“You know what?” He looks at me and smiles. “That’s a definite yes, Blake. I’m your man!”
“Cool!” I say and grab my beer bottle and tap it to his. “To a long and beautiful association with my right-hand man.”
“Your right-hand man,” Josh echoes. “I won’t disappoint you.”
“I know you won’t,” I say. “Your first job is to finish overseeing the remodel of my home. I’ll show you the specs later and you can quit your job ASAP and come to work for me. How soon can you start?”
“Tomorrow too far away for you?” he asks with a grin. “My company is laying people off left and right. It would be a relief to my boss for me to leave rather than he has to let me go.”
“Tomorrow is great. I’m actually leaving for Houston. I’ll put that off for a few hours so I can get you all set up.” I tap a number for a yearly salary I have in mind for him into my phone’s calculator and show it to him.
His eyes light up. “Blake, you sure? That’s a lot of zeros!”
“Oh, sorry, my mistake.” I pull the phone back and change all the zeros to nines and show him the new number.
His eyes go even brighter somehow. “No way!”
“Damn, you drive a hard bargain!” I pull the phone back to add more money.
He laughs and says, “No! That’s more than enough, Blake! Hell yeah, I’ll be your right-hand man!”
Josh jumps up and does a wacky-ass dance that has me laughing so hard I nearly fall out of the old lawn chair.
Glad I can make some people happy!
Wish it was Rachelle too, but I’ll take what I can get.
Rachelle
Shadows dance across my ceiling as I look up at it and think about Blake. The hour is late and my mind is so tired of thinking about recipes and correct food temperatures and I wish like hell he was holding me in his arms.
All I want is to hear his deep, sexy voice on the other end of my phone. I pick it up off the night stand and look at his name in my contacts list. One push of the button would have me hearing him at the very least telling me to fuck off and that’s better than nothing.
I look longingly at his name. My finger lingers over his name then I nearly throw the damn phone as it rings. It’s my mother’s name that shines, lighting up the dark.
A deep breath I take and answer because who doesn’t take a phone call at three in the morning when a parent calls?
“Hi, Tabitha.”
“Shelly?”
“Yes, it’s me, Shelly. Did you accidentally call me?”
“No, I meant to call you.” She hiccups and I know she’s drunk. “I’m not a well woman.”
I want to say, ‘duh’ but that’s too mean. “No, you’re a little broken, and that’s okay after all you’ve been through. You see Grandpa told me about your mother too, Mom.”
“Mom?” she asks, her voice cracks. “You haven’t called me that since you were three.”
“Well, my mind and heart didn’t agree on calling you that. But now I kind of think you need me. You may not realize it yet, but you do and I need you too.” My heart hurts as I think about her and her mother in a car as it crashes and my four-year-old mom watches her mother pass on right in front of her eyes. “Wanna talk about your mother and that day or night or whatever it was?”
“It was nighttime, and it was so scary, Shelly.” I can hear her take a long drink of something then she inhales deeply and I know she’s sucking on some kind of a cigarette. I keep my comments to myself and just let her talk. “The one thing I hold on to is that she was dead and gone right after it happened. She never screamed or cried. I did though. I wasn’t in pain, but I was just so afraid.”
“Then what happened?” I ask and sit upright in my bed. It’s all I’ve been wanting to hear from her.
After another long drag off of the thing she’s smoking, she says, “Well, a man broke the windshield and some of the glass glanced across my skin. It stung, and I looked down as I cried that’s when I saw all the blood. I was covered in blood from the waist down. It’s odd I never felt it until I saw the blood.”
“What was wrong?” I ask and sit up more, leaning over and holding my knees in my arms.
“Something had flown around in the car as we rolled over and over again. It must’ve clipped me just above my thighs. I was cut deep. I still carry those scars.” She giggles. “That’s why I never wear short, shorts, even though my legs are to die for!”
I find myself laughing a little too. “Did you have surgery or just stitches?”
“Not real sure,” she says. “A lot went blurry after that. A man with jet black hair released my seatbelt. I have to say that my mother always made sure she and I always wore our seatbelts even though it wasn’t the law back then.”
“I’m sure it’s been hard to remember for you. When did you start to miss her?” I ask and listen intently.
A long pause she makes. Her voice goes so soft I can almost not hear her. “The moment I saw her head hanging. The moment the four-year-old I was realized my mother was gone. That’s when I started missing her and I still do to this very day. It took a part of my soul. The part that loves, trusts, and believes this is a real life.”
“But this is a real life, Mom,” I whisper.
“You sure, Shelly?” she asks then I hear her take another three gulps of whatever she’s drinking. “I’m not so sure.”
The idea I have so many crazy genes running through me makes me afraid, but I swallow hard and say, “I am sure, Mom. This is real life.”
“Hmm, I wonder all the damn time,” she murmurs. “It’s kinda like my life stopped then, when I lost her. Is that what happened to you when I left you?”
My heart stops. I never thought I’d get to talk to her about how I felt about that time in my life. “Yeah. Momma, what happened?”
“Drugs, alcohol, and the fact you reminded me of your father and my mother.” Another long drag she makes. “You have to know you were conceived with love. Your father and I loved the fucking hell out of each other. If it wasn’t so hard to love, I would’ve stayed with that man forever. We could’ve been a family, us three. That’s what he wanted, and I did too at that time.”
“You said he fooled you, Momma. You said he poked holes in his condom.” My words come so soft I pray she hears them.
“Truth!” she says with a loud voice. “Truth time, right? Okay, here it is! You were a planned baby! I wanted you, your daddy wanted you! He didn’t fool me, I fooled him. Or so it seemed at that time. When I found out I had a baby in me, well, I freaked.”
“I get it. I do,” I say. “It’s like you knew you couldn’t do right by the baby, right?”
“Right!” she says with an excited voice. “I knew you’d end up with your daddy’s brains. He was so fucking smart and so damn handsome. God, we loved each other, and I had to mess us all up.”
“You know, Mom, there are people who you can talk to that can help you. What you went through, losing your mother and in the way you did is traumatic. It messes with your mind and we need help to get past it and make our lives better,” I tell her and myself at the same time.
I’ve been talking to the friend of Peyton’s some. The truth is I haven’t been really letting her in. It’s what I do with everyone, I let them in just enough, but not all the way.
It’s time I follow my own advice and do some real talking with the person who can help me the most. My mother is crying on the other end of the line and I feel terrible for her and wish I was there to hold her and tell her it’s all going to be okay.
“You know, Shelly, even if I do get someone to help me, I think it’s just too late. The fact I have to see what I did to your father, alone, is enough to make the guilt flow through me like a raging river.” She goes silent for a little while.
Finally, I ask, “Mom, you still there?”
“I am,” she answers. “I wish it was so simple. I wish everything was simple. It seems it’s been so long that things have been so me
ssed up in my head that it can’t be fixed. I can’t be fixed. Anyway, sorry I took up so much of your time and it’s late. I suppose you have that school thing in the morning and here I am just going on and on.”
“Mom, I’m really happy you called, and that we talked about this stuff. Thank you so much for this. You can’t imagine how bad I needed to hear all this.” I pause to wipe a tear off my cheek. “Maybe I could get Rodney some help too. Where are his parents?”
“They died in a house fire along with his younger brother. It was your father who accidentally started the fire. He was drunk and as he left the house late at night while everyone else was sleeping he knocked a candle over. He knew he did it and in his drunken state he didn’t think about what would happen if he left it burning on the carpeted floor,” she says then sighs deeply. “Another bunch of people’s lives affected by my choices and screw ups. He and I had talked on the phone. I was pregnant with you and had run. It was the first time we’d talked since I’d left.”
“It still wasn’t your fault that happened. It was his and his alone,” I tell her.
“It was mine. He told me nice things, and I told him mean things. I didn’t have to be like that,” she says. “I accept the responsibility of the things I’ve done. I carry the burden which is mine to bear.”
“You carry way too much burden, Mom,” I say and find more tears trailing down my cheeks. “Let some of it go. Give some of it away.”
“Easier said than done, sweetheart,” she says. “The burdens have been with me longer than any person has. They are my company when I’m alone. They are my family, so to speak. And they are always with me. The alcohol and drugs take them away for short periods of time, but they never leave for good. I sober up and they become stronger than they were before. Seems they taunt me at times.”
“Mom, the degree of how unhealthy this is, is not measurable. You need to get help and I intend to see that you do. That we both do and I intend on seeing what can be done about getting Rodney into a facility and out from under that damn bridge. Mark my words, within one year the three of us will be on the road to getting some kind of help out of this madness we’ve been put in.”
I grab a tissue, blow my nose, then get up and go towards the bathroom to wash my face and get rid of this defeatist attitude I’ve had since I was three. My mother laughs.
“Okay, dear. We’ll see. I’ve kept you long enough. Good night.”
“Good night, Mom. I love you.”
She’s silent for a second as she’s never told me those words and the only time I’ve told them to her I was throwing them at her in anger. “I love you too, Shelly. Bye.”
Blake
Sun shines through the windshield as I drive to Houston to do a little mind mingling with Max about what it is I should do with my money. I have Josh as my right-hand man now and he’s already hard at work, figuring out how to handle the neighborhood renovation plan.
Now that I have some idea about what I can do to make things better for some people and keep some of my money going to things like that instead of the horrible taxes, I can concentrate on investments. I have to make money from my money so I can keep having money after all.
My cell dings and I look over at it, but don’t pick it up. I’ll check it the next time I stop. And since I see a little store right here. I’ll stop.
Damn my curiosity!
I pull up to the gas pump. I may as well get some gas while I’m here. My body seems to be tingling for some odd reason as I pick up the phone.
There it is. A message from her. After a mere three weeks she’s finally contacting me. I almost don’t want to read it.
I tap her name and the message springs onto the screen. ‘I’M SORRY.’
She’s sorry. Hmm. So, what does that mean?
I have no idea of what to send back. No idea what I want to say or how I even feel about this. She is sorry. Well, so am I.
I pull away without getting any gas. My mind has gone numb. There’s not a doubt in my mind that she is sorry, but that’s not enough.
Is she done running from the things that are good for her?
Is she through with the nonsense that one day she might lose me so it’s better not to have me at all?
Is she no longer a tiny bit insane?
These are the kinds of things I need to hear from her. Sorry is a start, but only one little part of what I need to hear from her.
I could pick up the phone and take her back right this second and in less than a week we will be at this same exact place again. She has to be without me for a while. She has to feel the need and want I know she has in her for me.
To pick that phone up and call her is all I want to do right now. My hands are fidgeting all over the steering wheel and my eyes keep being drawn to the phone that lies on the passenger seat of my truck.
With a quick movement, I grab the phone and toss it in the back seat so I can’t see it. I can’t get to it if it rings or dings with another message from her.
If it’s the right thing to do, why does it hurt so damn bad?
Part 7 Born Lucky
Rachelle
Click clack, click clack! That’s all I can hear as I walk down the sidewalk away from the movie theater. We watched a sappy love story and I want to choke somebody!
It’s been a month since I’ve seen Blake. I sent him one text message telling him I was sorry, and he didn’t even send anything back. Not even a get fucked or a fuck you or anything!
A new guy came to work at the restaurant I’m interning in and he’s from London. He has this great accent, and he’s tall with dark hair he keeps cut really short. His eyes are blue, not a speck of brown in them. Plain old blue eyes and a plain old face with not much emotion on it.
Except when he looks at me. Shaun has been hounding me to go out with him since he walked through those kitchen doors three weeks ago. I haven’t been up for dating since my heart belongs to Blake, but my mind is refusing to allow anything to happen on that front.
Now Blake has turned a cold shoulder to me and Shaun has been heating up every chance he gets. I finally agreed to go to dinner and a movie with him. He took me to eat Chinese then we went to see the love story and now he’s walking me back to my car.
I refused to let him pick me up, still keeping people at a distance. He was understanding about that though. Something Blake never really could understand.
No pressure is what this guy keeps telling me. But the way his hand just grabbed mine and judging by how much closer he moved towards me that’s about to change.
The keys from my purse I grab and press the button to unlock my car. His hand leaves mine and I make a sigh of relief. But he just moved it to lay his arm around my shoulders and now my chest is getting all tight and I itch for some damn reason.
“Let’s don’t wrap this up yet,” Shawn says. “How about a drink at that bar we passed back there? Just one, no pressure.”
“I really shouldn’t have a drink then drive home, that’s irresponsible,” I say and keep going towards my car.
He’s bigger than I am and easily stops my progression. His hand touches my chin and I look up at him as he says, “Shelly, one drink isn’t going to affect you that much. I have seen you put away three glasses of wine after work then drive home.”
“Well, those were really bad days, and I was trying to forget about some things. It was a bad idea to do. I really just want to go home and pull my clothes off and climb into my bed,” I say and by the way his eyes light up I realize what I said and wish I could gobble those words back up.
With a grin he says, “Even better. I’m in!”
I laugh and pull away from him. “Poor choice of words, Shaun, that’s all that was. I meant alone, I’ll be getting into bed. Thanks for the dinner and the movie. I had a nice time.”
My hand touches my car door and I’m nearly home free. Then his body touches mine and he clears his throat. He takes my shoulders and turns me back to face him.
His ey
es are soft and I know he’s about to kiss me. “I had a very nice time, Shelly. Tell me we can do this again soon.”
“We’ll see,” I say and try to end this night without a kiss. “No pressure, right?”
“A little pressure,” he says and touches his lips to mine, gently.
Shaun’s lips are full and soft and most women would probably love the way they feel. I am not one of them. Maybe because they aren’t Blake’s. I pull back and swallow hard.
“Thanks again, good night, Shaun.” I turn away to open my car door.
He spins me back around and kisses me hard. His tongue pushes into my mouth and he tastes like popcorn and coke, it’s awful. I allow him to kiss me for a little bit to see if I really do hate it as much as I think I do.
With a swirl of his thick tongue he proves he is not the guy for me. I pull back. “Okay, then. Good night, Shaun. Lovely evening, bye!”
“Really?” he asks as I get into the driver’s seat. “Nothing? You felt nothing at all, Shelly?”
“Sorry, I did warn you that I’m not really up to dating right now.” I strap on my seatbelt. “Let’s try not to make things weird at work, okay?”
“You won’t be going out with me anymore, will you?” He leans on my door and looks inside as I toss my cell phone on the passenger seat. The screen lights up and Blake’s precious face fills the screen.
He’s my screen-saver. And, yes, I know that’s sad of me!
“So that’s him, huh?” Shaun asks as he points at my phone.
“Who, that guy?” I ask. “He’s just a random hot guy I used as a screen-saver, nothing more than that.”
“You sure? Because you kiss like a woman who felt she was doing something wrong. Perhaps you felt as if you were cheating on him. What’s his name, Shelly?” His hand trails over the top of my thigh and he looks at me, intent on finding out who the man on my phone is.
“He’s someone I hurt, and he wants nothing more to do with me. So his name is unimportant. See you tomorrow, Shaun.” I move his hand and press my palm to his shoulder, making him get out of the way so I can close my door and leave.
Under Her Skin Page 36