In the middle, across one wall there was a huge bookcase and several brown leather armchairs, perfect for curling up in and reading one of the hundreds of books that were on offer, everything from the classics – Treasure Island, Robinson Crusoe, the works of Shakespeare – to James Bond books, a huge Tolkien collection and the entire Harry Potter series.
Next to where she stood in stunned silence was a huge pool table and a large black piano. Gone was the white walls of her childhood, it was replaced with the warm autumn colours of red, gold and rich creams. The doorway between the dining room and study had also been removed – it was here that her dad had marked her and Alex’s height every year on their birthdays.
Finn moved towards a door at the end and waited for her there. On shaky legs she followed him.
‘This is the kitchen.’ He pushed the door open.
But it wasn’t her kitchen that met her, in fact there was nothing recognisable about it at all. It had been incorporated into the conservatory. The wicker chairs and flowered walls she remembered were also gone. The whole of the back wall of the house was now glass, there was also three large sky lights making the room bright. The wooden kitchen units had been replaced with sleek cream ones, with black granite surfaces. There was a breakfast bar with bar stools in the middle and a vast dining table with eight black leather chairs up one end.
She wandered over to the window that had views of the back garden, and in the distance the river that curled through the surrounding fields and woods like a silver ribbon. The back garden had just been a patch of grass with the large oak tree on one side – now it had shape, flowers and plants spilt over from borders that had never been there before. There were huge pots that held more plants on the wooden decking. There was stepping stones, leading to several benches that were dotted round the sides. And up in the oak tree was a great tree house, complete with curtained windows and a little front door.
Finn opened the back door, letting the heat spill onto the warm terracotta tiles.
‘Are you ok? Do you want to sit down for a minute?’
Had he asked that because she’d gone pale, because her breathing was erratic, because her eyes were wide with panic? Her heart was racing, her brain was buzzing, she felt numb.
‘I just need a few minutes,’ she said as she walked out into the garden, hoping that he wouldn’t follow her. She walked up to one of the furthest benches and sat down staring back at the house.
It was no longer her home, that was the problem. In her rose-tinted view of the world, the farmhouse would still be there waiting for her, exactly as she had left it eleven years before. She had mentally prepared herself that the décor would be different but nothing had prepared her for the completely different house that she had just walked round. There had been nothing of her childhood home left, that home now only existed in her memories. She felt an enormous sense of loss all of a sudden.
Finn approached with a glass of water. He slowed warily as he drew nearer; eyeing her like she was a wild animal. He passed her the glass and sat down next to her. He didn’t speak though; probably thinking she was a right nut job.
‘All this time I’ve been searching for a place that I could call home, but I never found it. I realise now that I wasn’t waiting for that special something, that secret missing ingredient that I just couldn’t put my finger on. Nowhere matched up because I didn’t want anywhere else, the only home I wanted was this place. I knew that one day I would come home and subconsciously anything in between was just a stopgap so I never allowed myself to fall in love with it. Beautiful houses, perfect towns and villages and I turned my back on all of them because it wasn’t here. And now I find that the home I was longing to return to has gone. There’s nothing for me here either.’
She looked down to see her hand in his again.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. It’s a beautiful house; you’ve done an amazing job with it. It’s a proper home now and one day you will fill it with a wife and children. That’s how it should be.’
She passed him back the glass and stood up but he caught her hand.
‘You still have your memories Joy, no matter where you live you will always have them. Being physically closer to them won’t make those memories more real. You keep them alive by remembering them, by talking about them.’
‘You’re right.’ It had been silly to hold out for this place. As Alex had said, the memories were in her heart not the four walls of her childhood home. ‘I guess I was just scared that the memories were fading and I was trying to cling onto them in any way I could.’
‘Well if you want to come up here, any time, if you want to make mud pies in the garden or play in the barn, you’re more than welcome.’
She smiled, her heart swelling a little bit more for him.
‘I’m glad you bought it. It’s good to know it’s in safe hands. And Mum would have loved what you’ve done to the place.’
He stood up. ‘Shall I take you home?’
‘No I’m fine, I’d like to walk.’ She reached up and Finn obliged by bending his head down. She kissed him on the cheek. ‘Thanks for taking care of it.’
With that she walked back round the side of the house, whistling for Darcy as she went. Though the loss hurt, it was now tinged with a sense of relief. She could never go back home now, so she could stop waiting. She could finally draw a line under that part of her life and make a real effort to settle in one place. It was time to stop running.
She had the housewarming barbeque that night. Maybe she could make some real friends here in Bramble Hill, maybe her house could finally be the home she had been searching for.
*
When she got home she phoned Alex. He had been worried by her plans to buy the farm. It was a cathartic release to be able to honestly tell him she no longer wanted to live there, that for the first time in her life she was looking to the future. Alex couldn’t disguise the relief from his voice; he had been concerned that she couldn’t let go of the past.
They chatted for a while and then she remembered Rose.
‘Alex, do you remember a lady called Rose, a friend of Mum’s?’
There was silence for a moment. ‘Rosie, yes I do. I haven’t seen her since I was about eight, she just stopped coming round. She had two boys, I remember Caz but I can’t remember the little one’s name.’
‘Zach, he vandalised the side of our barn with a can of spray paint. Mum smacked his bum. She and Rose had a big row over it and never spoke since.’
‘Oh, that explains a lot. Wow, Mum never hit us, she must have been really mad. I was gutted, when they stopped coming. Caz was brilliant, so funny and cute.’
She smiled, hugely. ‘Caz as in Casey, Casey Fallowfield?’
‘Caz Fallowfield, that’s it.’ Alex gasped. ‘Oh my god, is that the Casey that text me the other day?’
‘Yes, small world or what?’
‘I guess it was bound to happen, you living so close to where we grew up.’
‘Look, I better go, my barbeque is supposed to start shortly.’
‘Have fun kid, I better go to sleep. We’re kidnapping the prime minister at midnight.’
‘Well that sounds like much more fun than my little barbeque.’
‘I don’t know, I’d rather be there with you.’
She smiled, her heart aching a little bit. ‘Love you Al.’
‘Love you too, always.’
*
It was late by the time Finn got back from the wedding rehearsal. Zach and Casey had stayed up at their mum’s house chatting and socialising with the elite. He had no part in that world and didn’t want to. He loved Casey’s mum dearly, as much as he loved his own parents, but the dinner parties and balls that she continually invited him to held no interest for him.
He went up to his room, determined to be out of his suit and tie as quick as he could. As he slid the tie off his neck, he noticed the fairy lights strung across the trees next door. He stepped closer to the w
indow and saw twinkling decorations adorning every fence, tree and bush and around the roof of the summer house. Candles were in jam jars and dotted periodically throughout the garden. It looked beautiful. The embers on the barbeque seemed to be dying out, and a table covered in plates and bowls of food seemed to have been demolished. It looked like the end of a good party. Just then a whoosh of light exploded from the garden, shattering glittering gold stars into the night sky. Fireworks. So the party must still be in full swing.
He turned to go down and join her, then stopped himself. Just because he had taken her to the farm earlier, it didn’t make them friends. He didn’t want to be friends with her, because as her brother so wisely said, men and women couldn’t be friends. It would soon develop into something more and he didn’t want something more. He never wanted to be hurt again like Pippa had hurt him. He turned back to the window then, cursing himself, he stormed down the stairs. He did say he would go when he came back after all.
He let himself through the connecting gate and watched what was obviously a slightly tipsy Joy light another firework and then run quickly away from it before it exploded. She was wearing a long black floaty dress that clung at the breast and floated down to her ankles – she was barefoot, her long hair trailing down her back. The firework lit up the garden for a moment, sending silvery shadows across the lawn, long enough for Finn to see Joy was completely alone. There was music playing on a nearby stereo, The Killers’ Mr Brightside, which Joy was cheerily singing along to, as she poured herself a glass of dubious looking brown liquid from a punch bowl.
‘Joy?’
She whirled around spilling most of the brown liquid on the floor.
‘Finn! You came!’ A huge smile split her face from ear to ear. ‘Would you like a drink? I have alcoholic punch, which tastes like shit, and non-alcoholic punch which also tastes like shit, or I’ve got a beer which might be a bit warm as it’s been outside for a while.’
‘Warm beer is fine.’
‘Good cos I’m not really sure which is the alcoholic punch anymore.’
She passed him a beer and skipped across the lawn to light another firework. It boomed blue lightning across the sky.
He sipped his beer and watched her.
‘Good party?’
‘I had a great time. The burgers tasted great, I made them myself, the salad didn’t get eaten, but then it never does at barbeques. I have danced for most of the night and I might be a tiny bit tipsy. So yep a bloody great party.’ She took another swig from her dubious punch, and he smiled for her. Maybe the villagers had been persuaded by her note, or at least some of her friends had obviously been and gone. ‘No one came,’ she said, as she lit another firework. ‘But it was still a great party.’
‘What do you mean no one came, you mean none of the villagers?’
She ran as fast as she could away from the firework, covering her ears, grinning, hugely. ‘This one’s a big one. The Finale.’
He waited. She waited. But there was nothing.
‘Stupid thing,’ she muttered, moving to go back to it. He caught her arm and pulled her back.
‘Have you never heard of the old adage; never go back to a firework once it’s been lit?’
‘That’s just an old wives’ tale, like don’t go swimming after you’ve eaten or don’t eat yellow snow.’
He laughed and was surprised by the sound of it. It had been a long time since he had laughed. ‘I’m not sure about the swimming after you’ve eaten one, but not eating yellow snow sounds like good advice.’
‘It probably just needs to be relit, or I could give it a kick or something.’
‘And lose your foot or your face in the process, I don’t think so.’
‘Spoilsport, that was The Finale.’
‘So you said, but not this time my love.’ He froze. Did he just call her “my love”? Luckily she hadn’t noticed. ‘What did you mean, no one came?’
‘Just that. It was just me and Darcy all night. Until you arrived.’
His heart bled for her. ‘No one. What about your friends?’
‘I don’t have any.’ She laughed. ‘No, that’s not true. I have brilliant friends. When I went to university I spent four years in the pockets of Libby, Annie, Suzie and Eve. We all studied Fine Art and Sculpture. We were inseparable. We went everywhere, did everything together. But when we graduated Libby went back to the furthest northern shores of Scotland, Suzie went back to Jersey, Annie went back to Iceland and the last I heard Eve now lives on a ranch in Texas, married to a huge cowboy called Red, with five equally huge children. God I miss them. We all stay in touch with Skype or email but obviously we don’t see each other that often.’
‘So everyone went back home and you didn’t have a home to return to? What did you do?’
She smiled darkly. ‘When university finished I was in the middle of a passionate whirlwind affair with Jake Aldbury, a guest speaker that had talked to us about carving wood. He was such a marvellous man – he had travelled the world, he’d seen so much and he could do things with wood I couldn’t even begin to do. Jake taught me so much about wood carving and the sex was amazing. When he travelled to Italy, I went with him. Then he travelled to Australia and I went too. We parted ways soon after that, but I had the travelling bug and as you said, I had no home to return to, so I didn’t see any point in coming back. I spent the next four years travelling the world. I worked in bars, I danced on tables…’
She laughed when she saw his angry face.
‘No not like topless dancing. I worked in one of those fifties style restaurants in San Francisco, where the waiters are costumed. Mainly I was Rizzo from Grease, but sometimes I was Marilyn Monroe in a blonde wig, apparently I had the tits for it.’
He refused to let his eyes wander to them to check them out.
‘So I was dancing on tables, cleaning hotels, I washed cars, delivered pizzas and in between I’m carving, whittling, sculpting wood and selling my pieces to tourists. The Aboriginals and the Native Americans taught me a lot about carving wood too. Then I met a chainsaw artist, and that was inspiring. I went to every single little pocket of the world, – Alaska, Easter Island, Christmas Island, Greenland, Thailand, New Zealand – and I met the most amazing people who I still keep in touch with, but unfortunately they’re all a bit far away to be coming to my little barbeque. I came back to England three years ago and for a while I was involved with Ed, he had loads of friends and suddenly I did too, but after what happened…’ she trailed off, frowning.
‘What happened?’
‘Nothing, it doesn’t matter.’ Leading Finn to believe it did.
‘Did he cheat on you?’
‘No.’
‘Did you cheat on him?’
Anger exploded in her eyes. ‘No, I would never do that, never.’
‘Then what?’
‘It doesn’t matter, we broke up and suddenly all my friends, his friends that had been so nice to me in the year that me and Ed had been together, well as soon as Ed dropped me, they went back to being just his friends again. In the last two years, I haven’t been anywhere longer than three months. You don’t tend to make lasting friendships when you’ve only known someone for a month or two. So although I have friends, none of them live close. Oh listen to me warble on. My mouth does seem to disengage itself from my brain when I’m drunk. You should just tell me to shut up. Oh I love this song.’ She started dancing, swirling round in circles, her arms above her head as she started to sing to Cyndi Lauper’s Time after Time.
He watched her, his heart physically aching for her. Every single one of the villagers had snubbed her. She’d been thrown in a pond, been in a fight, had dog shit posted through her letterbox and she was still dancing. Nothing seemed to keep her down. It seemed she had gotten very good at being on her own, creating her own fun, but it shouldn’t be like that. She needed a friend. He could be her friend.
‘Dance with me Finn.’ She held out a hand for him and he instinctively took it, w
ith the other hand at her waist, pulling her close against him. She tried to loop her arm round his neck, but she couldn’t reach so she settled for her hand on his shoulder instead, leaning her head against his chest. With her warmth, her smell, her body against his; a wave of desire crashed through him like he had never felt before. He’d had girlfriends in the past, women he had found attractive, but right then he wanted Joy like a drug addict wanted heroin. He nearly pushed her away – the need for her, to have her, was so strong.
Just then the redundant firework blew up with a deafening boom, Joy jolted a bit and he automatically pulled her closer. Ribbons of gold, silver and red shot across the sky and they both looked up, admiring the view.
As the light faded from her eyes and she stared into his, he knew they could never be friends, not when he was now seemingly falling in love with her.
Chapter Seven
Joy woke the next day, her head was pounding, her mouth was dry. She was in bed, in her pyjamas with no recollection of how she got there. Her head was sticking out the bottom of the bed, but then she always did wriggle around a lot in her dreams when she was drunk. She sat up carefully, holding her head in her hands when it pounded with the excessive movement.
Images of the night before flooded through her mind. The barbeque, the fireworks, Finn, dancing with Finn. She had felt so safe there in his arms, so protected. She suddenly groaned as her cheeks burned red. She remembered trying to kiss him. She remembered him stepping back from her, pushing her gently but firmly away, before he disappeared back through the gate without another word. The shame of rejection washed through her.
Darcy rolled over, resting her great head in Joy’s lap, her beautiful doleful eyes staring up at her.
Joy stroked her ears. ‘Oh Darcy, maybe I really should just stick my nose up Finn’s butt, it seems to work for you.’
Suddenly, Joy heard a spluttering, a coughing from next door – it was so loud, so clear it was almost as if Finn was in the room with her. It sounded like he had just drank some water and spat it out again. Had he choked on it in shock over what she’d just said? If she could hear him coughing so clearly, he would definitely be able to hear her speaking. She was sure her cheeks were glowing crimson right now.
Beneath the Moon and the Stars Page 9