Let Me Live

by Shirley Anne Edwards

  She hurried into the crowd that had just broken up as the parade ended. Charlie moved ahead but stopped when she noticed I hadn’t.

  “Can we wait another minute for the crowd to thin out?” I scanned the area as I tried to ignore how my heartbeat ramped up and my breathing became choppy.

  Charlie came to my side and brushed her arm alongside mine. “If you look to our far left, you’ll see the cops and some EMTs still block the street. There’s a lot of security here today, so you don’t have to worry. We’re safe.”

  I exhaled a long breath and relaxed my shoulders, which felt attached to my ears because they were so stiff. I would have sat under the tree again, but then Charlie would so the same, and I didn’t want her to miss out on today. She might act like she didn’t care, but I could tell she was almost as excited as Jo was.

  “I should be good now. I just needed a second before we join the fun on this beautiful afternoon.”

  “You mean on this wonderful day because it’s your birthday.” She looped her arm around mine. “Too bad you’re not wearing the Happy Earth Plant Trees T-shirt I got you as a present. I bet you would have been more comfortable in it than in the boring polo you’re wearing.”

  “I’ll wear it tomorrow. And even better, I’ll also wear shorts.” I let her lead me to the sidewalk that was now emptier than before.

  “I’m coming to your house tomorrow to see you and take a picture for posterity.” She hugged my arm.

  “You just want to use my pool.”

  “True, but I also want to hang out with you because I haven’t seen much of you since you returned.” She took her time walking, as I did. I wasn’t in a rush. “I know it’s still hard for you to be out in the open, so I don’t mind coming to your house to see you there.”

  “I’m not trying to be a hermit. It’s just….” I needed more time to get back to normal again. Leaving my house like I did on Saturday and today was a start. But I wasn’t at the point where I couldn’t get past the fear something horrible might happen.

  “Baby steps. That’s what you’re taking.” She continued to hug my arm as we walked slowly down the street.

  Jo kept texting us to hurry up as Charlie and me took our time. And when she texted the words cookies and puppies, my curiosity erased my anxiety, and our leisurely stroll came to an end. We met up with Jo, who was still gushing not only because the Girl Scouts did have free samples in their booth, but also the one next to them was for Albee’s animal shelter.

  Jo was on her knees petting a beagle puppy that made me want to hug it. There were also four other dogs of different breeds and ages. Even Charlie was so mesmerized by the dogs that she didn’t say hello to her aunt and Arielle a few feet away.

  I didn’t want to get dog hair on my pants, so I kept my distance, preferring to watch the girls ohh and aww over the dogs. My stomach rumbled when I spotted a box of Do-si-dos at the Girl Scout booth. Maybe I would buy a few boxes because Dad also liked Thin Mints. I moved in that direction, but then something wet touched my hand. A short-haired, tan furred dog, possibly a boxer, licked me and now sat with its tongue hanging out and wagging its tail.

  “Hey there, pup.” I patted its head, trying to figure out if it was male or female. The dog wanted more pats and suddenly jumped up and pawed my thighs.

  More stunned by the dog’s touchy-feely hello than the idea he might have stained my pants with dirt and slobber, I tried to get him to sit again, but he seemed to want a better hello, like Jo and Charlie had given the other dogs.

  Resigned to the fact I would have to get dirty, I knelt on one knee to give the pup some good rubs and pats.

  “It looks like Rigo has claimed you. Want to give him a forever home after he’s been fostered?”

  I took my attention from the dog to look at the man holding the leash of my new furry friend. I almost landed on my ass when I recognized him. It was the hot redheaded bearded guy from Astral.

  I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Before I made more of a fool of myself, the dog licked my face.

  “Rigo, sientate,” Redhead Bearded Guy ordered in what I think was Spanish.

  “The dog is bilingual or only obeys in Spanish?” I rose to my feet. Rigo now sat at the guy’s feet, his tail whipping around. He didn’t seem to care how the dog’s tail slapped him in the leg.

  “Rigo’s old owner was bilingual. He moved to a retirement home and couldn’t take care of his dog. I sometimes take him there to visit. The residents there love him,” Bearded Guy said and ran his hand over Rigo’s head.

  “Rigo’s not up for adoption?” I tried my best not to stare too hard at the man with the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. I hadn’t noticed them on Saturday when I spotted him in the front window to the shop. Oh my God, what if he saw my freak-out?

  “Right now we’re looking to foster him.” Bearded Guy bent down and petted the dog. “Buen chico.”

  “You speak pretty good Spanish, with the accent and all.”

  I wanted the ground to swallow me up when I realized what I’d said. This was a first for me because I usually didn’t just speak nonsense or something insulting. I stepped back to give some space in anticipation of Bearded Hot Guy’s negative response to my stupid statement.

  He chuckled and rose to his feet, appearing taller than before. He had to be well over six foot. “I’m bilingual also. My mom’s side is Columbian, and my dad’s is Irish. My red hair is from my pop’s side, and the dimple in my cheeks and chin from my mom’s.” He pointed to his hair-covered chin.

  “I think I have some Irish in me.” Again, it took me a few seconds to digest what I just said. My face now felt on fire.

  Hot Bearded Guy let out a booming laugh and slapped the side of his leg. “It does sound more risqué than it should.” He held out his hand. “I’m Bernard, but my friends call me Benny.”

  His hand was larger than mine, with ginger-toned hair covering the back of his hands and knuckles. But they were clean and well taken care of with blunt-filed nails, although there was some type of ink, a small tattoo of a shamrock on the knuckle of his middle finger. I took his hand and shook it as he did the same, but with more of a pumping action I felt all the way to my shoulder.

  “I’m Marshall. I’m here with my friends, the two girls who gave your dogs some love before.” I glanced behind to see both Charlie and Jo in the animal shelter booth.

  “The ladies love the dogs.” He winked and released my hand.

  I rubbed my palms together, the sensation of Benny’s touch still on my skin. I nodded in agreement, even though I hadn’t been around many dogs to notice if women loved them more than men.

  “You work at the shelter or you’re just a volunteer?” Maybe one way to help me recover was to volunteer? The animal shelter could be a place that helped me find my balance again.

  An older woman in an animal shelter T-shirt came over and asked for Rigo because a little girl and her mother wanted to meet him. Benny turned to hand over the boxer, and it gave me a moment to view him better. He wore camouflage cargo shorts, showing off a nice butt, and a gray T-shirt with the Earth in a silver hand logo, and the name Astral underneath it. Because of the cut-off sleeves, Benny’s arm tattoos were on display from shoulder to wrist. I wanted to ask about each tattoo and the story behind it, but then he turned to me again.

  “I’m a tattoo artist by trade but also a small business owner. I’m co-owner of Astral Body,” he said with pride.

  “You own Astral? You’re pretty young to own and run a company.” I was impressed because I would have never thought he would be the owner.

  For the first time he lost his smile and frowned. “I’m older than you. I’m twenty-six.”

  Ah shit, I insulted him. I rubbed my palms together, a new annoying habit of mine. “I’m nineteen. Today. I mean I turned nineteen today. It’s my birthday,” I explained, my voice cracking with strain.

  He ran his fingers through his beard, starting at me with a slightly raised eyebrow. His inspect
ion made me want to say goodbye and run away, but then he grinned and his baby blues lit up, making my stomach dip low and tighten in a way that made me glad my pants were loose because of my weight loss.

  “Happy birthday. You should get a dog for a birthday gift.” He waved back in the direction of the dogs that had become the center of attention for anybody who walked by.

  “My dad is allergic to dander. I live with him. You might know him by name—Ford Caryll. He’s—”

  “The mayor. I met him once at a town hall meeting about small businesses. If he runs again for mayor, I’ll vote for him.” He cocked his head slightly to the side as he studied me. “You take after him.”

  “I do?” I held out my arms and hands, staring at them for some reason, as if they would give me the answer to his statement.

  “You have the same color hair and dress like him.” He wagged his finger up and down, indicating my polo shirt. “Do you work for him as his assistant or something? You’d think he give you the day off with it being Memorial Day.”

  “Ah….” I squeezed the back of my neck, wondering if I should let him believe I worked for Dad. But then if I did, the lie would spiral out of control and Benny might think I was a jerk. “This is how I usually dress. I guess you could say I’m a stuffed shirt.”

  He lifted his palms. “Hey, we all have our own style we’re comfortable with. For some reason I like to wear black jeans and white T-shirts with some graphic on it, but today is the exception because of the heat.”

  “I do have shorts and T-shirts, which after staying outside for so long, maybe it was a bad idea to wear my usual suit of armor.” I pulled at one of the buttons on my shirt, contemplating if I should unbutton it. But it wouldn’t do much to impress the man before me.

  “It’s okay, man. You gotta be you.” He checked his black smartwatch and then took out sunglasses from his pocket and put them on. “I have another hour here before I head to the shop. If you’re free, you should stop in and we can talk about the type of tat you want.”

  That jumpy feeling in my stomach moved to my chest. “How do you know I want one?”

  “I saw you outside my shop with that DJ from WAAB, remember?” He snapped his fingers. “DJ Theo B. Did he talk you out of coming in? Is he your boyfriend?”

  This wasn’t the type of conversation I wanted to have. I wanted to ease into things and talk about him more than me. I didn’t like the idea he thought Theo was my boyfriend.

  “Theo? He’s just a friend. Ah, why do you think I’m gay?”

  His eyes widened slightly in surprise, and he chuckled. “I usually have good gaydar. If you’re not gay, I’m so—”

  I held out my hands to him, almost touching his wide chest. “Your gaydar is fine. There’s no reason to apologize.”

  His shoulders relaxed and he grinned. “Cool. The offer still stands about the tat. I’ll even give you 20 percent off.” He took out a small silver case from his pocket and held out a business card.

  I took it, and then he grabbed my hand and shook it while his other hand patted the top of my arm. “If you can’t stop in later this afternoon, come in next week. You don’t even need to make an appointment.”

  “You’re thinking of getting a tattoo?” Jo came up to my side and hung her arm around my neck.

  “This is Benny, animal shelter volunteer and co-owner of Astral Body Tattoo shop.” I neither confirmed nor denied if a tattoo was in my future.

  “Hi, I’m Jo, Marshall’s best friend.” She held out her hand for him to shake.

  “Nice to meet you, Jo. I don’t just do tats but piercings also,” he said, more businesslike than to impress.

  “OMG! If you get a piercing, your dad might flip out.” She shook her head in stunned surprise. “If you didn’t know, his dad is the mayor of Albee.”

  “Jo, he knows my dad is the mayor.” I hoped she wouldn’t reveal my hero/victim status in the shooting. It’s something I wanted to keep from Benny for a while, even if he eventually googled my name.

  “Did Marshall tell you he wants to be president one day?” she announced with joy.

  “Stop, please.” I nudged her in the side to stop her before I died of mortification.

  Benny looked like he was having the time of his life based on his chuckles. “I better return to my dog sitter duties before Marshall melts into the pavement, and not because it’s hot out.”

  To hide my disappointment, I lifted his card. “I know where to find you.”

  “I’ll be waiting.” He winked and walked back to the animal shelter booth.

  I wiped my damp forehead, grimacing at how overheated I felt. Jo whistled. “That man has a fine ass. Too bad he doesn’t swing my way.”

  “You would notice his fine ass.” I poked her in the side and walked toward Charlie and Arielle, who talked to some women in front of the Girl Scout booth.

  “I bet you noticed more than his ass.” She bumped her hip with mine. “Even if you don’t want to get a tattoo, you should pretend like you do so you can see him again and ask him out.”

  I shrugged, not willing to give her an answer. Benny was a temptation I would have liked to explore, but I just wasn’t in a good place right now. Also he made me nervous, something that didn’t usually happen with other men. It wasn’t necessarily because he was older than me. But my latest track record with hooking up and dating had ended in mass murder because I thought I could juggle two men at once.

  For now, it was better if I was alone and didn’t end up hurting someone I cared about, especially someone who might help me forget my pain and enjoy life again.

  Chapter Five

  “WHAT’S SO special about the card that you can’t stop staring at it? Or maybe it’s the person who gave it to you who you can’t stop thinking about?” Charlie wiggled her fingers for me to give her Benny’s card.

  “He’s nice,” I said, keeping my interest to a minimum. She wouldn’t tease me like Jo would, but I didn’t want her to get her hopes up about my mental well-being. She would assume I was on the road to recovery just like I had when she found Arielle.

  “Was it his way with the dogs or how well he looks in a beard?” She made a circle with her finger around her mouth.

  “Maybe it’s his tight ass Jo likes. Or it could be his muscles and arm tattoos.” I checked the animal shelter booth, even though Benny left ten minutes ago.

  “For you it’s more than just the physical,” she said.

  I snorted, wishing it was so. But when it came to John, it was purely physical with some pity mixed in all because I made the mistake of having one too many cranberry and vodkas to celebrate the end of finals.

  Arielle came up behind Charlie and wrapped her arms around her. Charlie accepted Arielle and kissed her cheek. “Good to see you out of the house, Marshall.”

  “Everyone keeps telling me that.” My frustration at constantly hearing it slipped out.

  “Well, it’s true.” Theo hung his arm around my neck much like Jo did before, but went one step further and ruffled my hair.

  “I thought you were hosting the concert in the park?” I slipped out from under his arm to gain some breathing space.

  If he noticed my not-so-subtle move, he didn’t show it. “I had a hard out. I’m meeting my mom for dinner.”

  “I’m doing the same with my dad. I should see if he’s done with his mayoral duties,” I said, ready to go meet him early.

  “I’ll come with you because Mom and me are dining with you,” he said as if it wasn’t a big deal, and then answered his cell.

  “What the fu—” I looked at Arielle and Charlie, who both smiled, obviously amused by what they heard.

  “Theo is so going to be your stepbrother,” Arielle said just loud enough for me and Charlie to hear since Theo had moved away to talk on his cell.

  “More the merrier for my birthday dinner!” I said with fake cheerfulness. With a quick wave at both girls, I speed-walked to where I would find Dad, not bothering to wait for Theo, who did
n’t even notice I’d left.

  THE ROUND table fit six people, but there were only four of us. Dad and Ms. Barnet sat next to each other, trying to hide their holding hands. But with their arms close together, it was obvious.

  Theo for some reason sat next to me. He must have forgotten he was annoyed I had left him with Arielle and Charlie and didn’t wait for him to finish his call. Whenever we saw each other now, he was always on his cell. But at least it was for work rather than his booty calls. Maybe a sign he had grown up?

  He didn’t seem to care about his mom and dad’s coziness, especially in public for everyone to see. Fascina’s was one of the most popular restaurants in town, so everyone would soon know Mayor Caryll and Ms. Barnet were and item again. Based on the stares from the people at the tables and booths around us, they already knew the score, especially when Dad moved his arm behind Ms. Barnet and did a not-so-subtle rub on her cheek with his nose.

  I think something like a gurgle left my mouth, or it could have been a gag. Either way, Dad stopped midsentence and stared at me.

  “Is this your way to show the world you two are together again? Are you going to make an announcement about your relationship?” I gulped my water.

  Theo tapped the side of my foot with his and shook his head.

  I hit his foot harder and glared at him. “You don’t care our parents are doing”—I waved at the two people in question—“this?”

  “What do you mean by ‘this’?” Theo waved at our parents.

  “Son.” Dad removed his arm from Ms. Barnet and sat up straight in his chair. “The way I’m with Liana is natural. It’s not an act. But if it’s embarrassing you—”

  “Ford and I don’t want you or Theo to be embarrassed.” There was more color to Ms. Barnet’s cheeks than a second ago. “Tonight is to celebrate your life and observe your birthday.”

  “When you mean celebrate my life, you mean thankful I’m alive?”

  She nodded. “The double meaning isn’t lost on you. I won’t deny I meant it that way.”