by Marie Landry
“I’m kind of afraid my dad might be heading in the direction your mom went,” I said. “I thought it was just grief, but it seems like more than that now. His moods and behaviour are so changeable. It worries me.”
Ezra nodded. “From what I’ve seen, I think you might be right. I don’t want you to go down the same path I’ve had to go with my mom. I think you need to talk to him and get him to see a doctor.”
I groaned. I didn’t know how I’d even begin a conversation like that. ‘Hey Dad, it worries me when you turn into Zombie Dad, and I think you might be depressed.’ But…maybe now I’d have Ella’s help.
Ella. Crap. As badly as I wanted to keep what had happened to myself, I knew I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t tell Ezra.
I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I have to tell you something, but you have to promise you won’t freak out…” I told him about how I’d found Ella earlier and what had happened between her and Chris. Ezra’s expression darkened as I spoke, and his jaw clenched and unclenched convulsively.
“I’m telling you because I want to be completely honest with you, but I don’t want you to go off on him,” I said, squeezing his hand and making him meet my eyes so I knew he was really listening. “As much as I’d like to think Ella will stay away from him now, I just don’t know. We’ve made some progress, but she’s not going to magically change overnight. It’s up to her, though. I want to see what she does and then we can go from there. Okay?”
He looked like he wanted to argue, but he sighed heavily and bobbed his head. “Fine,” he said begrudgingly. “It’s your call. But if you need me to have a little chat with Chris, I will.” The way he emphasized the word ‘chat’ made me think it would be more of a fist-to-face thing than a talk.
“Thanks,” I answered wryly. “Anyway, back to my dad…”
“Yeah. I think you really need to push on this, Charlotte. Don’t make the same mistake I did and assume he’ll get better. If I’d gotten help for my mom sooner, she might not be a vegetable right now.” His bitter, regretful tone broke my heart. “I can see about getting your dad a referral with the doctor I know in Kingston. Just let me know.”
“Thanks,” I said again, meaning it this time. “I should get home, make sure Ella’s okay.” I stood up and tightened the blanket around my shoulders. “Thanks for…everything. I don’t know what came over me, going out into that storm. I’ve been waiting for it for so long…” I shook my head, knowing I wasn’t making sense.
He nodded slowly. “I’m just glad I saw you. After what you told me about the night your mother died, I just had this feeling…”
I threw my arms around him and hugged him quickly. It took everything in me not to stay in his arms and savour the warmth of his body pressed against mine. “I’ll see you soon. I’m stealing your blanket for now.” I really didn’t want to walk home in the faint dawn light in just my see-through nightgown.
He chuckled and showed me to the door. The rain had tapered to a light drizzle, so I put the blanket over my head and ran to my house. As I opened the sliding glass door, I glanced back and wasn’t really surprised to see Ezra standing on his porch waiting to make sure I got inside. I waved, and he smiled and waved back.
We were going to be okay. He hadn’t lied to me because he wanted to, and I knew that now. Life was too precious to hold a grudge, especially against the only person who was able to make me happy and help me forget the bad stuff.
I climbed the stairs and quietly opened Ella’s bedroom door. She was still asleep, so I crossed the room and crawled into bed beside her. I was almost afraid that when she woke up she’d be back to her old hateful self. Last night felt like a dream in so many ways, and I was still afraid I might wake up and be back where I was twenty-four hours ago—miserable and alone.
I scanned Ella’s room in the semi-darkness. I hadn’t been in here all summer, and I hadn’t had time to notice much last night. She hadn’t added many personal touches or done much to make it homey. A small seashell collection adorned her dresser across the room, along with what appeared to be a framed picture turned face down.
My curiosity had me slipping once more from the bed and tiptoeing across the room. I picked up the picture and nearly dropped it when I recognized it—it was the picture of Mom, Dad, Ella, and me taken at the barbeque last summer. The one I’d wanted so badly but couldn’t remember where it might be. Ella had had it all this time.
She stirred behind me, and I set the picture down reluctantly before returning to the bed. She opened bleary eyes and gazed up at me, her brow creased. “What are you…oh.” She let out a long, sleepy breath and buried her face in the pillow. “I thought maybe I dreamed the whole thing,” she mumbled.
You and me both, I thought. “You didn’t. And I’m still here. Is that okay?”
I realized I was holding my breath as I waited for her answer.
“Yes.” She pushed herself to her elbows and met my eyes. “As much as I wish last night hadn’t happened with Chris, I’m glad we got some of our issues out in the open. I slept like a baby for the first time in months. It was like I was able to release all the crap that had been holding me down, you know?”
I nodded. I did know—better than she could imagine.
“I really am sorry,” she said. She looked anxious and contrite, and I thought again how young she appeared without her face plastered in cosmetics.
“I know,” I told her. “I am, too. I just hope now we can start fresh. Get back to where we used to be before…well, just before. I think we need each other more than either of us wants to admit. Mom would want that.”
Ella bobbed her head solemnly. “She would. And I want that too.”
“So we’re agreed.” I smiled slightly, and she returned it with a weary smile of her own. “Now…we need to talk about Dad…”
CHAPTER TWENTY
At nine o’clock that morning, Dad shuffled into the kitchen. He stopped and stared when he saw Ella and me sitting side by side at the table. His expression would have been comical any other time, but after spending the last two hours talking to Ella, we were both stoic and resolute. We knew what we needed to do.
“This is…” Dad searched for the word, but couldn’t seem to settle on one. “It’s nice to see the two of you together.”
“Why don’t you sit down and I’ll get your coffee,” I suggested, rising from the table. I fixed him a cup and topped off Ella’s and mine before returning to my seat. “Dad, we need to talk to you.”
“All right.” He looked from one of us to the other, his brows drawing together. “This feels like an intervention. Have I done something I don’t know about?” He said it lightly, trying to inject humour into his words, but they fell flat.
I looked at Ella. We had planned this all out, rehearsed what we were going to say, but my mind was now blank. I thought about Ezra and his mom, and suddenly knew where to start. “Did you know that Ezra’s mom lives with him?”
Dad’s brows arched in surprise. “No, I thought he lived alone,” he replied. “I’ve never seen anyone else around other than him.”
“That’s because Izzy is so deeply depressed she never leaves the house,” I said. “It started when Ezra’s dad died. She fell apart, and Ezra and Lilah thought it was just normal grieving, but they were wrong. She fell into a depression and it got progressively worse.”
“That’s terrible,” Dad said quietly. “Your mother would be heartbroken if she knew that.”
“Mom would be heartbroken if she knew the same thing was happening to you,” Ella pointed out quietly.
Dad looked at her sharply and I sucked in a breath, holding it. He looked from her to me and back, his eyes narrowing, cheeks turning red. “That’s what this is about isn’t it?” He waved a hand between us. “It is an intervention.”
“Of sorts,” I agreed. “We understand that this last year has been hard on you, and that Mom’s death was horrible. It’s thrown us all for a loop. We’re all acting str
angely, dancing around our issues, and covering up how we really feel.” I glanced at Ella and she looked at me steadily, her eyes sad. “But we’re falling apart. Individually, and as a family. That would break Mom’s heart.”
Dad stared down into his coffee, his hands turning white where they gripped the mug. His shoulders were hunched, and he looked exhausted. For the first time this summer, I realized how much he’d aged. His dark hair was shot through with silver, deep lines were carved under his eyes, and the thick stubble on his face was mostly grey.
“We think you need help.” Ella’s voice was timid and carried a slight tremor. “We want you to see a doctor.”
Dad released a long, weary sigh. “And if I say no?”
Before I had a chance to formulate a reply, Ella blurted, “Then we’ll leave. You’ll lose us. If you’re sick, you need help.”
I glared at her. That wasn’t part of what we’d discussed. She looked back at me unflinchingly, her chin tilted upward in defiance. For a minute I thought the old Ella was making a reappearance, but her cheeks were flushing, and her eyes swam with tears. I didn’t think threats and ultimatums were going to work, but her guess was as good as mine.
I nodded in her direction and turned back to Dad. “We need our dad back. We already lost one parent, we can’t lose you, too. We may be old enough to get by on our own, but we shouldn’t have to. I feel like I’ve had to be the parent for months now, and I just want to be a kid again while I can.” I thought of Ezra and how he hadn’t been a kid for years—maybe ever, since he had to grow up so fast and learn to defend himself against his dad.
“Girls…” Dad rubbed a hand over his chin, the rough sound of his stubble loud in the otherwise quiet kitchen.
“We know that everyone deals with grief differently,” Ella chimed in, glancing at me. “But we think you might need some help dealing with yours.”
Dad’s shoulders slumped even more. He looked defeated. “I don’t want to go back to Toronto yet.”
“You don’t have to,” I told him quickly. “Ezra said if we wanted, he’d look into getting you a referral with a doctor in Kingston. You’d just have to go over to the mainland, and we would go with you if you wanted.” I looked at Ella and she nodded her head quickly.
“I didn’t want to admit it.” Dad’s voice was faint, his eyes shifting in and out of focus. “I’ve been trying to avoid dealing with it, hoping things would get better. But they’re not.” He blinked hard and focused on me, then Ella. “You girls deserve better. You deserve a father who can take care of you, not one you have to take care of.” He met my eyes apologetically.
“It’s okay, Dad. You’ll get the help you need, and everything will be fine. We can be a family again.” I jumped when Ella took my hand under the table. I clutched at it, unable to look at her for fear I’d fall apart. I couldn’t fall apart now, not when I was trying to pick up the pieces of my family.
“Maybe I’ll talk to Ezra myself,” he said slowly. “Ask him some questions about his mom and about this doctor. Do you think that’d be okay?”
“I think he’d be happy to talk to you,” I told him. “It might help you both.”
“Okay, then.” He fiddled with his coffee cup, turning it around and around on the table. “I’m sorry, girls. I’m sorry for all you’ve had to go through the last year, and for making it even harder on you since Mom died.”
Ella squeezed my hand convulsively and I heard her sniffle beside me. “We love you, Dad. We’ll get through this together.”
The three of us sat in heavy silence until I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Why don’t I make breakfast?” I suggested.
And so with Ella’s help, breakfast was made, serious topics were set aside, and the three of us ate as a family for the first time in months.
*****
The minute I heard Ezra’s car pull into the driveway that afternoon, I ran out of the house and met him.
His grin when he saw me was lightning quick, and almost made me trip over my own feet. He opened his arms and braced himself, and I rushed to him, throwing myself into his arms.
“God I missed you,” he breathed, burying his face in my neck.
“You just saw me this morning.”
“I know, but it wasn’t quite the same,” he told me. “We were working things out, and I was afraid you were still kinda mad at me even though you’d forgiven me. But this…this just made my day.”
I wiggled down so my feet touched the ground, and took his face in my hands, kissing him long and hard. There was a glimmer of hope in my life, a chance for new beginnings all around, and he was part of that. Even if somewhere deep in my brain I was still hurt that he’d kept such a big secret from me, I didn’t want to waste any more time being angry. I’d had enough anger to last a lifetime.
“Okay, that just made my day,” Ezra said when I released him. He had a silly grin on his face, and I was sure mine mirrored his. “You seem…lighter. Not as burdened somehow.”
“I have good news.” I took his hand and led him over to our swing.
“I like good news. I have some of my own, but you go first.”
I told him about the conversation between Ella, Dad, and me that morning and how Dad had agreed to get help. Ezra confirmed what I had told dad—he would be happy to talk to him about anything, and he said he’d put in a call to the doctor’s office when he got home.
“Okay, what’s your news?” I asked him when I was finished.
“Well…I just spent the day with Lilah, and she told me she’s been in touch with that facility in Kingston I was telling you about—the one I want to send my mom to for help. They said a room just became available, and when I had Lilah go over my finances with me, I figured out I can finally afford to send my mom. Lilah might have to help me out, but it’ll be worth it to get Mom the help she needs.”
“That’s terrific, Ezra!” I studied his face, and despite his smile, his eyes gave away the fact that there something more.
“I have to decide by tomorrow,” he told me. “There’s a waiting list, and they can only hold the room for forty-eight hours. That’s no problem because I know this is the right thing to do, but…” He shifted uncomfortably, taking my hand and holding it in both of his. “I need to go with her. They want me close, and I can’t be close if I’m a ferry ride away. Lilah’s booking a hotel for me near the facility.”
I swallowed hard. “How long will you be gone?”
His eyes pinched around the corners. “Could be a week, could be two…maybe even longer. They want me close, like I said, but they also want me to participate in some of her sessions. They said the trauma in her life involved both of us, and since I’m the one who’s been taking care of her all this time they think it will help to have me there.”
My stomach churned. I had less than three weeks left before we went back to Toronto. Ella needed to get home to start her senior year of high school, and Dad had to get back to the university. “I’m so glad your mom’s finally going to get help,” I said, unsure what else to say. I meant the words, but my voice was flat, hollow.
“If it was a couple of weeks in the grand scheme of things, that would be fine, but this is your last few weeks here.” Ezra’s eyes were intense as they locked onto mine.
“You can’t think about that,” I told him. “You have to concentrate on helping your mom. You said yourself we’ll find a way.” My voice faltered, and I snapped my mouth shut before I could start to cry.
“And we will,” he promised. “I just feel so…”
Guilty? Torn? I was feeling that way, too. Guilty because the selfish part of me didn’t want him to leave, and torn because I knew this was the break he needed, but it killed me that it meant not getting to spend my last few weeks on the island with him.
“I know,” I sighed. “I know.”
“For now, I just want to be with you,” he said. “I want to sit here and hold your hand and forget about everything and everyone else. I want to have you over for
dinner, sit outside and watch the sunset, then go do our designated driver gig one last time. Can we do that? Please?”
“Of course. Just the two of us.”
“And Adam.” Ezra laughed lightly, squeezing my hand.
“And Adam.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The next two weeks dragged on endlessly. It felt like a series of highs and lows—Ella and I were on good terms, and she was slowly changing everything I associated with Gabriella. We went shopping and she bought some age-appropriate clothes, she toned down her makeup, and ditched Chris. In fact, in those two weeks, I didn’t see her with a single guy, and even though she hung out with the same crowd as before, they didn’t seem to notice or mind that she was dressing and acting differently.
Miranda and Kennedy noticed, and commented on a regular basis. I told them things were changing for the better, and Ella was working on some self-improvement before her last year of high school. They accepted that, and even seemed pleased, which in turn made me happy.
Dad went for an appointment with the doctor Ezra referred him to, and the doctor put him on anti-depressants. Dad didn’t love the idea, but he knew he needed help, and he accepted it with little complaint. He even asked the doctor if he could refer him to a therapist so he could work out the issues he was having and try to find his way back to some semblance of normalcy.
I was really proud of him for taking that step. I knew it wasn’t easy, but every day I could see him making an effort. He got up early, showered, shaved, and dressed, then got to work at his laptop, and actually had long conversations with us. The three of us ate dinner together every night, and I had to admit it was a little strange, but in the best possible way.
The lows were mostly from missing Ezra and worrying about how hard this would be on him. I was sure it must be difficult being away from home, staying by himself in a strange place, and having to watch his mom go through such a huge transition. We talked on the phone every night and texted often, but it wasn’t the same.