. He’d been there to support and nurture me through some very challenging times. That should count for something. On paper it looked perfect. In reality it should have been but I couldn’t shake what I felt for Mike and until that time came, I knew I couldn’t give my all to Josh even if I wanted to. Josh had been good to me, and if nothing else, I owed him the respect of telling him the truth to see where we stood.
*****
When it was all said and done, Erin was exhausted and hadn’t had time to think of Josh, Mike or the question from her therapist. After the show, Erin told her friends she wanted to call it a night. She’d had her fill of gambling, drinking, clubbing, shopping and definitely walking!
I slid the keycard in the room door and felt nothing but heaviness as I crossed the threshold. I was sad that I wasn’t the person I’d always thought I was. Every day I went to work and did a job because I felt like it was making a difference. I had managed to be open enough to make a couple of friends who tolerated my distant, standoffish behavior without judgment and had even managed to meet two decent men who wanted nothing more than to be with me and make me happy. How had any of that managed to happen to me considering the fact that I was self-centered and self-serving? Hell, I was downright cold-hearted. When did I become this person? This is not who I am!
Emotions took over and I flopped down across the bed and cried. To say that I was confused would be an understatement. I was fucking bewildered. Everything I thought I wanted in my life now seemed wrong. Every decision I’d made thus far had gotten me to this place and now, here at this inevitable crossroads, I had no idea what to do to fix my life. One thing is for sure. Feeling sorry for yourself won’t change anything. You made this mess. You need to take responsibility for it and fix this raggedy shit! I composed myself and sat up in the bed. Nothing would be resolve by me sitting there feeling sorry for myself. I wiped the tears from my face and found the hotel notepad and pen to make a list of actions I could take to change my situation since I was so damned miserable. The to do list included:
Talk to Joshua (tell him the truth)
Talk to Mike (make a decision)
Continue therapy sessions
Take a leave of absence from work
Find and pursue your passion!!!
It was a small list that could potentially change the rest of my life and I knew it. I stared down at the list and paused at “Talk to Joshua.” He’d called me hours ago and I hadn’t sent him so much as a text in response. I grabbed my phone and noticed two additional missed calls along with a couple of texts. I dialed the voicemail and listened to the messages.
Message 1: “Erin, it’s Josh. I was just calling because I hadn’t heard from you and missed hearing your voice. Give me a call when you get this message. I hope you’re having a good time. Enjoy yourself and I’ll see you soon. Love you!”
Message 2: “Hey Erin, it’s me again. I haven’t heard from you and you didn’t call me back so I wanted to try again. I’m getting a little concer
ned so please call me when you get this message, okay? I love you!”
Message 3: “Ok, is there a reason you are not returning my calls? Did I do something wrong? Better yet, did you? Please call me so we can talk about whatever it is. I know you were upset when you left about what happened that morning. Just call me so we can talk about it. I’m ready to explain.”
After hearing his messages I wasn’t sure I wanted to call him back! After all, I’d be home tomorrow and we could hash everything out face-to-face. Then again, if we talked now we’d both have time to think about things and hopefully discuss them more calmly. While I mulled it over I checked my texts and beneath an unfamiliar Chicago number found a message that read:
Miss Erin, I just wanted to let you know I am back in Chicago and I’ll wait to hear from you. I know I said that once before and here I am sending you a message but I wanted you to know that I don’t take anything that happened this weekend lightly. I have a lot of feelings I can’t shake and don’t know if I want to. Maybe when you get back you could meet my son Adrian. That would guarantee all our activities would be kid friendly and involve us keeping our clothes on, lol! Seriously, I hope to hear from you SOON. Take care.
Mike
No pressure my ass. I tossed the phone on the bed. None of this was helping me clear my head. I decided to focus on something else for a while in the hope of clearing some mental space. I grabbed the notepad again and jotted down the question, “What would I have done with my life if my sister hadn’t died?” I struggled to think back to the time before my sister died. I had always loved art and music but never really got a chance to do much with it. I could remember teaching Emily how to paint by numbers and we used to sing together all the time. A warm smile spread across my face and I willed my tears to dissipate as I regained focus. This is about me, not me and Emily. I’d never even considered separating the two of us before. Since she had been born one had always been for the other and even when she died that didn’t change for me. I read the question again. The more I thought about it, I’d been into poetry and song writing too. That all seems like forever ago. Twenty-five years ago to be exact. Still, there were elements of art and music that moved me. When Emily died my dreams evaporated as more practical goals replaced them. Vindicating her death had become my focus. Who am I if I’m not practicing medicine? I was devastated to find that everything that remained was incomplete or broken. I’d spent my entire life working to become a surgeon and I had succeeded. I had the accolades and recognition to prove it. How could anyone just walk away from their own success? Furthermore, wouldn’t I be walking away from Emily? Everything I’d built had been in her honor. I didn’t give up on her when she was here and I don’t want to now that she’s gone. I laid the notepad on the nightstand. Dr. Stevenson is going to have to help me navigate my way through this. I don’t know how to let go.