I did want her. For some incomprehensible reason, I fucking wanted her. And for the second time in my life, I had no idea what to do with that knowledge. With Jenny, I’d flirted mercilessly. Appointed myself as her personal shadow, refusing to allow her the opportunity to meet a better guy. I’d joked, I’d teased, I’d done everything and anything that came to mind in hopes it would work.
But that was then, and this was different. I didn’t flirt; I wasn’t even sure I remembered how. I didn’t joke, and I sure as hell didn’t tease. But just like with Jenny, flirting and teasing aside, I was still going in blind.
Did I even want to fuck her? I didn’t actually know. Yeah, I wanted her, and yeah, I wanted to touch her, and I definitely wanted her here with me. But past that, I really didn’t know. And because I didn’t know, I didn’t press further. I just continued to sit there with her standing between my legs, my hands on her hips as I stared up at her.
She moved first, half stepping, half falling into me, and wrapped her arms around my neck as she sank down to her knees. The movement caused my hands to travel up her body, pulling up the sides of her shirt until I was holding her rib cage, touching her bare skin.
We stayed like that for a while, her kneeling between my legs, her arms around my neck, her face pressed against the space between my chin and my chest, and me with my hands on her sides, just holding her.
It was Autumn who pulled away, just a few inches, and raised her head. I stared down into her eyes, noticing for the first time that there were flecks of brown and yellow within the gray. And Christ, she was so delicate. Everything about her—her small button features, her big wide eyes, even her hair appeared fine.
I couldn’t fuck her. I couldn’t ruin this girl.
But I could kiss her. Cupping the back of her head, I bent forward, watching her intently as I brought our faces together. Her breath hitched, her eyelids lowered, and her lips parted.
I wanted to be gentle with her, but fuck me, I didn’t know how, or was even sure I was capable of it. But the moment our mouths touched, what little effort I’d put into attempting to be gentle quickly fled. Sliding my tongue roughly past her lips, I delved deep inside before retreating quickly. Then, not bothering with even half a breath, I covered her entire mouth with mine, biting and sucking on her bottom lip before dipping back inside, even deeper this time.
She moaned softly, a sound that both surprised me and amped me up. My body hardened, growing hungrier by the second as I bent forward and wrapped my arms around her, then heaved us to standing. Not breaking our kiss, I stumbled forward with her in my arms, and ended up walking straight into the sink. Autumn let out a surprised squeal as her ass met with the water still inside the basin, something I quickly rectified by slipping my hand beneath her backside and into the water, cupping one cheek and lifting her up onto the edge.
This time it was her who deepened our kiss, her whose legs parted for me to fit between. And her whose fingertips were digging into the bare skin on my back.
I pictured myself tearing her shirt free from her body, gripping her hair and placing biting kisses down the length of her neck, over her breasts and lower. Yanking her pants down her legs and sending my fingers up inside her.
I pictured all of that, but still I only continued to kiss her.
I saw myself carrying her, her naked body writhing, begging for more, into the bedroom. I saw myself laying her out on the mattress and covering her body with mine, grabbing and groping the breasts that were beckoning me, and sliding inside her.
My eyes closed and I watched as I took her, hard and fast, then slow and steady. And then just before I finished, I flipped her over and took her from behind, pumping into her as fast as I could, making her scream, making her beg, causing her head to rear back as she cried out with tears in her eyes.
But it wasn’t pain I was inflicting on her. It was pleasure. I wanted to give her pleasure.
I watched it all unfold in my mind, my dick rock hard and twitching inside my jeans, but still I only continued to kiss her.
In that moment, the whole world grew quiet. No voice in my head, no thoughts of anyone or anything outside the tangle of our two bodies.
There was no infection, no unfathomable loss. There was no Jeffers, no Liv, and no Purgatory. There was no then and now, no before and after.
There was just this girl, this stupidly trusting and fucked-up girl, and me, always on the motherfucking verge of losing it, and half out of my damn mind more often than not.
Me, a broken-down man . . .
And a kiss that silenced the world.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Autumn
Gripping my seat belt tightly, I closed my eyes and leaned toward the open window, letting the warm wind blow through my hair, the short strands whipping wildly around my face and neck. It had been a long time since I’d been inside a vehicle, and I’d forgotten how fast they could move, how jolting the experience could be. It reminded me of the first time I’d ridden a roller coaster, how unsafe I’d felt, and yet once the ride had ended, I ran back in line, ready to ride again.
Only this time, I wouldn’t be getting back in line.
The farther from Purgatory we drove, the faster and harder my heart beat. Soon I was nothing but a jumble of nerves and an anxious stomach. My heart and soul were both frantic for it—the freedom, for the ability to make my own choices, and without the hellish worry of having a crazed woman out to get me. But out here there were no ridiculous rules; there was no one to lord over me and my every decision. Out here I didn’t need protecting. Out here I could protect myself. It was a different sort of survival out here in the wide open. Out here you knew exactly who the monsters were.
Oh my God, I’m out. I’m free of those gates. Free of those people.
But then, why did I feel so horrible?
It was that kiss, that beautiful, heartbreaking kiss. I’d never been kissed like that, never known a kiss like that even existed. It had been so soft and yet rough, desperate and yet also peaceful and quiet. Even thinking about it now, I couldn’t help but feel my body respond.
Oh God, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And Eagle, the way he’d looked at me this morning. He’d seemed softer somehow. Although his features were forever hard and his expression stoic, it was his eyes. They’d been lighter. Wider even.
“You’re quiet,” Jonah said, and I opened my eyes to find him watching me from the driver’s seat of the truck. “You don’t really talk much, do you?”
I gave him a small smile and shrugged.
Chuckling, he shook his head. “Yeah, Alice said as much.”
His gaze turned back to the dusty road and concentrated on the rough terrain. I watched him for a while before returning my attention to the open window and the world flying by. We passed several miles in silence, and even the guards in the bed of the truck were quiet. Seated around the rim of the bed, they kept their guns poised and ready as their eyes constantly scoured the horizon, just watching and waiting.
A moment later I turned back to Jonah, needing a distraction from my racing thoughts. “What did you mean?” I asked. “What did Alice say?”
His eyes still on the road, he smiled. “My wife, she’s a clever lady, as you no doubt know.” Glancing sideways, he winked. “She said you were a quiet one. That you’re guarded, but strong, you know?” He tapped on his temple. “Strong up here.”
Strong? Me? Replaying his words in my head, I wondered how anyone could possibly think I was strong.
“I don’t think Eagle thinks so,” I mumbled.
Jonah laughed. “I think you’d be surprised. I think he thinks very highly of you.”
I didn’t know what to say to him; I didn’t know what to think about what he’d said. I believed that Eagle cared about me to some extent, but I also believed that he thought I was a fool. A ridiculous girl who was scared of water, cried more than she spoke, who couldn’t handle being around more than a few people at a time, and who covered h
erself in her own excrement to hide from the biters.
But . . . that kiss.
“Are we getting close?” Jonah asked. “You described a tree that resembled a hand. Is that it?”
Leaning forward, I peered out the windshield and sure enough, there was my tree. With a trunk big enough to hide five people behind, it was split in the center, its larger branches twisted and warped as they grew in opposite directions, stretching high into the sky like a giant hand reaching for heaven. I loved that tree, but seeing it now made my stomach ache.
We were here, which meant I was nearly home. The thought made me wonder what it would look like, the same or different? Would it still feel as safe to me as it had before?
“Yes,” I whispered. “You’ll have to pull over. We have to walk from here.”
As Jonah pulled the truck off to the side of the road, I wondered how I was going to slip away from the group. And worse, what would happen to Jonah when he returned without me? Would Eagle hurt him? I didn’t want to think that Eagle would do something awful to such a good man, especially the only doctor in Purgatory, but Eagle’s temper was unpredictable.
When the truck came to a stop, the guards jumped from the bed and circled the vehicle. Grabbing his backpack, Jonah flashed me a toothy grin—he was obviously excited to find the flowers—and gestured for me to open my door.
“You coming?” Standing beside the truck, he shrugged the pack up over his shoulders and checked the gun holstered at his hip.
“Yes,” I said, my mouth suddenly dry.
Maybe taking off wasn’t such a good idea. After all, I hadn’t thought to bring any weapons, or food for that matter. I’d have nothing and would be out searching fruitlessly for food again, the very reason I’d been so close to Purgatory in the first place.
Reluctantly I climbed out of the truck with sluggish movements and joined the waiting group. Not one of the guards appeared friendly, and while some paid me no attention, others were staring, leering even.
Inching closer to Jonah, I pointed into the forest. “Through there.”
We slipped into the forest, Jonah and me in the lead, the guards fanned out behind us, moving slower as they scanned the woods for threats. The forest grew thicker, the trees and foliage growing nearly on top of each other before suddenly thinning out and opening up to a small valley.
“It’s down there,” I said, pointing to the rocky drop-off.
The ravine was one of many in this area, and although thinner and less steep than the others, it was quite long. It was a mildly difficult climb down, and then a short trek through a stream before the ground dried up. Small caverns lined the base, mine being one of the smallest and hardest to find.
I was so close now. Nearly home.
Jonah and I descended first, and I was impressed as he managed the descent with ease and grace, as if he’d done it a hundred times before. I was much less graceful, half out of my mind with so many mixed emotions.
Once at the bottom, I sloshed through the familiar shallow stream. Recognizing each rock, each grouping of wildflowers growing along the edges, I began to feel as if I were walking through a dream. As if none of these things were really happening, and at some point I was going to wake up.
Oh my God, do I want to wake up?
“I think I see it!” Jonah exclaimed, and took off jogging through the water. Several guards pushed past me in order to keep up with him.
I continued on at a snail’s pace, a bit overheated despite the cool air down here. Overhead, a sweet sort of chirping sounded, echoing off the walls of the ravine. Looking up, I saw a large bird circling our group, an eagle maybe, its wingspan the widest I’d ever seen.
“This is them!” Jonah shouted. “This is them!” On his knees in the water, Jonah slung his backpack off his shoulder and began rifling through it. Pulling out a small book, he skimmed through it quickly. “And these too! I can use these too!”
“Jesus fuck,” one the guards beside me muttered. “He’s going to bring the rotters right to us.”
I glanced around, looking at each guard. They were all busy scrutinizing our surroundings, their discomfort and worry plain on their faces. It was the perfect time to disappear. They’d all be busy watching out for biters and protecting Jonah.
Making my way to where Jonah was crouched, digging up the earth, I bent down beside him and said quietly, “Jonah, I, um, I have to pee.”
Pausing, he looked up at me, and for a moment simply stared at me. “You take care,” he said finally, shocking me. His gaze flitted to where a few of the guards were standing, talking amongst themselves. “I’ll keep them here.”
Confused, I stood up slowly as he went back to digging. Did he know? Did he realize what my plans were? And he was going to help me? Still a little stunned, I started slowly down the center of the stream.
“Stay with the group,” one of the guards barked, and I froze in mid-step.
“She needs to take care of business,” Jonah called out. “Leave her be a moment.”
The guard grimaced but said nothing more.
I started walking again, doing my best not to tremble, to appear as if nothing was out of the ordinary. One foot in front of the other, I told myself. Don’t look up, don’t look back, and don’t appear suspicious.
Rounding a bend and now out of view of the group, I pressed my back up against a rocky wall and blew out a breath. I could do this. I could go home right this second. They would search all they wanted, but they’d never find my cave. If anything, there’d assume I’d climbed back up and took off into the woods.
Swallowing hard, my heart racing as it pounded out a brutal beat inside my chest, I pushed myself away from the wall.
And then I ran.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Eagle
“What the fuck did you just say?”
Fists clenched, I stared at the doctor’s wife—Alice, I think her name was—half shocked, half . . . No, fuck that, I was just downright shocked.
Alice’s eyes rounded, as if surprised I didn’t already know. What a joke. If I’d known, if I’d even had half an inkling that Autumn would be leaving Purgatory, I would have . . .
Shit. What the fuck would I have done? That was the plan all along, wasn’t it? To somehow get her out of here, past the gates and back to wherever the fuck she’d come from. After all, that was what she’d wanted, and that was what I’d promised her.
“I . . . um . . . I assumed you knew,” Alice murmured. “But I can assure you she’s safe. Jonah is with her, along with seven of the guards. I promise, E, nothing will happen to her.”
I nearly laughed in her face, but if I laughed I might yell, and if I yelled I might actually lunge at her, wrap my hands around her neck, and choke the life right out of her. Instead, I spun around and stalked out of the room.
I should have never allowed her to work anywhere but at the garage. I should have kept her fucking chained to me. I should have . . .
“Fuck!” I bellowed, sending my fist into the wall, straight through the already cracked and crumbling drywall. I was making too many mistakes. That’s all I done recently, make mistake after mistake, ever since Wildcat had shown up with her red hair and blue eyes, giving me an up-close glimpse of my own personal hell.
Wrenching my hand free, I shook it out and continued walking. I walked past rooms filled with supplies, empty rooms, living quarters, nearly knocking into anyone who made the mistake of being in the same space as me. I didn’t know where I was going. Where was there to go?
Autumn had found her way out of Purgatory. She hadn’t told me about it, not a word, only solidifying my suspicions. This was her out. Guards or not, she wasn’t coming back.
Outside now, in the middle of the marketplace, I glanced up at the sky. It was a cloudy day, the air considerably cooler than it had been. And Autumn had only the clothing on her back when I’d dropped her off this morning, a pair of holey jeans and a ratty black T-shirt. Winter was coming, and how the hell . . .
No. I shut down that line of thinking. What did it matter? She’d survived this long on her own, living out in the wild. She’d smear herself in shit and mud, go back to eating bugs and grass, and living in trees or under rocks, or who the fuck knew where. I didn’t give a fuck.
Shoving through a small gathering of people around the barrel fires, I started for home, only to find myself pushing through the door of the Cave instead. It was warmer inside the brothel, as if the constant friction of bodies within these walls was more than enough to heat the place.
As usual, it smelled like sex, sweat, and just general filth, so much so that no amount of disinfectant or bleach would ever really be able to wash it clean. When it came time to retire the sins of Purgatory, if that time ever came, this was one building that shouldn’t just be demolished, but burned to the damn ground.
The bar area was nearly empty except for Dori, not unusual for lunchtime. What customers were here were upstairs, or in the back busy trading their lunches for a blow job or a fuck. Taking my usual seat at the end of the bar, I ignored the wheelchair-bound blonde beside me and pounded my fist on the wood.
The young man working the counter, one of the few openly gay men in Purgatory and the only male prostitute, gave me a lazy stare, then rolled his eyes before turning away to pour my usual.
“E?” Dori asked. “Where have you been? Everyone has been talking about you.”
Ignoring her in favor of the drink being placed down in front of me, I gave the young man a biting grin. “Not working today?” I sneered. “That ass all used up already?”
“No thanks to you, darlin’,” he said with more snark than was healthy for him, brushing a lock of imaginary hair over his shoulder and blowing me a kiss.
Glaring at him, I grabbed the dirty glass in front of me and brought it to my mouth and inhaled the bitter odor of Dori’s homemade concoction. It tasted like shit at best, but it burned a delicious pathway down my throat, settling hotly in the pit of my stomach. Shit tasting or not, it always got the job done.
Beneath Blood and Bone (Thicker Than Blood #2) Page 20