by Alice Ward
While I pondered this question, there was a loud knock on the front door. I frowned and stood up, but Paisley was faster. She ran to the door and pulled it open. I could see her face light up from where I stood. I knew whose name she would say before she spoke.
“Tara!” Paisley squealed.
“Hi,” Tara said. “Can I come in?”
Paisley stood back and let Tara inside. My eyes found hers, and I took in her appearance. She was wearing jeans and a loose t-shirt. Her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail and her face was bare. Her eyes were red, like she’d been crying. I immediately knew something was wrong.
“Hi,” I said weakly. “What are you doing here?”
“Can we talk?” Tara asked. She glanced at Paisley meaningfully, and I knew she wanted privacy.
“Sure,” I said. “Let’s go out back.”
“Okay,” Tara said. She nodded and moved toward me.
“I’ll be right back,” I said to Paisley. “Stay inside, okay?”
“Okay,” Paisley said. She sat down on the couch and returned her attention to the movie.
Tara and I walked to the back of the house and let ourselves outside. I had a small table set up at the back of the yard with a few chairs. I led Tara over to them and gestured for her to sit down. She did, looking at me with a nervous expression. I knew my own face mirrored hers.
“Tara,” I began slowly. “I’m sorry for—”
“You don’t have to apologize,” Tara said quickly. “That’s not why I’m here.”
“Then why are you here?”
“For a couple reasons,” Tara said vaguely. “First, I wanted to ask you. What did Zach mean when he asked if Paisley was really your daughter?”
Her question was blunt and to the point. It took me by surprise, but I quickly recovered. Tara had always been straightforward. Ever since we met, she never beat around the bush. She knew what she wanted, and she asked for it.
I thought about my answer. There was so much that went into Zach’s accusation that I didn’t quite know where to begin. Taking a deep breath, I decided on the beginning.
“Remember when I told you that Claire cheated on me?” I asked softly.
“Yes,” Tara said.
“She left me,” I said. “And there were a lot of reasons for her decision, but the main one was the other man. She started spending more and more time with him, and eventually, she fell for him. I don’t know when exactly their relationship started, but I know it went on for a long time before I found out. And when I did… When I did find out, I was crushed.”
“That’s understandable,” Tara said kindly.
“Yeah,” I said. “But it was partly my fault. Our marriage was far from perfect, but still. I just never imagined she would cheat or that she would leave me for another man.”
“I’m sorry,” Tara said. I knew she meant what she said, but there was an impatient edge to her voice. She didn’t want a recap of what she already knew. She wanted answers.
“The man she cheated with,” I said. “Was Zach.”
Tara’s eyes widened, and her mouth fell open. She hadn’t been expecting that. Just saying it out loud made my heart ache and my throat go dry. For years, I pushed down the pain of Claire’s betrayal and pretended like it didn’t affect me, but it did. It always did.
“Sean,” Tara said, shaking her head in disbelief. “I had no idea. I never would have imagined.”
“Me neither,” I said with a dark laugh. “Who imagines their wife will sleep with their brother?”
“No one,” Tara answered.
“I was a mess,” I admitted softly. “It broke my heart, but I thought we could fix it, you know? I tried to work things out. I begged Claire to just try, but she said no. She was done. And she left.”
“With Paisley?” Tara asked.
“Yes,” I said. “Paisley was just a baby at the time. She was so little. When Claire left, I didn’t have the energy to fight her. She told me Paisley would be better off without me, and I believed her. After all, if I couldn’t make my wife happy, how was I supposed to make my daughter happy? How could I take care of Paisley when my entire world was crashing down around me?”
“Sean,” Tara said firmly. “Paisley isn’t her mother.”
“I know,” I said. “At the time, I didn’t. I just thought it would be better for everyone if I stepped out of the way and let Claire be happy with Zach.”
“But, they weren’t,” Tara said. “Were they?”
“Not for long.” I shook my head. “I don’t know the details. I stopped talking to them both for obvious reasons. Claire and I only communicated when she needed money for Paisley. She and Zach split a long time ago. Paisley didn’t even remember him, so they obviously weren’t together for long. I always wanted to ask Claire about it, but I never did.”
“I’m so sorry,” Tara said. She reached forward and wrapped her hands around mine. “You didn’t deserve that.”
“In a way, I did,” I said. “I’ll never forgive Zach. He was supposed to be my brother, my family, but Claire… She tried for a long time, and I didn’t help. I didn’t make things easy for her.”
“She still shouldn’t have done that,” Tara said firmly.
“No.” I shook my head. “She shouldn’t have, but I always blamed Zach more.”
“I don’t blame you,” Tara said. She shook her head in disgust. “God… All these years, I hated Zach, but I had no idea just how much he deserved it.”
“I’m sorry,” I said suddenly. “You shouldn’t have had to see that the other day. What I did to Zach… It wasn’t right.”
“It’s okay,” Tara said with a smile. “I understand why you did it. I would have punched him if you didn’t, after what he did to Paisley.”
I nodded and held her hands tightly. It felt amazing to have her back with me. I didn’t realize just how much I missed her until I saw her again.
“Listen,” Tara said softly. “There’s something else I need to tell you.”
“What?” I asked.
“After the fight,” she began. “Your father… He collapsed and had to be taken to the hospital.”
I sat up straight and dropped her hands.
“He has a brain tumor,” Tara continued. “Apparently, he’s had it for a while now. He didn’t tell anyone, but after your fight with Zach, he just… His body couldn’t take it, I guess.”
“Is he—” I choked, fear flooding my body.
“He’s alive,” Tara said quickly. “He’s okay for now, but I think you should go see him. It would mean so much to him if you did.”
I leaned back in my chair and shook my head slowly. I knew Tara meant well, but she was wrong. If my fight with Zach caused my father to collapse, then I was the last person he wanted to see. Besides, I wasn’t the son he favored.
“He won’t want to see me,” I said. “When Zach and Claire had their affair, my father stood by Zach. We were all a family back then, but after the affair, Dad took Zach’s side without a second thought. He kept Zach on at the company and didn’t give me a second thought. Trust me, he does not want to see me right now.”
“Yes,” Tara said firmly. “He does. I know him, Sean.”
“So, do I,” I said stubbornly.
“You have to stop thinking that you aren’t good enough,” Tara said with frustration.
“What?”
“You constantly let your insecurities overwhelm you,” she said. “With Claire. With Paisley. With your father.”
“That’s not what this—” I began, but she cut me off.
“It is,” she snapped. “You don’t think you’re good enough for anything. You question whether you should even be a father to Paisley, and that’s just insane. I’ve seen how much you love her and how much she loves you. You are exactly what that little girl needs and you are exactly what your father needs. Sean, he needs you so much right now.”
“I don’t think I can,” I said.
“You have to,” she
insisted. “Because, if you don’t, he’s going to die, and you’ll hate yourself forever. If you don’t say goodbye to him, if you don’t give him a chance to say goodbye to you, then you will never forgive yourself.”
“How do you know?” I asked softly. “How do you know that this isn’t for the best?”
“Because I know you,” she said simply. “You mean more to people than you think. You mean everything to Paisley and to me. And, as much as you don’t want to believe it, you mean everything to your father.”
I blinked, unsure of what to say. Part of me wanted to believe Tara, but a bigger part felt anxious and inadequate. After all these years, did my father even still care about me?
“You have to go see him, Sean,” Tara said. “You have to.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Tara
Sean, Paisley, and I left for the hospital in Sean’s car. I offered to drive, but he needed to feel in control of something. I could tell by the set of his jaw that our visit with Ray was going to be difficult. Sean spent years resenting his father, and now, it was time to say goodbye and Sean didn’t know how to do that. As we drove down the highway, I tried to think of something to say that might calm Sean’s nerves. Nothing came to mind.
When we pulled into the parking lot at the hospital, Sean climbed out of the car and held Paisley’s door open for her. She jumped out, and I joined them on the sidewalk. Sean’s eyes were hard, determined. He picked up Paisley to carry her inside. He seemed to need her comfort more than he wanted to admit. Holding her held him together.
I brushed my fingers against Sean’s arm as we walked inside. He glanced at me with the hint of a smile. It was subtle, almost nonexistent, but it was enough. I didn’t know exactly how to help Sean. All I could do was be there, so that’s what I was determined to do. I would stand by him as long as he wanted. I would hold his hand. I would make sure he wasn’t alone.
Pausing at the nurse’s station, I quickly explained who Sean and Paisley were. The nurse nodded and waved us on. I led the way to Ray’s room and let Sean step inside first. His pace slowed as he crossed the threshold, but he kept moving. Paisley had her arms wrapped tightly around Sean’s neck. She looked a little nervous. After all, we hadn’t explained to her why we were there. For a little girl, hospitals were scary.
“It’s okay,” Sean whispered to her. “There’s just someone I want you to meet.”
I followed Sean into the room, and my eyes fell on Ray. Sean stopped walking and stared. I glanced at him, but he only had eyes for his father. Ray was lying on the bed with his eyes slightly open. His mouth was agape, and I couldn’t tell if he was awake or not. I could see the whites of his eyes but nothing else. He looked tired and old, but peaceful.
“Ray,” I said softly. “Ray, there’s someone here to see you.”
Ray’s eyes flickered open slowly. He blinked a few times before he could focus on our faces. He looked from me to Sean, then to Paisley. His face lit up in a bright smile, and he tried to sit up in bed.
“Don’t,” I said quickly, moving toward him. “You shouldn’t exert yourself right now. Just rest.”
Ray obeyed and fell back against his pillow. He stared at Sean with meaning in his eyes. Sean looked back at him silently. There was so much they both wanted to say that I wasn’t sure either of them knew where to begin.
Finally, Sean cleared his throat and stepped forward. He shifted Paisley in his arms as he approached Ray’s bedside.
“Paisley,” Sean said. “This is your grandpa.”
Ray’s eyes widened at the introduction, and his smile grew even wider. His entire world seemed to light up at Sean’s words.
“Hi Paisley,” Ray said softly. “It’s very nice to see you again.”
“Hi,” Paisley said. She tightened her grip on Sean’s neck. “Are you sick?”
“I am,” Ray said with a nod. “But that’s okay. I don’t feel so bad today.”
“Will you get better?” Paisley asked, her child’s voice too innocent for the room. I gulped and fought back tears. The last thing they needed was to see me cry.
“Probably not,” Ray said. “But that’s okay, too.”
“It is?” Paisley asked. Sean sniffed.
“Yeah.” Ray smiled. “When you’re old like me, things like being sick don’t bother you so much. All I care about is that I got to see you.”
“Really?” Paisley asked.
“Really,” Ray said. “You and your dad.”
“I’m sorry, dad,” Sean said. I couldn’t see his face, but I could hear the emotion in his voice. I wanted to reach out and hold him, but I knew it wasn’t the time.
“No.” Ray shook his head. “No son, I’m the one who needs to apologize. For everything. I never should have shut you out the way I did. Your brother was wrong, and I should have made that clear. I spent so many years trying to be a good father to him because I thought he needed it more, but I was wrong. What I did wasn’t fair. You deserved better.”
“I…” Sean began, but he quickly fell silent again. Instead, he reached forward and took Ray’s hand in his. Ray smiled and his eyelids began to drop heavily. He blinked a few times and forced his eyes back open, but I knew it was a struggle for him to stay awake.
“Listen,” Ray said, his voice stronger than I expected. “Nothing was ever your fault, okay? Nothing. You made mistakes, sure, but we all have. I didn’t stand by your brother because I thought he was right. I stood by him because I was afraid of what might happen to him without me. You? I always knew you would be okay, Sean. You have always been the strongest of us all.”
“I’m not strong,” Sean said weakly.
“You are,” Ray insisted. “You always have been, and you need to know that. You, son, are an amazing father to that little girl right there. She is incredibly lucky to have you. I’m just sorry I wasn’t a better father to you. I’m sorry for so much. I’m sorry for everything.”
“It’s okay,” Sean said quickly. “It’s okay, Dad. I forgive you. I forgive you.”
Ray smiled, and I saw him hold tighter to Sean’s hand. Sean frowned and glanced down at their interlocked hands. His expression told me it was time to take Paisley outside. Ray was starting to look worse. His exhaustion was getting the better of him.
“Sean,” I said softly. “Do you want me to…”
“Yes,” Sean said, reading my mind. “That would be good. Thank you.”
I nodded and hurried forward. I stepped up to Ray’s bedside and smiled down at him. Slowly, I leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.
“Get some rest,” I said to him. “Goodbye, Ray.”
I don’t know what inspired me to say my goodbyes, but I knew it was time. Ray’s eyes found mine. He smiled at me gratefully but didn’t speak. He just held my gaze for a few seconds before his eyes fell closed again.
“Come on,” I said, turning around. Sean set Paisley down, and I held out my hand for her to take. “Let’s go outside for a little bit.”
“Okay,” Paisley said. She looked at Ray and added, “Bye, grandpa.”
“Bye, angel,” Ray whispered. “Be good.”
My heart ached as I took one last look at Ray. I ran my fingers down Sean’s arm as I passed him. His eyes closed at my touch, but he didn’t speak. I passed him, and he stepped closer to his father. Paisley and I walked out into the hallway, her tiny hand wrapped safely in mine. I led her to a row of chairs a few feet away and gestured for her to sit down.
She climbed into a chair and curled her feet beneath her. Her hands were folded together, and she fixed her eyes on the wall in front of her. She looked so little sitting there. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold her, but I wasn’t sure how she would feel about that. She’d been through so much in the last couple months. Losing her mother, moving in with Sean, what happened with Zach… and now, this.
It couldn’t have been easy for Paisley. There were so many emotions swirling through all of us, and she was so young. I knew she
couldn’t quite understand everything that was happening, but on some level, she knew it was important. She could sense the love between her father and her grandfather. It was good that we came. Sean and Paisley would both be sad, but they would have this memory to hold onto. One final day of bittersweet happiness with Ray.
“Is he going to die?” Paisley asked suddenly.
“Um…” I began. I glanced back at Ray’s hospital room, unsure of what to say.
“He said he probably wouldn’t get better,” Paisley said. “And if he doesn’t get better, that means he’s going to die, right?”
“I think so,” I admitted. “I’m sorry, Paisley.”
“It’s okay,” Paisley nodded. “I understand.”
“Do you?” I asked with a frown.
“Yes,” Paisley said. “Everyone has to leave sometime, right? When we get old or sick or if there’s an accident, we go somewhere else.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I guess we do.”
“I think it’s okay, though,” Paisley said with confidence. “I think the place we go is better.”
“You think so?” I asked, my eyes filling with tears.
“Yeah,” Paisley said. “It is. I don’t know where it is, but I know it’s better.”
“I think you’re right,” I said. I reached over to hold her small hand just as Sean stepped into the hallway. He called for a nurse, and three people came running down the hall. I stood up, but Sean motioned for me to stay where I was.
Dread filled my lungs, and I forgot how to breathe. I sunk down into my chair and held tight to Paisley’s hand. Without knowing how, I knew what was happening in Ray’s hospital room. I could sense it. So, when Sean finally walked out with tears streaming down his cheeks, I didn’t have to ask what was wrong. We knew. We all knew.
Sean walked over to us, and I stood up. Paisley stayed in her chair, watching us closely. Sean looked from my face to Paisley’s and then back again. He shook his head slowly, opening his mouth silently. Words failed him.
I stepped forward and pulled him into my arms. He held onto me quickly, like he was afraid I might slip away. I could feel his body shaking against mine, but no sobs escaped his lips. I didn’t know if he was trying to stay strong for Paisley or if he just wasn’t the type to break. Either way, I knew it was my job to be his strength. I promised Ray I would look after Sean, but even if I had never made that promise, I still would have been there.