by Ali Dean
He shakes his head, but resumes soaping me as I rinse the shampoo out of my hair.
We don’t say anything when we step out of the shower, or when he dries me off with a towel.
“That was the best shower I’ve ever had,” Jace announces.
“You haven’t even kissed me yet,” I say with a pout.
Jace lifts my chin and takes my mouth in his. His tongue slips inside as he lets the towel drop between us. This is dangerous. We are completely naked. And it sends a thrill through me. I take a step closer. I can feel his body an inch from mine, but we aren’t touching.
He pulls away. We are both breathing heavily.
“Let’s put some clothes on,” he says through a ragged breath.
“Jace. Why?” I want his tongue in my mouth again. And his body against mine.
He raises his eyes to look at me.
“I want you. You obviously want me. Why are you putting on the brakes?” I ask. My body is on fire. I’m ready for this. And I’ve always wanted Jace to be the one. We have our own bed and everything.
Jace shakes his head. “You’ve been drinking, and you were upset about something that you won’t talk to me about. And we’re at a party. It’s not right.”
“Not right for whom?” I ask. This is the same conversation we had last night, but I need more of an explanation.
Jace’s face suddenly takes on a pained expression, and he steps back. “Wait. This would be your first time, right? You didn’t –” He stutters. “With –” He can’t finish. I’ve never seen him this shaken.
I shake my head quickly to put him out of his misery. “No.”
His expression immediately relaxes.
“But Jace, you’ve done it a lot. With a lot of different people. So if I’m ready, what’s the problem?”
Jace takes a bathrobe off of a hook and hands it to me. He walks into the bedroom and pulls on a pair of sweat pants. “Put that on.” He points to the robe in my hand and I let out an exaggerated sigh as I comply.
“It’s a big deal for me to sleep with you, Pep, even though I’ve slept with other people,” he says as he makes his way to the bed and lies down on his back. He pats the spot next to him and I curl up at his side. “There’s no rush. I’m so fucking happy to be with you. To be your boyfriend. Hell, of course I want you. But we should wait for a better time. When there’s nothing else between us.”
I sit up to look at him. “What’s between us?”
He clenches his jaw. My heart starts to race. The secret. “Nothing between us,” he forces out. “I just meant, we only let people know about us yesterday, my mom showed up this morning, and you’ve got something on your mind about running, or whatever it is you won’t talk about…”
I stare at him. So he isn’t going to tell me. Yet. I’ll wait until tomorrow. And if he doesn’t say anything, I’ll force it out of him.
***
I wake to a pillow being thrown in my face. “Huh?” I peek out from under the covers to see Wes standing over the bed wearing nothing but flannel pajama bottoms and a goofy grin.
“Rise and shine, sleepyheads!” he says with way too much enthusiasm.
I throw the pillow back at him, and he uses it to beat Jace over the head. A muffled growl is the only response.
“What time is it? And why aren’t you ever wearing a shirt?” I ask as I sit up and brush the hair out of my face.
“I could ask you the same,” Wes says with a smirk.
I glance down. A blanket covers the essentials, but I must have kicked off the bathrobe I’d fallen asleep in at some point during the night.
Jace leans up on an elbow and glares at Wes. “Get outta here, man,” he says grumpily.
“No way. The three of us are going out to breakfast. I’m too hung over to sleep. And I’m not fixing something to eat here. Everyone will want some.”
“How many people are still here?” I ask, pulling the bedcover up to cover my shoulders.
Wes shrugs. “Looks like everyone stayed. It’s still storming out there, too, so who knows when people will get outta here. Let’s go to Hal’s. I need something greasy.”
Hal’s Diner certainly knows how to do greasy.
“What? Are we taking a snowmobile?” I ask with a frown.
Wes laughs and Jace lets out some sort of grunt as he buries himself deeper into his pillow.
“There’s a Hummer in the garage. It’ll drive in anything.”
Wes lingers in the room and opens the shades to let in some light.
“Are you gonna get outta here so we can change or what?” I ask.
“You’ll just go back to sleep. I need to supervise and make sure you get up.”
“Jeez, you’re persistent.” If I hadn’t heard the conversation last night, I’d be pretty confused about Wes’s eagerness to get breakfast. Especially when I have no doubt there’s plenty of others he could recruit in our place to accompany him. “We’ll meet you downstairs in ten minutes.”
Wes eyes me skeptically but I stare him down with enough authority that he leaves our room a moment later.
There are two approaches I can take to waking Jace, who’s never been a morning person. Before he became my boyfriend, I’d shove him and annoy him into waking up. I’d get an awake Jace, but a grumpy one. However, now that I’m his girlfriend…
I snuggle up close to his warm body and start kissing his back, making my way up his shoulders and neck. I can feel his smile as my lips make their way to his mouth.
“Morning,” I whisper. My hands slide down his back and along the band of his boxer briefs. Jace pulls me to him and nestles his head in my neck.
His hands roam around the sheet I’m wrapped up in. “Are you naked underneath this?” he asks gruffly.
“Maybe,” I say with a smile.
In one quick movement, Jace flips from his stomach to his back, and rolls me on top of him.
He’s awake now, that’s for sure.
Jace brushes the hair out of my face before giving me a scorching kiss. But even as I feel him stir beneath me, he pulls away. I’m getting used to it.
“So I heard something about Hal’s?” he asks.
“We’re meeting Wes downstairs in five minutes.”
Jace sits up and I wrap my legs around his waist before he stands and walks us into the bathroom. The sheet is still around me as we brush our teeth, glancing at each other every few seconds with goofy grins. We haven’t woken up together like this before, and I’m not sure I’ll ever want to wake up alone again.
I feel amazing this morning, even having gone to bed upset. Maybe it’s because I know that I’ll find out whatever they’ve been keeping from me today. Or maybe it’s the blizzard outside. Snowy days always make me feel warm and cozy. But I’m pretty sure it’s simply that Jace is here, right next to me, and he’s mine.
His dark hair’s been styled in a faux hawk for so long now that it falls into a sexy mess without any effort on his part. Jace’s olive skin maintains a glow throughout the year, even when his summer tan has faded. I watch his back muscles flex as he reaches down to pick jeans up from the floor and pull them on.
He catches me watching and gives me one of his smiles that make me melt. Every. Time.
“Get your clothes on, Pep. I don’t want Wes barging in here and seeing you naked.”
Ten minutes later we drive down an empty main street. The piles of snow along the sidewalk indicate that the roads were plowed at some point that morning, but with the snow still falling, they remain slick.
A few folks sit at the counter when we enter Hal’s Diner, but the place isn’t packed like most mornings. We slide into a booth and the boys order coffee while I get an orange juice.
No one says anything as we sip our drinks. We all look out the window, watching the snow fall. If I didn’t know better, I might mistake it for a comfortable silence.
When the food arrives – we all ordered the $4.99 special of two eggs, bacon, toast, and a pancake – I catch Wes and
Jace in some sort of silent exchange. It’s what we used to order years ago when Jim would take the three of us here. I could never finish mine back then, and if I wasn’t so wound up with curiosity this morning, I’d probably scarf the whole thing down in minutes.
As I pour an excessive amount of syrup over the bacon and pancake, Wes clears his throat. “So, Pep. We wanted to –”
He’s cut off by Jace. “Wes. Shut up.” It’s a calm and controlled command, but I know that tone. He’s not to be messed with right now.
Jace turns to face me.
“There’s not an easy way to break this to you, Pep, so I’m just gonna say it.”
He pauses. I stare at him, waiting. Jace’s jaw clenches but he doesn’t break eye contact with me.
“Me and Wes. We’re brothers.”
Chapter 7
I put my fork down and clasp my hands in my lap. I have to look away.
My heart is beating so fast, I’m sure everyone can hear it.
“Have you always known?” I finally ask. My gaze focuses on the snowflakes sliding down the window.
Jace answers, “We found out the summer before we started high school.”
I whip my head around and look between them. “Why didn’t you tell me? The three of us… we were best friends. Why would you keep this from me?” I don’t hide the pain in my voice. This hurts. They are family? Real family. They both have a sibling – each other. And me? I have no siblings. No parents.
Jace nods at Wes, who shifts forward in his seat. “Jim told us. He’s our dad. He said he always wanted us to know, but my mom didn’t want that. My mom and dad – well, David, I guess – have never had a normal marriage. I think they’ve always slept with other people,” he says with a shrug. “But that’s just the way it’s been since I can remember.”
I nod slowly. There are so many questions, but I can tell Wes has been waiting a long time to let it all out, and I don’t want to interrupt.
“At first, I was so angry. And I took it out on Jace. You would think I’d be psyched to have a brother. But I blamed Jim and Jace, and my mom, for the way my dad – David – treated me. You know, he’s never around. He just wants me to be a kid with enough achievements that I’m not an embarrassment. Someone he can talk about when asked by his buddies. He’s never really cared about me.”
Wes’s face is full of emotion, and I’m shocked that he’s telling me all this. We only recently started hanging out again. And these are some deep feelings he’s revealing. With no restraint. I can’t help but feel closer to him. Like the four years without him in my life never happened.
He sighs and runs his hand through his hair. The same way Jace does when he’s thinking. How had I not recognized this before? I guess I had noticed similarities, but it never occurred to me it might be because they are related.
“Anyway, it’s hard to explain. But I was angry. I was only 14.”
“You were angry? That’s why no one told me?” My voice is soft, because I know this isn’t easy for Wes. But now I’m the one who’s angry. Although it’s directed mostly at Jace. He should have told me. He and I have stayed friends all these years, and he never said a thing.
My gaze turns to him and I can see the regret in his eyes.
“We should have told you, Pep. You’ve been our friend our whole lives.”
“I’m not going to forgive you so quickly. What’s your excuse?”
Jace looks down into his coffee mug. “I was angry too. It’s hard to explain why. I always wanted to blame someone for my mom leaving. It wasn’t Wes’s fault. Obviously. But he represented something, you know? All the shitty feelings I never knew I had from my mom leaving rose to the surface. Wes still had two parents, and that pissed me off. I didn’t want anything to do with Wes anymore.”
I study Jace’s expression. He’s being honest. More honest about his feelings on this than he’s ever been before. But there’s more to it. I can tell by the way his jaw twitches just a bit.
I go with my gut and decide now’s not the time to push it.
He clears his throat and continues, “Now I’ve realized that my dad’s affair probably didn’t have anything to do with my mom leaving.”
That gets my attention. And Wes’s too, judging by the way he stiffens across the table.
“My mom called me a few months ago. My dad never talked about it because I never asked, but I knew they had never been married. She was only 21 when I was born, and in college still. Even once my mom found out she was pregnant, I don’t think they talked about getting married. So, I had to admit to myself that the affair didn’t have anything to do with her leaving. I mean, she didn’t leave until a few years later, and she knew about Wes when he was born a couple months after me.”
I hear the pain in his voice for a second but he quickly masks it.
“She called to tell me she was going to be leaving rehab soon, and she wanted to meet me. Annie was an addict when she left, and has been on and off since.”
Wes and I wait for Jace to continue, but when he takes another sip of coffee and looks up, it’s clear he’s done. That’s all we’re going to get.
“And now she’s here. Isn’t it Annie you should be angry with?” I ask what seems to me to be the logical question.
Jace’s eyes narrow. “She wasn’t much older than us when she got pregnant with me, and she had a lot of her own problems. She wasn’t in the kind of shape she needed to be to be a mom.”
I gape at him, and I sense Wes shifting uncomfortably, probably trying to suppress his response. Jace is defending her. Protecting her. I shake my head. It makes no sense.
Jace bites into a piece of bacon and the conversation’s over.
My head spins as I pick at my eggs. My appetite has vanished, and I let the boys finish off my breakfast.
“Party’s still going on at my place. You guys coming?” Wes asks when we get back in the Hummer.
“Not me. I’m going for a run.”
Even though I wasn’t planning on running today, the urge to lace up and get outside is overwhelming.
“Seriously? In this weather?” Wes gives me a hard look in the rearview mirror.
I shrug.
When we pull up to my apartment, Jace says he’s going back to Wes’s and will get my sleepover bag that I left behind. He’s used to me running in all kinds of weather. “Call me after your run.”
I nod and wave goodbye.
Gran is chatting with her BFF Lulu in the living room when I get home. Hanson’s Christmas music plays quietly in the background.
“Tell us all about the sleepover party!” Gran exclaims.
“Did anything scandalous happen?” Lulu asks with a gleam in her eye.
Despite the turmoil ripping through my body, I smile. “Sorry ladies, no gossip for you,” I say with a shake of my finger. “I’m going for a run.”
Gran protests against me going out in the storm, but eventually gives up, insisting that I take my cell phone. “I guess it does have its uses,” she admits.
Before Dave and I head out, Gran inspects my clothing, making sure I’m wearing enough layers. I’m halfway down the stairwell when I pause and gasp. Dave perks his ears up and gives me a quizzical look.
I rush back up the stairs and open the door to our apartment.
“You knew, didn’t you?” I ask Gran. She’s in the kitchen, pouring coffee into a mug. Lulu can hear us from the living room, but I don’t care.
Gran turns to me. “Knew what?”
Of course, she wouldn’t know that I just found out. After all these years.
“Jace and Wes. They just told me.” The understanding in her eyes is immediate, and it answers my question even without the nod.
“Yes, I’ve known most of your life. But it’s never been for me to share.”
The pain I felt when they first told me slices through me again. They all knew. Except for me. I was left out.
“I’m going for a run,” I force out.
***
> The blizzard echoes the whirlwind of emotions swirling inside of me. Wind sends snow hurling at me in gusts, and I welcome the snowy terrain. I focus on keeping my footing and it provides the distraction I’m seeking. I don’t want to dissect the myriad of feelings coursing through me right now. They don’t make any sense and I don’t understand where they are coming from.
So what if Wes and Jace are brothers? Why does it matter that I’m only hearing about it now when even Gran has known all along?
Because they are your family. Your only family, an angry little voice in my head shouts.
My thoughts flash to a memory of a picture I drew in elementary school. We were told to draw a picture of our family, but I was the only one with just one person – Gran – and I didn’t like it. So I included Wes and Jace, and told the teacher they were my brothers. Obviously, I don’t think of Jace as my sibling anymore, but even at seven or eight years old I understood that those boys would be there for me like family.
Except I lost Wes because no one would tell me what was going on. Now he and Jace are family again. And me? What am I? Jace’s girlfriend. And what does Wes want?
I pick up my speed and Dave looks up at me, eager for the challenge. The blizzard isn’t enough of a distraction after all, and I seek out a burn in my legs and lungs to take away the ache in my chest.
Over an hour later, I’m thoroughly numb emotionally, and burning up from physical exertion. I’m also at a point along the bike path I don’t recognize. Even if I turn around now, it will be the longest run I’ve ever been on. And I must have left my phone on the kitchen counter because I’m only now realizing it’s not in my jacket pocket.
I pause for a moment on the path while Dave takes a sip of water from the creek. The snow is letting up, but the wind is getting stronger. I haven’t seen a single other person on the path yet, and as my body temperature starts to drop, I realize I may have overdone it.
The wind was howling on the way out, but apparently it was at my back most of the time. As I head in the opposite direction, I’m nearly knocked over with the strength of it directly hitting my chest. I ran hard on the way out, and I can’t maintain that effort the rest of the way. It’s going to take me a while to get back, and I hope Gran doesn’t freak out.