by Marie Landry
Ezra’s eyebrows winged up in surprise, but then he nodded. “Yeah, I think I get it.” His eyes were intense as he regarded me, and I knew something had changed between us. I wasn’t sure what it was or how to describe it, but I was pretty sure we both felt it.
We continued to eat in silence. My mind drifted back to thoughts of Alexis and Bianca. There was a time when I felt like I belonged to them. We were a unit. Solid. But we hadn’t been that way in a long time, and sometimes I thought it was better that it happened when it did. Not the way it did necessarily, but if my mom hadn’t gotten sick, we all would have been going off to college in another month, and what then?
If anyone had asked me that a year ago, I would have told them we’d be a trio of little old ladies sitting in rocking chairs in a nursing home someday, but now…if they couldn’t stick by me through the worst time in my life, what were the odds we would have stayed friends anyway? There was no point holding onto something that would lead nowhere.
Ezra finished his breakfast and sat back in the booth, eyeing me with a challenging light in his blue-green gaze.
I smirked at him as I poured ketchup over the last of my home fries. “You may not believe this, but when I was younger I was always up for a dare.” I pointed my fork at him. “Just a warning for the next time you want to challenge me. That old spirit is still in there somewhere.”
His eyes softened, and his grin spread. “Good to know.”
When I finally finished, I paid for breakfast from the money Dad had given us, then joked that Ezra would have to roll me to the car.
As we fastened our seatbelts, a thought occurred to me. “You know, there is actually somewhere I’d like to go before we leave.”
*****
“Are you sure about this?”
The sound of Ezra’s voice startled me, and I looked over at him with an apologetic smile. “Not really.”
“Take your time. We have all day.” He reached for my hand and squeezed it. “And if you decide it’s something you can’t do, that’s fine. I’m sure she’d understand.” His voice was soft and comforting, and it made my resolve that much stronger.
“I’ll do it.” I released his hand and opened the car door, stepping out onto the dry grass. Normally the cemetery was full of thick, lush grass the colour of emeralds, but like everywhere else lately, the grass here was dried up and dead.
“Do you want me to go with you or wait?” Ezra called through my still-open door. It was the same question he’d asked last night when we arrived at my house, and my answer was the same as it had been then.
“Come with me. Please.”
When he joined me, I took his hand, holding on tightly. We crossed the grass, weaving our way through headstones and monuments until we came to my mom’s. I stood pressed against Ezra’s side, clutching his hand with both of mine.
A lump formed in my throat, but that was it. No tears stung my eyes, and I didn’t get that hollow ache that I’d had so often the last few weeks. I didn’t feel her here like I felt her at home, or even on the island. This was just a place for her empty shell, but her spirit was everywhere.
I let go of Ezra’s hand and dropped lightly to my knees. The dry grass poked and stabbed my bare legs, but I ignored it as I traced my fingers over the carving on her headstone. Annie O’Dell. Cherished wife, beloved mother, loyal friend. Always loved, never forgotten.
“Never forgotten,” I whispered.
I could have sworn I felt her presence, smelled that sweet lilac scent in the air. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply and holding onto the sensation of peace her presence brought. Even if it was just my imagination, I didn’t care. It brought me comfort, and that was something I was going to hold onto.
I rose slowly and stepped into Ezra’s waiting embrace. He wrapped his arms around me and held on tight. I pressed my face into his chest and closed my eyes again, inhaling deeply and enjoying the soothing sound of his rhythmic heartbeat.
“I don’t know if I’ll come back here,” I said, my voice slightly muffled in his shirt. “I dreaded the thought of coming here because I thought it would be too painful, but…it’s not. I hated being so far away from her the last few weeks, but she’s been with me this whole time. I know a lot of people find comfort visiting their loved ones’ graves, talking to them, bringing flowers, but…I don’t think I’ll be one of them.”
Ezra planted a firm kiss on the top of my head and released me. “Let’s go, then.”
*****
“I think this has been good for me,” I told Ezra when we got back to my house. “I know that may sound crazy since I was so worried over someone breaking into the house, but I feel like being here has given me some closure. I still feel…” I rubbed a hand over my chest, where I’d almost grown accustomed to that hollow feeling. “I still miss her like crazy, but I expect I always will. She’d want me to move on and not let life stop just because hers did.”
I went through the house one more time, making sure everything was as it should be. I closed and locked all the windows, and double-checked that everything was turned off. Before we left, I went back to my parents’ room and sat at my mom’s vanity table. She’d loved jewelry, and she had some beautiful pieces that I often admired.
She had told me that when she was gone, Ella and I should divide up all her jewelry. I couldn’t quite picture how that would go, but I decided to deal with it in the fall when we were both home. For now, I picked a piece for each of us. Since Ella wore a lot of black these days, I chose a long string of onyx and silver beads; for myself I chose a necklace that had always been one of Mom’s favourites—and therefore one of my favourites—a silver heart pendant on a long chain.
I put the necklace on and left the bedroom, closing the door behind me. It was still the only door on the second floor that was closed, but it seemed fitting somehow.
Ezra was waiting for me in the front hall, and we left, locking up.
“Now there’s something I want to do,” he said, taking my hand and leading me to the car. “I think a bit of fun is in order.”
The fun he had in mind was the CN Tower. ‘Someday’ had come much sooner than I’d anticipated, and it was an amazing first for both of us. After paying a small fortune for parking in downtown Toronto, we walked up Front Street, bought our tickets, and got in line. It was almost the end of July, so tourists of every imaginable ethnicity swarmed around, taking pictures, chattering in an assortment of languages, and looking at maps.
The noise and chaos actually made me miss the peace and quiet of Angel Island, but I was enjoying every moment of being here with Ezra. Even though I knew we had to go back eventually, it was nice to know there was no pressure—he didn’t have to run off to work, I didn’t have to worry about running into Ella and having her bite my head off, and I didn’t have to try to convince Dad to eat or sleep or get out of the house.
We rode the elevator to the main observation deck, and Ezra pulled me straight toward the glass floor.
“I guess I should have asked you this before, but are you afraid of heights?” he asked, his eyes twinkling.
“Not really.” I stopped several feet back from the glass and peered over the edge. “But there’s no way you’re getting me on that thing.”
Similar conversations were happening all around us. There seemed to be a lot of coaxing, bribing, and teasing going on, while other people walked onto the glass floor with ease, some of them even lying or sitting on the surface.
“I’ll hold your hand.” Ezra stuck his hand out toward me and I put mine behind my back. He laughed. “Come on. I dare you.”
I pointed a finger at him. “That’s not fair. That only applies to…to…well, not this!”
He laughed harder. He was enjoying this far too much. He stood in front of me and turned around, bending his knees. “Hop on my back and I’ll carry you.”
“But then we’ll be even heavier,” I said, backing away from him.
“Charlotte,” he said patiently, stra
ightening to look at me, his lips twitching with the effort not to laugh. “You heard what the guide in the elevator said. It’s, like, five times stronger than the required weight-bearing laws.” He turned around again. “Now hop on.”
I sucked in a breath, and before I could lose my nerve I hopped onto his back. He grabbed the backs of my legs and stood up straight, adjusting us so I wouldn’t fall. “Ready?”
“No,” I squeaked, but he stepped forward anyway. I closed my eyes and buried my face in his shoulder. His body was tense as he took a few steps, then stopped, letting out a low laugh.
I opened my eyes and tentatively looked over his shoulder. My stomach dropped and my heart leapt into my mouth as I looked 1,122 feet down to the ground below. “Holy crap,” I breathed.
“That’s pretty much what I was thinking,” Ezra said. “This is amazing.”
I wrapped my arms tighter around him, hugging him awkwardly from behind. He squeezed my legs, and the two of us stood there and looked down in awe.
Ezra pulled out his phone and asked a woman nearby if she’d take a couple shots of us. She grinned at us as she snapped away, then handed the phone back. “You guys are too cute,” she said. “My husband never gave me a piggy back ride.” She winked at me, and left to join a group of women standing back from the glass floor.
“We’re cute,” I whispered in Ezra’s ear, and he chuckled quietly.
I slipped from his back when he stepped onto the regular floor, and he took my hand and led me to the windows so we could get a panoramic view of the city. Ezra took a few more pictures on his phone, including a couple of us standing close together and smiling into the camera with the horizon behind us.
“I’m really glad we did this,” I told Ezra as we plummeted back to the ground in the super-fast elevator.
“Me too,” he agreed. “It just seemed like too good an opportunity when we were right here, you know? And we both needed something fun and different.”
The drive back was much more relaxed than the ride up. We talked and laughed, listened to music, and pointed out people who were doing weird things in their cars. We stopped in Kingston for dinner, then headed for the ferry.
Ezra walked me to my back door after parking at his house. We stood on the porch, facing each other and holding hands, both suddenly at a loss for words.
“Thank you so much,” I said finally. “You were so amazing to drop everything and take me all that way. I’m not used to having anyone take care of me, but I have to admit I really enjoyed it.”
Ezra’s eyes shone with pleasure. “I’m glad. I like taking care of you. Thank you for letting me.”
We shared a silly, secret smile. Something was definitely different between us, and I liked it, whatever it was. I reached up on my toes and drew him into a hug. With his arms wrapped around my waist, he rocked me back and forth, then gave me one big squeeze that lifted me off my feet.
He kissed my smiling lips and released me, but pulled me back for a longer, deeper kiss that made me shiver all over.
“I better get home,” he said several kisses later. We couldn’t seem to stop, and I didn’t want to. “I’m staying in for the night, but things will be back to normal tomorrow.”
“Okay.” I released him and stepped back so I wouldn’t be tempted to kiss him again. “Oh, your sweater.” We’d gotten out of the car on the ferry to watch the sunset, and the wind had been cool, so Ezra loaned me a sweater he kept in the back of his car. I started to pull it off but he stopped me.
“Keep it for now.” He grinned, tugging on the hem, which reached halfway down my thighs. “It looks good on you.”
With one final kiss, he took off toward his house, waving before he disappeared through the back door.
Not quite ready to go inside, I leaned against the porch railing and gazed out at the lake. I pulled Mom’s necklace from under Ezra’s sweater and fingered it absently, glad to have something of hers I could keep with me.
“Well, the prodigal daughter returns.”
Ella’s snarky voice penetrated my happy little bubble, and I sighed. “Nice to see you, too, Ella,” I said wearily, turning to face her.
She climbed the stairs slowly, her long legs seeming a bit wobbly. “So, did you get any closure being back home? Being near Mom? Or did you sleep with your yummy boyfriend and that solved all your problems?”
I rolled my eyes. “Sex is your answer to everything, not mine.”
Ella scoffed. “You know, I was actually hoping you’d decide to stay home instead of coming back. It’s been so nice around here without someone sucking the fun out of everything.”
“Oh please, I hardly ever see you, how can I suck the fun—”
My words were cut off when she smacked my hand. I stumbled, gripping the railing and looking at her as if she’d lost her mind. I’d still been playing with Mom’s necklace, and now Ella’s eyes narrowed as she watched it sway between my breasts.
“What the hell is your problem?” I snapped, bracing myself to fend off another attack.
“That’s Mom’s necklace.” Her voice was low and seething.
“So? I got one for each of us when I was home,” I told her. “I figured she’d be happy knowing we had them since she said we could split her jewelry when she…when she was gone. If you’d given me a minute instead of always going on the attack, I would have given you yours.”
“But that one is mine,” Ella said. I wasn’t sure if I was imagining it, but her eyes seemed to be glistening with tears. “Mom told me I could have it because she knew I always loved it. I said you could have everything else if you wanted, but I wanted that one. Just that one, and you took it like you take everything else.”
My head was spinning. Her voice was so full of hurt, and anger practically rolled off her in waves. “H-How was I supposed to know that?” I said, tripping over the words. “I’m not a mind reader, Ella.”
“For the last time, it’s Gabriella!” she screamed. Her eyes were wild, and I had a sudden sinking thought that she must be high. Chris must have given her something. She always seemed irate around me, but this was intense, irrational anger.
“Okay, okay.” I held up my hands. Where was Dad? Couldn’t he hear her yelling? This would be a great time for him to decide to start being a parent again. “Gabriella, there’s no possible way I could have known you wanted this necklace. Mom had a ton of jewelry, you know that. Since it means so much to you, of course you can have it.”
I slipped the chain from around my neck and cupped the necklace in my extended palm. She glared at it for a minute before slapping my hand again, sending the necklace flying over the railing and into the sand.
“I don’t want anything from you or her.” The way she said ‘her’ cut me like a knife, and I staggered back.
“You don’t mean that,” I whispered, clutching the railing to keep from crumbling on shaky legs. “You’re angry and you’re grieving, and you’re…you’re…why don’t we go inside and I’ll get you a glass of water?”
Ignoring my suggestion, Ella took a step toward me, looking pleased when I flinched. “I am angry,” she agreed. “But not because I’m grieving. I’m angry because I have to deal with having you as a sister. Perfect, beautiful, smart Charlotte with all the friends and the good grades and the boys drooling all over her. The apple of Mom’s eye, her pride and joy.” Her words were light and she spoke in an almost sing-song voice, but her eyes bored into me, and I could feel the intensity of her gaze like a thousand tiny knife wounds.
I shook my head hard. “No. I don’t know why you think that, but Mom loved us both. She didn’t play favourites, and I have no idea where you’d get an idea like that. I don’t know what happened to you, Gabriella, to make you this angry and to make you hate me so much, but this rage is going to consume you alive if you don’t stop.”
Her eyes glassed over, becoming over-bright and out of focus. She blinked hard and shook her head. “Good.” Her voice was a ragged whisper. “I hope it does.”
She spun around and ran down the porch steps, stumbling and catching herself before she went sprawling in the sand. She scurried down the beach, her arms and legs flailing erratically, and then she vanished between two houses.
I hadn’t realized I was breathing hard until the sound of it filled my ears. I dragged in several deep breaths, feeling my lungs expand in my tight chest. I laid a hand over my heart, not surprised to find it galloping.
I didn’t understand my sister’s feelings toward me, and it occurred to me that perhaps even she didn’t understand them. Maybe she didn’t even know why she hated me so much; it was just a convenient place to take out her anger. She saw me as her emotional punching bag because unlike everyone else, I wouldn’t leave.
With silent tears streaming down my face, I made my way onto the beach to look for Mom’s necklace in the sand. I wished more than anything that Mom were here to give me guidance and advice. If she could see how this family was falling apart, she’d be devastated. Her family had been everything to her, and it would destroy her to know what we’d become. What Ella had become.
Something sparkly caught my attention, and I pulled the necklace from where it was half-buried in the sand. I put it back around my neck and tucked it under Ezra’s sweatshirt.
Ezra. I wanted so badly to go knock on his door, have him comfort me and tell me everything would be all right. I could get used to the way he took care of me over the last two days, but it would be too easy to become dependant on him, and I had grown accustomed to taking care of myself. Besides, I only had a month left on the island—what would happen if I learned to depend on him completely and then I had to go back home?
No. As much as I’d give anything to have Ezra’s calm, comforting presence with me right now, I needed to learn to deal with this on my own.
I slipped into the dark house and wasn’t surprised to find Dad sprawled out on the couch watching TV. I wiped the tears from my face and stood behind him for several long minutes, then decided to sit down in the chair next to the couch.