by Mia Ford
Maybe I shouldn’t be left alone, but everyone knows that’s just how I work sometimes. I’ll be fine anyway, I always am. I’ve survived this long with just one small scar on my cheek. I can keep on going.
***
My eyes ache because I’ve been driving for so long. I’ve been everywhere. Anywhere that’s ever arisen suspicion within us. Even the places that we gave up on ages ago because whatever activity was going on there has subsided, but I haven’t gotten anything. This Kingpin asshole is smart. Drug dealers aren’t usually this clever. Even the Cartel aren’t that great. They just have a lot of power so they don’t need brain smarts. These guys, Kingpin and the people working with him because he isn’t doing it alone, are clever. We know everyone in this town, at least in some way, and we cannot figure it out. It isn’t normal, why can’t we figure it out?
Who are they? I rattle the steering wheel in anger. Who the fuck are they?
My phone dings again and this time I yank it out to look at it. Cici has been sending me cute little flirty texts all day long, and while I’ve been responding my heart hasn’t fully been in it. All of this has knocked my self confidence and I don’t know how I can juggle it all. How the hell am I supposed to navigate the new world of commitment when I can’t even solve this? I’m not freaking magic. I cannot do it all, it’s impossible.
I don’t even bother to read the text this time, I hit the dial button to call her and flip the phone onto speaker phone mode before resting it on the passenger’s seat of the car. It’s time for me to put an end to this, I need to tell Cici face to face, or over the phone, that I can’t commit to anything right now. She hasn’t asked me to or anything, but I can feel the conversation brewing and I want to be the one in control of that.
“Yeah, yeah, sure, that’s great…” I hear Cici say in the distance. “Hello?” Now she’s speaking to me. “Will?”
“Hi, Cici, I just…” Urgh, why the fuck are the words just vanishing? “I wanted to talk to you…”
“Yeah sure.” She murmurs to someone else again, proving to me that she’s a bit too distracted to have this conversation over the phone. I might have to say it directly to her which isn’t going to be easy. It’s challenging enough to say these words while I speak to her, never mind to her face. “Sorry, bad time. It’s been parent teacher meetings tonight which has been crazy. I’m sure you can imagine.” Her little laugh cuts right to me. I can feel it fluttering in my heart which is annoying. I don’t want to like her this much. “How’s it going with you?”
“Oh, you know.” I rub my head hard leaving only one hand on the steering wheel. “Same as always.” The strain balls up in my shoulders, I feel a little sick to my stomach. This really isn’t a great time to have this chat. I’m going to have to cave. “Do you maybe want to come over to mine tonight? For dinner?”
As she speaks, I can hear her voice lighting up. Damn it, why does she have to like me? It makes it so much harder for me to switch my own feelings off. “Oh sure, that would be wonderful. What time?”
I glance at the clock on the dashboard. Unless I want to spend the night time digging through shit holes I suppose I might as well give up now. “Yeah, any time. I’m going home now, so whenever you want.”
“Great. Erm, you sound a little stressed, do you want me to pick up groceries? I can cook.”
She’s so sweet. She’s adorably sweet. Fucking hell, I really like her. I don’t want to let her go. Maybe this isn’t the best time, but is anything ever perfect? Would there ever be a right time for this to happen? As long as I keep my work and home life separate, which admittedly hasn’t always been something that I’ve been great at, it’ll be fine. Maybe I can do both. I should at least give things a try, right? I shouldn’t give in so easy?
“That would be awesome, yeah.” I smile to myself. “I guess I’ll see you in a bit then, Cici.”
“Great, that’s wonderful.” Cici ‘s sweet voice is lovely. “I’m really looking forward to it.”
I can’t remember the last time that someone’s been looking forward to seeing me. Just as I can’t recall ever yearning to see someone either. Yet here I am, experiencing just that. “Me too,” I tell her. “Yeah, me too.”
I pull over to the side of the road and hang up the phone, sighing as I do. Cici is well and truly under my skin now. She’s stuck to me like glue, and I don’t totally hate the idea. I wouldn’t mind keeping her around for a little while longer. I let out a little laugh, shaking my head as I do. What am I going to do with her?
Well, I guess I have another date then. Not how that conversation was supposed to go!
Chapter Eleven – Cici
There’s a storm brewing in my chest as I stand outside of Will’s home, waiting for him to answer the door. Excitement, anticipation, happiness, it’s all there. Just like it always is every time I get to see him. It’s been the same routine for the last few weeks, I finish work, I come to Will’s home at least four nights a week, we head out for drinks and dinner, or if we’re both too shattered we stay in to watch movies, and we end the night in mind blowing sex. Usually. Then at weekends, we sometimes spend the whole time in bed.
I’m struggling to fit it all in. It’s hard to balance my job, my friendships, my relationship, but it’s all worth it.
We haven’t officially established us as a relationship yet, we don’t use the titles ‘girlfriend and boyfriend’ yet, but that’s pretty much what we are. I don’t think either of us are seeing other people, we’re in one another’s lives too much, so we must be headed in that direction. Somehow, the whirlwind is all becoming real. With every day that passes, the dream becomes my reality, and it makes me happier by the second.
Ring, ring… ring, ring… ring, ring…
Just before Will can answer the door, my cell phone blasts out and I grab it out of my bag quickly. It’s either Will letting me know that he isn’t quite home yet, or Michelle who keeps trying to get me to come out with her far more often than usual now that she knows I’m with Will. It’s safe to say that she isn’t pleased, but I think that has much less to do with him as it does the idea what I’ve proven her wrong. She doesn’t like it that I’m the one who’s tamed the bad boy. I agree, in a way. She’s the one who’s beautiful enough to have any man changing all of her bad ways for him, yet here I am, getting what she desires. But Will isn’t a bad boy, he’s a great guy. Underneath his tough exterior, he’s a sweet and funny guy, one who treats me really well. I’m lucky, I know that I am, but I’m not taking it for granted. I’m enjoying every single second of it.
“Hi, Annabelle,” I say with surprise. Ever since the wedding she hasn’t been in touch too much. “You okay?”
“What is this I hear?” she sneers nastily. “You cannot be serious. Are you like, trying to ruin my life?”
“Huh?” My mind scans back over the past, trying to figure out what this might be. “What are you on about?”
“What am I on about?” She’s nearing hysteria already. “You and the fucking best man. Is that for real?”
“Oh right…” Of course. I should’ve guessed that she wouldn’t like that. “Erm, yes, I suppose you’re right.”
“So, you are dating him? Will fucking Yoker? The guy that I warned you about. Have you forgotten that?”
I smirk as I recall the warning in the toilets during the wedding reception. I’m surprised that she can remember it since she was absolutely wasted by that point. “Oh, I know, but it’s fine, Annabelle, don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried. It isn’t that. I’m just fucking fuming. I can’t believe you’d do that to me?”
“To you?” I’m starting to get a little angry myself now. “What do you mean? How exactly does this affect you? I’m pretty sure that this is my relation…” Nope, don’t say that. Not before we’re ready. “My thing.”
“You have no idea what you’re getting yourself in for, do you? He isn’t a good guy. You need to get away.”
I roll my eyes, ignoring
her completely. “You know what? I’ve had these warnings before. It doesn’t mean anything. I understand that Will has a past but I don’t care about that. I’m just concerned about right now.”
Annabelle laughs out a nasty sound. I can tell what she’s doing, I’ve been here with her before. Ever since we hit our teen years and she started to become a bitch, she doesn’t like anyone else to be happier than her. I’m sure she wouldn’t like the attention that me and Will brought as well. Especially since we met at the wedding.
“You really think you know what you’re talking about, don’t you? Well, I’m going to warn you now that you’re naïve. You have no idea what you’re getting into. You will find out though. He’s dangerous. I mean, he’s a cop for crying out loud. Cops go out and get shot all the time. They also bring trouble to their door. You want that to be you? You want to be the person who gets shot because she’s in the way? You’re an idiot.”
Okay, she’s reaching now. I can feel her stretching up to grab onto something to scare me, but it won’t happen. I might not know much about the police world but that doesn’t make me totally thick. “Thank you so much for caring about me, Annabelle, but I’m sorry. I have to go now, I have a date. With Will Yoker.”
I can hear her screaming as I hang up the phone, which leaves me feeling a little sick. I don’t want to cave to her words, I don’t want to let her inside of my head, but she’s there anyway. More making me angry than anything else. I can feel things twisting and twirling inside of me, leaving me very confused.
“Bitch,” I mutter to myself as tears sting my eyes. “Fucking bitch.”
I don’t know why I feel so emotional, I don’t know why she’s getting to me, I know what Annabelle is like, I know exactly what she’s capable of, so why do I care? Why do I give a shit? I’ve been so confident in me and Will, I haven’t let anyone bother me, but just one short phone call from Annabelle and I’m a mess.
“Hey.” All of a sudden, I hear Will’s voice as he bounds up the stairs, two at a time. “You okay?”
He gives me this heart stopping smile and I can feel all my worries melting away. How can I let Annabelle get to me when I have this wonderful guy? She’s jealous and it makes her nasty. She probably doesn’t even care that she’s married now, she won’t want anyone else to ever find someone. Well, tough shit.
“Oh, I just had a call from Annabelle,” I tell him, trying to be honest but breezy at the same time. “I don’t think that things are going too well with her and Landon. She was being a bit… well, crazy.”
Will chuckles and wraps his arms around me. “Well, that’s their problem, not ours.”
As he kisses me, I feel like I need to tell him more, I want him to understand. “She isn’t happy about us.”
He pulls back and looks at me, almost as if he’s finally registering my reaction to that. “Oh, I see. Well, that’s a bit shit, isn’t it? But, I mean, does it really matter? Who cares what she thinks?”
“Do you think Landon might hate it as well?” Will shrugs, totally unbothered. “You don’t care?”
“No, of course not. Why would I care? Sure, he’s my friend, but who gives a shit?”
Hmm, I guess he’s right. Maybe I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser but Will definitely isn’t. I’ve started pleasing less people ever since I’ve been hanging out with Will, but maybe that isn’t the worst thing. It makes me feel good anyway, finally doing something for me. Why shouldn’t I be with him if I’m not happy? So what if Michelle thinks he’s a player and Annabelle assumes he’s dangerous? I’m the one who knows him.
“Come on, let’s go in. I’m cooking for you tonight, and I want to hear all about your day.”
“I’m not sure that you do. It was dissecting frogs day, it was properly disgusting.”
“Honey, I’m a cop. I’m sure I’ve seen worse than…” But then he mock gags as if he can’t hack it. “You know what? I don’t think I want to know about frogs and their guts after all. Forget I said anything. I’ll tell you about the dead bodies we found instead. That’s a much easier topic to go with.”
Maybe he’s joking, but that probably is something he needs to deal with on a day to day basis. I’m not stupid, I do know what cop work involves, but actually thinking about it is crazy. I haven’t ever seen a dead body before and I don’t think I could hack it. This world might well be a bit too much for me… luckily, I’m out of it.
Stop it, I warn myself. Don’t overthink it. Just enjoy it for what it is.
“Okay, so no work talk,” I say decidedly. That’s probably a very good long term rule. “What do you want to watch tonight?” This is definitely a staying in night, I think we’re both too exhausted, me emotionally so.
“You pick. I’m going to get food cooking.” There it is, that voltage smile. “Okay?”
I slump onto the couch and stare at the black screen for a while, working things out in my brain. I don’t want to have any doubts, I’m very happy living in the bubble that I’ve been in. I don’t really have any, I am still secure enough, but I just wish that everyone else could see what I do when it comes to Will. I hate having to defend myself. Maybe if me and Will were official then I could suggest that we all hang out or something, give people a chance to see the real him, but I can’t push him. Not if commitment isn’t his thing. I’ll just have to wait and try to be patient. I can do that, surely? A bit of patience isn’t too much to ask.
“Are you sure that you’re okay?” Will calls from the kitchen. “Annabelle hasn’t upset you, has she?”
See? He can see right through me. He knows what I’m feeling without me even needing to tell him. That’s because of our deep connection, we have something intense between us, something that others wouldn’t understand. “Yeah, I’m good. She did get through to me a bit, but you’re right, I shouldn’t care.”
Will peeks his head into the room and he gives me a narrow eyed look. “Okay, that’s it. We’re going to do something. We’re going to go out and… and… I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
“Mmm, I don’t want to do anything?” I shake my head quickly. “Let’s just stay here.”
“Nope. I refuse.” He puts his hands underneath my arm pits and lifts me up. “I’m not going to let you wallow until you fall asleep, which I know is exactly what you’re planning to do, by the way.” He’s right about that. Much as I’d like to disagree, I can’t. “Come on, let me buy you some fries and a glass of wine.”
“Fries? Wine?” I give him a look. “Yeah, that’s a great combination.”
“It sounds good though, doesn’t it?”
I don’t really want to get off my ass, but something about Will’s offer is tempting me. Maybe some fresh air and some life outside these walls might be just what I need. Finally, I cave and I nod with a laugh. Even when things feel shit, Will can make it okay again. Fuck everyone else and their opinions, fuck what they think of me. This is about to become the best thing ever.
“Fine, fuck it, let’s do this. Let’s go out for wine and fries. You insane bastard.”
“Yeah, that’s more like it! Shall we cheer?” He sees my unimpressed expression. “No, you’re probably right. We shouldn’t do that. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even mention that I ever said that?”
“Oh no, we wouldn’t want to ruin your super cool reputation! Slick Officer Will Yoker.”
“I know, right?” He rolls his eyes. “People expect things from me.”
Will slings his arm over my shoulder and he guides me towards the front door. With that killer grin of his, I’ll do anything for him.
Chapter Twelve – Will
“What the fuck is this?” I moan angrily while I toss my head back in dismay. “This is getting ridiculous now.”
Andre huffs and shakes his head. “Well, I guess we now know that it’s definitely you they want.”
I scan my eyes through the pictures with ice cold blood racing through my system. This is bullshit, this is really fucking freaky. I’
ve seen all kinds of weird shit while I’ve been a cop, and of course I’ve had terrible things said to me along the way. When arresting people, I get threatened all the time, I get called all the names under the sun, but this is something else. This is photographs of me living my everyday life, just going to the shops and leaving the police station, drinking in a bar and talking to an acquaintance on the street. There isn’t anything written on the pictures, there’s no note with them, it’s just a stone cold threat and I know that it’s from him.
Kingpin is watching me. He wants me to know that he has every move of mine under surveillance. I wonder why. I wonder why just me. I’m not the only one on this mission, there’s lots of us. This is weird.
“What the hell are we going to do about this?” I ask while rubbing my eyes. “How can we stop it?”
Andre gives me a helpless shrug. “I don’t know if we can stop it. I mean, we can have guys watching you all the time for back up in case something does go awry…” He catches me shaking my head. “No? Why no?”
“I don’t want more people watching me. I want less people seeing my every move. Plus, if this asshole was going to put a bullet in my brain, don’t you think he’d have done it already? Look at these pictures. He’s had plenty of chance to do so. No, I don’t think more people is a good plan. That might be what he wants.”
I wish I knew what he wanted. That’s something I would love. Just to get a true insight into this guy’s mind. I’d love to know what he’s thinking and why. This isn’t just about the drugs anymore. It might have started out that way, but now I think it’s about control. He wants to have the power over me, he wants to control my life. But why? What’s the point? What benefit does he get from it? Unless he’s a sicko who gets off on it.