Uncle John’s Briefs

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  • At 5.5 million square miles, Antarctica is the fifth largest continent (only Europe and Australia are smaller).

  • Antarctica is the driest continent. One region has received no precipitation for the last two million years.

  • The Bentley Subglacial Trench is 8,383 feet below sea level—the lowest dry location on Earth.

  • If Antarctica’s ice sheets melted, the world’s oceans would rise about 200 feet.

  • There are 145 liquid lakes (and counting) beneath the Antarctic ice. One, Lake Vostok, is under 2.5 miles of ice and is about the size of Lake Ontario.

  • The lowest temperature ever recorded on Earth was in 1983 at Russia’s Vostok Station: –128.6°F.

  • Cold, dense air being pulled by gravity down Antarctic mountains create the most extreme katabatic (Greek for “go down”) winds on the planet. They have been clocked at 200 mph.

  • Antarctic ice accounts for 70% of the world’s fresh water.

  • The largest non-migratory land animal in Antarctica is the belgica, a wingless midge (gnat) less than half an inch long. They don’t fly (the winds would blow them away); they hop like fleas and live in penguin colonies.

  • The Antarctic Treaty, drawn up in 1959, reserves the continent for exploration and scientific research and prohibits its use for military purposes. To date, 47 countries have signed the charter, technically the first arms-reduction treaty of the Cold War.

  • Seven countries claim to own parts of the continent: Argentina, Australia, Chile, France, New Zealand, Norway, and the United Kingdom.

  Hiking the entire 2,174-mile Appalachian Trail takes an average of 5 to 7 months.

  HOLLYWOOD’S #1 STAR

  For some reason, “answering the call of nature” has worked its way into nearly every Tom Hanks movie.

  • The Money Pit (1986): Beleaguered homeowner Walter Fielding (Hanks) notices a cherub statue in his yard is having trouble “peeing.” “Prostate trouble?” he asks. Later, Walter pees on a small tree in his garden and it falls down.

  • Joe Versus the Volcano (1990): Joe pees off of the luggage raft.

  • A League Of Their Own (1992): Washed-up baseball star Jimmy Dugan pees for nearly a minute in the girls’ locker room. “Boy, that was some good peein’,” comments Mae (Madonna).

  • Forrest Gump (1994): When Forrest meets John F. Kennedy, he informs the president, “I gotta pee.”

  • Apollo 13 (1995): Astronaut Jim Lovell urinates into a collection tube. “It’s too bad we can’t show this on TV,” he says.

  • Saving Private Ryan (1998): Captain John Miller and Sergeant Horvath (Tom Sizemore) talk about an old war buddy named Vecchio, who would “pee a ‘V’ on everyone’s jacket, for Vecchio, for Victory.”

  • The Green Mile (1999): Warden Paul Edgecomb suffers from a painful urinary tract infection that has him “pissing razor blades.”

  • Cast Away (2000): Marooned Fed-Ex executive Chuck Noland is peeing on the beach at night when he sees the faint light of a passing ship.

  • Road to Perdition (2002): Mob hit man Michael Sullivan is asked if coffee makes him sweat. His reply: “It also makes me piss.”

  • The Terminal (2004): Stranded immigrant Viktor Navorski must hold his pee for hours while waiting for a pay phone call at New York’s JFK Airport.

  Ironically, one of the few movies that Tom Hanks doesn’t pee in, or even mention it, is…1984’s Splash.

  Neither can you! A cat cannot see directly under its nose.

  LET’S DANCE!

  Even non-dancers will like the story behind this dance craze.

  THE POLKA This fast-paced dance is simple to learn, even for Uncle John. And it has a fun origin story, too…depending on who’s telling it. The Bohemian version—the one most often cited—claims that in 1834 a young peasant girl named Anna Slezak was bored one Sunday and decided to make up a new dance. She choreographed a hop-step-close-step pattern while singing a Czech folk song (“Uncle Nimra Brought a White Horse”). A local schoolmaster walked by and asked Anna to show it to him; he wrote down the steps and then introduced the polka (from the Czech word pulka, meaning “half-step”) in ballrooms in nearby Prague. The Polish version is similar: In the 1830s, a Bohemian man was visiting Poland when he saw a little girl dancing the polka (which may actually date as far back as the 1600s) and took the dance back home to Prague, where it was christened polka, meaning “Polish woman.”

  Either way, thanks to the Bohemian army, the dance spread from dance hall to dance hall all over Europe, making it a huge fad in the mid-19th century. Much like rock ’n’ roll would be 100 years later, the polka was embraced by the youth culture and vilified by grown-ups, who had only recently accepted the much slower waltz as their dance of choice.

  SQUEEZE BOX

  For most of the 19th century, polkas were usually written for violins. But as Polish immigrants moved to America in the 20th century, they brought along their accordions (invented around the same time the polka became popular), a much more versatile instrument that allowed a single musician to play melody, harmony, rhythm, and bass—perfect for polka parties. The polka’s second golden age took full swing in the Midwest after World War II, where millions of European refugees settled and brought their culture with them. Polka legends such as Frank Yankovic and Lawrence Welk helped legitimize the lively music for adults—many of whom were appalled by rock ’n’ roll.

  For more dance crazes, turn to page 162.

  More than 90% of plane crashes have survivors.

  YOU WANT A

  PIECE OF ME?

  Organ transplants are a miracle of science and an incredible act of human kinship: A part of one person can help another person live or live better. But it’s not just hearts and livers anymore—it seems like doctors can transplant nearly anything these days.

  BODY PART: Face

  RECIPIENT: Isabelle Dinoire

  STORY: In May 2005, 38-year-old Dinoire of Valenciennes, France, was depressed and took a large dose of sleeping pills. Her dog tried to wake her up, but couldn’t, and became more and more alarmed. In its zeal to rouse Dinoire, the dog inadvertently mauled her, destroying her nose, lips, and chin. Dinoire recovered, but she could barely eat and couldn’t speak at all. Two surgeons from Amiens, France, took an interest in the case and proposed a triangular skin graft. The tissues, muscles, arteries, and veins would be taken from the face of a brain-dead donor and transplanted onto Dinoire. The skin had to come from a living donor because live tissue ensured proper blood flow; skin from somewhere else on Dinoire’s body would be too different in color and texture. The five-hour procedure took place in November 2005, and it worked. Dinoire’s appearance isn’t exactly what it used to be—it’s more of a hybrid between her old face and the donor’s face. (Her nose is narrower and her mouth is fuller.) She still can’t move her lips very well, but she’s able to speak, eat, and even smoke again. (After all, she’s French.)

  BODY PART: Head

  RECIPIENT: Some monkeys

  STORY: On March 4, 1970, a team of scientists at Case Western Reserve University in Ohio, led by Dr. Robert J. White, successfully attached the head of one rhesus monkey to the body of another rhesus monkey. First, White cooled the brain to the point where all neural activity stopped. It would still be chemically “alive” if the volume of blood was kept at a normal level. This was achieved by carefully cauterizing all the arteries and veins in the head. Then the old head—brain and skull intact—was grafted onto the new body…and it was still alive. After the monkey recovered from the anesthesia, it tried to bite one of the researchers, but it could eat, hear, smell, and follow things with its eyes, meaning all nerves were intact with the brain. It lived for about four hours. Thirty-one years later, White tried the experiment again and this time was able to get the new body breathing on its own, controlled by the transplanted brain, allowing the monkey to live for eight days. Neither the 1970 nor 2001 experiment resulted in the attachment of the spinal cord, so neither monkey
could voluntarily control the action of their new bodies. White is now retired, but has a standing offer to perform the procedure on a human being. (So far, no takers.)

  What race is known as “The Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports?” The Kentucky Derby.

  BODY PART: Hand

  RECIPIENT: Matthew Scott

  STORY: In 1985, 24-year-old Scott, a paramedic from New Jersey, severely damaged his left hand from a blast by an M80 firecracker. It had to be amputated and Scott was fitted with a prosthetic hand. In 1998, Scott decided he wanted a real hand. Hand transplants weren’t unheard of—the procedure had been attempted before—but it had never been successful in the long term. That’s because it’s one of the most complicated surgeries conceivable: the hand contains 27 bones, 28 muscles, three nerves, two arteries, tendons, veins, soft tissue, and skin. To get the new hand to perform normally would be more akin to performing several dozen micro-surgeries. The surgery was performed in 1999 at the Jewish Hospital in Louisville, Kentucky, by University of Louisville surgeons Warren Breidenbach and Tsu-Min Tsai. Using a hand from a 58-year-old male cadaver, it took a surgical team of 17 people nearly 15 hours to attach the new hand (heart transplants take about seven). After the surgery, Dr. Breidenbach told the media “it could be at least a year if we know if it’s a good functioning hand. We hope for a good grip and some sensation of hot and cold.” Amazingly, Scott could move his new fingers just a week later. In April 2000, he threw out the first pitch at a Philadelphia Phillies game. And amazingly, after just one year Scott could sense temperature, pressure, and pain…and could use his new hand to write, turn pages, and tie his shoelaces.

  Mars has no plate tectonics, but has a single plate 125 miles thick, twice that of Earth’s,

  MR. T

  If you’re a fool, don’t read this page, as you will likely end up being pitied.

  “‘T’ stands for ‘tender’ for the ladies and the kids. For the bad guys and thugs, ‘T’ stands for ‘tough.’”

  “As a kid, I got three meals a day. Oatmeal, miss-a-meal, and no meal.”

  “It takes a smart guy to play dumb.”

  “When I was growing up, my family was so poor we couldn’t afford to pay attention.”

  “I was born and raised in the ghetto, but the ghetto was not born and raised in me.”

  “For five years, Mr. T disappeared. Fools went unpitied!”

  —on his bout with cancer

  “When you see me now, I’m nothing but a big overgrown tough mama’s boy. And I speak with that glee because the problem with society is we don’t have enough mama’s boys.”

  “Calvin Klein and Gloria Vanderbilt don’t wear clothes with your name on it, so why should you wear their name?”

  “I believe in the Golden Rule. The man with the gold rules.”

  “Anger: use it, but don’t lose it.”

  “Pity is between sorry and mercy. See, if you pity him, you won’t have to beat him up. So that’s why you gotta give fools another chance because they don’t know any better.”

  —on pitying fools

  “I thought about my father being called ‘boy,’ my uncle being called ‘boy,’ my brother being called ‘boy.’ What does a black man have to do before he’s given respect as a man?’ So when I was 18 years old, I said I was old enough to be called a man. I self-ordained myself ‘Mr. T’ so the first word out of everybody’s mouth is ‘Mister.’ That’s a sign of respect that my father didn’t get.”

  The term “filibuster” is from the French word for “pirate.”

  ANIMALS IN

  THE OUTFIELD

  And the infield, the dugout, the uniforms, the pressbox…

  JACOB’S SWATTER

  In the 2007 A.L. division baseball series, the Yankees were playing in Cleveland, down by one game but clinging to a 1–0 lead in the eighth inning. Coming in to hold the lead was 22-year-old Yankee reliever Joba Chamberlain, who hadn’t blown a save all year. Also entering the game: a giant swarm of tiny gnatlike insects called midges (they were attracted to the stadium lights). As they enveloped the mound, Chamberlain tried swatting them with his cap, but that didn’t work, so catcher Jorge Posada ran out and sprayed the pitcher with insect repellent. That didn’t work, either. So, with tiny midges crawling all over his face and neck, Chamberlain kept pitching. Result: He gave up two walks, threw two wild pitches, and hit a batter, allowing the tying run to score. The Indians, who were used to the bugs, won the game in the 12th inning. Afterward, Chamberlain blamed himself: “Bugs are bugs. It’s not the first time I had a bug near me.” But Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter disagreed: “I guess that’s home-field advantage for them—just let the bugs out.”

  FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES

  During the fourth inning of a 2007 spring training game between the Indians and the Mets in Winter Haven, Florida, play was briefly halted when several reporters started screaming and running out of the press box. The culprit: a three-foot-long black snake that had slithered over their notebooks and computers. While fans (Floridians, who are accustomed to snakes) laughed at the reporters, a member of the grounds crew caught the snake and let it go in some woods near the parking lot.

  FLY TO YOUR TOMORROW, SEAGULL

  To this day, Dave Winfield swears he didn’t do it on purpose. Between innings of a game in Toronto on August 4, 1983, the Yankee outfielder caught one last warm-up toss and then threw it to a ball boy waiting along the foul line. Perched on the field between Winfield and the boy, however, was a small white gull. After taking a short hop, the baseball hit the bird hard…and killed it. As the groundskeepers quickly came in and took it away, Winfield raised his cap. Stunned Toronto fans saw this as disrespectful and threw things at the Yankee slugger for the rest of the game. And after the game, a group of Mounties arrested Winfield (in the visitor clubhouse) for “willfully causing unnecessary cruelty to an animal.” Winfield denied it was willful, but cooperated and paid the $500 bail. The charges were later dropped, but Winfield’s reputation in Canada was severely damaged. (When the Blue Jays later brought in a falcon to try and curb the ballpark’s gull population, they named it “Winfield.”) Redeemed: Ironically, Winfield (the player, not the falcon) was later traded to the Blue Jays and helped win the 1992 World Series with a spectacular game-wining double in Game 6…earning him the nickname “Mr. Jay.”

  Nearly 90% of Canada’s population lives within 100 miles (160 km) of the U.S. border.

  THE CAT’S MEOW

  In May 1990, A’s manager Tony La Russa was sitting in the dugout during an Oakland home game when a stray cat ran out onto the field. The players tried to catch it, but the frightened cat made a beeline for the dugout, where La Russa—a self-described “cat person”—was able to corral it. The crowd cheered, and the cat spent the rest of the game clinging to La Russa. (He kept the cat and named her Evie.) Inspired, La Russa and his wife Elaine founded ARF, the Animal Rescue Foundation, which auctions off baseball memorabilia and uses the funds to find homes for stray animals (so far, tens of thousands of them). La Russa, who owns three dogs and nine cats, says his animals help him keep things in perspective. “I get home, feeling like hell after we get beat, and then see the faces of my pets telling me that, really, everything’s okay.”

  A TIP O’ THE CAP

  It’s always tough to return to the home park of your former team, but Casey Stengel came prepared when he and his fellow Pirates showed up at Ebbets Field to play the Dodgers (who’d recently traded him) in 1919. The Dodger fans booed mercilessly as Stengel walked up to the plate, when he suddenly paused and turned to face the hecklers. Then, to everyone’s astonishment, he tipped his cap and out came…a sparrow. It fluttered a few circles around the plate and then flew off into the sky. The fans roared and—at least temporarily—were in love with Casey again.

  Penguins sleep more deeply in the afternoon than in the morning. (Researchers discovered this by poking them with sticks.)

  KNOW YOUR GEOGRAPHY

  There are certain places y
ou hear mentioned on the news or read about in magazines that aren’t exactly countries—they’re more like regions or “geographic distinctions.” But where are they?

  IBERIA. The peninsula at the far west of Europe occupied by Spain and Portugal. The name was derived from Iber, the Greek name for the river that flows across the peninsula.

  THE FERTILE CRESCENT. Coined around 1900 by American archaeologist James Henry Breasted, the term refers to the crescent-shaped area that ranges across Syria, Israel, Jordan, Lebanon, and Iraq. It encompasses ancient Mesopotamia, between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, known as “the birthplace of civilization.”

  THE GREAT STEPPE.A steppe is a grassy plain that can be flat or hilly. The Great Steppe in Europe and Asia is a vast expanse bordered by the Black Sea that extends over Russia, eastern Europe, and former Soviet republics Turkmenistan and Kazakhstan. Historically, it was home to nomadic tribes and conquering hordes on horseback.

  THE CAUCASUS. This mountain range divides Europe from Asia. It’s nestled between the Black and Caspian seas, and bordered by Ukraine and Turkey. The region includes southwest Russia, Azerbaijan, and Armenia. The name comes from the ancient Greek word kau, meaning “mountain.”

  TORA BORA. A cave complex situated at nearly 13,000 feet in the Safed Koh mountain range on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border. Tora bora is the local Iranian dialect’s term for “black dust.” After the 2001 U.S.-led invasion against the Taliban, Tora Bora was the suspected hideout of al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.

  BALKANS. Comprising a mostly mountainous region in southeastern Europe, the Balkan Peninsula is bordered by the Adriatic Sea on the west and the Aegean and Black Seas on the east. Countries making up the Balkan states: Albania, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Bulgaria, Croatia, Greece, Macedonia, Romania, Serbia and Montenegro, Slovenia, and the European tip of Turkey. Balkan is the Turkish word for “mountain.”