by Unknown
When I came back out again I lingered again, but nothing. As I took my long exaggerated steps back to the bar, I scanned the crowd for his face but didn’t see him. I was just about to dismiss it all as my mind playing tricks on me when the buzz of my phone gave my breast a surprising jolt. I forgot I stuck that there. I thought as I pulled the phone from my bra. To my surprise the message was from Mike.
Hey Miss Erin! I saw you doin’ your thing up there! It was beautiful. You looked… carefree! I haven’t seen that side of you before; at least not dressed and standing upright, lol! If you ever decide you want to warm the mike again, you let me know. I’ll save a spot for you in the band. Enjoy the rest of your night.
I re-read the message and smirked at his play on words. Warm the mike, I thought. I’d like to set the mike on fire! That made me laugh aloud. I chuckled all the way back to the bar where the girls were still chattering about our performance.
“Ladies and gentlemen, Beyoncé,” Feliz exclaimed. They burst into a trio of applause and even the bartender joined in. I laughed and took a bow.
“Thank you guys so much for doing it with me. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. It was actually a lot of fun. I would do it again tonight!”
“Whoa, let’s not get carried away,” Angie replied abruptly. “I saw your friend in here cheering you on,” she leaned over and said in my ear. I could feel the heat rising in my neck and concentrated hard on not letting it show up in my face. Even though Angie didn’t know everything that happened, her comment made me feel exposed. I was doing my best to keep my mind off of Mike, but some force of nature kept pulling us together. Even though Mike’s existence is currently the only bright spot in my dismal personal life, right now I can’t afford to focus on anything but me. It made me sad to think about how different things had become in just a few short days. I resumed my original task of washing away the pain with a tequila shot. I downed it, slapped the glass down on the bar and scurried over to snag the table that had just become available. Angie, Amber and Feliz followed me over and they all scooted in close to me so we could hear each other over the booming music.
“So what gives, Erin,” Feliz asked. “What was the emergency that we all had to come out for on a Monday night?”
“Josh and I broke up today.” Before I could continue Amber exclaimed,
“What?!! Why?!! You two were doing so well!”
“Amber, how the hell would you know? You’ve never even met him or seen us together! He could have been whooping my ass for all you know!”
“Oh no, was that happening?!” Amber interjected. I fought hard against the urge to roll my eyes, but Angie and Feliz didn’t.
“Anyway,” Angie said giving Amber a final side-eye before shifting her focus to me. “You two broke up. Does this have anything to do with our prior conversation?” I locked into an intense gaze with Angie and nodded slowly.
“Yes, it does.” I dragged out the phrase intentionally hoping Angie would get the hint.
I saw her eyes get wide and I knew she’d gotten my message. “Ohhh, ok. Well, damn! That’s too bad. What are you going to do now? Does all this have anything to do with you taking time off?” Angie already knew the answer, but I could tell she was trying to redirect the focus of our conversation before Amber and Feliz got to asking questions. They took the bait and perked up to hear my response.
“Actually, my leave of absence is about me. I’ve decided I want to try some new things and be more adventurous and just all-around more brave. I feel like my life has been very safe, straight and narrow—aside from my sexscapades of course. Anyway, I wouldn’t mind putting a few curves in this journey just to make the scenery more interesting, you know? This route 66 lifestyle has served its purpose and now it’s time for me to do something else.”
“Something else like what,” Amber asked just as I knew she would.
“Well, I’m not really sure yet so I’m trying different things to see what moves me… Like karaoke.”
“Is this sort of like a mid-life crisis or some kind of journey toward enlightenment thing,” Feliz asked, her brows knit together into an uncertain frown.
“Of course not!” I said through my laugh. “I’m not on a quest for youth. I am just taking time to see if life has more to offer than what I’ve done so far. I’ve been laser-focused on my career –so much so that I haven’t really tried to do anything else. I’m taking more of an ‘adventure break’ than a leave of absence, but that’s the formal term for it at work.” I chuckled as I scanned each of my friends’ faces. They didn’t believe one word of what I was saying!
“So you’ve scratched karaoke off the list. Now what,” Angie asked.
“Well, karaoke was more of a warm-up activity. I plan to work toward actually singing in front of a crowd for real sometime in the near future. I also plan to go skydiving and take an art class among other things.” Like maybe getting my life together. “I just want to have some fun and see what else may interest me besides medicine.”
“So you want to try some more artistic, ‘adventurous’ stuff to have more depth to yourself than just your job. I get it now!” I let out a sigh of relief. Finally, somebody gets it. I was running out of ways to explain without going too deeply into detail.
“I think that’s really cool Erin. I hope you find something you enjoy. I’ve always thought you were a really great doctor, but I never really thought you enjoyed it, you know? Like, some people love their jobs and enjoy what they do. You always seemed to me like you were all about the business of saving lives and doing your job well. I can tell you love kids, but it seems more like you work solely on their behalf, not because you like what you do.” Feliz was putting into words exactly what I’d been feeling. I was an advocate for my patients and helping them made me happy, but being a surgeon was not about my own personal joy. “Come to think of it, I’ve never really seen you getting any personal joy from it. It’s hard to explain, but I understand why you’re doing what you’re doing now.” Did she just read my mind? Now I stared at Feliz for two reasons. For one, she had literally taken the words right out of my head and two, this was probably the most words I’d ever heard her say since I’d known her.
“Thank you Feliz! You relayed exactly what I was trying to explain in one short summary. Add some depth and joy to my life, that’s exactly what I want to do!”
“Well, if it makes you feel better and you get what you truly want for yourself, I’m all for it!” Angie said as she lifted her glass. “Here’s to you Erin. I hope you find everything you’re looking for and finally get the happiness you deserve.” We clinked our shot glasses together and tossed them back.
“Thank you Angie. Your support means a lot. I hope you’ll all be as supportive when I call you to head out on an adventure or two with me.” I flashed them an impish grin and I glanced down at my phone on the table. “It’s getting pretty late and you ladies have to work tomorrow. I really appreciate you all coming out tonight and goofing off with me. I know you have families that need you. I’m glad to know I can count on you to still be there for me too. That means more to me than you know.” At that moment, I realized I had just taken one shot too many because the waterworks came without warning. My vision blurred as I looked around the table. Angie leaned over and wrapped her arms around me. “Stop that! You know you’re a part of our families too! We love you… Even if you are a blubbering drunk!” I laughed as tears came rolling down my face. I couldn’t believe I was sitting there crying in the middle of the bar like a lunatic. The thought of it made me laugh even harder. Angie grabbed me by the arm and helped me up from my chair. “Come on. Let’s get you out of here. Feliz, since we rode together, you follow me in Erin’s car.”
Chapter Thirteen
The last thing I remembered was leaving the bar. Now, as I pulled back the loose hair that covered my face, I could see I was at home on my living room sofa. My mouth felt like cotton and my breath still reeked of tequila. Thank God I don’t have anywh
ere to be until two o’clock! I tumbled off the sofa and took a second to regain my balance as I stood to my feet. The room wasn’t spinning, but it did seem to bob up and down every time I took a step. I took a brief break from my stride toward the kitchen and waited for the dizziness to subside. Must. Have. Coffee. Images of steam wafting from my favorite mug and thoughts of the aroma of Columbian brew filling my nostrils drove me forward. Dropping a bagel in the toaster and a K-cup in my Keurig, I leaned against the sink to wait. Right around the time I heard the final whoosh of the coffeemaker I heard the pop of the toaster. Perfect. I thought as I grabbed a jar of peach jelly from the fridge. I toted my warm, crispy bagel and steaming mug over to the kitchen table and flipped open my laptop. “Skydiving in Chicago.” I said as I typed the words in the search bar. My eyes skimmed through several links and found what seemed like a viable choice. I jotted down the number for future reference. I need to be sure they don’t try to throw my ass from a crop duster or something. I’ll call and schedule a site visit next week. If my life was going to be put at risk, it would definitely be on my terms.
Next I searched for beginner art classes in the area and found, a place close by that had great reviews and let you bring your own alcohol and snacks. Score! I scribbled down the info, took a sip of coffee and instantly burned the shit out of my tongue. Damn it! I winced in pain as I hopped up and grabbed a handful of ice chips from my freezer door. I dropped some in my coffee and tossed the rest in my mouth. I tossed the bits of ice around in my mouth until they dulled the sting from my throbbing tongue.
When I dialed Angie’s number, of course, she didn’t answer. The only person on vacation is you. Everyone else is at work. I knew this wouldn’t be my last time having to remind myself of that. Having this much time on my hands would take some getting used to. Instead of leaving a message, I hung up and sent a text to ask the name of the running group in which she participated. Angie had been hassling me for months about joining and now that I had so much time on my hands, there was no excuse for me not to give it a shot. The phone vibrated in my hand and Angie’s message popped up.
It’s called Black Girls Run and we meet in the mornings at 5am or there are other groups that meet in the evening, as well. You can look up all the schedules. Are you thinking about coming out to run?
Me: Well that depends, do you have to be a black girl to run with them? What about a half-black girl? I don’t want to mess up any photo ops, lol!
Angie: Of course you can come even if you’re not completely black! That part is more about the solidarity of encouraging women of color to become healthier and more active. Just come out and see if you like it!
Me: 5am is early, but shoot, since I don’t have anywhere to be, I can swing it! I can always come back home and go to sleep, right? I’ll check out their schedules. Thanks!
I was feeling pretty accomplished, and a lot less hung over as I got up from the table. Three baby-steps toward making my dreams come true. I couldn’t help re-reading Mike’s message from the night before. I loved the part where he said I looked carefree. I plan to have a lot less reckless moments and lot more moments that are carefree.
I trotted up the stairs to my bedroom and felt instantly deflated. I swear it’s like everything in my life is bipolar! The room felt heavy with all the events from the past two days. As much as I wanted to move forward into making better decisions in the future, I couldn’t just pretend that nothing was happening to me right now. In just a few days, I’d gone from being in a relationship to being a cheater. You became a cheater the day you let Grayson destroy everything you used to be. I mentally scolded. It was true. I hadn’t had a faithful or committed relationship since Grayson and I’d gotten so used to using men and disregarding their feelings that I didn’t know how to stop. It was second nature to me now and had been my only recourse against the heartbreak I’d endured. I should never have gotten involved with Josh. Not being as warped as I am. We’d jumped into everything too soon. That fact alone had a lot to do with why I wasn’t devastated by our breakup. I felt more guilt than anything else because he didn’t deserve it, but us no longer being a couple didn’t have me forlorn.
We hadn’t given our relationship a fair shot to begin with, considering we both came in broken, looking for healing in one another. Even worse, neither of us voiced our expectations until it was too late. Joshua had some growing to do and so did I and whether or not we’d end up together, I couldn’t begin to predict, but I knew there was no hope for me with him or anyone else if I didn’t start making some genuine and drastic changes.
I free myself to grow to be
Completely true, completely me
The mantra replayed itself in my mind as I stepped into my closet, pulled down a pair of dark blue skinny jeans and a cream cashmere, long-sleeved tee and laid them out across the bed. I wasted no time hopping into a steaming hot shower and lathering myself in the scent of eucalyptus and lavender. The aroma relaxed me and I let my mind go blank as I tilted my head back beneath the showerhead and let the water run through my thick, curly tresses before grabbing the shampoo. Midway through my second lather I heard the doorbell chime. I’m not expecting anyone so whoever it is can wait or they can leave. Nothing annoyed me more than people showing up unannounced. I ignored the bell and proceeded to rinse my hair when I heard it ring again. “Perfect!” I grumbled as I turned off the water and snatched my robe from the hook on the door. I haphazardly wrapped a towel around my head and took off toward the stairs. Whoever it is obviously isn’t going to go away. I saw the delivery truck pulling away as I opened the door. At my feet sat a bouquet of yellow roses. I removed the small white envelope tucked between them and pulled out the card that said:
Erin,
I apologize for the way I spoke to you yesterday. I was hurt and angry. I still am, but I shouldn’t have said those things. I hope that one day we can be friends. Please know that if you ever need me, I’ll still be here for you. Also, know that I’m still working on me. Maybe we tried for too much too soon, but it was amazing to me and so are you! Take care.
Josh
I couldn’t believe he’d sent me flowers and was apologizing to me after all I’d done to him. I had forgiven his words as soon as he’d said them because I knew I was the cause. I set the bouquet down on the end table and ran back upstairs to finished getting ready but paused long enough to send Josh a thank you text and suggest we get together sometime in the next couple of weeks. He agreed and said he’d be in touch soon.
It was twelve forty-five and straightening my hair had taken more time than I planned, but it was worth it. I loved when the cooler temperatures settled in and I had minimal risk of the frizz the humidity of summer brought. I took a side view of my frame in the mirror. Not bad. I clasped on a gold bibbed necklace and pinned round gold posts in each ear before slipping my camel-colored riding boots on over my jeans. I had just enough time to grab a quick bite to eat before going to therapy. I scooped up my camel clutch and tossed in my wallet, phone and shades before trailing down the stairs. As I walked out the door I glanced at the flowers and a smile played at the corners of my mouth at the thought of Josh’s kindness. He couldn’t help being true to himself and kind was just who he was.
I jumped in the car and headed to Crisp for a custom salad. I resisted the instinctive urge to flirt with the gentleman who had taken my order and was now rigorously chopping away at the romaine hearts in front of him. My eyes reflexively watched as the muscles in his forearms flexed with each forceful wield of his knife. Maybe Josh was right. Clearly I have no control of my oversexed brain. I chided. Then and there I made a personal commitment to overcome my “sloring” ways.
I paid for my salad and found a seat near the exit. After ten minutes that consisted mostly of me flipping the lettuce back and forth, I tossed the half-eaten salad in the trash. I was less than thrilled about discussing with my therapist everything that had happened in the past week. Not only would I have to tell Dr. Stevenson that my r
elationship had ended, I’d also have to tell her why. Even though I’d been going to sessions for weeks, I couldn’t shake the underlying fear that I was being judged by her or that she and the other therapists were discussing my personal life throughout the office. I didn’t have any valid reason to assume any of it, but it kept me from opening up completely. I still had a lot of trust issues to work through and dealing with Dr. Stevenson was no exception. The fact that Josh was planning to start sessions at the same location unnerved me further. All I need is for my secrets to get out and become the subject of the rumor mill amongst my peers. I pushed the thoughts down and shoved them in the box where I kept all the other shit that gave me anxiety. Just breathe. I coached myself through enough deep breaths to keep me from driving back to my house and hiding out in my bed. I hated feeling vulnerable. I hated it. Before every session, I grappled with how much I really wanted help. Did I want it enough to be transparent? Was I willing to risk exposing some very old wounds for the healing that would come in the long run? Every week I answered, “Yes,” and pressed a bit further. Today is no different. Stop being afraid to face yourself. Screw everyone else! This is for and about you! My pep talk worked and I put the car in gear.