The hours passed by easily as she worked. She was just glad that she could now tolerate the smells of the growing herbs and plants. Some women told her that those symptoms went on through the whole of their pregnancies. Others never experienced it, but shared what other ones did assail them through the carrying.
The sun rose higher in the sky and Cat knew she’d had enough. Wiping the sweat from her eyes with the back of her arm, she sat back on her heels and caught her breath before trying to stand. She’d learned to pause for a few minutes after toppling over, off balance and winded, the first day she had worked the soil. Closing her eyes, she lifted her face to catch the breezes.
That’s when it happened—well, really the two things happened.
A group of guards returning to the keep rode along the road not far from her cottage, laughing and calling out to each other. She lost her breath when she heard his voice. Even though it could not be, she tried to push to her feet and look. Her body did not react as she wanted it to and the extra weight she carried already slowed her. By the time she reached the low stone wall encircling the garden, they’d long since passed and were too far in the distance to tell one from another.
It could not be Aidan and yet she would swear she recognised the voice. Aidan’s deep tones always made her body tremble in anticipation. She would know it. She would...
Just as she began berating herself for such a foolish thought, the babe within her moved. Catriona clutched her belly and waited as the wee one inside her jabbed and rolled, taking her breath with it. When it finally stopped, she dropped onto the wall and tried to breathe once more.
She missed him.
She’d refused to think about him, but this mistaken sound forced all her regrets to mind...and heart. The pain of losing him sliced through her now. The babe kicked again and she began to cry. Had she made the right decision?
Aidan had saved her in so many ways. He had shown her that she could love, even after the tragedies she’d suffered. He’d shown her that she could be worthy of the love of another person. He’d pushed her to try new things and to learn new skills. He’d made her happy and made her feel like she mattered when she had never felt that before.
But...he’d been involved in Gowan’s death.
Since she’d not given him a chance to explain and had accepted the laird’s help in leaving in exchange for never contacting him again, there was little chance she would ever know the whole truth of it. Was it possible to forgive him when he’d admitted it and used that to manipulate her into loving him?
Or had he?
She knew that guilt had driven him to provide for her. She knew that much. And she did not doubt that he loved her, but did that justify the means he’d used to make it happen?
Sometimes, she wondered if he had not been surprised by the love that had happened. The first time he’d said the words to her, his eyes filled with wonderment, as though he could not believe it himself.
Even if she could forgive his part in Gowan’s death and accept that his love was genuine, she could not share him with another woman, even his wife. Even if it was the natural ways of things with wealthy men of power. Even if his family and his wife would accept and allow it.
So, Lord MacLerie’s offer made things easier—taking her away from Lairig Dubh and giving her a new life and a chance to survive and mayhap even thrive.
Without him.
She was guilty, too. Guilty of thinking she could simply enjoy the passion she’d shared with him and not involve her heart. She could blame it on her inexperience. She could blame it on her need to feel loved.
Well, none of that mattered, for he was out of her life for ever. Most likely, he had chosen his bride and married by now. The babe kicked again and she smiled sadly. The one thing she had not thought about was what would she tell the babe about their father when he or she was old enough to ask?
Catriona had managed not to let herself wallow in pity since arriving here and yet the sound of a voice had sent her deeply into it. Shaking off the maudlin, sad feelings, she took a deep breath and let it out.
Since the weather might not hold for long, she went back to her task. Later, she made some soup that would be her contribution to the village’s ceilidh planned for the next night. They were celebrating the wedding of one of the miller’s sons to a girl from one of the families there with a gathering of food and music. She’d not felt like celebrating very much, so this might be a good thing.
If nothing else, it made her feel part of the lives of those who lived and worked around Keppoch Keep and for the Matheson laird.
* * *
Aidan kept a close watch each time he rode through the village or while on duty at Keppoch Keep for signs of her. Assigned as a guard by his brother-by-marriage, his duties took him to places all over Matheson lands and he hoped he would find her here. He’d done as the note suggested and travelled to his sister’s home, gaining the approval of her husband to remain there in spite of breaking with his father.
Rob laughed when he told them how he was reclaiming his life and would not bend to his father’s will any longer. Aidan saw some of the knowing and then heated glances exchanged between his foster brother who was now his sister’s husband and he understood then that they had gone through the same thing with his father. For whatever reason, Rob agreed that Aidan would be taken into his service and be allowed to live here. If Rob and Lilidh had thought his request to be called something other than his full name was silly, they never said. So, Alastair MacLerie, distant cousin to the lady, came to live with the Mathesons of Keppoch Keep.
Though he wanted to blend in so he could search for Catriona, Rob would not hear of him living in the village. He was assigned to one of the small chambers that housed several men who served in the household. Other than seeing his sister in passing, he worked just as all the others did.
Days and nights passed and the dreams of her came each time he rested his head. And still he could not find her.
One of the men he served with invited him to the ceilidh in the village this night. His cousin was marrying and there would be a celebration. Ronald talked of his very eligible, very comely sister and his intention was clear to Aidan.
It mattered not to him, for his only goal was to find Catriona and beg her forgiveness. So, after finishing his duties, he walked down to the village, hoping that Catriona would come out of her hidey-hole and show herself.
He followed the sounds of pipes and drum into the village centre. Though much smaller than Lairig Dubh, it had a place around which everything else grew and it, too, was a well. Ronald greeted him and drew him over to tables where food sat ready. Aidan filled a bowl with some soup and took some bread while Ronald found a cup of ale for him.
As he followed the man and was introduced to all manner of people, Aidan kept an eye on the smaller gatherings and groups that formed along the lane. Women near the tables where they prepared and served food, men nearer to the barrels of ale. Children ran along, darting and weaving around the legs of the adults who stood talking.
Though the sun set late this far into the summer and the darkness would soon take hold of the night, torches burned brightly, lighting the area and allowing them to celebrate. Aidan found a spot near the well, drinking his ale and talking as people passed him by, but watching, always watching, and listening for her name or her voice.
Ronald’s comely sister made her way to him, with Ronald close behind, and introduced herself to him. Andreana Matheson was indeed a comely lass and they enjoyed a few minutes of conversation as she pointed out various kith and kin and named them to him. He waited, holding his breath as a group of women walked by and until they passed and Cat was not among them.
He followed Ronald and Andreana to where their family gathered, in a clearing between two of the cottages. Accepting a new cup of ale, he sat with them, listening to the go
ssip and the music. The evening was enjoyable, not unlike his own family’s celebrations. Aidan discovered no false airs or pretences living among these people and did not find himself yearning for the position he’d left behind.
Though he did miss his family, even his overbearing, domineering father, at times such as these. But, if he found Catriona and could convince her to forgive him, he would have his own family. Ciara had shared with him that Catriona could not have children of her own, but at least he would have her.
Deciding to return to the keep, he stood and thanked Ronald and his family for inviting him. Walking back to the main road, he noticed a group of women sitting partly in the shadows. Some held sleeping children, some chatted quietly. Some were younger women with bairns and some were older. He smiled, thinking on his mother and the wives of his father’s closest friends who would sit in just such groups, sharing gossip and making plans.
One woman moved about in the shadows and he watched her, unable to look away. He cocked his head and listened for her voice. It had to be her. It had to be...
Catriona MacKenzie stood in the midst of the women, smiling and helping with some task.
Catriona was here.
His feet moved before he thought of it and then he stood before her.
‘Catriona?’
Chapter Twenty-Two
The evening was a pleasant one. Catriona sat with other women, most of whom had children and most of whom were married. Now that the impossible was going to happen and she would have a child of her own, she began listening more carefully to the advice given by experienced mothers. And she began watching how they handled the small situations and big ones with their children in the hopes that she would know what to do when her bairn was born.
She’d been holding Seonag’s older daughter on her lap while Seonag nursed the youngest bairn. Now, Seonag passed the bairn off to her own mother and so Catriona stood to hand off the wee one to her. Stretching her back, she began saying her farewells for she tired more easily now and wanted to seek her bed when she heard the name spoken of one who did not exist any longer.
By the man whose voice she would know anywhere...any time.
‘Catriona?’
Turning to face him, she stepped out of the shadows to make certain she was not dreaming this.
It was him. Aidan MacLerie there a few paces away from her. Before she could say anything, he was striding towards her. The women around her missed nothing—not the wrong name, not the handsome young man calling to her, not even her hesitation.
‘Are ye well, Coira?’ Seonag said, walking to her side. ‘Who is he looking for?’
‘Who might he be?’ asked one of the younger women.
Aidan would never go unnoticed as long as women were around, that much she knew. But he looked neither left nor right, at anyone other than her as he approached.
Did she pretend not to know him?
They clearly did not know him. The beard he wore now had fooled her for less than a second. The larger, muscular shoulders were new. Her heart pounded in her chest and her mouth went dry. The bairn tumbled within her.
Even while she drank in the very sight of him, she only knew she was not ready to face him. She pulled her shawl around her, letting it hide her growing belly, and she walked away.
Thoughts fled and judgement went with them as she trotted down the road, away from the gathering, away from him. The others must think her mad now, but she cared not. She was winded when she reached her cottage. Without pause, she entered and closed the shutters and barred the door.
Did he follow her? She knew not and would not chance to open the shutters to look down the lane. Why had he not left her alone? Why had he followed her? How had he found her? Surely the laird had not given up her secret, for he played a part in it, too.
After some time had passed, when no one approached her cottage, she put out all the candles and sat in the chair in the dark. Too riled to sleep, she sat there, thinking of all the things she would say to him. Or maybe she should leave the Matheson’s lands and seek refuge in some other place?
* * *
Hours passed and she turned over all the possible plans in her thoughts. The only one she dared not think on was the one where she listened to him and forgave him. As the dawn’s light crept into the sky, Catriona wondered why she was so afraid to face him.
Did she fear him? Or did she fear exposing her past to him in order to tell him of the bairn she now carried? Would he think she had lied to trap him somehow? Other women did such things, gaining the favour of a lord and bearing his child to be supported. Would he believe her words if she did not believe his?
Sitting inside the cottage like this made her a prisoner, a prisoner of her past and his. She could not and would not go back to the person she’d been—one who waited on her husband’s pleasure, one who turned herself into a nothing more than a serving woman to pay back some debt she thought she owed. She’d lost so much of her life before she’d met Aidan, but she’d sworn she would not go back to a time when a man made her decisions for her.
So, when the day was fully awake, she realised that in order to make her decision, she must listen to his explanation and judge it. Opening the shutters, she let the light flood inside the cottage. Seeing no one outside, she lifted the bar and latch and opened the door.
She expected to find him there. She expected that he had followed her back and would press his case. Instead, she found herself standing alone as the village around her began to wake to the new day.
* * *
Aidan wanted to run after her, but did not. Afraid she might fall or hurt herself, he watched until she was just a shadow moving away from him down the road.
This was not how he expected it would go once he’d found her. Nothing about Catriona went as he expected it to. Never.
‘Alastair?’ Ronald said, stepping up next to him. ‘You are mistaken. Her name is not Catriona. That is Coira MacCallum.’
‘Ah. Just so,’ he said, nodding at Ronald. She was hiding in plain sight by using another name. His mother’s family name. ‘She looked like someone I used to know. My error. I hope I have not frightened her?’
‘Seonag!’ Ronald called out to one of the women in the group there. ‘Is she well? Coira?’
‘Oh, aye,’ this Seonag said. ‘She’s a bit tired from all the work preparing. And from the bairn.’ Cat must have been helping with the children there amongst the women.
‘Is she married, then?’ he asked, trying to keep his voice even as he found out more about the story she used here.
Ronald slapped him on the shoulder and laughed. ‘She’s a widow, though a bit old for ye, dinna ye think?’ he asked. ‘And she’s carrying.’
Everything stopped around him for just a moment as the words sank into his mind. Every sound, every movement, every person around him seemed to stop.
She’s carrying.
Catriona was pregnant with his bairn. He stumbled then and Ronald reached out for him.
‘I warned ye about the ale,’ Ronald said, holding him until he steadied. ‘’Tis stronger than most.’
‘I will see you on the morrow,’ Aidan mumbled out.
He walked down the road, towards the keep, but his heart wanted to follow her. How was it possible she was pregnant? She was barren. She could not have children.
He laughed harshly at the truths before him.
She knew that she carried his babe when she left him. His father must have known—for there was little or nothing the Beast did not know about those under his protection. She lived here and made no secret of it.
Confused and unable to sort through it all, he made his way back to the keep and to his chamber.
He thought he would ride in, find her, make her listen to his explanation and then she would forgive him.
If, knowing she was pregnant, his father sent her away and she made no attempt to contact him, it spoke of a reason he did not wish to consider.
She would never forgive him for what he’d done.
His mighty plan of making her see reason in his role in Gowan’s death would accomplish nothing. It might make him feel better, but she had already turned away from him.
And even while she carried a babe she thought she could never have. The pain struck him then as all of his hopes and dreams came crashing down around him. This could not end well for him.
Lairig Dubh, Scotland
Jocelyn waited for her husband in the solar. His mood and the mood of everyone here deteriorated more with each day that passed since Aidan rode out of the gates. Oh, she’d witnessed tests of will between her eldest son and his father since the first time Aidan could say the word ‘nay’ and more recently there had been some serious ones. But nothing came close to the stupidity of both of them in this matter.
She now had no choice left but to step in and meddle as Connor liked to call it. Jocelyn thought of it as taking steps to prevent catastrophe and disaster. And to save those whom she loved the most from self-destruction. Pacing around the chamber, she realised that she was part of the problem, too.
All good reasons for her to take some action of her own before it was too late—if it was not already.
The sound of his loud voice, calling out orders to this one or that one, echoed through the hall and into the chamber where she waited. Jocelyn cringed at the tone, at the sound of servants crying out and dropping things and then at the silence as they, no doubt, watched him walk by, hoping he would not focus his attentions on them.
It had not been this bad when she first moved here, nor since. But this falling-out between father and son, between chieftain and heir, was tearing the MacLeries apart. And pride and anger was not going to heal this breach.
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