by Bea Paige
“Lights,” I say into the pitch dark. Max had explained to me earlier about the voice activated system and how to use it. They blare on, and I have to cover my eyes from the glare. “Dim lights,” I add quickly. They dim to a better level and I am able to see without my eyes watering.
Pulling back the covers, I slide to the edge of the bed. Thanks to Calum, who had brought up my suitcase earlier, I’m wearing a clean t-shirt and pyjama shorts. He’d stayed briefly to tell me that Nisha had settled in and was enjoying watching Netflix on the TV in her room. I had smiled at that. We didn’t have a TV at the flat, and no money to afford the licence meant we had only each other for entertainment. Max had put my clothes away in the walk-in wardrobe despite my protests, whilst Bryce and I had chatted over the chicken salad he’d made me. We talked about silly stuff, TV shows we liked, what they’d been doing at work, what I’d be doing once I’d recovered enough. It was nice. I think they realised that I’d had enough for one day and bringing up anything more serious was a no go. Eventually exhaustion had got the better of me and Max and Bryce had said goodnight.
I glance at the digital radio on the side table next to the bed. It’s midnight, I’ve been asleep for less than four hours. Sighing, I get up and head for the bedroom door, opening it slightly so I can hear better. The shouting continues. I’m pretty sure it’s Bryce and Hudson.
“I need to see her. Get out of my goddamn way, Bryce,” Hudson says. His voice is slurred. It’s obvious he’s drunk. Shit.
“No. You need to sober up first.”
“Get the fuck out of my way!”
I hear a scuffle and I pull open the door. There is no way I’m going to let them argue over me. If Hudson wants to see me, then he can. It’s not as if I haven’t dealt with a drunk before. Striding towards the commotion, I push open the door along the corridor from mine. Bryce is holding Hudson in a head lock and Max is trying to persuade Bryce to let him go.
“What the hell are you doing?” I ask.
Bryce’s head snaps up, and he releases his hold on Hudson, who falls to his knees. “I asked you a question,” I say, placing my hands on my hips.
“Louisa…” Bryce starts.
Hudson pushes up from the floor. He looks horrific; thin, drawn. There are huge black circles under his eyes, which are bloodshot and rheumy.
“Louisa,” he slurs, stumbling towards me. Max moves forward and catches his arm, hauling him upright.
“Louisa, you should leave,” Max says.
“No. One of you needs to get Hudson some coffee and a couple painkillers.” I look at Bryce. He needs a few minutes to cool off.
“Fine, I’ll do it,” he says through clenched teeth.
“Good.”
As he walks past, he touches me on the hand, stopping by my side. “You don’t have to do this, Louisa.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. This is exactly what I need to do.”
“Fine,” he sighs. “I’ll be back in a minute.” He looks over his shoulder at Max, shooting Hudson a disgusted look. “If he acts up, you lay him out, okay.”
Max’s eyebrows shoot up. “Jesus, Bryce. That’s a bit excessive.”
“He doesn’t touch Louisa. Got it?”
Max blows out his breath. “Got it.”
I squeeze Bryce’s fingers. “It’ll be okay.”
Hudson allows Max to guide him to an armchair in the corner of the room. He sits down heavily upon it, placing his head in his hands. Max stands back.
I approach him and kneel on the floor, pressing my fingers against Hudson’s arm. He recoils, so I pull them away.
“Hudson…” I say gently.
“You left me…” The words come out in a mumble, but I hear them loud and clear. I hear the pain in them, the rejection.
“Why did you leave me?” He sits back up, his green eyes filled with hurt.
Max crouches next to me. “Hud, we told you why. Louisa lost her mum. She was hurting.”
“I’m fucking hurting,” he shouts. I flinch at the ferocity of his words. It’s unexpected. This man before me isn’t the cool, calm, and collected man I knew back in France. He is raw, and broken and vulnerable.
“I’m sorry, there’s no excuse for how I behaved,” I say gently.
“Yes, there is. Your mum died!” Max insists.
“She did. But that’s not the only reason why I left the way I did.”
I’m prevented from explaining further when Bryce re-enters the room holding a steaming mug of coffee. He strides over to Hudson. They glare at each other. Or rather, Bryce glares at Hudson. Hudson is doing a lot less glaring and a lot more swaying.
“Drink it,” Bryce says, handing over the coffee.
Hudson ignores him, trying instead to focus on me. “You’re hurt…” he says, frowning. Through the haze of his drunken state I can tell he is trying to process that. He reaches forward as if to touch me, but his hand falls away.
“I’ll be fine,” I say, as much to myself as to him.
“Why did you do it?” he asks, pulling himself upright. He takes a sip of his coffee.
I push my fingertips against my eyes, then sit on the floor in front of him. This is it. This is my chance to explain how I feel. How I felt that day we returned to the chalet, how I’ve felt ever since.
“You have to understand that those few days in the cabin with you all were intense, overwhelming… I’ve never felt that way before and I’m not just talking about the sex.” I bite at my fingernail, not certain how to carry on. They all wait. Hudson is clutching the mug in his lap, his knuckles white. I can feel both Bryce and Max’s gaze on me, but I don’t look at them, afraid I’ll lose courage.
“My mum was a broken woman. Her heart shattered, unfixable, over my father, a man I never knew. For years I watched her spiral into a bleak place. She didn’t love me enough to pull herself out. Mum blocked me out, she pushed me away. She was cruel, hateful, but I loved her, despite all that. I went back time and again like some fucking stray dog, loyal to a fault, hoping she would finally change. I thought my love for her would be enough to make her sober. I hoped I would be enough. I never was.”
“Louisa, you don’t have to do this,” Max says, settling beside me. He rests his hands on my arm. His touch is reassuring. It gives me the strength to continue.
“She brought a different man home every night. Some stayed for a time, some were good and some not so much.” My lip trembles with the memories, but I swallow the emotion that is threatening to erupt. “I thought that was what love was. The constant rows, the physical and emotional abuse. I saw these men tear into my mum and she took it all. I watched, helpless, while men used and abused her, while she drank herself into oblivion most nights. It breaks my heart that her love for my dad did that to her. That his rejection, his inability to love her like she had loved him, had reduced her to that pitiful state. When I was fourteen, she had one boyfriend who was particularly sadistic. I came home from school one day to find her close to death. He had beaten her so bad she was hospitalised for a month. I grew up quickly that summer. I also vowed I would protect myself from heartache, I would build walls no one could break down. Richard, the man who got me the job at the resort, he is the only person, aside from Nisha, who has come close to chipping away at that wall.” I sigh, picking at a loose thread of cotton hanging from my top. My hands are shaking.
Bryce kneels beside me, taking my hands in his. “I’m sorry,” he says. “Don’t feel you have to say any more. I get it, Louisa. I grew up in a house filled with violence. I get it.”
“Let Louisa say what she needs to say,” Hudson says. His voice is neutral, guarded, but at least he isn’t angry anymore. He also seems to have sobered up quickly. I guess stories of a crappy childhood can do that to a person.
“When Richard offered me the opportunity to get away from that life to work as a chalet girl I refused at first. Still that loyal puppy. Still waiting for Mum to sober up, still waiting for her to love me.”
�
��What made you change your mind?” Max asks.
“She did. I was late back with her vodka. I think she called me a ‘good for nothing piece of shit’. I decided then and there that enough was enough. So, I took the job.” I look up at Hudson, catching his eye. He stares at me for a long time. “Then I happened to get upgraded to a seat in club class by an air stewardess who seemed to take pity on me. That’s when I first laid eyes on you three.”
“I remember,” Hudson says quietly.
“You were laughing and joking about the air stewardesses… You kind of pissed me off.”
Bryce laughs. “You certainly put Hud in his place. I remember liking you instantly. There aren’t many people who can leave Hudson speechless.”
“We got off to a rocky start. You made assumptions about me and I heard the rumours about you. I guess I made a few assumptions of my own.”
“They were probably right,” Max says, with a light laugh.
“You were all dealing with your own shit, like I was dealing with mine,” I say, shrugging my shoulders. “Then somehow after the party we became friends. You know, I started to feel as though I was part of a family, even if it was only in my head… Then we went to the cabin.”
“You regret it?” Hudson asks quietly.
“No, I don’t regret it. What happened at the cabin… Christ, just to be with you all laughing, talking, that would have been enough for me. For a brief time, I felt normal. I could pretend that I didn’t have a fucked-up Mum, I could forget my shitty past, the home I would go back to. You made me feel wanted, and I’ve never in my whole life felt that. Then there was the way you touched me. For someone like me who’s never had a proper physical relationship with anyone, not even past boyfriends. I don’t mean the sex, I’ve had sex. I mean the way you all held me. It made me feel safe, loved, I guess. As stupid and unrealistic as that might sound, it was a big thing for me. It still is. I wanted to stay there with you all forever. That’s the honest truth.” I take a ragged breath, shifting slightly on my bottom. “Then the storm passed, and we headed back to the resort, to reality, and that little bubble we had floating around us burst. That night I got the phone call from Richard. It felt like a sign.”
“A sign?” Bryce asks.
“Yes. My mum’s way of telling me I could never be happy, that she would always be the one to break my heart. It was then I realised that you all had the potential to break it too. You see, I’d let you in. I let you in to a place I’ve protected my whole life and it scared me. I ran from you all because I couldn’t bear the thought you’d break my heart just like she had. I left because I was afraid of what I was feeling. I’m still afraid…” My voice trails off. The room is so silent I can hear the clock ticking on the wall. I stand, looking at each of them in turn.
“So, now you know.”
I wait for one of them to say something, and when it gets beyond the point of being uncomfortable I walk from the room, my heart heavy in my chest.
Chapter Eight
As soon as I return to my room I get into the bed and pull the covers up around me. “Dim lights,” I say, my voice wobbling. I’ve just revealed my heart to them, and they said nothing. A sob escapes my throat as I lay in the dark. I hear low voices next door and wonder what they are talking about. A horrible cloud of doubt settles over me, they are probably trying to find ways to let me down gently. Perhaps I’d said too much too soon. Curling onto my side, I close my eyes and try to ignore the ache in my heart. Sleep doesn’t come, so I remain like that, wide-eyed in the dark, for what feels like hours.
Some time later, the door to my room eases open and I see Bryce step inside. Max follows, shutting the door behind him. There is barely any light, but I can just about make them out as they climb onto the bed, my eyes having got used to the dark since I’ve been awake so long.
“What are you doing?” I whisper quietly, afraid this is all a dream and I am about to wake up.
Bryce gently curves his body around my own, clutching me to his chest. “We want you to know that you will always remain safe within our arms, darling.”
I smile in the dark at that, feeling instantly happy at his words. He understood me, they both did. On the other side Max scoots close to me, presses a light kiss against my forehead, then he settles himself down, takes my hand in his and pulls it against his chest.
“Hey, Icy. I hope you don’t mind us coming in here to warm you up?”
“Of course not. What took you so long?” I whisper.
“Stupidity mostly,” Bryce chuckles, the sound reverberating through my back, he’s so close.
I am sandwiched between them. It feels wonderful, except for one thing. Hudson isn’t with them.
“Hudson?”
“He’s sleeping off the alcohol. This isn’t a rejection from him. He wants to be sober when he speaks with you next. For now, we’ll have to do,” Bryce says, pressing a light kiss into the curve of my neck.
“Hey, I care about you all equally,” I say in mock defence.
“We know you do,” Bryce says, pulling me closer against his back, nuzzling his lips against the crook of my neck.
Max presses his lips against my knuckles. “We want you to know that this is just the beginning, Icy. The first night of the rest of our lives. We’re not going anywhere. So long as you’ll have us.”
“Okay,” I whisper. My heart soars.
The feeling of being encased between them both makes me feel safe, loved. Both are aroused, I can feel the hardness of their cocks pressing against me, but they make no move to try and initiate sex. This is their way of showing me how they care, how they understand what I need from them most of all. That I need to feel safe. I can’t deny that I am turned on, that every inch of my skin pressed against theirs is fizzing with sensation, but my exhaustion overrules that desire. Lying here in their arms is enough.
Before long I can hear the soft, even breaths of Max and Bryce sleeping, and I find my thoughts wandering to Hudson as I too drift off to sleep.
I awake the next morning to loud music being played. It startles me out of my sleep and I jerk awake. A sharp pain stabs me in the side. “Fuck a duck,” I say.
“Fuck a duck?” Max laughs softly. He is still pressed close to me, his face not far from my own.
“Just a funny saying I picked up.” I grin, then stop when my lip starts stinging.
Max lifts his fingers to my face, his warm brown eyes taking me in.
“That arsehole who did this to you, he deserves to be beaten to a pulp. No one is ever going to touch you again.”
“Hey,” I say, pressing my hand against his chest. “I don’t want any of you getting into trouble on my behalf. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”
Max frowns, a muscle feathering in his jaw. “We won’t, of course we won’t, but every time I think about what could have happened if Bryce hadn’t turned up when he did, I find myself wanting to commit murder. When Bryce told us the full story last night I was fucking furious. I still am. If Hudson hadn’t been so drunk there is no doubt in my mind he would have hunted the man down and killed him, no matter what Bryce said.”
“Is that what you were talking about? When you didn’t say anything after…” I stop. I know I am being ridiculous, that them both being here with me now should be enough for me not to feel insecure.
“What, Louisa?”
“None of you said anything… After I explained why I left the way I did, why I am the way I am, you didn’t say anything. I thought you didn’t care.”
Max’s palm presses against my cheek. “No, no that wasn’t it at all. I’m sorry we made you feel that way. Why do you think we came in here? We wanted you to feel safe. We wanted to be with you. Hud too. Like Bryce said last night, he wanted to be sober. He felt ashamed.”
“I know that now. Old habits die hard,” I say gently. Leaning forward, I press my lips against Max’s mouth. I don’t care that it stings, all I want to do is kiss him. Max responds gently, aware that my lip is
sore. It is a beautiful kiss, soft, tender, and yet still passionate, the soft delicate press of his mouth against mine.
“God, Louisa, I want to make love to you. But I don’t want to hurt you.” Max pulls away. His blonde hair has fallen over his eyes and I brush it back.
“There are other things we can do.” The words slip from my mouth in a breathy rush.
“Louisa, don’t tempt me,” Max says, his deep brown eyes lighting up with need.
Behind me, I feel Bryce stir. His firm body presses against mine as his warm hand absentmindedly strokes along my thigh.
“Morning, gorgeous,” he says sleepily.
“Morning,” Max responds.
Bryce lifts his head and reaches over to gently punch his brother. “I wasn’t talking to you!”
“Well, why not? I’m offended. I’ll have you know, it’s common knowledge that I’m the most handsome of the Freed brothers.”
Bryce laughs. “Yeah, as if. You’re just a grown-up version of a puny skater dude.”
“Funny, ha ha.” Max grins, not in the least bit annoyed. “Well, at least I’m not gorilla man. You’ve got more hair on your chest than you have on your head.”
I giggle at that. Bryce is hairy, but I like it.
“Hey, don’t encourage him,” Bryce says lightly. “I thought you liked my manliness?”
I twist my head to the side, catching his eye. “Oh, I do, very much so.”
He presses a soft kiss against my cheek. “Well, that’s alright then. Did you sleep well?”
“I did, thank you,” I say, twisting my body slightly to face him. The action has me wincing with the pain.
“Hey, go easy,” Bryce says. “Max has already arranged an appointment for you today. I want you checked over, just so we know you’re okay.”
“Sure, if you want, but I doubt there’ll be much he can do.”
“She,” Bryce corrects me.
“You have a female doctor? That figures.”
“She’s old enough to be my mother,” Bryce says in mock offence.
“Yeah, Dr Salahan is a lovely older woman, but not really our type. She’ll be able to prescribe more painkillers at least.” Max sits up in bed and pulls back the covers. “Blinds,” he says. Bright sunlight pours into the bedroom as the blinds lift. The day is bright and clear. No rain this morning. I am hoping it’s a good sign.